No Backbone
I went back and read some of my old blogs on this website. Wow! I have seriously lacked backbone! So much that it's been a bit pathetic at times!
On one hand I feel embarrassed that I was so "nice" to SS18 for so long and tolerated so much rude behavior, that I tried so hard. On the other hand, I am reminded that I AM a NICE person. Nothing wrong with being nice and having good intentions... until it inevitably bites you in the butt.
SS18 has graduated from high school, barely. He's working part time and sleeping half the time. I seriously doubt he will follow through with his junior college "plans". He hasn't even signed up for classes. I am resenting this and resenting the fact that the only way to change things is to fight about it with DH. Talking about it has not worked.
I was starting to feel guilty that my resentment is growing by the day. I don't like my stepson. I try but I don't and it doesn't feel good to feel this way. I feel myself growing more and more resentful because SS clearly plans to skate by and loaf around our house as long as he can. Why do I feel guilty for feeling resentful? There I go with no backbone again!
I have become abrasive and unpleasant when my stepson is around. I am no longer warm or friendly and I bite his head off if he even slightly looks at me wrong. I don't like that somebody else's behavior is affecting me like this. I have let things go too far and get to me far too much.
This kid has got to get his butt in gear because I cannot take it anymore.
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Is the plan for SS to stay in
Is the plan for SS to stay in your home while he completes junior college?
From my experiences many men
From my experiences many men don't get motivated until they are about 22/23 and then all of a sudden the realize that they need to work hard in life to get what they want (most that means a job that pays well enough for the lifestyle they want). Then they go back to studying and do much better than their 18/19 year old self would have done because they are more mature and have a new sense of motivation. If he's not ready to even sign up for classes I wouldn't push him into it because you think he ought to, if he is going to do it he will get there in his own time and will do much better because he is self driven. What you do with him in the mean time, I don't know. Make sure he gets a dose of real life without a decent job?
Yes, the plan is for him to
Yes, the plan is for him to work and go to school while he lives with us.
He was skipping a lot of school at the end of senior year. I was the one who clued into it and DH says if it hadn't been for me figuring it out and throwing a fit about it, SS18 would be in summer school right now.
At this point, he's working part time as a restaurant server. Out partying several nights of the week after his four hour work shifts. And sleeping well past noon. I am beside myself about this and DH doesn't get what the problem is.
I insisted that DH make SS18 pay all of his car insurance, which he IS doing. He's also paying for all his own food because I refuse to cook for him anymore - he complained and threw it away all the time so I said he can go get his own food then. I also won't buy junk food so that leaves SS18 buying it for himself since he won't eat anything healthy.
I won't clean his bathroom, room or his laundry so it is world war 3 in my house if he doesn't do it every week. And if he so much as leaves a dish in the sink rather than put it in the dishwasher I lose my mind. If his room smells from piled up laundry I go nuts and he scrambles to get his laundry done, fast!
I've become the stepmother from hell. I've been told I would have made a good military school instructor.
But still, we don't ask him to do any yard work or house work. Just to completely pick up after himself. And pay for things he needs, clothes and gas and whatnot.
DH will be gone for six weeks right after the fall semester starts. It's obvious how this will go. SS18 will be skipping school - dad plans to pay for it so why should he care? He will work his part time hours - he calls in if he doesn't feel like working then wonders why they give him crappy shifts.
SS18 doesn't listen to me unless I'm a B---- and I have a fit. I feel angry that DH is letting SS slide by and leaving me to deal with this by myself while he's away for work training in the fall.
As my parents always said,
As my parents always said, "if you live under our roof, you live by our rules". It may not be a fun conversation to have with your DH but it is certainly not unreasonable to establish clear rules for SS while he's staying in your home. If he doesn't want to follow the rules, then he doesn't have to live there, simple as that. Your requests of him cleaning up after himself, etc. are completely reasonable and should be followed.
If his college is being paid for, then I would request access to his grades as well to ensure your money isn't being wasted.
Try to come up with things that DH could use the college tuition for instead (vacation, boat, new car etc), to make him see that wasting that money on SS that is failing classes would really suck for him too!
If he continues to enable SS, you have a long & expensive road ahead of you.
Good point about me pulling
Good point about me pulling myself apart. I'll have to give some more thought as to why it matters so much to me that this kid gets it together. I am sure it is based on my own selfish reasons. It has something to do with the fact that he will loaf around our house for quite some time until he gets it together. Meanwhile DH and I work very hard while he lounges. I resent it. And while he blows DH's money skipping college classes, we won't be able to have things like vacations or home improvements. DH keeps putting things off until he has his son taken care of. I don't pay for SS18, DH does. I can always take my own vacations and fully plan to at the rate things are going.
I feel terrible for saying this, but truthfully I no longer want SS18 around. I'm tired of him laying in bed until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I've grown so resentful of the mean comments, dirty looks etc that I just don't want him around. It's to the point that I am overly sensitive and will snap at him for the slightest glare in my direction. The tables have turned because I've gotten so intolerant he is walking on eggshells around me. This doesn't make for a happy home, not for anybody.
You're right ksmom, I don't think my house rules are unreasonable. But it's ridiculous how much work goes into enforcing just a few simple rules.
Sweet Pea- and if DH tells
Sweet Pea- and if DH tells you there is no money for house projects or vacation due to him paying his daughter's bills? That is the part that gets me about letting SS18 loaf on DH's dime... It ends up indirectly being on my dime too!