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Kirby's picture

DH's mom got remarried this weekend and I was the maid of honor. It was really great except that BM came :(. She invited her because she didn't know who would have SS that weekend and he was the ring bearer. I played nice I always do and will continue to do so unless I completely break Wink but if that happens I'll end of in jail for life and won't really have anything left to worry about. I just think it's shitty for her to come. This was not her sons day, yes he played a part but it was DH's families day and mine. Our family. They were never married, I feel like I serseve to be able to say this is my family and not have to see her at these things. Now she is in the pictures and videos since for whatever reason she sat right up next to me and his sister. Blah, I hate it.


Disneyfan's picture

It was the bride and groom's day, not yours or the rest of the family.

The bride wanted to invite her grandson's mother, so she did. If the bride did not want BM in her video and pictures, she would have made that crystal clear.

Kirby's picture

DH's mom invited her because she thought it was her custody weekend. I did say that in the post. I know it as their day that why I'm on a stepparenting website talking about it in stead of making it about me on that day. I had a good time I helped out with as much as I could and I was very polite as always. I also got to hear from the bride how awful BM is several times, so don't tell me the bride wanted her there. I think I have every right to be slightly annoyed and upset and express those emotions here.

Disneyfan's picture

Sometimes people say what they think the listener wants/needs to hear.

Keep reading the blogs here. I will find plenty of posts about inlaws who talk crap about BMs, but continue to interact with/invite them to family events.

MIL could have asked mom to pick the kid up from the venue at a set time.

Paying for BM to attend her wedding doesn't jive with the way she speaks about her to you.

It's possible that she actually likes the woman.

Kirby's picture

It was DH'S weekend, SS left with us. You do kow the situation better than me they are great friends, lots of love and she had every right to be there. I apologize for having emotions and expressing them in a safe place.

queensway's picture

Your BM invited herself to the wedding. She must be a bold person and doesn't care about what people think about her. That's a shame she got away with this. And the nerve to sit next to you. :jawdrop: Sounds like you handled things well.

Kirby's picture

She came right up and grabbed the seat next to my SIL (bridesmaid) and started chatting during the ceremony. Thank god my MIL wanted to do a pre wedding shot Wink I know I'm not perfect I know this is a hard situation. I'm always trying to be better, to grow and put others first but I'm allowed to feel how I feel also and this upset me. It will pass.

queensway's picture

This to shall pass. You are right. If she had a ounce of class she would have stayed home. That is what I meant that she invited herself. She is not part of the family. You did the right thing. And you are better prepared if this type of thing happens again.

Cutter's picture

I bet she thought she was wanted there since her baby daddy mom invited her. Did anyone tell her she was only invited to get her son there? Was it her weekend or was it dads?

Kirby's picture

Dad's weekend. I know she thought it would ok (ish) because of that. But also they are at each other's throats right now fighting about other issues and I personally think if she's taken a step back SHE would've realized it is the bride and grooms day. It should be their family and the fact that her son is a ringbeaerer only means she should want to see pictures not be there is person. But as with every decision she makes it is her first and foremost.

Cutter's picture

Maybe she really thought they loved her so much they wanted her there. Some people aren't self aware at all.

secret's picture

My mom always asks me whose weekend it is when she wants the kids to do something for/with her. If it's dad's, I let him know of my mom's request, he decides, and I get back to my mom. Same with his parents... if they want something on my time, ex and I talk about it, I decide, and he goes back to his parents.

Sometimes it's yes, others it's no... but generally a no is because there's something else going on, it's not usually a no "just because".

SS will be ring-bearer at our wedding. I'm sure that once she finds out all this went down, she will demand to see pictures.

I have made it crystal clear to SO that I expect him to avoid sending BM pics of anything related to us, our home life, wedding, whatever we do with SS - including christmas, birthdays, a trip to the park... These are OUR memories, they're SS's memories, and I'll be d@mned if BM's going to get to enjoy our moments in any way. I use Creative Memories stuff... so I have an album started for SS, to give to him when he's a bit older. He can bring it to BM's to show her if he likes, once it's his... but for now, she can suck it.

