I suppose an update is in order...
YSS went to ET's for part of spring break and seemed to enjoy himself. She didn't have his room ready yet, so he apparently slept on the couch. Trying not to be grumped by that one as someone who has managed to pack and clean a house to move while working full time and not disrupting YSS in that process, AND while going to school, but whatever. Can't expect a woman who isn't working to clear out a room for her kid that she's had 2 full months to clean out.
Oh, right, school. So, ET isn't working, but she is in school.
To be a bartender.
Because she wants to work in a dive bar.
So she can just bartend and not be a server.
Ummmm. Yep. Just going to leave that alone, too, because maybe it works out? Maybe she finds that magical job where she gets to just be a bartender and never be a server and gets to make awesome drinks and make bank. If such a job exists, I have a few friends I need to let them know.
Also, she's becoming a bartender but wants to start up EOWE visitation here soon. Which is great, but when does she think she's going to work as a bartender? Money from bartending comes on weekends, so...
Oh, also, she found out where our new house was and drove the boys by it this past weekend. Why? I dunno. Kind creeps me out a bit. It's not like she won't know where it is, but for a woman who has, multiple times, not told DH where she moved to until *after* having already moved there, I'm not impressed. DH didn't give her the address, just the general area, and she found it.
Not much else to share. It has been pretty uneventful. YSS is still in therapy and has been talking more and more about hobbies he wants to get into. We're counting down to move day. We are planning a trip for the summer. So, overly, things are moving along. Perhaps post-move I'll have a different attitude when I have time to reflect.
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So I have to come to realize
So I have to come to realize BM's like this have brains that are just wired different. In their mind they are amazing moms, exes and friends to the new SM. They have zero clue the chaos they create for their children, exes and SM.
YEP, hence her nickname
YEP, hence her nickname Eternal Teenager. It's not that I think she's an overall evil person. I just think she has the brain of a teenager and does unbelievably stupid things without thinking them all the way through. Nothing seems to change how she actually thinks or act. It just shifts to something else.
The bartending thing is a great example. I don't begrudge anyone who wants to be a career bartender. But ET has never worked in food service. DH and I both have, and when DH tried to advise her against being a bartender because he knows the work involved (and the work she doesn't want to do), she just acted like he was being silly.
What she needs it to work at the DMV. Not even kidding. $13-15 an hour, set daily schedule, weekends off, state benefits, very little physical work (because she gets injured and quits/gets fired from anything physical), and little skill except basic computer skills. She'd do better taking an Intro to Computers class and getting on with the DMV, or a call center. Pay might be low, but she'd be able to work consistently with benefits.
She's going to BARTENDING
She's going to BARTENDING SCHOOL??? Too funny!
I operated high volume bar/restaurants for a long time. And I would never hire someone from one of those schools.
She never fails to disappoint, does she?
I've never heard great things
I've never heard great things about those schools unless you just don't know alcohol and need to get a job in food service but don't have time to learn the alcohol piece on the job. I don't think it's going to work out how she thinks, but maybe I'm wrong.
Oh, you're not wrong.
Oh, you're not wrong. Learning what a jigger is or how to make a screwdriver in no way prepares individuals for the high pressure multi tasking of even basic bartending.
Seeing that on a resume without any actual experience tells me the individual probably doesn't understand how the industry works. Bartenders not only have to be skilled at slinging liquor, but also have to be able to handle people effectively. ET is too lazy and too dumb for that job. Hopefully she's attractive and has big boobs.
Your name for her is apt
Yes, she is an eternal teenager. I'm glad you have the insight to realize it's a developmental issue, not an evil intent. It doesn't make your task of raising a wounded boy easier but it must help to realize that she's not inflicting damage intentionally. Whatever we might think about her poor decisions, she is just doing what seems appropriate to her (slowly working on his room, attending a vocational school, making sure she knows where he will live). Just hang in there, Lt. You are doing very well.
While I don't think her
While I don't think her intentions are evil, I don't think they're that pure, either. They're selfish. This isn't the first time she has been to vocational/trade school (third time, actually). She knew YSS was visiting (she asked for the visit), so it's not like she didn't know he needed somewhere to sleep. And when DH and I first bought our current house, she demanded to see it before the boys visited/stayed overnight, so I assume her tracking down where we live is in a similar vein.
She has the capacity for evil and has been evil. Most of her actions come out of selfishness. DH thinks I lack empathy in regards to ET, and it's not that I lack empathy, I just don't see her actions as being entirely out of her lack of development. Much like a teenager, some of it is due to lack of development/upbringing. Some, though, is due to laziness and an entitled attitude. Spending money for a bartending school is lack of development, or not having the knowledge that those schools tend to rip people off. Wanting to be a bartender at a dive bar where you don't have to wait tables but make bank is entitlement (and I bet she quits in 6 months when she doesn't rake it in), and refusing to work for the DMV because she doesn't want to have to drive 30 minutes to work and park in free parking downtown where she'd have to walk a few blocks is laziness.
It's not so much that I've changed my opinion of her. I've just lowered my expectations, and yet she keeps surprising me when she can barely meet them.
ETA: I do appreciate your optimism and trying to help me see it. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I think I'm just jaded at this point. Even if she turned her life around completely, I'd constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Jaded
Dont worry, I totally understand. I positively hated our BM and for many good reasons. Now that shes been dead awhile, I kind of understand she was trying to maintain her role with her kids and bottom line, she was an uneducated person with many of her own problems. That didn't minimize the damage she did. And, that's what you're saying, no excuse minimizes the damage ET does.
Haha, "in school" to be a
Haha, "in school" to be a bartender!
A friend of mine did that years ago. She was young (with a college degree and employed) so it was really just for fun and she thought she could make some extra money bartending on the weekends. The classes were fun and she learned some stuff, BUT those classes did not matter when it came to getting a bartender job. Still had to start at the bottom = server. She never ended up doing anything with it.
Bahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
I am a professionally trained mixologist and have only bartended; never been a server. YES, the best money is made on weekends. But if ET thinks she is going to make money simply by showing up and uncapping a few beers, she's completely delusional.
Qualities you need to be successful and make GOOD money:
Lordy, but I am ROFLMAO!
I am impressed she took him
I am impressed she took him but, I don't think there will ever be a constant EOWE schedule. Especially with her new career idea.
One thing about my SO that I find interesting (this comes from you saying your DH says you lack empathy towards ET.. which you don't IMO) is that yes.. he says BM is a loser, prefers for her not to see/take skids but, he doesn't hate her. He will however, be extremely critical of other people who have not done anything close to what BM has. Like.. if he is talking about guys from work ex wives, or other people's random family dynamics.
Now, I know hate is a strong word but, how can he not hate her? How can he not see all the damage she has caused for him and his kids. How DOES he feel empathy towards her? She has put him, the skids, and our relationship through SO MUCH so how does he not hate her. Because he loved her at some point? This is my only reasoning in my head that I can think of and honestly... it bothers me once and while.
Him and I are very different people though (emotionally) so I try to understand but, never will.