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Castration by Divorce

Living the dream's picture

Why do most (not all, but most) men lose their balls in their divorces? Why do they almost always let their ex-wives and kids shit on them forevermore? Even after they create a new family with someone else, these people are usually still shitting on them.

My own DH is highly educated, intelligent and accomplished professionally. He would never take bullshit from a colleague, and he doesn’t take shit from the teenagers in his class, either (he teaches high school).

Yet, when his BM pounds on our door, or one of their kids calls with some demand or other, he becomes a cowering, pitiful spectacle of a man. I love this man, but it’s terribly hard to respect him in these situations. Why do you think he feels he must debase himself like this? (He is not the one who wanted the divorce, btw). Why do so many of the men discussed on this board debase themselves like this?

This doesn’t seem to happen with the mothers, does it? A woman seems to better retain her ability to parent and to set healthy boundaries with her now-ex.

Why is that so hard for men? Why do they lose their self-respect when they divorce?


Pilgrim Soul's picture

The pattern that we see on here again and again is a codependent, emotionally abused man trying to extricate himself with the second wife's help from a longstanding dysfunctional relationship with a high conflict, personality disordered woman. Those NPD/BPD bitches are like heat seeking missiles when they are young. They home in on weak guys who they will humiliate into submission and happily abuse for years to come. The abuse takes many forms: psychological, emotional, financial. The message, you are a bad husband and father, is drilled into them and due to their own insecurities they believe it.

Just like your DH mine never wanted to leave after 20 years of that treatment. BM really hated his guts as he refused to walk out on her. So she had to initiate the divorce- and immediately come out as gay as soon as she had kicked him out of the house. But even when he had the physical distance between them he was still lost in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - see It is very hard to respect a man who is unable to demand respect from others. My husband is a real mensch, smart as a whip, competent in so many areas, talented and hard working. But he was never able to make sure his three grown children saw him for what he is. Their treatment of him is indefensible and instigated by BM; they go along with every vicious thing she puts forward. He must believe that he does not deserve anything better.

Being educated, hardworking and honest is no match for being a lying and manipulating bitch whose BPD abandonment issues are triggered when he remarries. He is afraid that she will alienate his kids completely so being used and abused, which is so familiar, is better that losing those monsters. We lost them - and the sky did not fall. I am trying to help my husband work on his self esteem. but he did not lose it in the divorce- it happened much earlier. That entire marriage was a disaster that now gives him PTSD.

Living the dream's picture

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I am really thinking about what you wrote. I do see a lot of evidence that BM is probably a borderline. I never thought about it in this way. Thanks again for the insight.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

You are very welcome, LtD. For your sake I hope she is not. But if she is you are better off knowing it and having a plan of action. Think boundaries. You cannot save her kids from their mother. Save your sanity.

Living the dream's picture

"So in the end, these men will lose their kids anyway..."

You know, I've always thought that will ultimately happen to my DH too. I think his kids will eventually discard him as a weak, foolish person who is not worthy of their respect. All because he has never demanded any respect.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Your poor BM, tog - how could she have miscalculated so badly? Didn't your husband know that it was his job to take it and keep quiet, as any nice guy would? Love how surprised those monsters are when their usual crap stops getting them the results they expect.

You can't win when the deck is stacked, that's for sure.

Indigo's picture

I want to read your book!

I really liked your "take" on men who loose their power in relationships. (Don't have a better name for it.) It's so easy to focus on the flaming psycho ex-partners, BM's and over-the-top adult/teen SKIDs. It's more difficult to take a closer look at the men in our lives.

On this board, I have noticed that when the MEN stepped up with parenting, establishing solid boundaries and expecting respect for their new relationships, the drama decreased. Evil exists, psychosis flourishes, but the men are the key to a better outcome.

Like OP, I have struggled with SO and the entire "where's your backbone? why do you let these women abuse you?" thing.

Do you have more reading suggestions?