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So frustrating!!

Left out mama's picture

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Left out mama's picture

Ok so I'm super frustrated. My SD10 seems to think that when someone says stop that it's just  a game. She'll just keep doing the behavior that she was told to stop. An example would be doing a goofy dance  when she should be getting her backpack ready for school. Her dad will tell her she needs to stop goofing off and get ready for school, but she just keeps dancing and goofing off.

sometimes it's clearly a defiance thing and she is disciplined for that.

Other times,  (most of the time) when she's told to stop, she just keeps going because she doesn't think they were serious when they said stop. Or she thinks  a game has been initiated and she'll amp it up.
She will continue to be told to stop, and she just keeps it going. That's what happened this morning when she was focusing more on talking in a robot voice instead of getting ready for school. Her dad and I both told her to stop and focus on getting ready for school. But she thought we were all playing a game.
Eventually  someone raises their voice and yells in anger at her to stop. At that point she will stop but act like she got her feeling hurt because they didn't want to play anymore.
She did not keeping it going because she was trying to be defiant... she just genuinely did not understand that she was really actually being asked to stop. that we weren't all playing a game. 
it's like she goes into Lala land and loses connection to reality. 

she is immature for her age... probably closer to 7 or 8 than almost 11. So part of it may be that, but her biomom never seemed to stop doing this....she lives in a total fantasy world and has had complete discontent from reality. No matter how many consequences biomom has had, she never learned to take warnings seriously. That was just not convenient in her fantasy world.
what can I do to help my SD understand when it's okay to goof off and play and when she needs to understand when it's not appropriate (like when someone says stop).

I want her to be a kid and have fun, but I want her to know when it's appropriate and to understand that "stop" will always 100% of the time mean stop.

Tried out's picture

give her a code word/phrase that is used exclusively for situations like this? 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I'm not an expert but I'd guess that she gets some satisfaction from the negative attention she's getting.  If she needs help focusing, can you try and change things up so she's getting praise for focusing rather than attention for goofing off.  I'd look into some resources for helping to set out a more structured morning.  Maybe give her single activites to complete to start with and then praise her as she's completing each single activity.   

Left out mama's picture

I was actually thinking about setting up a reward system for her when she listens the first time and we don't have to repeat outselves

 

Nette5's picture

Talk to her when the behavior is not happening. Explain what you need her to do & why. Use this time to ask questions about why she feels the need to ignore what you are telling her. This would also be the time to find the code word to use for when she needs to stop playing around and get moving.

Another option: pick your battles. If her behavior is not slowing her down, ignore. 

Cover1W's picture

This is pretty good. Both my SDs would not stop annoying behavior much of the time and either keep going or amp it up when asked to stop. It was ignored if it wasn't directly effecting us but if it prevented us from doing something then yes, it needs to stop. Basic social skills need to be learned.

YSD did this longer than OSD did. One of the last times she was around 12 and just would not stop. DH finally yelled at her. She got mad. Then we both talked with her about respecting others time and requests and hearing what they are saying. That she was being rude by ignoring us , not the other way around. She was crying but man, it worked.

Left out mama's picture

We have asked her about this many times... both during and well after an incident when things have settled. she just says "I don't know" gets all moopy and pouts. But it hasn't made any difference 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Does SD know that "stop" means stop if someone tells her to stop doing something to them?

I think Felicity gave excellent advice on how to help SD get ready so that it is less frustrating on you all. However, I'd be more concerned if she is struggling to understand the word "stop" in the context of consent. If she is struggling on that front, I think your DH (or you or whoever is minding her) need to not give her extra opportunities to to good around. "Stop" is said once and consequences happen immediately after if she doesn't.

Your DH needs to talk to SD before making any changes to her routine or giving out punishments. If she still doesn't get it, I'd like bring up the concern with a pediatrician or counselor to find out either better ways of explaining it to her or seeing if she has something else happening preventing her from understanding. Not understanding consent puts her in danger, both as a potential victim and assailant.

Left out mama's picture

Sometimes I wonder if she understands what no or stop mean. Sometimes it's like the lightbulb does t come on

Lifer33's picture

Else said. And I'm no expert either but I found counting works. Giving a parameter and counting to 3, 10 etc 

My dd near pooped herself other day as she actually thought I was leaving the house without her 

Ispofacto's picture

10 minutes of her favorite cartoon before leaving the house IF she is ready on time.  Then ignore her antics.