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I went away for the weekend and our home fell apart

kathleen's picture

I'm so glad I wasn't home. Im sure it is better this way. I left my daughter with my husband on his weekend with his two kids. Background. SKids pretty hostile towards my 2 year old, their half sister. Apparently they were being rude to her. She fell down the stairs and they wouldn't help her. She went to them with her arms out and they ignored her. My husband decided that until they treated "all" people, including their little sister, with kindness and respect, they would lose priviledges.

So, off went their door, So they barracaded the entry. The story goes on. I wasn't there but I heard the horrible details, down to the girl, almost 13, holding her brother back, so that he would not do what my husband told them to do. DH said he just couldn't take it anymore and told them to get a ride home. He's never done that. He was crying too, which I have not seen. He is a broken man when it comes to these kids. I don't get it.

Now, what happens. It doesn't appear that they will come back. Why should they? They don't want to and it is sooooo hard on us. What does this mean? Should we say they are welcome anytime at our home as long as they are respectful, and just wait until they come around, if ever? Do we enfore the visitation schedule and continue in counselling and suffer every Thursday and every other weekend?

This is devestating. I worry about my husband and the feelings of loss. I worry about the impact on his kids, although it appears the damage is already done. And I worry about us.

My husband seemed happy today when I called. He and our two year old went to an Oktober Festival with another family and played all day. Today they went to church and are now canoeing. They are both relaxed and happy. I feel guilty that I want only this life and not the drama and anger with the other kids.

Thoughts, ideas. I'm again, at a loss.


laurels4u's picture

So sorry to hear of your situation with your family. I can only imagine how awful your husband must have felt to actually have his children leave but you have to remember, they do not have the right to harm other people in your home and quite clearly, they were negligent in doing just that when your 2 y.o. needed their help.

If I were you, I'd wait and see what happens this upcoming week before words are said about enforcing a visitation schedule. I (personally) wouldn't tell them they are welcome anytime in your home since they aren't able to be respectful or empathetic towards others' feelings.

I certainly haven't read any other posts of yours and don't know how long this has been going on, but IMHO, maybe it's time you that you all take a break from one another and try again only when the children make some progress in counseling.

I would address this weekend with your husband only once, say what you both have to say, come to some sort of agreement on where to go from here, then put it to rest. Enjoy each other and your daughter. She deserves to be happy with two happy parents.

Keep us posted and good luck.

Candice's picture

my dh and I are in the same boat. We have a child who is 2.5 and his son is 13. Problem is his son is highly ill mannered, exceptionally disrespectful, and is very defiant. He argues with us about literally everything, even washing his hands after going to the bathroom. His son is so rude and condescending, that I just can't believe this is "typical" 13 year old behavior, but rather just plain piss poor parenting.

My ss lived with us at age 11 b/c his mother left him alone at home one night to go party. Long story short, we have rules and he had a problem with that. BM can't decide on anything, and when she does, it's all about convenience, not what is in the best interest of her children.

What we have done is let ss move back in with his mother, we don't enforce visitations, we can't call b/c she's moved 3 or 4 times since March, and of coure refuses to keep us updated on a phone number, and we have just decided to live our lives the best way we can. SS does not want to come over here, and I believe he doesn't b/c all of his life he has heard his mother demonize us, so liking us betrays her. When we do try to do fun things with him, he makes it the event a nightmare instead of a vacation, and poo poos every nice thing we do for him. So, we move on with our bad selves.

My dh and I can lay our heads down at night and sleep b/c we seriously tried our best, and continuously trying to help raise that poor kid is a real test of our marriage and sanity. Since we do not have a bm that is stable and continously working with us to help promote a loving relationship between ss and our side of the fam, we let bm have what she wants, and that is a hateful child. One day, he will grow up and read the handwriting on the wall and know why his dad did what he did.

We have no regrets in our decision to discontinue visitations. If ss wanted to come over for a visit, or see his dad, he knows the number. He is 13, and he doesn't call his dad ever, and he lives within 15 miles of our house. I personally don't believe that my dh was suppose to wait for 18 years until his son became an adult before he moved on with his life.

Remember this: your marriage comes first, then your children. Do the best you can to deal with the situation. That is all you can do.

Good luck,

stamina's picture

His expectations weren't unrealistic. As hard as it is for all of you at this point, he did do an incredible job in helping the older children to realize that there are consequences to behaviour. He should be commended for taking a stand. My husband would not have done this and our relationship suffered as a result.

It is nice to hear that you have some peace.

kathleen's picture

My husband has not heard word boo from BM over this weekend. Not sure why. He feels that she is trying to sabotage his relationship with his kids. It's hard to understand all of this but it appears that in the most subtle ways she leads the kids to believe that she is the only parent worth their time. That explains thier behavior. Anyway, he is meeting with the kids counsellor tomorrow and hopefully he will have some insights to help us out. My hope is that the counselor will encourage the BM to actually coparent. Maybe just explain how it is suppose to be done. We'll see.