Need advice from experienced step parent.
I’m very new to being a step parent, me and my girlfriend have been together for 10months, SS is nearly 4, we have just recently moved in together. My girlfriend is very supportive and gives great advice and is always very understanding and we always talk about my involvement with SS. I have a great relationship with SS, I spend time with him, we have fun, I mess about and play with him However I’m finding it hard to discipline him when he is misbehaving. My girlfriend tells me when I’m alone with SS that I should discipline him so that he knows when he is doing wrong. I just struggle which sounds silly I just have all these thoughts like “what if he hates me” “what if he twists my words and makes me sound unreasonable” or that all other members of the family might have an opinion that I shouldn’t tell him what he can/can’t do.
SS is usually really good and having to discipline him isn’t often. I struggled the other day because he was acting spoilt and wanted me to buy him extra stuff in a store then stormed off when I wouldn’t and he just ignored me and was so ignorant. I disciplined him and he wasn’t allowed toys in bath or a bed time story but all night and for days after I just couldn’t think about it and kept thinking I did it all wrong and maybe I could have handled it better or maybe I was too harsh. It doesn’t matter how supportive my girlfriend is and tells me everything I did was right and it’s still hard. Are my thoughts normal as a step parent? Does it get easier or just become more normal and get used to knowing what to say and how to deal with it?
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I think it starts awkward for
I think it starts awkward for all of us!!! I'm a HIGHLY involved stepparent. (though backing off some for personal reasons and sanity). At first I felt like I couldn't discipline. DH insited I could. But it felt weird. It wore off. It gets easier with both time and experience.
Thank you! :)
Thank you! :)
I think of my relationship
I think of my relationship with my skid's like a teacher student relationship. Kid's need structure and boundaries in order to become normal people in society. OP Don't feel bad because you are being an adult and reprimanding him. You are doing the kid and your GF a favor by making sure the kid knows right from wrong.
Thank you sometimes you just
Thank you
sometimes you just need to hear it, first time parenting and being a step parent. Very tricky!
Why are you spending a lot of time with the kid?
You have only been together 10 months. The kid's bioparents should be primary. You should not let yourself be trapped into being a babysitter, imho. This is where many problems start. This is not your kid.
I have known my GF since she
I have known my GF since she was pregnant with SS so we are on a level eventhough it’s only been 10months that we have been in a relationship, she trusts me. We are the same page and I am aware that the bio parents have the overall responsibility to discipline because SS is there kid and I think that is sometimes why I struggle cause I agree! I think it’s there responsibility to discipline but I also can’t stand back and watch SS be rude and ignorant towards me cause that could become a real problem in the future. I really appreciate the feedback but I don’t feel like a babysitter. My GF works full time, SS sees his Bio dad one night a week and when my GF is struggling for childcare this is when I will step forward and look after SS. It’s sometimes only to pick him up from nursery. I like doing these things, I enjoy spending time with him, he’s like my best mate. It’s putting that to a side once in a while and I find hard with and telling him he can’t have 3 chocolate eggs before bedtime haha
I get it. It is hard to
I get it. It is hard to discipline a kid you are trying to have a relationship with and not want them to hate you. If they hate you then your girlfriend might start not liking you too. We all have that feeling in the beginning. If she is supporting you and baking you up you should not worry so much about what you are doing.
My SS is 10 and was raised by his g-parents, aunt and my DH for the first 7 years and was spoiled rotten and now I have the after math of all that. I got called mean last night because I really laid into my SS10 because he did something he knew he was not suppose to for the third time. First two times I was nice and third time I raised my voice and he was punished. He was upset with me and it is a crap feeling but it had to be done.
Do not worry about being the bad guy this kid also needs to respect you and that will not happen if you are just always the good guy and let him get what he wants.
Thank you that was all
Thank you
that was all really helpful !
Has Mom told you how she
Has Mom told you how she would like her son disciplined?
You aren't the parent, which means that if you are going to act in a parental capacity that you do it in such a way that is an extension of the actual parent. What behaviors does Mom consider punishable? What punishment would she give for those behaviors? Mimic Mom.
This is where SPs get into trouble. They find behaviors in their SKs unreasonable that parents find perfectly acceptable. So, the SP tries to discipline that poor behavior and the SK (and many times the parent) responds poorly. That is where resentment builds - not in discipling a SK, but in discipling a SK for a behavior that their parent has allowed.
So, if I were you, I'd talk to my GF and figure out what the rules are for public and home, what the consequences are, and explain those to SS. If I were to disagree with the rules and consequences, and the rules don't directly affect my being, then my choice would be to not be put in a position where I am solely responsible for the care and discipline of the kid. I'm not the parent, so I don't get to make the rules. I do, however, have the choice to not play the game if I don't like the rules because I'm not the parent.
I think it is maybe a little
I think it is maybe a little easier to deal with this if you don't use the word discipline.. which may conjur up the idea that you are "punishing" him. To be honest, I don't think that step-parents/(or gf/bf steps) should be actually disciplining or punishing the kids in the traditional sense of handing out groundings and taking things away. The Bio parents should be around and a present enough parent to deal with those weightier parenting responsiblities.
As a step parent, you should think of it as redirecting or correcting behaviors and actions.
So kid is demanding a present in the store and you are the only one with him. You tell him "No, we are only here to buy dog food" He whines or presses further. You tell him that "good boys don't whine and if you continue to act this way, we are going directly home. Mommy will be upset to here that you acted badly when you were with me".
Kid goes to climb up the shelves of the candy aisle (as I saw this weekend in a rest stop".. you calmly go over and say.. "we don't climb on things " and you help him down safely.
You basically are tasked with keeping the kid "safe". Meltdowns get dealt with by removal from the situation.. and that may mean that some trip goals are aborted.. but he learns that you will be consistent with "no" meaning NO.
It actually isn't really all that effective to take away his bath toys hours later because he is no longer "in that moment". A more immediate consequence like leaving the store and a stern tone when you explain that's not how good boys behave.. is more effective.imho.
If you are at home and he acts up.. a brief timeout in his room in bed with no toys etc.. to take a "nap" and snap out of his bad streak is usually effective. A lot of kid's issues can come from them being tired anyway.
May I just suggest any other
May I just suggest any other punishment than no bedtime story? Reading is so important! Maybe 15 minutes earlier for bedtime instead.
A lot of problems can be
A lot of problems can be avoided by "setting the bar". Before you go anywhere, you explain to him how you want him to behave and what the consequences will be if he doesn't (going home immediately, for instance). I used to do this before leaving the house and then again in the carpark before going into the shop. Make sure to tell him how pleased you were with him when he complies (but do it AFTER you leave the shop).
This is the number one thing
This is the number one thing that I think people forget when correcting children. You can't expect good behaviours if you don't communicate your expectations. Our days always go so much better when I start off with
BS - you need to do this, SS1 this and SS2 that - and these are behaviours I don't want to see. This is what will happen when I do. It seems silly because they SHOULD know, but often they don't.
I used to do a lot of work around performance management and even in workplaces it's astonishing how many times managers don't set performance expectations - no one is a mind reader.
I also found that explaining
I also found that explaining what I want, checking they understood and then saying "fine, then we agree on that, right?" and waiting for the "yes" worked wonders. It made them feel as if behaving well was their decision (which it was) and not mine. It might also have to do with keeping their "word" :)