Thanks Rumple, that is super validating. My husband is also appauled and he still has to be his Dad, it is his worst nightmare. He has made some big mistakes and I considered divorce many times over the first several months, even again yesterday when he messed up. But the reason I tolerated such crap for 11 years from the older son was because of my soul mate connection with my husband. I think our marriage is going to survive this. Step parenting sucked, but it is over for me, and I think my husband and I can recover. 

The fact that everyone is using the names we are called is cracking me up! So validating! Yes I have had good friend support, and therapist. My huband really f@%$#  up in the beginning when he was in shock, and I was ready to end it (repeatedly). But I think what we have together is bigger that what his son can dish out. Ironically, I think his son came in this lifetime to learn about self forgivenss, because he is one of the most self critical and self punishing people I know. Not sure how accusing me of his mental delusions is on his soul's journey. But I found out I could survive being accused of things I never imagined and still keep breathing, and getting up in the morning. 

This is the best conversations! Yes I boxed their shit up, sent it out the door, and saged the room several times. We even changed the gate code, and I bought pepper spray and slept with it by my bed since his son was in a psychotic paranoia. It was awful, and I am drained. My husband rents a little tiny place to see the younger son, the older one who made the accusations is not seeing him much anymore. 

Yes, all of that is clear, plus it frees me up to spend holidays with people I acutally like and enjoy rather than smiling and pretending to be part of something with ExW just so the kids had a cohesive sense of a family unit. We used to to Christmas and Thanksgiving, and birthdays all together. NO MORE thank god. 

It is interesting what I learned that you can't help people who don't want to be helped. Daniel Siegal writes in Mindsight, that when it comes to Austism and similiar neurological problems that even with a good safe upbringing, they never develop the ability for introspection or not believing all of their own thoughts and stories they make up in their own head. I still had no idea this kid would be descructive at this level. It is the tragedy of a fragile brain on drugs. The part that still pisses me off is that at the time of the crisis, I wanted the son to have to do a drug test, in case I needed more protection to show his mindstate, Neither his dad or mom wanted to even ask him to do a drug test because it might harm his trust of them. They said it was his choice and they could not force him. I still feel betrayed by that, what about my rights to have more evidence if needed. That is the kind of crap that makes it harder for me to fully recover my trust of my husband. It is over but that part still makes no sense to me. 

My husband has said at time his best move in the big picture is to wash his hands of it with the son that made tha accusations, but then he has a strong "Dad" instict to care. I would not call his son and adult, honestly the day he made the accusations, was the day it was time to go out and really get his first job. Much easeir to have an excuse as to why he did not have to graduate into taking responsiblity for himself. With his mind that is not strong, and so much failure when he cannot find his own motivation to launch, I am not sure what his future looks like, and alas it is not my problem to worry about. His mom protects him from true facts, part of the problem. She may not even tell him that the prosecuter dismissed his accusation because he is so fragile of mind. Honestly, I think it would be good to tell him. He seems to be out of the paranoid influence of the High THC Pot, and started to reallize his accusations were based on his own drug brain, but he does not have the courage to right his wrong. Sadly some young people don't make from teens to adulthood, he may not. It is up to him. I am just so glad to be done and move on.