What is with folks wanting to rid their lives of SKs?!
While also wanting to keep their spouse and think their spouse should focus almost solely on their "new family".
Folks, I get disengaging when either your spouse or SK is being obtuse. I get closing your home to a violent and/or dangerous SK. I get saying NO to adult SKs.
But if you have a school-aged SK who acts out, or minor SKs whose CP is no longer capable of providing care, the responsibility to address and fix that situation falls on your spouse.
It makes ALL of us look bad when you start asking how to get rid of the SKs but keep your spouse. It's even worse when you want that because you feel your child is owed more than your spouse's "first kids". Worse STILL if the SK didn't do anything wrong other than exist.
Don't want to share your life? Find someone without the baggage of kids and an ex. You're an adult. Your love and life you've built don't overthrow the needs and responsibility your spouse has to their children.
Steplife is HARD. Really HARD. It takes sacrifice. It takes compromise. If your spouse allows your SK to be rude and unruly, you have a spouse issue because, if it wasn't the SK, it would be your mutual kids or their family or friends who they allow to be an a-hole to you. If your spouse is the only stable parent and the SKs are truly "feral", they may have to move out as a way to maintain their marriage and get their kids the help they need.
This life isn't for everyone, and I do feel for those of you who feel like it's all falling apart. But remember - adults created the situation. Adults have to be the ones to work to fix it. Don't create a new generation of damaged adults who will repeat that cycle just because you want to be selfish or feel entitled.
/rant
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I'm with you, I don't get it.
I'm with you, I don't get it. I do understand that sometimes things go differently than you expect them to, but when you marry a person with kids, you don't get to just take those skids to the shelter like an unwanted pet.
The lack of empathy blows my mind. Not only is there no empathy for the skids, but there is zero empathy for their own spouse, who happens to love this hated child as much as they love the poster's child with them.
I've always been put off by the people who cheered and were happy when their skids were alienated because it improved their lives, despite the horror and trauma it caused their spouses. But this is whole new level of sociopathic behavior.
Honestly, I don't even understand the people who stay when they hate their skids so much they call them horrible names on here. How can they stay in such horrible situations and blame the kids instead of their own partner?
I don't get it.
Don't get it either! If you
Don't get it either! If you're that unhappy with the step situation, pack your bags & get the F outta dodge. I don't get the people who talk about how amazing their DH/SO/BF's are, except of course for the feral children, complete lack of parenting, enmeshment with their exes, unreasonable expectations, and lack of boundaries with anyone else in their lives..
Of course it's ALL BM & skids fault too, and if only they didn't exist everything would be perfect because my DH/SO/BF is so amazing and perfect!!
It's beyond frustrating seeing these posts. I used to think it was all BM's fault too, but people on this site set me straight & once I realized that most or all of my issues were actually DH issues, it made it SO much easier because he's the one I'm in a relationship with in the first place. I took my 'perfect' goggles off & started holding HIM accountable, and what do you know.... things got better!! If they hadn't, I'd have been out, because self respect.
I'm all for venting & looking for advice & support, but for heaven's sake if there's a problem you need to be willing to DO something about it. If it's that bad leave!
Well said, Lt. Dad!
Almost all of us need to have a safe space to work out some difficult feelings. And sometimes, saying something outrageous in jest can be cathartic.
But I agree with both of you, the lack of empathy, of trying to figure out what works for all parties vs. just getting rid of these kids so ones SO can focus solely on the new family is just disturbing.
I feel bad for the skids, who seem fairly normal all said.
Being the contrarian that I am
And having the skids for Spring Break, I kind of understand where these folks are coming from. For me, it's not that I lack empathy, it's that I'm so. bloody. tired of having to be empathetic and understanding all the time. I'm completely exhausted. I'm tired of having to be emotionally "mature" and deal with whatever BS gets dished out next by skids and BM--or for DH to deal with it and then I have to deal with DH. They are leeches who will suck anyone and anything dry. In the last week alone, DH had to sit at the dentist's office with BM for 3 very uncomfortable hours for a routine appointment for the skids that she told him to schedule on his time, but she just had to show up to (after which SS was a complete turd), SD14 has come out to both parents (and BM didn't react well) and had a separate meltdown because of on-going conflict between her and her mother, SS9 has on-going behavioral problems that BM won't do a thing about--all while DH and I have a house, jobs, and a life to run. Oh, and another kid, too.
