You are here

Yep, noping right out of this one...

lieutenant_dad's picture

The good: OSS had a band competition two weekends ago. Received gold medals. Overall, excellent job!

The bad: YSS is failing half his classes while getting A's in the others. Two of the classes are taught by the same teacher, and YSS doesn't like her method of teaching. We (even I) have had conversations since the beginning of the year about how to address those issues with his teacher.

Has he done that? Nope.

He's also failing his foreign language class, which I'm 90% sure he is only taking because OSS is learning the same language (and loves it) and can "help" him with homework.

This all came out during down time at the competition. DH and I were standing with YSS, BM, and GBM (don't give me the "don't do that" spiel; I personally like standing with DH when BM comes over because it's somewhat hilarious watching BM try to be flirty and DH give her weird looks). BM just blurts out, in YSS's school, possibly with classmates nearby that he is failing.

I immediately grab my phone and nope out of that conversation as fast as possible. DH gives YSS a look, and YSS proceeds to "hide" behind OSS and GBM. BM is saying he is grounded if he doesn't pull his grades up, DH is threatening the same, etcetera and so forth. Not a lot they can do about it in public on a Saturday.

As we are leaving, DH asks me if we have enough room in the garage for YSS's stuff as he is losing EVERYTHING the next weekend. I said if we clear things out, sure. Then I reminded him that no adult kid was living in my house due to their own failure to launch. DH nodded and said that's why YSS is losing every creature comfort so he fully understands what lacking an education provides.

Bonus Story: YSS was showing DH his locker since the competition was at his school. YSS has learned that he can just yank the locker open without having to put in the combination, and he doesn't remember the combination because of this. BM told OSS to put his instrument in the locker so it was safer (yes, in the locker that YSS doesn't fully lock versus in the classroom with monitors who are specifically there to make sure instruments don't disappear or get broken).

I jokingly said to YSS that he better be careful to not lock the instrument in there since he doesn't remember the combination, since this would be the one time to close it wrong. YSS chuckled, as did OSS and DH.

Cue BM, however, rambling at me about how he closes and opens that locker 10 times a day, she could get online to get the password if they needed it because she has it, blah blah blah.

I tried to lightly say it was a joke. Either I triggered Mama Bear or she's dense because she still didn't get it, I just stared at her then went back to my phone.

Comments

tog redux's picture

As hard as alienation is/was, I'm glad the days of having to make nice-nice with BM at school events are long gone.

lieutenant_dad's picture

She and I were friendly a few years, then she threw a small fit around Christmas regarding time she had given DH, and I noped out of that, too. I'm civil to her, but I backed way out of communicating with her.

I have hit a point where I'm not sure that I care what any of them think of me, even the SSs. If they came up to me tomorrow and said they hated me, it would sting, but I'd never put another thought into their comfort ever again.

beebeel's picture

It was usually pretty embarrassing! BM would be either dressed like a skank or in her part-time job uniform, pretending like she worked more than 25 hours that week. Whatever she wore, Succubus reeked like cigarette smoke and animals. So did the skids. Stepdaddy Ted Nugent would be talking super loudly with DH, dropping the f-bomb about some pro-ball game that we didn't watch. I hated school events and having to stand in public smiling with all of them.

Was your SS's bm the one with the wacky tights?

tog redux's picture

YES, as they were divorcing, and post-divorce, she had the wackiest outfits, it was almost fun to see what she was wearing. lol.  Multi-colored tights, little plaid schoolgirl skirts with ruby red sparkly shoes, OMG.  And she's not a petite woman.

She tried at first to be co-parent of the year, and would try to talk to me, but I Grey Rocked her and she gave that up quickly.

lieutenant_dad's picture

BMXH would CONSTANTLY cuss at school (and church - that made me giggle) events. And they all would smell like unclean house and BO.

BM is still a teenage goth chick. She has an array of piercings in her face and ears, and every ball/bar/ring is a different color. Her hair is long and unkempt. She wears baggy men's jeans or bondage pants. Usually a band t-shirt. Neon and black fingernail polish. She has been wearing this weird periwinkle lipstick recently.

I really shouldn't judge other people's fashion choices because I'm not exactly fashion-forward, and I've been known to rock the goth look on more than several occasions. I think it's less the look and the more the overall package. She looks like a grungy teenager and acts like one. There is an adult way to pull off that look, and it's just not there.

hereiam's picture

Can't even be bothered to remember his locker combination? Yeah, he will get far in life. Oh, but BM will come to the rescue!

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I equally blame DH for this. He left school up to BM, much like their medical care, because she used both as PAS tactics. Basically, DH told the kids what he expected of them and what the consequences were, and more or less told BM that if she *really* wanted him out of the parenting picture then she could handle the not-fun stuff on her own. DH still made sure homework was done, went to parent-teacher conferences, new school orientations, etc. However, he wasn't going to fight over weekly reports and whatnot.

He very much so takes the "either we play the game together or I walk home" when it comes to do-parenting with BM except when it comes doling out cash. I think the approach prevented PAS entirely because he chose not to give BM daily/weekly ammunition to use against him (it was REALLY hard for her to say "see, Dad doesn't care!" because he'd show up to events and cheer them on, and she couldn't say "see, Dad is fighting with me ALL THE TIME" because he let stuff go).

However, the unintended consequence of this was his kids having to rely on their own motivation. OSS has dreams and aspirations, so this approach has worked fine for him. With YSS? He has been babied for SO LONG that he has zero reason to do for himself. DH is going to have to engage with the school more, make them ACTUALLY add him to all these school list servs and whatnot (that he signed up for but never sees anything from), AND communicate with BM in a way that he doesn't want to. He has known for two years now that he needs to do this, and BM hasn't tried her PAS tactics in a while. So, at this point, DH is just being lazy or scared, and it's hurting YSS.

StepUltimate's picture

Excellent example of NOPE-ing! And good for your DH to give such an instructive, relevant conseqence.

Well-played, Lieutenantdad!

lieutenant_dad's picture

We'll see if he follows through on the consequence.

My guess is that YSS will magically turn in some of his assignments for partial credit and slightly bring his grade up, which will appease both BM and DH.

But I may be surprised and DH may still take everything. I personally hope he leaves the furniture because I don't want to help lug it all downstairs.