BM Wants to go to the funeral.
As most of you would know, BF grandmother passed away yesterday morning. We were told that the funeral is Friday which sort of put a spanner in the works as this weekend is our weekend with skids and BF is supposed to pick up the skids from school Friday afternoon and drop off to BM Sunday evening. Seeing that the funeral is 3 hours away from where we live I have already organised SS13 who lives with us full time to go to a friends house Thursday evening for the night and to drop him off at school in the morning and another friend to pick up all 3 of the skids Friday after school and look after them until we got home.
BM saw the death notice in the paper this morning and called BF to say that she wanted to go to the funeral. She said that if BF couldn’t find someone to pick up the skids that she will have to and miss out on the funeral. BF told her that he would speak to me about it and let her know. BF told me that it’s up to me, if I feel uncomfortable with her there then he will tell her not to come. So BF has left it up to me to decide.
The reason why we haven’t asked BM to pick up the kids on Friday after school for us is because she has been very difficult lately by not wanting to stick to the visitation roster. Last weekend was her weekend and she is supposed to drop SS13 off at school Monday morning seeing that she doesn’t see the kids until about 9.30pm on a Friday night on our off weekend. So to cut a long story short she called Sunday afternoon and we had to pick up SS13 because she couldn’t handle him. So guess who took SS13 to school on his first day for the new year, that’s right ME.
What do I do? Get BM to look after the skids so she can’t go to the funeral or let her go so she can see me sitting at the front of the church with BF and all his family?
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What's with these BM's?
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
When my ex H's father died, not long after we divorced, I did not go to the funeral. I didn't feel like putting the ex, or his new wife in the positon of seeing me (we hadn't been divorced long, and they were recently married).
I just didn't go because I saw no point-FIL was gone-it wasn't going to upset him that I wasn't there! The only reason I would've gone would've been for my sons, but, again, the antagonisim it would have created would've made it worse, not better for them.
Go with what's in your gut, Dani. You have good instincts, like I said before. And I'm glad your BF told her he had to talk to you about it.
Thanks BW.
BF has been really good about all this even though it's his grandmother that's gone, but it's nice to know that's it's me he wants there by his side and not BM.
I was thinking of being the bigger person and getting BF to tell her that the skids are organised so if she want to go to the funeral it's up to her, but I can't help thinking there may be more to it. The funeral is 3 hours away not 5 min from her house so I don't understand why she wants to make so much of an effort to make an appreance :?.
Some of these women seem to live their lives just to remind
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
everyone they were once with their ex. I can't understand it either. My poor little brain just won't go there. THANK GOODNESS
I think she's just trying to assert her....
"rights" as part of the family. Unless, she and the grandmother were extra close. ..I could see our BM doing the same thing...I tell ya, we could do profiling from these common behavior patterns...
First My condolences, I
First My condolences,
I dont think that this is a place for an ex wife, this is for family and friends,
Her intentions may be good, or not, but it might make someone in the family feel uncomfortable,
I also agree she does not need to show her face to remind everyone of the ex.
He is your BF, you can sit next to him and she does not need to be inthe back row.
Tell her if she wants to give respect to the grandmother and family, please send flowers or a donation to a charity, the family would appreciate that.
I agree with
BorBor... Just ask her to send flowers, her presence is not necessary. My mom always told me funerals were for the living, not the dead. So, the gma won't even know she's there.....
DH and I just went through this
BM came to DH's grandmother's funeral. My first reaction was that it was inappropriate, why couldn't she just send flowers. After all, when my ex's grandparents passed, I sent lovely potted plants to their funerals from the kids and I. Then I thought about it and realized that I've been married to this man for like 2 months and he and BM were together for like 10 years. I was there to support my husband, she was there to pay her respects. I saw no reason to be threatened. It's still not the decision I would have made for a grandparent, but just because I wouldn't do it that way doesn't make me right (or so I've been told!).
Although, I'm with you Vickmeister, if it were either of my former in-laws about whom I care deeply and with whom I still have a great relationship, I would probably go and sit unobtrusively in the back.
Just stick to your original plan, if she choses to go then take the high road and be glad that she paid her respects. My thought is though, if she offered to watch the kids, then she doesn't really even want to go, she either is just trying to stir up trouble, or didn't know what her place was and needed an excuse not to go.
Dont agree
Funerals are for the living, and no matter what relationship ex had with previous in laws, there will always be someone in the family that will not appreciate ex showing up as a sign of respect. Send Flowers
Divorces effect all memebrs of the family including extented, and if you really loved your in laws, you would not upset anyone in their family at their funeral. Dont think that brothers and sisters and all those involved will appreciate ex showing up. This is their mourning period not hers.
I agree
for her just to send flowers or what not and her being there might make other people uncomfortable because she is the ex and you are his wife.Also so there is no tension it is not a place for that to be happening.
I wouldn't want BM there either
but in my case even after 16 years she has MADE herself a part of FHs family and they feel she is WELCOME at any event. Even a funeral. She feels she is family and my own FILs wouldn't even argue. They even said the same to my FH!!! Well what if something happened to dad what BM CANT COME TO THE FUNERAL!!! I would stick with the original plan. Sometimes you just can win for trying...
It all depends on
why the couple broke up,I think.
we broke up because my ex was` addicted to drugs, and me, the kids and his whole family was affected, I actually gave his ullagy at his funeral (and we were divorced before he died)
my husbands Ex cheated,lied,and took the kid and moved half away across the country
didn't say good bye to any of the inlaws or kept in touch. to all of a sudden to see her at a funeral (I think) would just make everyone uncomfortable, had she stayed in touch with everyone(thank god she didn't)yes,or if my husband crapped on her maybe, but I don't want to see her anywhere near my in laws when they pass. she can send a card,she gave up that spot.