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WTF???

SM12's picture

Why can't I get any of my blogs to post?? So Frustrating!!

SM12's picture

Since I can't seem to get my blog posted any other way....Here it is!!
It has been a constant struggle at our house when it comes to the division of chores (among several other issues)
I have made it clear from DAY ONE that I will not be the maid for this house and just because I have a vagina does not make me responsible for the
cleaning and cooking for everyone swinging Junk in this house.
Recently I had to explain this AGAIN to DH as he seemed to go around with blinders on and not help.
So DH seemed to be stepping up a bit in several areas, Including taking more responsibility over his Offspring.
Yesterday was DH's day off. THe agreement was that he would cook dinner on his days off to give me a break. WHen it was close to the end of my work day he asked me what he should make for dinner. I told him I didn't care and he could make whatever he wanted. SS8 suggested something for dinner but we didn't have what it took to make it and really didnt have the extra money to go to the store to get the expensive fixings. We had plenty of other food but it would have required forethought and thawing but we had a few items that could have been made easier. 15 minutes later I come out of my office and find DH and SS sitting there each eating frozen pizza. They were the individual pizzas so it wasn't like there was any left for me. I asked DH, "so is that dinner?? I guess Im stuck fending for myself???" DH looks at me like he just realized I was home (I work from home!!!) and stutters. I was instantly PISSED!! Trust me...I did NOT want frozen pizza. That was not the point. THe point is...I cook dinner nearly EVERY night and I always make enough for him and his offspring. Even if I have already eaten, I will fix DH something like a sandwich or whatever on MY night to cook. I never leave him out to dry. After he ate he went outside to work on the yard for a bit. When he came back in he asked why I was pissed. I explained to him how the fact that he totally didn't even CONSIDER that I may be hungry (after I had already told him I had skipped lunch due to being too busy to eat) and just made dinner for him and SS was rude and inconsiderate. I explained that made me feel like I am NEVER a consideration in his brain.
I also made a point to tell him since it never entered his brain to even ask if I wanted pizza or something else, that I would NO LONGER be cooking for him or his offspring. I will cook for me and BS and he can handle his meals for himself and his kids. He looked totally shocked and got pissed. He claims because he didn't "know" how to cook the foods we had in the fridge, he just wanted a snack until he could ask me how to do it. Reminder...he went out and worked in the yard after eating. I finally called him out on his bullshit and asked "did you have something else in mind to cook while you were eating your pizza??" His reply was No... EXACTLY...You never even CONSIDERED cooking something else or making me anything for dinner.
Yes it may sound petty to some but I am still pissed. Why offer to HELP cook if you are going to only do it for yourself? That doesn't help me at all, it just makes me feel totally taken for granted and unloved. I seriously do not see how he cannot understand this. Needless to say I got a half asses apology and only because he knew I could totally crush him with my sane logic.
I will admit in my smart ass response,,,he was informed that I will NO LONGER be cooking for him. I have no clue what he was thinking...Im at a loss.

SM12's picture

He actually can cook but plays the poor me card whenever it's something he doesn't want to do. In the past he would look up recipes, plan it all out and try to make it gourmet. He just didn't obviously want to do it. I don't like to cook every night either but we have kids to feed so I have to. The thing that bothered me most was the fact he said he was going to cook and then didn't. If he would have said..."hey me and SS just want pizza, can I fix you something you like?" I would have been fine. It was that he didn't even consider me. Kind of like tough shit DW you're on your own! I always try to take his feelings into consideration and it's not reciprocated. Plus there were things he could have made for all of us...it just requires more effort then I am worth in his eyes! More hurt at his lack of consideration than anything else.

dood's picture

Wow, just wow. I don't think you're being at all petty... I'd be hurt and beyond pissed off. Please hold to your ground and never, NEVER cook for him or his again.

SM12's picture

Thank you....I am finding this seems to a quality of his that I am just not liking. He has become very selfish in many ways that he never was before.
And the "poor me" crap I can't stand. You are 40+ years old....you seriously are capable of LEARNING how to cook for yourself and your family.
I think I am starting to see why his "perfect" marriage ended. He always claimed he was totally blind sided by the fact BM had an affair and left.
Well shit..I can see why now. If he did this crap to her on a daily basis she must have been searching for compassion and consideration elsewhere. Not that I condone it by any means...just makes things a bit clearer from my perspective.