Hell yes I would love to see the skids gone for a bit.
More than that, I would love to see DH not tortured by this woman and her spawn for a bit. (She abused him emotionally, verbally and financially during their marriage. For him to have to be in the same room with her is literally torture for him.) I would love to not be constantly relegated to the sidelines because there are bigger fires to be put out. And yes, some of this is absolutely DH, but his issues are exacerbated SOOOO much by the skids and BM that I can't even figure out where he fails and their drama begins. He tries--he really does--and he's very clear that our marriage comes first, but the drama created by the skids and BM consumes everything, regardless.
But your DH didn't 'have' to
But your DH didn't 'have' to sit there during the appointment if BM was there. He could have sat in the waiting room & refuse to play these games. He didn't, and that was his choice.
I don't think we need to be endless fountains of empathy or understanding, eff that. My empathy only extends as far as DH is willing to do something to change whatever situation is causing drama in our lives. If he sits there & allows things to happen, that's on him & I don't have to dutifully stand there & say 'you poor thing' when things don't go his way.
I am not afraid to say to my DH 'you've created this, it's not all BM's fault'. I call him out all the time where it's warranted, instead of just jumping on the 'oh but BM' bandwagon because it's the easy way out.
Would it be easier if the skids & BM weren't around? Sure, but the fact is that they're here to stay & your DH is allowing BM to play these games by doing things like sitting with her at the appointment when she showed up instead of leaving himself. You're choosing to allow this into YOUR life by staying with a man who doesn't have appropriate boundaries with his ex.
Just to be clear, DH *did*
Just to be clear, DH *did* have to sit there, it is his parenting time aThey were in the waiting room, and he wasn't playing games, but he was responsible for the kids, so he literally couldn't leave. I don't think that's a case of him having screwed up boundaries.
Perhaps this is a difference between dealing with actual domestic abuse vs. DHs that just don't "get it." I don't know how not to be empathetic and understanding of my husband who was abused for years by this woman, and I'm empathtic to the skids, too, because they have to deal with her abuse, too, except that BM is ruining them as best she can by teaching them to be abusive, too.
I agree with you, neo.
I agree with you, neo.
I have a similar situation, except that our BM actually hit my DH, too, in addition to screwing him over financially and shaming and guilting him for years. She also threw things at him. He's told me, sobbing, how hard it is to try to walk away from someone like that...have her follow you...and feel the rage building up in your body because your natural instinct is to protect yourself...and to feel like you are unable to do so. And then to feel embarrassed to tell anyone on top of that.
It's not that I don't have empathy for my skids. I do and I have always been good to them. Each of them has gotten remarkably healthier, happier, and more productive after moving out of BM's house. But I can't lie and say I haven't thought about what my life would be like if they didn't exist...if DH hadn't had that direct tie to BM for our first 8 years of marriage. YSD just turned 18 last May...and this past year has been the best and most peaceful year of our entire marriage.
While I haven't "schemed" to "get rid of" his kids...I have set up some pretty strong boundaries around us and our marriage and limited my time with them over the years...especially when it concerned things that had a direct affect on me. Like the time we attended my sisters' wedding and I made sure OSD wouldn't be there. I have "marked my territory" in certain ways, which society might say I shouldn't be "allowed" to do as a second wife...even with grown kids. I say that's BS.
I also think we come here when our empathy well has been drained dry. The fact is, if other SMs experiences are similar to mine we get constant reminders from EVERYONE in our lives (INCLUDING STRANGERS) about where we "stand" in this relationship. The kids always come first!!! What about the kiiiddddssss??!! You knew he had kidsssss!!!! It's a package deal!!!! You knew what you were getting into!!!! Try to see it from the kids' point of view!!!! You should treat them just like your own children!!!!
From the moment we step into Stephell, our entire lives are about "seeing things from the kids' perspecitive!" Meanwhile, no one tells the kids that you and their dad are now a 'package deal' or that they should treat you 'just like their own mom' now. Often, they're not even expected to have basic manners and civility toward you. The lack of balance naturally wears on SMs over time...so, no. I'm not surprised that some people fantasize about getting rid of skids once they get to a site like this.
With one notable recent exception (who seems completely unstable and whose marriage problems run far deeper than her skids), I believe most posters who make these kinds of comments are venting...like the site says. And, frankly, I don't care if that "makes us look bad" to other people. In my experience, society is ready to believe the worst about us no matter how perfect we are...so let them have at it.
