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Stepmother's "Bill of Rights" What do you all think?

katielee's picture

Submitted by katielee on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 4:08pm

I know some of you have probably seen this before, but I was wondering what you think of it, especially #5?

A STEPMOTHER'S BILL OF RIGHTS

1. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

2. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

3. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

4. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

5. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

6. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

7. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

8. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

9. I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

10. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

Comments

itsmylifetoo's picture

Submitted by itsmylifetoo on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 4:27pm

You ladies give me all types of amazing things to print and keep me sane...thank you all so much for that!!! Another print it, post it on my wall:)

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 4:35pm

If I weren't already married I'd have to make DH sign to those agreements before committing to him. Never again will I remarry to another who already has kids.

itsmylifetoo's picture

Submitted by itsmylifetoo on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 5:57pm

HA! It's so funny that you said that...I was legitimately entertaining the idea of making him sign it/something like it before we tie the knot...It's like a prenup of sorts..."this is what I expect"..."you signed this bitch!!! Make it work love!" lol!

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 5:50pm

I know people like to play Devil's Advocate on here, but, HRNYC, this isn't a site for biokids and "kids of our own." It's a site for step-parents who are getting walked all over by their skids.

lac925's picture

Submitted by lac925 on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 7:37pm

"uh, some SMs do have their own kids."

I-m so happy All the more reason to enforce rule #5!

I have 2 skids and 2 biokids (with my DH). My skids are horrendous when it comes to manners, respect, and basically acting like HUMANS. My 2 sons are still quite young (6 and 2) and are very impressionable. If my skids were to live with us F/T, we would have to "reprogram" them as BM has done a piss poor job of doing it herself! All she cares about is the monthly cheques :O

If anything, if the skids were to come live with us permanently, there would have to be VERY strict ground rules - and not just for the skids, but for our sons, too. However, the rules would be harder to follow for the skids as they're not used to being told what to do... :?

IslandGal's picture

Submitted by IslandGal on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 8:31pm

Geez HRNYC - is your life so damned boring that you need to come on here just to stab and poke your ridiculous petty comments at others?

Seriously - quit tryin to get a rise out of people - your comments are like someone trying to ignite fires.

Hey peeps - lets all petition admin on this site to block HRYNC - she is nothing but a troublemaker here.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 6:03pm

I guess you are talking about 5.?

I don't think it is unreasonable to be consulted about those issues.

I DO actually expect to have a say - at this stage that doesn't happen. I just get a text saying WE are having skids blah blah blah - on his and BM's schedule.'

That is NOT always ok for me - so yes I expect to be consulted.

And if one of them were to want to move in with us? You bet your damn life I WILL be having a say in that - and YES three of mine DO live here f/t. Which was discussed with OH prior to us moving in together - works both ways as I see it.

And the difference would be MY kids HAVE expectations and responsibilities and I can tell them what to do and what not to do. They eat the meal put in front of them (won't say they don't moan about it but they don't get special treatment and meals just for them) no-one waits on my kids hand and foot. So, yes if anyone was to want to move one (or heaven forbid both) of the skids in here there WILL be discussion beforehand and rules/boundaries set.

Not unreasonable in the slightest.

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 9:14pm

I agree with you for all of the reasons you listed, I woukd add, after reading some horror stories on here, in cases where skids are dangerous or other simikar factors it would be absolutely ridiculous for the step parent not to have a say.

PetStr's picture

Submitted by PetStr on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 6:31pm

^^^^THIS^^^^^ can someone tell me if I can block HRNYC? Because frankly, I'm sick of the crap she/he/it (who the fuck knows) causes...

itsmylifetoo's picture

Submitted by itsmylifetoo on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 8:03pm

Im bio of 3 step to 2, ABSOLUTELY, these rules go both ways in my mind. I dont make choices that effect my SO without consulting him and he is expected to do the same. If I am truly invested in spending my life with someone, the family centers around my love and myself...I need us to be team and put each other first, nothing else will fall into place or work if we are fighting all of time. Our all around kid schedule is based on co and our joint decision.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 6:07pm

I agree about number 3 too. BM and my ex are NOT family of any sort, and I would include children of either party in that as well - they do not make plans for me - sd tries to make all the plans for the entire weekend they are here - "dadddyyyyyy I miiiiiissss my friends, I want 2 to sleep over Saturday night, and on Saturday morning you need to take me to the library, and on Sunday I neeeed to go to such and such"

Ummmm no way missy, you do not make the plans for this family....

Stupidlyoptimistic's picture

Submitted by Stupidlyoptimistic on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 9:12pm

My family works the exact same way, all the way down to chores. All I have to do is ask, though, and I have help. I consider myself a very lucky girl. Smile DH and I talked about everything before we moved in together and got married. I think that was a huge help for us.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 6:10pm

Instead of nitpicking the OP, simply use your imaginations and exchange stepparent for stepmother.

Easy peasy and no one comes off sounding like a complete bitch about things. Smile

katielee's picture

Submitted by katielee on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 7:49pm

#5 is the only one I am really questioning whether or not it is reasonable. It is also the one I've been having problems with lately. My SD12 tends to get bored at her mom's house and want to come over whether it's her weekend or not. And my DH seems to think she should be able to show up anytime she wants. It is hard for me to say anything because my DD20 now lives with us. But as someone else pointed out, my DD is a grown woman, she is very respectful of my DH and they get along really well, and she is a huge help with housework and cooking, etc. SD12, on the other hand, spends her time here with a long, pouty face unless she is the center of her dad's attention, she bugs my pets (they all hate her), makes messes, eats up all the chips and candy, and is just generally unpleasant to be around. I don't think SD12 should be treated the same as DD20 since there is such a difference in the way the behave. I just don't know whether to push this with DH. At this point, however, I feel like a bratty, manipulative 12 year old can change my weekend plans at her whim, and that is not working for me.

onebanana's picture

Submitted by onebanana on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 8:06am

1. I don't think you get to choose your husband's priority. It's not a right that you have. It is how it is best for you to be, but it hardly qualifies as something that is a right and has to be. Different people have different opinions about this.

2. Well absolutely. But do you consider your skids family and do they consider you family?

3. What exactly qualifies as something that affects your life? Pissing you off doesn't.

4. Absolutely.

5. Do you consult your husband about your kids coming?
If you do, then sure. If no, why would you even expect that?

6. Of course. Why would one person be responsible for all housework? That's ridiculous. If all adults work and all children go to school, the chores should be distributed fairly.

7. If it's your money. If you have separate finances, why would you be?

8. Of course. Taking your possesions would be stealing and that's never alright.

9. And again, this depends on your definition of being treated as an outsider. Sometimes you will feel that way and it simply can't be changed because tehnically they'll do nothing wrong.

10. No one must treat anyone with respect. Respect is a deep feeling of admiration. Saying they must respect you is the same as saying they have to love you.
Your stepkids must treat you with civilty, communicate with you politely.
Respect is a completely different thing and even when you deserve it, you simply can't force it.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 8:48am

^^^YES^^^

all the controversy w/ #5 - it says "consulted", does not say sm gets to decide. i'd be pissed if DH didnt at least consult with me. that has happened in the past and he was called out on it ever time. it's common courtesy to consult with your OTHER HALF.

i like every point on this list - thanks OP!