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Where do I even begin?

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Fri, 09/30/2016 - 3:12pm

I don't even know where to begin there has been so much change and drama going on.

I guess first thing is first, a few days after DD-2months was born, we found out BM is pregnant and baby daddy as a literal handful of children already - age spread from elementary school to high school.

SS15 is going from an only child in her house, to SEVEN if they move in together.

So there we have it. I am freaking making myself SICK that SS15 will want to move in with us.

DH's schedule is changing and he will be working weekend nights and having SS during the school week ---not sure how that is all going to work out with trying to sleep and SS having a social life and sports at BM neighborhood/school district (~35min away), but who knows if BM is finding a place with baby daddy so we have no clue what is going on. It's possible SS15 might have to switch schools and then who knows how far he will be from DH. We do know that baby daddys other kids are in a different school district than SS15.

So....I told DH I did not move into this house to live with SS15. I can't stand the kid for more than 3 days when we have him on the weekends.

DH and I had a discussion and he said the only way he would entertain that idea is that if BM moves in with baby daddy, and if baby daddy was "mistreating my son and I hope you would understand that..."

Well what does that even mean - that's a very vague statement, it's not like he's gonna bend him over his knee and spank him, even though he probably should! BM wouldn't stand for her precious snowflake to be mistreated anyways.

I guess I am just really sad knowing that I just had a baby and then I could be walking out of my marriage if shit hits the fan. My family is backing me, but they do not think BM would ever let SS15 move in with DH because it would be admitting she is a failure and she couldn't be a martyr anymore. I hope to god my family is right.

MIL has been a royal PAIN. She's ramped up her crazy big time to make sure SS15 is included in everything and every conversation and how sorry she feels for him. ...she's even got great grandmother included on the "I feel so sorry for SS15" crazy train. So not only is he getting an extra pitty party for being a COD, now they are scared that he's going to be suicidal because he just keeps everything inside himself and doesn't talk.

I just cant even...

Don't get me wrong, I am not totally heartless, this is a lot of change for the kid but his parents had him in their 20's ...this stuff happens.

I'm just ready for the "games" to begin and I am ready to say NO!!!. Well, I already did say NO but I don't think DH totally believes me.

MIL has just been beating around the bush for the past two months about the "amazing" possibility that SS could move in with us. She keeps saying how great everything is that we are closer now and how concerned she is with BM and who knows what BM is going to do and what if BM moves????!! OMG MIL was in a sheer panic when she was thinking that BM could actually move away! Well that bish (MIL) has another thing coming and the moment she actually suggests those words, I will tell her that he can move in with HER and that I am not raising a teenager that is not mine when DH works the hours and days that he works. NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am just going to keep repeating to myself that there is NO WAY BM would pawn him off on DH. Nope nope nope nope, she would never do it.

I've got so many MIL stories right now and I am totally overwhelmed.

Last weekend DH didn't get up to the house until Sunday because we went to a wedding Saturday, and SS stayed with my inlaws Saturday, and I saw on the alarm system log that they let themselves in our house. WTF. So I asked DH what the hell was going on. So yea....apparently they just help themselves into our house. I guess FIL fixed up DH's old bike for SS to have and brought it back to our house??? WHY was that okay to do when we weren't there?? I do not know if DH "okayed it" though but I wasn't thrilled with the idea that they just came over with SS because I do not trust him alone in our home. Remember, this is the kid who stole 6k $$$ from his mother on Xbox live games/movies/porn, who the hell knows.

FREAKING BOUNDARIES ARE NON EXISTENT!! They took care of our house for us when I was on bedrest for almost 3 month and now apparently they still think it's their freaking house to come and go when they please.

I'm doomed. I am freaking doomed.

Comments

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Fri, 09/30/2016 - 3:46pm

Yeah my mom tells me the same thing!

I can only imagine the grocery bill now going from a household of 2 ...to 9 ....

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Fri, 09/30/2016 - 5:22pm

So she might not be moving in with him and his brood. Or he might only have his brood on weekends and then not all of them?

The thing is, like everyone has said, you really don't know what's going on or what's going to happen.

No use making yourself crazy over what Might happen.
DH knows you can't live with SS full time. Take a few deep breaths, clear your head and just enjoy your baby.

If and when the topic of SS moving in comes up, deal with it then.

ksmom14's picture

Submitted by ksmom14 on Fri, 09/30/2016 - 3:37pm

That's a lot going on!

I know this is hard, but try not to freak about all the what ifs! Just having a baby yourself I'm sure you're in survival mode just trying to deal with whacked out hormones and lack of sleep, don't let this add to it. Don't worry about an issue until it is an actual issue! You'll make yourself sick! Tell DH that he is under no circumstance to agree to anything that directly effects your life without talking to you first (i.e. SS moving in!).

Things could change the next minute, next hour, day, week. Maybe BM doesn't stay with baby daddy so she doesn't move in with him! See you'd be stressing over nothing.

Take a deep breath, one step at a time!

Congrats on the babe Smile

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Fri, 09/30/2016 - 3:56pm

Yup, you are right. DH wouldn't do anything without discussing it with me but there is nothing to discuss since I already told him no and I am lining up my ducks.

The great unknown is so stressful. I guess I need to relax but it's really difficult.

Thank you - it's pretty great being a mom and not just a ghost in the house to a stepkid

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Fri, 09/30/2016 - 3:57pm

UGh, I know.