Wishing to have a break is
Wishing to have a break is different than plotting to get rid of them.
BM in our situation is an unbalanced loon who alienated SS and continues to harass DH to this day. I did enjoy the quiet from BM when SS was alienated, but I did NOT enjoy how hard it was on DH and how much he worried about his son.
I choose to stay in this situation despite how much stress BM causes because I care about DH and I believe he did and does the best he could with BM and SS. He was not a Disney parent. He no longer argues with BM or reacts to her harassment. There is light at the end of the tunnel for us.
I am well aware that I chose to stay in this situation, which was difficult and chaotic from the minute BM found out I existed. Is that the same for you? Then it's on YOU, too, not just on BM and DH. You are choosing to stay in this situation.
So stop being empathetic and
So stop being empathetic and understanding.
My point is that SKs don't have a choice in any of this. They didn't make the decision to be born - their parents made that decision. They didn't decide on the divorce - their parents did. A judge decided who they lived with and which school they went to. We all decide to marry into the crazy dynamics that are made up of crazy-cakes bio-parents. It's not like the SKs snuck up in the night and said "HA HA, I'm your responsibility now!"
SKs already suffer the consequences of the choices of the adults in their lives, both good and bad. I cannot support someone who decides that they don't want to face their own consequences of marrying poorly onto SKs. You (general) don't think it's fair to end your marriage because your DH is wonderful and your SKs are hot garbage. But somehow it's fair to actively work to alienate the SKs from your spouse because it's better for you to have a spouse than for them to have a parent? No.
I get venting. I get needing a break. I even get orchestrating breaks by planning vacations with SKs or hiring babysitters. It's when that mentality shifts to "how do I get rid of these minor children" and then acting on those thoughts that is becomes a problem.
Doing behind-the-back paternity testing is a big no. Calling in false CPS reportd hoping that something sticks is a big no. Feeding information to your spouse's ex so they can win full custody is a big no. Banning kids who aren't violent is a big no. Threatening to leave your spouse unless they choose to stay solely in your home with you and your mutual kids is a big no. Telling your spouse to hand the kids to foster care is a big no.
There are lines that don't get crossed. Wishing that life were different, and venting about your life, and finding solutions that maintain your sanity while keeping your spouse's relationship with their children alive are all fine. But when you start actively working to alienate kids from their parents, even if you are the SP, you cross over into no-go territory.
Nen, I do understand what you mean regarding abusive exes and the havoc they wreak. My DH deals with the same. The court system is unfair. It makes me angry what BM has gotten away with. It would make life easier if she were gone, or if DH never married her and had kids with her. It is frustrating and tiring, and the want to give up is there.
However, I, and I assume you, would never put DH in a situation where he'd have to choose us or his kids. I'm adult enough to know that if I don't like it, I can leave, even if it's not my first choice.
*clapping*
*clapping*
You're correct. They don't
You're correct. They don't 'have a choice' in the matter...just like kids don't get a say in most adult matters. Parent's job requires relocation? Kid didn't get a choice. Parent dies? Kid didn't get a choice. Country redistricts certain neighborhoods and kid has to change schools? Kid didn't get a choice.
Meal plan for the week? How the household budget is spent? Job loss? Parents decide to have another baby? Sell their house? Kids get very little choice in any of these situations. Part of what it means to be a child is not having that many choices...partly because kids don't understand long-term consequences yet and would make horrible choices.
They do have a choice over their own attitude, though, and whether or not to be little s**** about the things that happen to them. And parents should hold them responsible for how they choose to behave.
What I see all the time in Stepland, though, is people acting like the kids should have a say in very adult matters...but that "they can't help it" when they act out because "they didn't have a choice" in the divorce/remarriage. This is entirely backward and one of the main sources of stress in a second family, IMHO. In my experience, adults cater to CODs and whimper about them "not having a choice" and walk on eggshells to not offend them and bend over backwards to make all kinds of excuses for their behavior...far more than they do for a kid who loses a parent to death. It's truly strange and it creates incredibly narcissistic kids who believe the world revolves around them.
Again...yes. It's wrong to actually "scheme" to get rid of minor children...but I don't think it's wrong to fantasize about it or come to a venting site to be completely blunt and honest about the mindwarp that is Steplife and put a little sanity back into the situation.
