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Just when I thought things were going well...

Learning the Ropes's picture

This is my first blog post, and it is going to be LONG. A little background: FH has a 12yo daughter, and I have a 14yo daughter and 8yo son. FH and I have lived together a little over a year now. His divorce began about 4 or 5 years ago, and was finalized almost 3 years ago. Mine was finalized about the same time as his, and we met a few months after the "divorce dust" settling for both of us.

My daughter has a history of pretty severe emotional issues, and lives with my parents, but visits regularly. Her issues are quite good now, with two therapists, medication, and the nearly military-school-like structure of my parents' home and their consistency. My son lives with FH and I, but visits his dad a lot. (5 of 14 nights). SD-to-be lives with her mother. FH was not fully exercising visitation rights until about 4 months ago. He would get his daughter on Saturdays, but she would want to go home before bed, so he would take her. I urged him to start the EOWE visitation he has rights to, and develop a real relationship with his daughter, and he agreed that it was important, and did.

We have VERY different views of how children should be disciplined, and the amount of guidance they need, and it is causing us problems. We were in couples' therapy for a few months for other issues, but touched on this, as well. I believe that children should ALWAYS be polite and respectful. There are no exceptions. They can disagree, or become very upset about not getting their way, that is their right, but they NEVER have the right to be disrespectful or rude to their parents (or any other adult that is responsible for them). No yelling, eye-rolling, profanity, or defiance. I should probably mention that I'm southern, so this includes saying "yes, ma'am" and respectfully addressing adults as "Mr." or "Mrs.", which I realize isn't necessarily commonplace in all parts of the country, and I probably expect more formal etiquette from children than the average American. I think that he would like for his daughter to be polite and respectful, but he certainly doesn't demand it, and it seems as if he thinks it will just magically happen without him insisting upon it. BM is even more lenient than he is. The result is a VERY spoiled, disrespectful, and downright rude child who throws absolute FITS if she doesn't get her way. (chews with her mouth open, talks with food in her mouth, yells at her father that she WILL NOT do something he's told her to do, and informs him that he can't make her, the list goes on and on) We've had several discussions about how to handle things with all three of the children, and I thought we had gotten to a point where we were on the same page... Boy, was I wrong.

Our wedding is scheduled for late March. His parents live very far away, but came to visit for Labor Day weekend, which aligned with his visitation. Our parents had not met before, so I planned a dinner for the entire family for the Saturday afternoon that they would be here. The two of us, all three children, and both sets of parents. I planned this for weeks, choosing a typical southern meal that his parents had never tried, and his mother and I had a wonderful time getting everything ready, down to putting out my china, and setting up a "children's table".

His daughter didn't want to eat the main dish that was served, so he grilled burgers for her and my daughter. I didn't mind this, as I wanted as much harmony as possible during the meal. They were given burgers, with the green beans that were a side dish. We all sat down to eat and everything seemed to be going well, when I heard the smacking and mouth-stuffed-like-a-hamster talking start, but tried to just let it go. Then she asked if she had to eat the green beans... falling blindly into the trap of not choosing the battle wisely, her dad told her "yes, you have to eat them." All HELL broke loose. She refused, he told her she had to, she said she had a stomachache and couldn't eat anymore. Her dad said she still had to eat them. Then she said, "You can't MAKE me eat ANYthing." Her grandfather stepped in then, telling a nice story about how he had to eat lots of things he didn't like as a kid, we all do, one of those great grandfather kind of things, and then she YELLED at her grandfather, and everyone just sort of froze, mouths gaping, waiting for something to be done. Nothing was. I said to FH "you need to deal with her, NOW." and he snapped at me for talking to him that way in front of everyone. Then she told her dad she was done eating, and again, he told her to eat the green beans. She put a few in her mouth, then started gagging over and over (as loud as possible), and when he didn't react to this, she spit them on her plate, and starts yelling, "I just threw up all over my plate because you tried to make me eat those disgusting beans, and no one even cares!" Then she stormed upstairs and slammed the door. And her father JUST SAT THERE. No apology to anyone, no correction or reprimand, NOTHING.

Apparently, when he went upstairs 10 or 15 minutes later, he says that he told her that he was disappointed in her behavior, and she cried, so she must be really sorry. And since she didn't get to have dessert, that was her punishment, and she was probably really upset about that. A couple of hours later, he offered her ice cream and wanted us to all eat ice cream together. I refused, and said I already had dessert, my mom brought a gourmet cheesecake from the bakery for our dinner. This is his version of "dealing with the bad behavior". I am livid. And I can't shake it.

Every time I have tried to discuss this with him, telling him that he and I need to agree on a way to address inappropriate behavior and have a united front, he tells me that I am a drill sergeant, or that he already dealt with it let it go, that I am too harsh, that she can't help it because she's going through puberty and hasn't learned to deal with her emotions, or some other various ridiculousness that either blames me or makes excuses for her. It has ended up as a heated argument every time. Neither he nor his daughter apologized to me or anyone else at the table for ruining the dinner. And now, I'm really questioning if I want to co-parent with someone who has no backbone with his own child, yet won't allow me to so much as ask her to chew with her mouth closed.

On top of this, MY children are ordered to not wear shoes in the house, not take food away from the table, rinse their plates after eating, turn off the tv if leaving the room, make their beds before going anywhere, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. None of this is bad, but I never had these rules before moving in with him. My children had to immediately adopt HIS house rules, and I backed him up, explaining the merits the whole way. But I am positively sick of the double standard. His explanation for that is that he only sees her 4 days a month and doesn't want to spend that time making her do chores!!!

I don't know how to handle this. I really don't know if I can marry him and live this way. I love him dearly, and when his daughter isn't around, everything is wonderful, or was, until this stalemate. If anyone has words of wisdom for compromising on parenting styles and surviving different standards for children, PLEASE share.