I told DH no to getting the key code door lock, especially with MIL/FIL going in and out with SS with them ...I bet SS already knows their alarm code password. He's super sneaky.

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Fri, 09/30/2016 - 3:53pm

I agree, but BM keeling over is a lot different from her having a baby with a man with a lot of kids --which makes her precious snowflake SS15 upset and may not want to live with her anymore because he will not have his own bedroom and have to share a bathroom, etc etc etc...all the fun stuff of having to live with more people than just your mom, and on top of the fact that mom is having a baby.

Before any of this happened, MIL had offered to take SS to school for DH. (This is part of how she's been beating around the bush about SS moving in with us because we are in a good school district) But realistically she couldn't even commit to that because her and FIL are always traveling.

DH does not make plans until the last minute and he is a huge procrastinator.

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Fri, 09/30/2016 - 4:01pm

You have no idea the crap she has pulled. She is constantly stirring the pot and making everything worse. She is 99.9% of the problem!! I would be sitting here all day writing about all the BS she has pulled and all the pot stirring she has done with SS15. It's freaking out of control.

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Fri, 09/30/2016 - 5:03pm

I guess I should have clairified that. DH paid 100% for daycare for 13 years, pays for all sports and equipment, school clothes, camps, school trips, dances, other extra curriculars, etc... The last biggest thing was $6k for braces that he just paid off. He pays, it's just not through the court.

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Sat, 10/01/2016 - 11:43am

Thanks for the tips, I had no idea you could look that stuff up. I do not know his last name, I saw his photos on facebook like two years ago but I don't remember his last name and I don't know if BM shut down her facebook. I could ask SS what it is but if he didn't even know they were seeing each other I don't think he is any help at this point, which is why we just don't know anything. And we don't want to be asking him a ton of questions, because he might go tell BM that we are grilling him for info. It was awkward enough asking if the baby is a boy or a girl.

So far DH said he witnessed first hand from one of his best friends - he had a teenage daughter that was playing games and bouncing back and forth between mom and dad. DH said nope....and he said SS15 needs to learn to be uncomfortable if that's the case (he means like having to share a room or bathroom and not be so spoiled) So there is actually hope....but I don't trust him 100%.

I was curious to try that tea, so far so good with milk but with this stress who knows...I have been stock piling milk for when I go back to orchestra after Xmas Smile

thank you!

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Sat, 10/01/2016 - 8:30am

I wouldn't worry about BM if I were you. If she seems like the possessive type when it comes to the skid then I don't think she will let him go even with a household full. That being said, I doubt this guy has custody of all of his kids part or full time and even if does see them Every-Other-Weekend on the same weekend, I don't see their relationship lasting long. I am going to assume he has more than one baby-momma because of the amount of kids he has so that means having a baby isn't going to keep him tied to her. If, and it is a big 'if," your SS does have to deal with these new siblings, it will be temporary and your DH shouldn't run out within the first year to change anything. Point out to your DH, how long BM's typical relationships lasts and how things can change back as quickly as they started. If your BM is anything like the one I have to deal with, Bm will go to court and say she is single (right before they purposely got pregnant) just to try to keep SS. Go on as nothing will change as some kids adjust well to no longer being the only child, but prepare your household financially and with as much information for court just in case.

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Sat, 10/01/2016 - 11:47am

We think he has them every other weekend, which is why she will not switch weekends with us ever - so that their childless weekends line up together. Of course that wasn't the reason she told us. Like we really care....I mean that makes perfect sense to me!

I hope you are right and I think you are probably right.

DH isn't in any position to take on SS15 full time...unless my meddling mother inlaw steps in.

Thank you

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 10/03/2016 - 2:54am

Lin - get your self a quiet spot and start formulating your action plan.

This is something you will have to take up with DH and soon.

1. The alarm code will be changed and no one but you or DH will have it, you will not tolerate people in your house if you are not there, if he hands the code out he must live with the consequences

2. SS will not be moving in with you and DH, if BM does not want him then he can move in with in-laws, SS living permanently with you and DH was never on the cards, if it was you never would've married DH nor have your own bio with him.

3. Dh will set his mother straights, he's an adult and she will no longer have the power to dictate what you and DH should do and not, if MIL starts talking about your life and what you should do, feel free to tell her MIL you have no say in this marriage and the way we live our life.

Ignore all the other parties in your marriage and make sure it's only you and DH and get him to understand this. DH must decide quickly if he's married to you or to his SS and parents. From there you can decide the rest of your life

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 10/03/2016 - 5:50am

If you get married knowing your spouse is only NCP and there's no talks of even being CP.....
and suddenly your partner feels like he needs to take the kid, due to pressure from outside people like in-laws..
or simply the kid not liking a new boyfriend the game should not change...

The only time we have to accept the change is when the kid is being abused, but that needs to be proofed and the abusers should be prosecuted....

That's one of the reasons I never married SO, cause he had full custody since the divorce but Aergia choose to live with BM... and that's why it's so easy for BM to kick her out time after time...

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Mon, 10/03/2016 - 6:25am

I think the only person the game shouldn't change for is the SP. The SP is always free to walk away from the marriage/relationship if he/she can't deal with having a spouse that is a CP.

Becoming the CP should never be off the table for the bio parent.(Unless he or she is unfit)