But again, those kids have
But again, those kids have that attitude because of their parents, meaning YOUR DH. My DH was a strong parent, and SS didn't have the attitude. He was never once led to believe that being a COD meant he'd be treated special in our home. And guess what - he was never rude or disrespectful to me. Your DH can choose to be a better parent, too.
So you've chosen to marry a lousy parent, and even if you didn't realize that at first, you do now, and you are choosing to stay.
My DH is a great parent who
My DH is a great parent who sets boundaries and expectations for his kids. I'm referring to the dynamic we see all the time.
I agree that kids mirror their parenting...up to a point. However, that's not always the case and I think it's even less of the case now when there are so many competing elements for a kid's time and attention. It's not only the parents who have this "the kids can't help it" approach to CODs. It's grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers...all of society, really. They learn from an early age that, in this situation, they can misbehave and the blame will rarely if ever fall on them.
I've seen, and I'm sure you have too, plenty of stellar parents who raise total assholes. At some point, the kids become responsible for their own behavior and attitude. That point used to be way, way, way younger than it is now...when we can barely stand to hold mid-twenty-somethings accountable.
Sorry, most of what I see on
Sorry, most of what I see on here is just crappy parenting causing crappy kids, either by BM or DH or by both. And women who complain about the skids behavior while absolving their "amazing" partners for being terrible parents.
So again, it's an adult
So again, it's an adult-created problem that needs to be fixed by the adults. By telling kids their attitude is out of control and punishing bad behavior. Or putting the kid in therapy. Or being okay with the SP leaving when the kid in there. Or moving out with the SK.
The solution, however, is to not kick the SK to the curb and act like that will somehow fix the problem. Sure, BP's marriage may last and SP may be less stressed. But those actions just created one more person who will perpetuate the cycle into the next generation, just to start this whole process all over again.
I'm not saying don't have boundaries. I'm saying have boundaries that "fit the crime". It's fine to disengage and visit your family, or take trips, or go out when the kids are over. It's not okay to book things specifically on your spouse's weekend when you could schedule it any other time so they purposefully miss time with their kids because you don't want to deal with them that weekend.
You're right - kids have a choice over their attitude. But they have to be taught how to respond to stimuli in their environment. If they have *always* been taught that they are poor little CODs, that is how they will behave. Again, that is an issue with the ADULT in their life.
I am an SK, and I tried to be disrespectful toward my SF. My mom shut that sh*t down quick. We could dislike our lives all we wanted, but we were to be polite and respectful. My mom put our needs first, but she also made it clear that we had no choices or voices in adult decisions. We had to trust her to do right by us.
I'm not giving SKs a pass. I'm saying BPs to SKs need to step it up and actually parent. When they don't, it hurts the kids (makes them unruly and unlikable), it hurts their spouses, and it hurts their marriage. And SPs need to hold their spouses accountable to handle their own mess, and give them latitude to handle it. If they don't, and life is miserable, the SP has to make the tough choice for their own life, and that shouldn't come at the expense of a parent-child relationship. Same goes for an intact family.
Sounds like you have a great
Sounds like you have a great mom.
I don't think we're really disagreeing here. When I say that I "booked things during skid weekends" I mean that I booked things for myself...or family events that the skids were also invited to, knowing that I'd have a lot of buffer between me and skids that way. My DH would never give up time with his kids...he took all the extra he could get and, if he ever had to miss for work he'd reschedule.
All I'm saying is that I think the way some (most?) divorced parents and society-at-large treats CODs is ass-backwards and harmful to them. It's a pet peeve of mine when people say: "Well...the kid didn't have a choice!!! You have the choice to leave!!!"
True...but I think that's a hurtful and unhelpful thing to say. Like leaving your spouse is just such an easy and obvious "choice" for most people in these situations. The implication is that the kid is "trapped" and you're not...when, in reality, kids are on their way up and out of the home while you're the one trying to build a home for the future. In a very real way, you may be far more "trapped" than the kid...by finances, mutual children, comingled assets, job choices, etc.
Leaving isn't really a choice...or isn't the optimal choice...for quite a few people here. Yet they're always reminded: "If you don't like it, you can always leave!" Don't you see how unkind and disempowering that perspective can be? What about: "If you don't like it, you can always work with your spouse who you love to set appropriate boundaries and remember to consider your feelings and needs, too, when making decisions."
They DO Have a Choice
In what they say and do.
