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Just More of the Same...

lily11's picture

After all that, it just turns out that the same patterns of behavior keep repeating themselves.

Long story short, CPS closed ss15's case. They ended up saying that they can't verify neglect or abuse. The attorneys say that because ss15 is 15 and doesn't want to live with us, it would be next to impossible for DH to get him. DH was heartbroken at the outcome over all this because he was so excited at the prospect at having his son live with us. It's a sad situation.

We live in another state, DH is in the military and we won't be returning to where ss15 lives for a few more years.

ss15 seems to be doing better with his grandparents. There is definitely a more stable environment. But he won't talk with DH very much now. This is a repeating pattern: He and his mother have a crisis, ss15 turns to DH for support and then afterwards shuts DH out for weeks, months. It takes a long time for DH to get that communication back and re-establish that bond, only for the whole cycle to repeat itself.

Now I am wondering about this: DH sends child support to BM, a sizeable amount, which she lives on completely by herself. I guess there is nothing we can do about it but it just doesn't seem right. ss15 is not benefitting in any way from the child support DH sends. She lives in her own house, paid for by ss15's grandparents, and she uses her child support to pay her bills. ss15's grandparents are basically supporting ss15 at his point. DH cannot afford to send more money than he already sends in child support and it will only go to BM anyway.

Is there anything we can do about this legally? Probably not. How do you find peace with a situation like this? It's hard to watch. I hate to see DH come out on the losing end, time after time. DH is a great father, pays his child support to BM faithfully and calls ss15 regularly, even though most of the time he is ignored or treated rudely. BM gets to keep 100% of the child support and her parents are raising his son.


lily11's picture

Yes, if DH tries to do anything legally BM will quickly yank him back to her home and once again ss14 will shut down and stop speaking to DH. The grandparents will do absolutely everything, including things like clean her house, and make sure she keeps her act together long enough for any court proceedings. They will also pay for her attorney. I think she thrives in that kind of environment based on what I've seen from her over the years.

Right now DH is happier that ss14 is with his grandparents instead of with bipolar BM. It's certainly a much better choice. But it seems ridiculous for DH to pay child support to a woman living on her own and using it as her sole source of income. Her son doesn't benefit at all from the child support. And it just doesn't seem right when there is a perfectly capable and willing parent wanting to raise his son but between BM and ss14's grandparents, they will ensure it's never an option.

This has been going on for about 2-3 months now, ss14 living with his grandparents. ss14 and BM cannot get along for more than 1-2 days without her doing ridiculous things like throwing ss14 out of the house, calling the police and calling DH at all hours of the night to yell and scream that she doesn't want ss14 anymore. As soon as DH says he wants ss14, she abruptly stops all contact and so does ss14. This cycle just repeats itself over and over. DH doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to say to him about it. The whole situation is just crazy.

lily11's picture

I'm spending way too much time being involved with this drama. ss14 and BM are DH's problem. I've allowed this drama, this toxic behavior, into my life. DH has dragged his whole dysfunctional past into my life and made it my nightmare now. I can't deal with this and maintain a functional life, or my sanity.

I feel bad that ss14 is growing up in the situation he is, but he clearly has a choice to live with a dad who would love to have him and he consistently turns that down.

I am relieved for myself that ss14 doesn't live with us, selfish as that is. I know it's selfish. But I haven't been doing a very good job of looking out for my own interests lately and if I don't do it, who will? ss14 turns our life upside down when he comes and it takes weeks to calm down after he leaves. Even when he's not here there are constant problems.

I have a lot of work to do with drawing boundaries in my marriage, and it starts here.