Maybe it's petty - I don't care. Dirol

queensway's picture

Secret some BM's can't let go. My husband's ex was always around when I came into the picture. I hated it. I found the whole thing very strange because they were divorced. I was divorced too and my ex was not hanging out with my family. You are not being petty. Keep your BM away from your relationship with SO. And don't share pictures that will make her feel like she is still in his life because of his kids.

secret's picture

thanks - SO used to think it was petty... until he realized he was treating her as part of HIS family instead of as part of SS's family.

BM is an ex - she deserves nothing more than any other ex, whether she's SS's mom or not. She's the mom - but she doesn't get that time, those memories, or the enjoyment that come from any of it. If she wanted to be there 100% of the time, she shouldn't have been such a tit to SO, and maybe she'd still have her hooks in him. She only gets that which she initiates... if she has no documented memories of her and SS doing things... maybe she should start doing things.

She doesn't deserve any consideration above and beyond basic information about SS's welfare when it comes to health and education - she's just the mom, and mom is not more important than dad.

Stalk's picture

FYI, I don't know to many bms who get enjoyment from her exs and his new girlfriends memories. I'm sure she just smiles and nods when the kid goes on because that is what adults do. Lord knows I don't get any enjoyment when I am forced to look at pictures and hear stories about the kids other home/life. Bm used to have your attitude when it came to memories, thinking I wanted in on that. She quickly realized when the tables were turned, how truly boring those memories are for those not actively involved in the activities.

Just J's picture

Ugh, how crappy. I really don't understand why these BMs even want to hang out with their ex's family. I'd feel like such a loser clinging on to the past like that. BM brings her current DH to my DH's family events, and I always think how he must have no pride in himself that he would allow himself to be dragged to his wife's ex husband's nephew's going away party and other obscure events they have no business attending. it's really dumb but I just laugh at them because they obviously have no life, same as your BM.

Kirby's picture

Wooow, i cant imagine. Im sorry you have to deal with that and impressed. I understand wanting to have good relationships with family any type, but for f@#$s sake boundaries and respect! Hoover parenting and clinging to things that aren't there help no one.

ESMOD's picture

Ugh... I would not have wanted to be anywhere my DH's EX was going to be. Unfortunately, sometimes the inlaws will still feel obligated to involve an EX in things like this because they feel like that person is a gatekeeper to their grandkids. Or, they have decades of possible history (like my inlaws do with my DH's brother's EX)

If it's only these very occasional times, I think the best revenge is to be quite pleasant and make yourself appear to be the bigger person. Any drama that is started then makes the ex look like the petty one. No one says you have to sit with And definitely no reason she has to be in every picture with you.

twoviewpoints's picture

Meh, the woman made you her maid of honor. I think it safe to say MIL thinks highly of you and values your relationship with her.

Yeah, BM wiggled her way in, but it was at an invitation (truly wanted to invite or not). I really wouldn't be surprised if MIL had went along and invited the BM regardless of whose weekend it was. With the little one being ring bearer and you maid of honor, it gave SS someone to be tended the kiddo in case. Sure, his Dad could mind his own kid, but this way Dad didn't have to worry about the child during Dad's mother's wedding.

My oldest daughter was a Jr Bride's maid at age seven for my cousin. My niece was almost three and the flower girl. My daughter barfed. My niece saw and did an encore performance. I know, right? EEEEWWWWWWW.

As long as BM behaved , kept her mouth polite and civil and didn't do something silly like stand in front of you when pics were taken, it was harmless enough. Annoying, yes. Unnecessary? Likely so.

Have a good rant over it and move on. You went your MIL to have good happy memories from this special event. Besides, I'm sure you looked beautiful all dressed up with hair, face and nail done and out shined BM in any photos/videos she managed to barge her rump into.

Kirby's picture

Venting is so much the key to moving on. I totally acknowledge that. Also the word rump made my day, lol!