Kaliko's picture

It seems that some people - and not even "bad" people - subconsciously try to push the boundaries to figure out exactly how little they *have* to do to live a comfortable life. So good for you! The only way I've found to counter that - besides couples counseling - is to make their lives uncomfortable when they go too far for you to deal with, until they straighten up and fly right. Luckily, I think being inconsiderate is something you can be trained out of. I made a lot of mistakes like that for a long time, just not *thinking* about stuff, until some friends gave me some tough love and informed me that I was hurting people when I didn't put time into thinking about their needs. Realizing that I had been hurting the people I loved the most was all the motivation I needed... and maybe I also need a reminder from time to time, still.

I haven't read your past messages yet.. so I don't know how you've addressed this. I feel like a lot of guys can deal with anger pretty easily, and it makes them withdraw or push back - but they're actually shocked and dismayed by the knowledge that their action/inaction hurt someone to the point of them breaking down in tears. Not exactly recommending you play up the "helpless damsel" angle, but... a bit here and there sometimes brings the knight in them back out. Best wishes for you.

SM12's picture

DH and I have had MANY discussions about his lack of help and my NEED for him to help me. I have asked nicely, cried, screamed, pouted and tried every angle imaginable. All goes well for a few days and he slips right back into his old habits. I have come right out and asked him if he feels that I take good care of him and the kids...he says "yes, you take great care of me and the kids"...Then I hit him with..."well who takes care of me???". I got crickets...NOTHING...I think he was too stunned to reply. So now he has slid once again with this last instance and I am honestly too tired to keep TRAINING a grown ass man. I will just stop doing for him what he doesn't do for me and lets just see how this plays out. I already told him I was not cooking for him and I was going to enjoy my new found free time. Yes I know it was mean to day but he seriously needs smacked upside the head.

Kaliko's picture

I am so sorry.. Sad I don't like training adults either. It's gross and anti-sexual. I couldn't stand to have my ex touch me toward the end because it felt like sleeping with a child.

I don't think it was mean at all, tbh. You've done more than your share for long enough already.

EvilAngel's picture

Nothing petty about this at all. I would be SUPER pissed off! My DH has been a serious SLACK ASS since we moved. It's only been 6 nights since we moved and I have cooked dinner every night except one and I don't mind that but I do the dishes too. THAT pisses me off.

SM12's picture

Im glad Im not the only one who feels this is out of line. DH did unload the dishwasher which was a surprise but I didn't find this out until after I was already to pissed to see straight. The only time he ever helps is when I am pissed off which I pointed out to him. I explained he cant be upset that I am always pissed off when he is the one who doesn't help until I get PISSED OFF! Thats the only way I get help. I obviously want to take care of my family and try to do a great job at it but there comes a time when no one is caring about how I'M doing. That one act made me feel totally used and unimportant and he has no idea why.

EvilAngel's picture

Men are so stupid! I got upset with DH the other night because he was being a passive aggressive smart ass to me. He didn't understand WHY I was pissed off. Geezzzzz....

SM12's picture

Are we married to the same man??? DH is also passive aggressive. I wish like hell he would just tell me how he really feels even if he doesn't agree. At least then I could work with it. Nope...He will do sneaky shit to get back at me for whatever offense he thinks I have made. He started to walk off from me last night because while he was spewing his bullcrap of excuese as to WHY he didn't make ME any dinner, I rolled my eyes. Well Im sorry but I cannot control the fact that my eyes can even hear the spewing of ignorance coming from this mans mouth. DH is the worst at this stuff. There are times I wonder just how far he will go behind my back just to get back at me for being upset with him. That alone makes me wonder if I should be in this relationship. Trust is easily broken and impossible to fully regain.

EvilAngel's picture

LOL I hope we aren't! Mine is super passive aggressive too. He's a good man but I hate when he does that because then he says I am the one being mean. WHAT?!?!?

SM12's picture

Bahahaha... Thats ok because I have been called Aggressive and I refuse to compromise...WHAT????
I swear he was dropped on his head as a child...multiple times