Breaking up is really hard
I just broke up with my boyfriend today and I know it was probably the right thing to do but I feel awful. I've been trying to do it for months but, I kept putting it off because I've invested three years of my time so I wanted it to work.
The issue that finally caused me to snap was that I hate the dynamic between my ex boyfriend and the mother of his two smaller children. For anyone who is new... She is the bi-polar one who lived with us for several months when she had no where to go.
Since reading this forum I realized that I am not okay with their frequent few times a week conversations regarding their children and some other things they do such as:
- my ex asking her to babysit his other children ... twice so far when had to work a weekend day because I had plans and also I didn't really want to.
- He has asked her to register his car in her name because of a parking violation ticket issue (again because I refused to do this and enable the irresponsibility)
- Allowing her to be alone in his apartment to homeschool their children while he is at work
- Telling her what she should and shouldn't do with the kids. For example: I don't want the kids to eat that why are you feeding them blah blah blah
Now, the issue today was that the 7 year old daughter wanted to see my ex for a little today. Today isn't his day and I was there... And we were trying to talk about our very serious issues. The mother basically puts him on the spot so he says yes she can come. ( This already pisses me off) I let it go. So , I say to him uhh she doesn't plan on hanging out here right? Meaning the mother.. he said " no I wouldn't do that I know it's uncomfortable for you.. but I wouldn't mind if you weren't here. I think that it's good for the kids to see their parents together and sometimes they want to talk to both their parents at the same time".
I honestly didn't know what to say. I thought that was absolutely absurd. I told him that I'm uncomfortable with them being alone like that. I think it sends the wrong message and it crosses my boundaries. I'm not unreasonable. I understand being together for a birthday party, graduation, weddings, events of some sort etc. I cannot accept hanging out in your house for a little while together because it's good for the kids..makes no sense and I think it's unhealthy. He told me I don't live with him so it's his home. While that is true I was in a committed relationship with him and I think that is disrespectful. Also, back in the early days of dating she showed up in no underwear at his apartment during one of her manic episodes so my feelings are completely valid as far as I'm concerned. He acknowledges how messed up that was but says she is no longer in that place mentally. ( True) however, due to her unstable nature I don't really care and that is my line in the Sand.
Anyway I guess I'm just sad but it had to be done because he could not accept that them being alone together occasionally was not okay with me.
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Comments
Congrats
You were completely justified in ending this relationship. Good for you for standing up for yourself and for what you deserve! I'm not sure I'd have put up with half of this craziness. No man is worth all of that.
I'm sorry. It does hurt but
I'm sorry. It does hurt but so does putting up with years of disrespect and your feelings not being a matter of concern for him. Boundaries with exes are important, especially when there's a current partner on the scene.
It's good for the kids? What's good for the kids didn't seem to matter when they split up so......
Exactly how I felt. I even
Exactly how I felt. I even said to him, you know if this is so important to you maybe you can try therapy and get back together.
Long overdue
I just read some of your past posts. Even if he and his ex had a normal dynamic (they don't) and he was a great guy (I don't think so), there is just no world in which a man with six minor kids by multiple women can be a good partner to ANYONE... let alone someone who is child-free.
Nope. No way. Alone is preferable to that mess.
AND, all living in a tiny
AND, all living in a tiny apartment in NYC.
OP, there are lots of men in NYC with far less baggage than this dude. You deserve so much better.
Oh god no. I didn't live
Oh god no. I didn't live there! No way. I lived with him in the past. Also, he's the NCP. Not that that fact makes this situation tolerable but, the kids are there EOWE and some breaks. There is no way they could all live there. What a circus that would be.
I'm sorry you are hurting,
I'm sorry you are hurting, but I am so happy for your well being and future that you ended that relationship.
Yes, it's very hard. But it
Yes, it's very hard. But it'll be less painful with time, and from everything you've posted, I have no doubt that you've done the right thing. Be good to yourself and stay strong - now that you've worked your way up to dumping this guy, stay away from him. He is not good for you; don't waste any more of your time on him.
Wooo Hooo!!!
I am SOOO glad you finally extracted yourself from that three ring circus! Many of the longtimers here have been hoping you would wise up and move on to something healthy.
You accepted a lot of nonsense that would have had most other women running screaming for the door. Now, you've made room for good stuff to enter your life.
Your ex will most likely try to suck you back into the dysfunction. Please cut all contact ASAP so you can move forward to an awesome, crazy-free life!
{{{Hugs.}}}
Way to stand up for your boundaries. BM hanging out would be a deal breaker for me too. Find a childless man.
Congratulations! You did the
Congratulations! You did the right thing!
Just don't let him weasel himself back into your life. Chances are he will say things like "the kids miss you" or "can we just talk, I miss my best friend" -- the answer should always be no. He misses his doormat. He misses his money because now he has to do it on his own. He misses the live in sex. If he actually appreciated you, he never would have put you in any of those positions.
It is best to make a clean cut and move on. Block his number and don't even go there.
He already started in with I
He already started in with I lost my best friend.... Luckily he never expected me to pay for a thing and I never did even when I lived there 1.5 years ago so he didn't lose out on any money. I stopped babysitting last year too so the only thing he's losing is his romantic relationship.
Breakups are always hard! I
Breakups are always hard! I mean heck, it was hard to breakup with my STBX (very soon, this week soon) and he cheated on me and was emotionally abusive and had a crazy ex. Like I completely get it! So I'm sorry! But...
GOOD. FOR. YOU. I think based on your own comfort, you never owuld have been completely happy, it sounds like he was asking for TOO MUCH compromise, and is still enmeshed with his ex. So i'm happy for the potential for a good future for you!!!
I haven't read any of your
I haven't read any of your previous blogs that I can remember but holy hell! Just this one makes me want to run for you! I am glad you broke up with this man. Please stick with it and stay strong. You DESERVE so much more!