You are here

Boyfriend and ex wife- blurred line boundaries

Lillie88's picture

Hi there,

I am at a loss as to what willl happen here once I truly reveal my feelings on this. Here we go. We have been together for almost 4 years, I have two BS 7 and 9. He has one BS 11 

We dont live together but live 5 mins apart, his ex wife lives 5 mins away as well. 

I knew they were going to be close coparents, and in the beginning I was fine with it, but its now become too much. I thought after sometime had passed, she would do the "friendly fade" and move on.

Its both of them who are to blame for lack of boundries.

They both have keys to each others homes. When their son forgets his stuff, (which happens all the time) they will drive over and drop it off. 

When she has "something" to do, she will ask him to pick up their son and he has never said no. He's an amazing father, but she knows this. She has rarley retruned the favour.

For example, this past saturday, we were kid free, and then I was told he had his son from 11am-6pm becuase she is involved in a charity. Why she didnt take their son, I dont know. This is all fine and dandy until she returned and he immediatley asked her if she wanted to stay with us and have a glass of wine? (I was excited for them to leave) Of Course she says yes.. then their son wants a "family" meeting and asks me, do you want to go upstairs or something or borrow my head phones? The two of them say.. no no no, she can stay... and I escape to the living room where I can still hear them talking at the kitchen table about their son trying to convinvece them he needs a ipad.. when he has a phone, computer,xbox and playstation already. He won the battle but will be paying for it with his own money. it has nothing to do with me. I felt like an outsider. 

This is when it really hits me. That is his family. I am just his girlfriend, who had plans with him today, and was told that was no longer happening. 

My BS 9 has been vocal about not liking my BF but cant explain why. Its delayed us in hanging out all 5 of us, as my BS's attitude often ruins our time together. My BS 7 LOVES my BF so Im not even sure where this is coming from. But, it makes our kid weekends seperate, most of the time. I feel stuck in this relationship and that we aren't moving forward. 

His Ex also attends ALL of my BF's family functions. Christmas, his family xmas party, New years day brunch with his family...etc. 

I am always included but Im getting a little tired of her always being there. 

When we were camping this summer my BF's Dad was texting photos to his ex about how much fun we were having.. gut punch... It was my first time camping with the fam, and she was still there.. as a ghost. 

I have mentioned my feelings before, but unfortuantly, I hold my feelings in, as we have little time together alone, and I cant bring this up when his son is there. 

He has told me that they are co parenting for their son, but I dont think he realizes how co-dependant they are on each other. Theres no room for me here. 

Shes going away with their son next week and guess whose keeping HER dog? He IS! 

I asked him once, if I called and she called and we needed him, where would he go? He said "I would prioritze the need" Double gut punch! 

Do I stick this out and hope that they slowly move away from each other? They were together for 18 years, on and off....

I think I want to one day live under one roof, maybe when the boys are older... but there would be NO way she would have a key to my home. 

I cant even speak to him about this until Friday.. as its the next time we have alone time. I'm terrified. 

Thanks for reading and your advise. 


Iamwoman's picture

He isn't your boyfriend because he is still married to his ex.

This guy is NOT ready for a relationship.

He is still in a relationship with his ex and is using "coparenting" as his cover.

Coparenting simply means not slinging mud at the other parent, and following the custody order. THAT's IT.

Your "boyfriend" is in a relationship with his ex, and you are simply there to warm his bed. He must know how incredibly disrespectful he is being to you by his means of communication and his beck and call status with the "ex."

I wonder if he a misogynist who secretly enjoys stringing women along?

hereiam's picture

They were together for 18 years, on and off....

And nothing has changed.

They are not doing this for the kid, they are doing it for themselves. They are enmeshed with each other and cannot move on.

He should not have invovled you in this fiasco.

Lillie88's picture

He is the most loving and kind man I have ever known. He has helped me in many ways, but I am not as needy as she is. I like my independance, and I also enjoy the alone time I get with my sons, as they need me right now at thier ages. She is in a relationship as well, but I dont know how her boyfriend is ok with her going to all of her ex husband's family functions.. it doenst matter because its weird to me. There is no romance between them. They will not get back together. They fell out of love. But they will always be great friends. I feel sick writing this because I know Im number 3. 

I dont even know if we could ever move intogether and sometimes, I love this situation. I may even be ok in a few years when the boys grow up and move on their own.. then we can get a place to ourselves with some guest rooms for the boys. 