“You shouldn’t have had DS because that means less money for YSD and me.” Spoken by a 21 year old. His existence didn’t change the CS amount one iota. Her being 21 did age her out of DH from having to pay CS for her. And she was the one that they had to go on public support for. DS is not taxpayer funded. We don’t even get the full child tax credit because of my income.
And the both of them thinking they were the alpha females of the house while not lifting a finger to do anything but eat and make a mess. And zero parenting from “any consequences I give them won’t matter” undermining in BFF competition with GUBM mother.
I can’t even remember now what it was that caused me to stand my ground, Remind that I am the owner of this house, and that future visitation could take place anywhere but under my roof, but I did that when YSD was 17-1/2. She was always crying to go back to BM within hours anyway.
I didn’t go into this not wanting them in my life. I did a TON for both of them. But between alienation and lack of paternal parenting, I got to the point where I didn’t care if I never saw them again. I have PTSD from the step experience.
I didn’t scheme to get rid of them, but I don’t enjoy their company and I don’t invite them to my house. To be told that their “right” to Dad’s money superseded my right to be a Mom was the nail in the coffin. No child had a “right” to their parent’s money. DS has a friend whose parents are expecting baby #6. The oldest is off to college in the fall. Does anyone think for a second that he’s calculating how this will affect his personal finances? Of course he isn’t! Because it’s an intact family where a GUBM isn’t flapping her gums.
Stephell is hell. Mostly it’s behind me. Except now I’m supposed to be donating furniture to she who doesn’t want a “career” type of job and doesn’t want to work full time. Um, no. I’d rather donate it to refugees.
I can’t and couldn’t control their behavior and words, but I can control how I react. How much time or effort their father puts into his relationship with them is up to him. Hint: he’s pretty terrible at it.
Thank you for posting this.I
Thank you for posting this.
I find posts with a lot of animosity directed towards the skids off putting, even though I could not stand my one ex-SD, who is a thoroughly damaged person.
I would have less respect for my ex if he decided to walk away or dump his child for me.
Adults have responsibilities to their children, no matter how awful the child and because of this I decided to leave.
I get it!
I get that some kids are horrible and you can wish they never existed.
Trouble is that is not reality.
The kid exists and it is the responsibility of the parent to take care of that kid, especially if they are minors.
The venom in particular instances I can understand: the overall loathing and disrepect I can not...
The bottom line remains (as said by OP) that it is a situation created by adults.
As adults be one!
Act like one.
Instead of blaming skids and BM, have a good long look at your spouse and yourself.
If the situation is intolerable, have the decency and self-respect to leave!
Activley alienating kids from parents or mistreating them is vile and wrong.
Oh there's plenty of times I
Oh there's plenty of times I wish I didnt have a stepkid. But it's more of a "I wish your mom would take you more" or a "how long until you leave for college" thing then "I'm going to do anything I can to get rid of you" thing.
She drives me insane and especially as shes gotten older I really dont care for her personality and dont think that's going to change because she has traits that i really dont care for in adults either. But I'm still the adult and shes the kid so I cant see seriously plotting to get rid of her.
Lt_dad. You're always a
Lt_dad. You're always a breathe of fresh air and sanity.
I really appreciate this, I haven't understood it the entire time... The spouse is a package deal with the kids. There's really no getting around that. And I have zero clue why you'd want to be with someone who actually just dumped the kids when you said to. To me that shows poor character and commitment, which is NOT a deserieable trait for a relationship!
I've been through a lot of falling apart feelings over the past like 6-7 months... But not for a day do I EVER want DH to just be rid of the kids so we don't have to deal with Psycho. He loves them (frankly I do too). And no matter how impossible things feel. It's a package deal.
Note: Even though I love the skids. I still definitley have times where I don't want to have to deal with child-rearing and just want alone time with DH without the kids coming in and inserting themselves in. *see hugs that magically become family hugs out of nowhere because they sense any attention being given in the house*
Oh c'mon. It's that time of
Oh c'mon. It's that time of year again. The snow is melting, the birds are chirping and the bridge dwellers have come out to play. Nothing more to discuss, really. Unless it's the psychology behind the urge to pass fiction off as fact.
LMAO. Meanwhile us sane
LMAO. Meanwhile us sane people are going insane sitting behind a desk when the weather is getting so nice
No time to start s*** if you're out enjoying life!
There is one bit of creative
There is one bit of creative writing here that makes me think the poster traded down.
It is not the blogs, but her responses which make me think this person ditched the neurosurgeon and pony...
