How do I disengage?
Hey y'all.
From my last post, all suggested disengaging from my step-daughter. How do you manage it? Do I just not say anything when she's been a disrespectful brat to company and SO (typically) says nothing? I don't know how that would necessarily make things better. I see these actions and I instantly become upset with her - by me not saying anything to her over her wrongs, I'm afraid that it'll only get worse. Any stories or ideas on how to make this a smooth-ish process? I've always been such an involved person. Not being involved and disengaging myself is going to be a huge task. Advice from ladies / gentlemen who have done this is appreciated.
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I went back and read your
I went back and read your first blog.
Everyone will have slightly different advice. Here's mine.
First, set your own personal boundaries. No matter the situation is, you always have a right to that.
Second, decide whether the problem that is frustrating you is YOUR problem, or someone else's. If it's someone else's, you have to let them handle it (badly or not at all). That's essentially disengaging.
IMHO, ofc.
It was recommended by another
It was recommended by another individual on here - just downloaded it yesterday. I am enjoying it so far.
Having sucessfully disengaged
Having sucessfully disengaged for 3 years, i can tell you - its not a smooth process. You will re-engage, then disengage again, fall off the wagon, get on it again, but at some point, things will get easier and you will be become a master at it.
My question to myself is always " does the behavior of skids/ BM impact ME personally or does it damage my personal property ? ? If the answer is " no ", i let it go completely over my head and do not care. I simply walk away. If this answer is " YES " i will step in and end the behavior ( which is rare. Hardly anything skid/BM related impacts me directly )
I play the friendly auntie most of the time and refer skids to their father for any needs/complaints they have. I do help out with SOME driving, if it fits my schedule and does not inconvenience me OR DH has an absolut emergency work related. After that, my boundaries set in. I do not cook, do not clean up, do not do skids laundry, i do not buy presents, i do not help nor am i interested in their home work/ sports activities/ social life. That's all DH's job.
And guess what - the less i am interested in them, the better they liked me. Which BM in turn absolutely hates, but then again, i disengaged from the old hag as well. Best of luck.
How did your significant
How did your significant other take it, though? Anytime I've told my husband that I won't deal with any type of parenting with her - he gets upset. Any advice on how to smooth that one over?
I like that question "Does the behavior of skids / BM impact ME personally or does it damage my personal property?". I think that that is a great question to go off of. And now that I think about it - the stuff I try to correct her on would be a "No" answer.
I've tried the friendly auntie role - but I also don't want her thinking that we are "friends" because she takes it too far. I.e. trying to tell me what to do and trying to correct me because she's a know it all. I normally do the household chores - aside from cleaning her room and putting her laundry away - and I do cook. I am a stay at home mom (we have a 7 month old together) & going to school full time - so I just do those things anyway.
I am going to take that question to heart, though. I'm going to start asking myself that before getting involved. Thank you very much!
First of all, pick your
First of all, pick your battles. You won't have everything you want. Some things you will need to just let go.
Set boundaries and make sure they are respected.
Do nothing in regards to the raising of SD. Leave all responsibility to dad.
If SD is rude to guests, go to DH, tell him to handle and walk away. It's hard but you have no reason feel embarrassed or apologize for or explain her bad behavior. It is on her dad and your guests should see that.
I found that the less I said to DH about SD16 the more he saw on his own. Now he didn't always handle it but he realized his princess was not perfect.
I know for a fact that going
I know for a fact that going to DH to address the embarrassment in front of company doesn't work. Didn't for me. They still think their kids are not in the wrong. And you're the wrong one for bringing it to him and addressing the issue. Totally sucks. Try you best, but I jst basically don't talk to my SS, or tell him he needs a shower jor anything. His dad eventually does. But if the kid said something to you, you do have the right to say "don't speak to me that way", and stand up for yourself. And yes, if it's property damage then you have a right to say something. Otherwise ignore the skids the best you can. I'm trying, its still hard cause I feel if I don't say anything, I'm just condoning the behavior or attitude.
This is a problem that I
This is a problem that I have. She'll be a snot, I'll tell my husband - and he'll tell me "She didn't do anything" "You're just causing issues" "No one see's it but you"... When everyone BUT him see's the issue. It does suck, a lot. Unfortunately, I am shut down some times when I tell her she can't speak to me that way ... Husband doesn't see an issue with the way she speaks to / treats people.
I don't want to condone this behavior, at all. Which is why I've always felt the need to say something to SD because no one else does. The only other person who has said something to her is my mother when she was in town for a visit and SD was a complete snob to her (snapping at my mother, rolling her eyes, "yea yea whatever"ing her) - even then, husband didn't think she was doing anything wrong.. Freaking sucks..
Sally, I appreciate the link
Sally, I appreciate the link to the explanation of disengaging and also the comments of others here about how to do this. This is the place I am at now. I have tried now and then to disengage, without really understanding the principles of disengaging before or what the reasons are, or having understood how others did it and why. And I always went back to engaging to try to fix the situation, the kid, to explain to my wife what was going on and what we needed to do to fix it. But now, I am at a place where I can't do anything but disengage and I appreciate the explanation of how and why to do it.
I have been in other abusive or bad situations before and my pattern has always been to speak up to explain to those who are doing wrong about what is wrong and how it needs to be changed, and even to offer suggestions on how to make things better (these situations were an abusive church organization, two different relationships with girlfriends and more recently, an employer). In all cases, I was told I was the bad guy and causing problems by talking about these things. In all these cases I came to a conclusion that I needed to leave. And now that I look at it, between speaking up, finding out that trying to change the situation was futile, I went through a period of disengagement before leaving.
This period of disengagement will either make it livable enough to stay, or it is just a very recognizable step to the door. I am coming to understand now that DW may be allowing SS14 to stay on after college if he can't find his way in this world, so even that hope of release from the dungeon is fading fast.