Comments

Everyones Interest's picture

do you think it'll get better once you marry him?

It sounds like he has a double standard, and that you can't tolerate it. If he would show some willingness to change, maybe it would be better. However, from what you describe he has justified his actions (or lack of) and seems to believe that what he is doing is okay because, he only see's her 4 days in a month.

Maybe another round of counseling will help. This time making parenting styles the main focus. A lot of women on here are having MAJOR problems in their lives due to incompatible parenting styles (or Disneyland Dad syndrome). I know some have said that if they could do it all over again, they wouldn't marry the man they married. That's food for thought!

Learning the Ropes's picture

...and he seemed more than willing. I know that he's in turmoil, too, because I am so upset, and just can't "get over it" because it is so bad. She NEEDS help, and needs SOMEone to parent her, because no one really ever has, beyond her toddler years. She's still babied like that, but has the privileges of a late-teens aged child. If the counselor can help us come to a common place on how the children should be managed, I think there's hope. At least that way, even if he doesn't have the guts to enforce things, I'll know I have his support when I do. Because I have no fear of standing up to a 12yo girl. I teach high school, and face off with 6'5" gang members -- I've got it in me, and my skin is THICK.

"Be careful who you have babies with..." --BitchBitchBarbie, 2009

misfit's picture

I agree with Everyones Interest.

You say this girl is a pre-teen or so? If he's fathered her this way for most of her life, plus the lousy parenting that BM has instilled, you're going to be fighting a battle until you either go nuts and split or die. It's so hard to change yourself, never mind someone else. What stands out for me is that your FH says that because he only sees her 4 days a month he doesn't want to make her spend time doing chores. HUGE HUGE HUGE RED FLAG. This dad is guilty and worst of all, completely disrespecting your role as a potential co-parent (and don't think if you marry him, this will change. It won't.) Maybe he doesn't know how to set boundaries with SD because he feels insecure about his parenting skills. 4 days a month don't get you much time to instill anything so he just follows her behavior and let's her set the stage. You will have a VERY hard time getting a handle on this. Getting DH's confidence up and helping him realize that he's got to discipline is impossible if he doesn't see it as a problem as well.

It's really hard to say "get out, run, don't bother" because I'm in that spot right now. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to see the obvious signs, but it's the truth.

I wish you LOTS of luck because from what you've said, basic intelligence and manners are no help. Please keep us posted!

If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burning.

Learning the Ropes's picture

My understanding is that he was the disciplinarian parent, constantly telling the BM to stop babying (she still spoon-fed her cereal at 5yo, for example) before the divorce. After the divorce, the daughter went through a very long, angry-at-her-dad-for-leaving-the-family stage. BM was really doing a number on her, telling her her dad abandoned her to be with another woman, that sort of thing. I met her about 6 months to a year after their divorce, so 2-3 years after the separation. He was JUST getting her to agree to even see him. So there was this big gap where he went from the "tough" parent, to not being able to see her without her completely flipping out on him. At that time, he had resorted to trying to win over her affections, and she was playing him like a fiddle, so I encouraged him to be strong and start getting her for weekends. A year and a half later, he did, and we had progressed from the initial visitation, when she called and left a voicemail for him saying, "What is this sh!t that I have to come stay every other weekend with you?! I'm so f#*%ing p!ssed off at you for this, I hate you and I don't want to come see you, you can't make me", to in just 3 or 4 months, making plans with her for what we'll all do together the next visitation. We're talking leaps and bounds. But, she is so VERY rude and manipulative. He wants me to be patient, as we've come so far, but I have 2 kids of my own to think about and raise, and she is modeling savage, bratty behavior for them, with no consequences. I believe that the rules/boundaries/expectations should be laid out clearly as they are to be from day ONE, and children will QUICKLY meet them, or spend a heck of a lot of time alone, staring at the wall, thinking about how to make their wrong behavior right for everyone they offended. The teacher in me wants to post a rules/consequences poster on her bedroom door! Only, nothing would get done if she were "sent to the office" anyway...

I know not everyone believes in corporal punishment, but I think it has its place in certain situations. Her behavior strengthens my conviction more and more every day that it is necessary. She's a poster child for what happens when a child who DESPERATELY needed a spanking was NEVER in her life even put in the corner.

If you've ever seen the Twilight Zone movie, and you remember the skit about the wishing kid (the little boy who got everything he ever wished for), THAT is what it feels like to be around her. Like, no one can upset her, or they're in trouble. She does have medical problems, which is a factor in the spoiling, but for a child to look at a parent and say, "I have a disease, you can't make me do that!" is ridiculous, and should have earned a spanking (thus cessation) about 6 or 7 YEARS ago!!!

"Be careful who you have babies with..." --BitchBitchBarbie, 2009

Learning the Ropes's picture

We almost live parallel lives! The double standard is so hard, but if there is any hope in he and I uniting as a parenting team, it lies in therapy, and our therapist is GOOD. If he can't help us find the answer, there is none.

"Be careful who you have babies with..." --BitchBitchBarbie, 2009

Learning the Ropes's picture

OK, so I ordered the Stepmonster book, as well as a book called "StepCoupling", and a couple of Kevin Leman books. And for good measure, some manners books for both the tween girl and 8yo boy. FH wants us to come up with a team-parenting plan, so things look more positive now... (and I have 8 days before she is here for visitation again, so a chance for us to patch up our own junk before we are trying to co-parent her again)

Watching football together tonight, and the overall atmosphere is more positive in general. He even noticed that I seem happier tonight. Thanks everyone, for being here to vent to, it made me feel better. Maybe tonight we can "reconnect" a little, which should do WONDERS for my mood! Wink

"Be careful who you have babies with..." --BitchBitchBarbie, 2009