Since I've made my choice to leave, I've experienced a rollarcoaster of emotions. I go from HATING SBTX, to feeling sorry for him. I pity him yet I am angry at him for not taking responsibility for himself. I am exhausted by these feelings and I just want it all to end.
Unfortunately, I know I won't be gone until end-June (that's when it will be best logically for DD and I) and it seems like 2 years away rather than 2 months. I had a good interview a little over a week ago and haven't heard a thing. The intervierwer told me that the policy is to call either way, so I guess no news is good news, but I just *REALLY* want to know!
SS is like a lump. He's huge for his age but behind academically and I am so tired of riding DH about that so I have stepped back. I've really completely disengaged from him yet I still have to be around him constantly and it's hard. I LOVE it when it's just DD and I at home and as soon as DH or SS get there, I can feel my spirit just fade. I know that the end is near but...it's just hard.
My biggest problem is that BB is still a thorn in my side. After all of my disengaging and rationalizing and finding the ability to see that this life is not for me, I am still not totally out from under the thumb of this bitch's wrath. I am usually able to blow her off, but lately I just want to punch her, mostly because it doesn't matter anymore. I have been biting my tongue for over two years for DH's benefit and now I just want to let it rip on her. Being the bigger person sucks. The other night, when she called to say g'night to SS and accused me of telling him to hang up on her (for the 2348929034 time), i had my cell in hand ready to call her back and flip my shit. Of course, DH is all "Leave my son's mom alone!" Yes, ladies, this man that ahs depended on me for EVERYTHING and still does, this man who bitches at me for being a nag then does what I suggest and tells me how right I was, this man who has put me through HELL, lied to get me to marry him, is now accusing ME of bothering HER because I don't want her calling my house and screaming at my husband about what I DID NOT SAY. DH told me that when she calls, I can fix it by not talking until SS hangs up. In my own house, I can't can't speak if BB calls.
DH is doing this thing now where he flips out at me for trying to offer suggestions on how to fix his many messes, yet a day or two later he calls me at work to detail everything he has done to make things better. I don't get it. Does he want my approval? Does he feel sorry for yelling at me? Is he looking for a pat on the back? I am just exhausted. I have DD, SS, and HIM to take care of. My house is a decent size and I have to do EVERYTHING or else it won't get done. I want to avoid DH and SS's stuff, but I can't live in a mess and I won't let DD live in a mess. I am just emotionally and physically spent.
God, June can't come soon enough.