I avoid over the top new posters.
There are other people here who can help.
I don't know what some of these steps were thinking!
I understand the posters who have adult steps and because of actions do not want them at their home or talk to them, at that point the steps are adults and are not relying on their BM or BF to provide for them, support them, etc. But the steps with children who aren't even in high school yet wanting them to go to foster care or are willing to go to illegal lengths to ensure the first children are out of the picture, are selfish and despicable.
Sure, you might not of fully anticipated what was to come or how things could be, but you KNEW your SO had a child/children prior to getting together. If they did not live with the SO full time when you met, does not mean it is not possible that one day, they might. Definitely, sometimes you look forward to when they are going to the other bio parent's home whether it is for a day or whatever to get a breather and have some one on one time with your SO, but talking about 12 y/o's and 6 y/o's and scheming on how to remove them from your SO's custody, is ridiculous and I gurantee your SO if they knew you thought these things wouldn't hesitate on saying good bye to you.
Also, that is not to say that a 12 y/o could not/would not hurt your newborn or your bio, but if that is a serious concern/has happened, be the responsible parent and take what steps you need to for everyone's safety. You cannot blame one parent and/or the young child for all of their behavior, have to realize your SO more than likely plays a factor in their child's behavior too.
Literally have been apalled by some people's vindictive nature towards children and selfishness the last few days on here.
Well I have no stepkids that live with me
they Never lived with me so I can't put myself in these posters shoes. But I do have a sort of relative that had a disabled child with my cousin. Her child is nom verbal and has a feeding tube and can't walk and has mental retardation. Her older child has severe behavioral problems. I am pretty sure this kid will be in prison one day. She does her very Best But her life has no joy. She doesn't work. She can't. She is a caregiver 100 percent of the time changing diapers of. 12 year old and then going down to juvenile detention for her son. It doesn't end for her on their 18th birthday. And even she sometimes expresses that she wishes she had a different life and that she had done genetic tests and realized she was a carrier for some very bad genes and and didn't have her children and she is the mother. I can't imagine what her life is. My cousin couldn't deal and he abandoned her and his child. And she remarried and her new husband left as he couldn't deal. So I always think of my cousin's baby mama and realize unless you are in the shoes , how can you know what it is really really like and how hard it is
I've never understood why the
I've never understood why the first parent to leave gets to be absolved of all parenting, and the one who's left is stuck with 100% of it. Who made up that law? Why can't the one who left be ordered to take custody time and not just pay? Basically, it's a race to the door.
I have nothing to do with my cousin
As I find his behavior despicable.
Spring break and the kiddies
Spring break and the kiddies are bored....
Seriously, thank you for this post.
Who in the he!! does this stuff?? Don't like the skids? Don't get involved with the parent. And definitely don't have kids with them!
I've been through some difficulties with my skids, but that doesn't mean I 'plot' to get rid of them. WTH. What I did was make plans to do things with friends on skid weekends. Or go to my parent's house. The skids come to spend time with my DH. Not me.
This is what I did too, Ani,
This is what I did too, Ani,
However, I can't say what would have happened if skids lived with us full-time. I probably would have left or at least lived separately until they aged out. Thank heavens that never came to pass.
I did fantasize about them not existing, though. All the time. I see most of the "want to get rid of my skids" post as this...fantasizing. I don't think that's necessarily unhealthy.
That post/poster made me feel
That post/poster made me feel ill. Fantasizing is one thing. Actively plotting is a whole 'nother animal.
Two, at one point, I encouraged DH to go for full custody of the boys knowing that I would be responsible for them weeknights. I wanted what was best for them and it certainly wasn't what BioHo was doing.
I'm extremely grateful that DH left Disney Dad-ing behind. He's a good man and a good father. The boys idolize him. And BioHo screwed up royally because all the boys want is to get as far away from her as possible. SS19 did almost 2 years ago and PP16 has been talking about moving to the Southwest as soon as he graduates HS. Even SD26 has taken a big step back from 'Ho and her BS.
Despite the crappy things that have happened, I still want the best for the skids. Even Miss B!itchy Pants, SD22. DH loves them and I love DH. Simple as that.
I agree. I still want what's
I agree. I still want what's best for my skids, too. Partly because I have come to care for them...and partly for the totally selfish reason that the more healthy and productive they are, the less likely they are to coming sniffing around my home and my marriage. I told my sister this same thing when she was struggling after they got full custody of her SS. Don't do anything to screw him up or damage him or you'll never be rid of him...be the best stepparent you can be if only to make it more likely that they'll leave one day!
