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Krissy's picture

Since I've made my choice to leave, I've experienced a rollarcoaster of emotions. I go from HATING SBTX, to feeling sorry for him. I pity him yet I am angry at him for not taking responsibility for himself. I am exhausted by these feelings and I just want it all to end.

Unfortunately, I know I won't be gone until end-June (that's when it will be best logically for DD and I) and it seems like 2 years away rather than 2 months. I had a good interview a little over a week ago and haven't heard a thing. The intervierwer told me that the policy is to call either way, so I guess no news is good news, but I just *REALLY* want to know!

SS is like a lump. He's huge for his age but behind academically and I am so tired of riding DH about that so I have stepped back. I've really completely disengaged from him yet I still have to be around him constantly and it's hard. I LOVE it when it's just DD and I at home and as soon as DH or SS get there, I can feel my spirit just fade. I know that the end is near's just hard.

My biggest problem is that BB is still a thorn in my side. After all of my disengaging and rationalizing and finding the ability to see that this life is not for me, I am still not totally out from under the thumb of this bitch's wrath. I am usually able to blow her off, but lately I just want to punch her, mostly because it doesn't matter anymore. I have been biting my tongue for over two years for DH's benefit and now I just want to let it rip on her. Being the bigger person sucks. The other night, when she called to say g'night to SS and accused me of telling him to hang up on her (for the 2348929034 time), i had my cell in hand ready to call her back and flip my shit. Of course, DH is all "Leave my son's mom alone!" Yes, ladies, this man that ahs depended on me for EVERYTHING and still does, this man who bitches at me for being a nag then does what I suggest and tells me how right I was, this man who has put me through HELL, lied to get me to marry him, is now accusing ME of bothering HER because I don't want her calling my house and screaming at my husband about what I DID NOT SAY. DH told me that when she calls, I can fix it by not talking until SS hangs up. In my own house, I can't can't speak if BB calls.

DH is doing this thing now where he flips out at me for trying to offer suggestions on how to fix his many messes, yet a day or two later he calls me at work to detail everything he has done to make things better. I don't get it. Does he want my approval? Does he feel sorry for yelling at me? Is he looking for a pat on the back? I am just exhausted. I have DD, SS, and HIM to take care of. My house is a decent size and I have to do EVERYTHING or else it won't get done. I want to avoid DH and SS's stuff, but I can't live in a mess and I won't let DD live in a mess. I am just emotionally and physically spent.

God, June can't come soon enough.


Hanny's picture

to be still living with both of them and know that you are leaving as soon as you can afford to. I can't imagine doing that. But try to hang in there Krissy and detach detach detach best you can. Just think about you and your DD. You will be soon living on your own. When I left my ex it was like the word had been lifted off my shoulders, and I was responsible for myself and DD and whatever i did I could only blame myself and didn't have to straighten out his messes and the messes he got us into. And you know what, I've been divorced for 8 years now and I am still loving it. My DD was considerably older than your, I waited until she graduated HS and then we left, but she still lived with me during some college years. Before I left probably for the last 5 years together, I would make lists of bills, rent, car insurance, food, etc. trying to figure out HOW I could be on my own. With some help from my Dad, who got me a used car and helped pay deposits on an apartment, we did it..and I will never forget him for helping me. I know it's hard to stay there while you are making plans, but remember this is an important time to make those plans for you and DD.

Good luck. And you know sometimes, it isn't a bad thing after a while to call HR and ask them about the position you interviewed for, just to let them know you are STILL interested. I've worked in HR and we don't mind getting those phone calls after it's been a while.