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i am so tired of being in the middle

Kristen's picture

hi, i am a bio mother of a 6 year old girl and a potential step mother of a almost 2 potential i say because we are talking about marriage in about 6 months but not sure how it is going to turn out. well this is my story.
i have been in a commited relationship which at first we were friends for about 4 years until i realized my feelings for him were more than friendship, at that time he was not (so he claims) involved with his ex whowm just had his son about 7 months prior but she resided with him at his moms house due to her residence being a bad one to raise a child in. He claims that they were not together. so i have my doubts on that one for one. this is when our lives take a huge turn. she (not a very smart one) decides to leave the house in the middle of the night with their child, not letting anyone know where she is going and if she is coming back, she takes some of his clothes and hers and leaves to another part if the state and leaves the front door wide open. my boyfriend was at that time sleeping, when he wakes to find no sign of her and his son, he goes to her grandmothers house no sign of them anywhere. so when he finallty finds out where she is at he goes and gets a lawyer and fights for sole custody, this whole time i am supporting him but since he is in such a state of course things get blamed on me, that when she was living here that i did not let him come home to see his son and spend time with him blah blah blah. this whole year he missed out on all his sons firsts, she did not want to come to a compromise to meet somewhere so he can see the baby. so while in court they decide to meet at a local mall every other weekend so he can spend time with the baby. mind you this is about a year after she disapeared with the baby. now he was almost a year and a half when my fiance got to his son again. so when they decided to meet up at the mall it was a neutral place but he had to go alone, for 5 months every weekend i had to deal with the fact he had to meet up with her, be nice to her, supposedly kiss her behind so she can give him joint custody, the whole time she is bad mouthing me and my child. and i cant and he wont defend me because she does not want to meet me and he feels that if she gets mad then she will take their son away from him forever. i have been involved with my fiance for almost a year and a half, i have been paying out of my pay checks things for their son and i have not been even able to see him wear it. she says that he has to get used to see her and him for a while. i think she has something else in mind. every time i tell him i want to go he gets so mad at me. now that he is getting his cdl lisence he says that he will be on the road a lot and when he comes home he wants to see his son a lot too i dont disagree with him, he should see him as much as he can but when he starts to have personal conversations with her is when i dont like that idea at all. he was even willing to help her get a car. i told him that when we move out are we going to rent her the basement because she seems to know everything that is going on in our lives. about their kid, i dont have any feelings for him at all and i feel bad about that. i mean how can i when i help support him, spent more money on him then on my own child and never get to be in his life because the mother wants to have her family back. i feel so frustrated. i love my fiance with all my heart but i feel that eventually they will end up together. i see pictures of her around the house, i even get to see her clothes in the closet. i know that if i want to be with him i also have to be with her but i feel that i am being pushed aside, that my feelings dont matter i have a headache now lol. what gets me is that he even critizes on how i raise my daughter she does not have her father inher life which is also something i have to deal with on another note. he says that we will never have any children of our own because he does not agree with my parenting skills and that he does not want my genes, he brags about his sons genes which are german because of the witch and he is partially italian. i get so mad with him. i tell him that if he has a better life then go back to her. i need a vacation away i think. lol


Dawn-Moderator's picture

A lot of things would have to change before I would even think of marrying this guy. I mean, oh my, I can't believe that the ex's clothes are still in the closet!!! I think you are going to have to have a long talk with your boyfriend. He is not taking your feelings into consideration at all!

Is he getting custody through the courts or an out of court agreement? Where is he at with that?

Not to mention, what's wrong with your genes?! Wow! I can't believe he would say something like that to you! I would have my feelings hurt!


SympatheticBioDad's picture

Sounds like you need to slow down and take a good long, hard look at the writing on the wall. Do you really want to marry somebody who is so obviously still emotionally attached to his ex-wife and has so little respect for you?

From what you're saying, it sounds like you're in nothing more than a rebound relationship. You should consider how having a relationship with this man is going to affect your own child, not to mention what it's going to put you through.

Ultimately you need to decide if what you have now, and in the foreseeable future, is going to be worth your effort. I promise you, unless your fiancé pulls a 180 and starts respecting you and your relationship with him it's going to take a lot of effort on your part and the returns will be minimal. It takes two for a relationship to work. Sounds like you have a one-sided relationship.

Now, on the other hand, maybe his treatment of you is fueled purely by his fear of losing access to his child (I doubt it). This fear of his can be cured by hiring a good attorney. A good attorney will make sure that he will get his visitation. Maybe even turn the tables on the BM if she did or does anything unlawful. If there is a court order for visitation there isn't a damb thing the BM can do accept go back to court. Of course she can always deny him visitation but this looks really bad to the courts and can be what turns the tables in your fiancé's favor. Again, assuming he has a good attorney and can prove that she denied him visitation.

Somehow I doubt that it's all because of his fear of losing his child. Maybe it's a little of both, but if what you say is accurate, it sounds like you're just a substitute for his ex-wife. I mean look, he keeps her pictures and clothes in the house! How obvious is that?!

Did I miss something? Good luck.

Terryific478's picture

Um, I think it is time to lay the hard fast line...get on with it! I agree he needs an attorney to set some heavy boundry lines. Otherwise, he is just showing a lack of committment. If he doesn't want to committ...bye bye. Plus, I don't have much respect for someone whom is going on the road, then being obcessive about seeing his son...sounds a little fishy to me! As for your child, I would have been seriously pissed. Good parenting parent would give up seeing his son to go on the road and puts money ahead of being there? Ask yourself that question. I will tell you what that is. His angry being misplaced onto you and your child, which, he has no business doing. You are being scapgoated by the both of them. The whole situation sounds weird. I wouldn't bet on this guy...give him the time he needs, typically it takes 10 years after a divorce to adjust to anything, it is an uprooting time and to get married? I don't know, I would wait, give it some distance and see if he can recover/if he goes back. Then again, I'm not you. We stepmoms do know, our kids are always watching.