She followed that advice, thankfully, and actually came to love him. It helped that she had her own kids, who he's very good to...and who adore their big brother.
That post in question...I agree that he shouldn't go behind his wife's back...but what bothers me is the planning and plotting and deception within the marriage, not his feelings toward his skid that are prompting the behavior. Our feelings are our feelings...we can't really help them but we can control them. Also, he has a very young baby and men get post-partum weirdness, too. His hormones may be out-of-whack and his protectiveness may be kicking in in an unhealthy way.
I actually think it would be healthy for his wife to exert less control over her daughter...and healthy for his SD to get more time with her dad. In his other posts, he says that she tries to limit their contact. That poster should man up and talk to his wife about this honestly and openly...tell her that it's wrong for her to alienate her daughter from her dad. Explain that, now that he has his own kid, he realizes just how wrong it is and he can't support her in her efforts to keep the dad and the dad's family away from their mutual child.
I guess what I'm saying is...the sneaky behavior is 1000% wrong...but I don't feel like the foundational feelings or concerns are misplaced, actually.
That type of lowlife is an
That type of lowlife is an amoeba on a piece of rat feces in a festering garbage dump.
I seriously dated some guys
I seriously dated some guys with kids, but I NEVER considered marrying one of them. People did not live together back in my day (decades and decades ago) so I never lived with any skids either. Just dating the kids were not part of my life at all. I knew that was something I did not want no matter how great a guy it was. Call me selfish or call me realistic.
SS was in his 20s when I met him. DH had already warned me about SS's issues. I do not place blame on DH or BM. I think both tried their best with him - but he was a mess even before he started school. He was recommended for in placement psychatric care at that age. His grandfather was a doctor and head of a hospital, BM has a fairly senior position at a major hospital. SS received care and treatment over and over again.
DH asked if I could give SS a chance, and I did. SS is totally banned from my life now and DH accepts that. DH of course if free to see and talk to him just as long as it is not in our home even if I am not here.
I agree lieutenant dad
this is just as bad as exspouses trying to sabotage the new relationship so they can get ex back or better still, make it that the first family (skids only matter) and that any other family members are irrelevant aka gubm.
I know my husband was married before with 3 kids, but those kids are not more important than mine, hubby sure knows that and tells them when they last minute expect he drop important things with our toddlers for them.
there is no concept or understanding of compromise. Divorce means compromise!! Things won’t always be perfect and life is tough but that post by stefany.lee its just on and on how to get rid of skids. Your husband is a cheating arsehole.
if any skids of mine harmed my bios, i’d be out the door!! If hubby wanted me back and these were adult skids, he’d have to remove them from our home because they shouldn’t be living there period!!
but minors with major issues, there are plenty of behavioural school/boot camps. But in the case we know about lately, bio mum claims all this abuse and harming yet never thought to report to cops or lodge a formal complaint with cps. If your bios are being abused the way as described, how the heck do you just not think about making a formal report to the authorities
The ol' "He's Mr. Wonderful,
The ol' "He's Mr. Wonderful, it's the kids and the ex that's the problem." Separate a man from their responsiblites and the chaos they've created and of course they look like a delicate flower.
Just remember ladies, if Mr. Wonderful is single there's a reason.
I am guilty of occasionally
I am guilty of occasionally wishing skids were not around. Even occasionally wished for PAS. I imagine how much easier it would be to not have skid disagreements. But that's just a passing thought and I would never wish that for my SO- one, because I would never want to see him hurt like that, and two, it's not the skids fault. I'm also not a sh*tty person. While I can relate to some of the posts on this site lately about getting rid of skids, I cannot believe people are actively trying to find ways to make this happen. It's pretty disgusting, and I hope there is a special place in hell for people who plot to get rid of a child their SO loves just to simplify their life....people that are ok with causing someone they love that kind of heartbreak.
I will say, that if a skid was poisoning my kid like the one story on here, I may think differently, but that whole situation is a dumpster fire anyway.
My biggest issue is Toxic Troll BM
I love munchkin SD12, and never plotted or planned how to get rid of Toxic Feral. She is an adult who decided what she wanted to do, and what she wanted was to leave EVERYONE behind until she needed someon. DH tried and tried, and I was supportive of him having a relationship with Feral outside the home.