But, somedays its hard being a single mom of two.. I start to feel guility for wanting a partner to help carry the load, because I've been doing it for so long. He helps me at my home as much as he can, but it seems silly to go back and forth to two house on the weekends. 

I seriously start to think that no man would want to combine our families and that I'm just better off on my own. But I am an amaing partner. I give everything I can... but I have yet to find the person who puts me first. 

Thanks for your insight. 

hereiam's picture

You won't find the person who will put you first as long as you stick with this guy and coming in 3rd.

I know it's hard to end it, but you shouldn't be an outsider in your own relationship.

kslaw2014's picture

I know from experience, it only gets worse after you're married.  I had some of the same things happen as you before I married my DH, but stupidly thought it would change after we got married and I was no longer just a "girlfriend" but a "wife".  It didn't change.  If anything, it got worse because the BM was even more determined to mark her "territory".  I have been married for over five years and am still the outsider.  

Lillie88's picture

Thank you for this. I'm leaning on a good talk with him.. then considering a good talk with her as I've really hidden my feelings for a while. If they both are more aware of how its best for both of them to move on, even if this is how I exit this relationship, at least I know I said all that I can. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Please don't talk to her - nothing good will come of it. It is not up to you to make them aware that they need to move on - they already know that. They are not moving on because they like things the way they are. If she is vindictive, you talking to her will give her ammunition to use against you. Talk to your DH and lay it on the line with him, but don't talk to her.

tog redux's picture

This isn't co-parenting, this is people who have never really divorced, emotionally. They may not be "in love" anymore, but they are still acting like married people.  Co-parenting means being civil for the sake of your kids, discussing IMPORTANT issues (note: an xbox is not an important issue that requires a family meeting) and possibly switching days/times if needed (and it works for all parties, including new spouses/partners).  But otherwise, it's not catching a glass of wine with each other at drop off or going to your ex's family functions.  

I never understand why people who get along so swimmingly even get a divorce. 

Iamwoman's picture

^^^Yes! This.

If two people get along this well, they never should have divorced in the first place! Being best friends is really the key to a solid marriage...

Simpleton21's picture

The only good part about this blog is that you don't live with this man currently.  Keep it that way.  Do not ever move in with him while he is still playing family with his EX!  

I would end a relationship like this.  It sounds awful.  

One time I came home to BM parked in my spot (the driveway) and walked in to her and DH "helping SD with homework".  I lost it on him after BM left.  BM knew exactly how inappropriate that was and he allowed it.  Screw that!  No way!  I told him they want to act like they are still married they can get remarried!  Not cool!  

CLove's picture

However in this situation I am almost exclusively pro-GO.

He and the ex are too close, and there is little room for an outsider (you). Do not talk to her, she will love that she is making you feel awkward and uncomfortable. Dont feed into that. The enmeshment level is too high here. Take it from me! If you read my blogs, you will see tales that will scare you senseless. Ill sum a few things up for you:

The early times:

DH and Toxic Troll going out dancing. Going to a festival the day after he took me. They are "in trasnition through the separation". That should have been a red flag to me.

Toxic Troll BM telling DH about her sex life and dating life

DH dropping off food, because she spent all her money and she ends up eating everything

The middle times:

Toxic Troll asking Dh is she can borrow his truck to move furniture

Toxic Troll asking DH if he can hang a miror for her. If he can measure her apartment for furniture she wants to buy with her tax return money

Toxic Troll texting DH on our wedding day "good luck, hope 3rd time is the charm for u"

Toxic Troll runs out of gas a few blocks from her apartment, texts DH if he can turn around from his trip to work in the morning, and get her some gas. He tells her no, get AAA, hes off to work. She texts him again to bring her gas. She isnt working. He goes to her car with a gas can, and she is sitting at her apartment so he has to wait.

Current times:

Toxic Troll texts DH to check her car before she goes on a trip. He does (hes a mechanic). Then pesters him for "her" child support check because its her only spending money for her vacation to Hawaii (this was a few weeks ago). He post dates it.

Toxic Troll texts DH to check her car again, because fluids. He tells her that he really should not, because he is a married guy and its not respectful of his marriage, it is detrimental to his marriage. She calls him pussy-whipped, sad and pathetic.

Do you see the progression? The enmeshment is challenged, causing a lashing out. Your partner will insist its always "to keep the peace!" or "its for the children". That connection to the ex isnt just one-sided.

Now about that kid!!!!