You are here

Stepdaughter Struggles

Rgresh23's picture

Have two stepkids 11 and 13.  13 yr old is a daughter.  She has always been difficult since me and DH have been together.  As she enters her teenage years it's gotten harder.  She has stopped wanting to come to our home for once monthly visitation (we live 4 hours away) 11 year old so enjoys coming.  She does not want to be around me or my kids anymore (me and dh have been together 5 years) and only will agree to having relationship with husband that excludes me.  I feel jealous and excluded.  When my husband talks to her on the phone it's like we dont exist and he never talks to her about his life here it's as if he enters another realm that I'm not a part of....the rational part of me knows I married someone with kids and they deserve to have a one on one relationship with them...I'm ok with it with my stepson....but with my stepdaughter it feels horrible because she so openly rejects me and my kids.  Does anyone have any advice? Please help!!!  I've tried reaching out to her and I never get a response.

 

The bio mom is a very difficult person and has not made this easier.  Blames me for everything.

Comments

Disneyfan's picture

"She has another family and obviously she doesn’t think of your family as hers. Let her go."

There's no way the girl doesn't think of her father as part of her family.  She may not view the OP and her children as family, but that doesn't extend to dad and her brother.

 

OP, the kids doesn't want to have a relationship with you and your children.  She should be required to be respectful when she's in your home.  Other than that, let her be. 

Stop reaching out to her.  She may take it as a sign that her behavior is getting to you.

 

 

CLove's picture

I know its probably more peaceful that she doesnt visit, but if there is a custody order in place, it should be followed.

However, Teen years being what they are, if she is openly rejecting you now, it will not get better. If the BM has been alienating her from YOU and YOURS, there is basically no way to fight that. You say that your DH acts like you dont exist when he is on the phone with her - thats good, because she doesnt GET to have information about you. She has rejected you, and she doesnt recieve any benefits. My Toxic Feral Eldest SD ghosted us, then lashed out at her father. Said that he was a horrible father, drove her away, and chose me instead of her. Said her mother, Toxic Troll has always been there for her (Toxic Troll beat her up 1.5 years ago, right after she turned 18, had missed 2 birthdays to pursue her men, and yet, she is always there for her. Too funny)

So, you are not alone in feeling bad from this rejection. DH and myself both have removed ourselves from Toxic Feral's life completely. I had done her taxes last year, got her a large refund, and yet, I am a horrible person. So, you cannot fight this, you must let her go, but know that you arent alone in this, it happens a lot in Step families. More than people want to talk about. 

Consider that the BM must be pretty bad if the marriage containing 2 children broke apart. 

What exactly does this BM blame you for? Were you an affair partner that he left her for?

STaround's picture

Long distance is tough as kids get older.  They dont get to see their friends, sports become difficult, etc. Sorry about this.  

Want2's picture

I think you need to do some serious thinking about why you are so triggered by this rejection. If you are secure in your own self image it wouldn’t get to you like this. You’re much too reliant on her opinion of you but honestly it shouldn’t be that way. People say let it go and you know you should but you can’t and that’s what you need to figure out. Why can’t you let it go?

Disillusioned's picture

I'm wondering why your husband can't tell her that at 13, she doesn't get to decide that.

She doesn't have to love you or even like you, but you are his wife and a part of the family and she will have to tolerate you and your kids and be respectful, as much as you and your kids have to tolerate and respect her

Sounds like she has way too much power

And don't be upset about her rejecting you and your kids, my experience with a teenage SD who openly rejected me was based on her extreme jealousy of me/my relationship with her father

She's now in her 30's and nothing much has changed as far as her liking or accepting me. With that said, she does 'try' to be cordial and I make sure to be the same and then some, so I guess while it may get better with time, you must face the fact that your SD may never accept you and that's okay

But she doesn't get to exclude you, be disrespectful of you, or make demands on your DH that are unreasonable where you're concerned

And if that's what's happening, your SD isn't the problem, your DH is 

Evil3's picture

My SD pulled this stunt when she was younger and got away with it for many years until I lost my shit on DH for allowing it and not standing up for me. I told DH that his allowing anyone to exclude me was a deal breaker. He has worked very hard to make sure I'm always included and these days, SD is very careful about what she says and does regarding me, because she is well aware that the tables have turned. She is the one who will find herself on the outside looking if if she ever pulls any of that crap again. Your DH should by laying down the law to your SD and telling her that you must be respected and you are a package deal. Your DH is giving his brat way too much power. As such, your SD has succeeded in getting your DH to pick you up and place you over there. That is why you feel like crap.