Freinds without stepchildren try to throw guilt trip!
Background -
From my previous blogs you will seee that my husband's adult chidren (SS 35 and SD 33) have not spoken to their father for quite some time because basically they do not value him as a father because he does not have a vast amount of money to give them as a future inheritance! Since they have refused to talk to him they have been contacting anyone that has ties to their father behind his back - this includes family and friends. SS 35 even went so far as to mend fences with H's brother who SS 35 had been estranged from for years. The story was that SS 35 was now on medication and was now a nicer better person! This nicer better person has however, never called his own father to apologize! Of course this nicer better person still cashs those birthday checks with no acknowledgement to H!
Issue -
Some friends that we have known for some time have made comments suggesting that they fail to understand why these skids and their father are still not talking because they know that these skids are talking to other family members of H. When I initially explained what had happened between the skids and us they seemed horrified at Skids behavior. These friends are very family oriented and I know do not understand anyone acting as these adult skids are now acting.
Without going into a lot of personal detail I find it hard to explain how manipulative and conniving these adult skids are to outsiders. Trying to explain behavior that is not normal to someone that has never been exposed to it firsthand and has no level of understanding is difficult at best! I am afraid that going into the level of detail that you would need to fully comprehend these adult skids manipulative actions would tend to make me look both paranoid and as "out there" as they are.
However, this does not help me deal with others not in this situation because these friends seem to act as though we should somehow be able to magically make the situation better! It does not seem to register with these well intentioned friends that it is not my H or myself that initiated any of this discord and we have no control over any of it or it's outcome!
How do you politely let someone you like know that you will not be made to feel guilty because you are involved in a skid drama that you have no control over and that skid's involvement with other family members does not mean that they have buried any hatchets just that they are now working another angle for some new ulterior motive without looking as though you are acting as whacked out as they are!
Thank goodness for a forum where we can express our thoughts to others having similar situations!
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Comments
Feeling shortchanged is - I
Feeling shortchanged is - I think - a primary emotion for both my H's SS 35 and SD 33. While I can cetainly idnetify with this feeling on their and other stepchildren's behalf - that is not all that I feel or have opbserved that is going on with my two adult stepchildren.
While this may be behind the primary emotions - these adult children also display traits that I do not feel are typical of most young adults - step or otherwise. Actually they both act as though they have narcistic traits just like their BM did for years! It was extremely difficult/draining dealing with her for years and the thought of having to repeat it for future years with these two stepkids is just too emotionally draining for me to even comprehend!
Trying to reason with someone during a disagreement is difficult enough but trying to do this with someone that is not playing with a full deck/irrational is almost impossible. Explaining this fact to friends is also difficult because they have never seen this side of these people and it is almost incomprehensible to most people that anyone could act in this manner or do or say the things that they ( in this case my skids) say! While I do not want to sully anyone's reputation to our friends when asked about our situation - with the unpleasant facts, I refuse to accept responsibility or be made to feel guilty for a grown adult's ( step or otherwise) irrational vindictive and manipulative actions over which I have no control!
I mean how do I explain to people what I feel that these skids might be capable of! I am afraid to express on this public forum the details but an incident occurred whereby my minor BDs were loaned a offroad vehicle from SD about the time that H was to get his inheritance that ended up catching on fire with BDs on it! Before H was loaned the vehicle he was asked for the first and only time to sign a hold harmless agreement! This was unusual and suspicous in itself! When SD found out about this did she express concern for BDs? NO. Did adult SD ask if minor half sisters were even okay? NO! She, with a gleem in her eye, wanted to know all of the gory details about what exactly happened! The look on her face when she asked this told me volumes! If evil can be dispalyed in facial expressions, then I saw it first hand! Because of this, BDs will never again be allowed to be around adult SD without me present!
Another suspiciuos incident ocurred that involved SS 35 but I can not offer further details here.
To repeat such things makes me feel almost as looney as they are but they did happen so I have no idea what they are capable of next.
I've given up on trying to
I've given up on trying to explain to "non-step" people what its like to deal with manipulative, resentful adult skids. They just don't get it and I don't want to waste my time going into gory detail.
Unfortunately I am in a situation where all 5 adult stepbrats routinely spread lies and gossip about DH and me to a rather large extended family. When asked about the stepbrats or something they said, I never address anything head on. Instead, I talk about "how important it is to spend time with people who truly love you instead of those who try to bring you down." This rather vague comment usually shuts up the other person. I really enjoy the look on their face as they connect the dots.
I never, ever speak directly to anything an adult stepbrat says about me. That would be validating them and their vile gossip. I just try my level best to orbit the family hairball instead of getting caught up in it.