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Approaching a father about his "princess".

k1783's picture

I wrote before about my 12sd pulling the switch on me. that is, she talks in a princess voice like a four year old when we are with everyone, is polite and is waited on to the point where she is so spoiled, but as soon as it is just her and i she switches to a sassy, rude evil sd. she has thrown things at me, gives me huge attitude, and has looked me in the eyes and said some of the rudest things to me (my favorites would include comments that insult my family, out of the blue saying 'youre NOT pretty', and after she hit ME telling her dad that i hit HER). Oh, and then when we are back in front of people she will make the 'kissy face' (bear in mind she is 12, not 4) and stick it right in my face - like 2 inches from my face - and say 'love ya'. that litle game will go on for awhile and if i dont feel like bending down and kissing the mouth that just told me some of the rudest things she says "you dont wanna kiss me???" in her 4 year old voice and her eyes turn into the sad puppy dog eyes and i am the bad guy again. i just feel like screaming - get out of my face!

her dad doesnt get to see her all the time and i dont tell him about every little thing that happens. i dont want to drive any kind of wedge between them and dont want to appear to be nagging about every little thing or come across as the evil stepmom - but they dont see this other side of her and i can feel my temper building up and am ready to pull my hair out!

he gets very defensive when it comes to her. how best to approach the subject so that he will listen and not just defend defend defend??

please help! i am going crazy!!

Comments

evilsm's picture

My suggestion is to take care of this yourself, partially at least. You are abviously dealing with this child when others are not around, therefore you are responsible for her and her behavior. I would use that as an opportunity to take the bull by the horns, demand respect from her and do not tolerate her putting her hands on you at all. This is totatlly unacceptable and you should insist that your DH address that issue, what happens when this kids turns 18 and decides to lay you out? Nip it in the bud now. Good luck with this, it will not be easy, my DH is very defensive about his little angel too and we have had many disagreements about her behavior but he will back me 100% when it comes to respect. No easy way to approach him about it but maybe if you start handling some things yourself he will catch on. Sorry you are having this trouble but don't wait any longer before you start dealing with it directly. Welcome by the way! Wink

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

frazzled07's picture

Set up a tape recorder in your purse or around your house so atleast your DH can hear some of the things on different days and so it's not your word against SD's.

BuggiesMom's picture

hide a camcorder in a plant, a basket of laundry; whatever and angle it precisely....

The look on both of their faces will be priceless when you break out the "home movie!"

It worked for me once on a babysitter that I thought was stealing from me......

Just a thought!

BuggiesMom's picture

hide a camcorder in a plant, a basket of laundry; whatever and angle it precisely....

The look on both of their faces will be priceless when you break out the "home movie!"

It worked for me once on a babysitter that I thought was stealing from me......

Just a thought!

OldTimer's picture

You are going to have to take the bull by the horns, and dish it back to her- on her level. See how she responds to chores when she's sassy, no tv, no games, no computers, whatever she likes, taketh aways...

I think the camera is a good idea. I'd try it. One thing you have to remember is how you approach your DH about his little angel. See, you have to be careful whenever you bring something critical of your SD to DH. The first thought in their mind is you're being critical, not trying to be constructive, or bringing a constructive conversation to them. They don't want to have their child's faults brought to them.

There was a time that I realized that I can not always run to my DH to 'handle' it. That was setting me up for failure in the future as a parental figure in my own home. So, instead of running to DH to handle it, you know what... SS is in my care during the day, no one else is... so I took the bull by the horns. I made him accountable for his own actions. I made him do chores, and yes, sometimes I literally had to stand over him and make him do it, we just sat there... but I've got all the time in the world kid! LOL. I unplugged TV, radios, computers, you name it. I got his attention.

The other thing that I did was sat down with him on several occasions. I told him point blank one day that it was rude, disrespectful, and unacceptable. He may not like me, he doesn't HAVE to like me, but I am his stepmother regardless of what ANYONE says, period. Whether he likes it or not, I love him and I would NEVER do or say such things to anyone else, so why is it fair or okay for him to speak to me in such away? What gives him the right too? WHO gives him the permission too? How would he like it if I did this to him? How would he feel?

Today, I don't have much problem. Every once in a great while, we have a bump in the road, but it usually gets solved pretty quick and easily now. He really is a good kid and instead of talking to DH, most of the time, I just sit with SS and ask him point blank, why he said this, or that, or did this or that, and we usually get things aired out.

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

k1783's picture

thanks for all advice!! we are all going away this weekend for a little vacation, so i will definitely try it out. i definitely want to get what is acceptable and what is not before the teenage era. wish me luck.....:)

Anonymous's picture

I've gone through the same thing...my boyfriend's daughter is the "princess" and everyone else (his three boys and myself) are the second class citizens. I started dating him when she was 10, and she's almost 16 now. It's just gotten worse. We briefly talked about moving in together, but his daughter basically put a stop to that. It gets worse once they hit puberty. She is always in low-cut tank tops several sizes too small with push up bras, and will even stick her chest in my boyfriend's face. He claims she has to dress the way she does because all the girls do. I've gotten to the point where I just stay out of everything, because I'm never right, and she's never wrong. If his kids are around, I just stay away. She's now managed to manipulate her brothers into not speaking to me and doing the whole "ignoring" routine. Of course, her father doesn't see any of this. Honestly, he's in such denial that if I ever caught anything on video tape, he would just come to her defense saying she's a child, etc., etc., and it would all end up being my fault.

Justsmile320's picture

I was kinda in the same boat with my SD and her dad. She's been lying like crazy and leaves messes all over the house that I eventually have to pick up cause no one else will. I have a baby and she'll leave scissors on the floor cause no one ever taught her if u use something to put it back when ur done. Anyway I would keep telling her dad "u need to do something about this cause I can't be the only one trying to change it I need ur help too." She is selfish, irresponsible, can be very ride at times, all that stuff. It would always be an issue he'd make excuses for her or pick up her messes for her instead of teaching her that it is her responsibility and stuff like that. She just turned 13 and I have been telling him if u don't get a handle on her now it's only gonna get worse and ignoring the issues will not be an option. Well she's been busted stealing and lying about some pretty serious shit and he's starting to see that something needs to change. Most recently she took a phone out of my nightstand and I caught her red handed with it and she still lied and wouldn't give it up, not even to him when I told him what happened after he got home. I eventually had him search her back pack and he ended up busting her. I think that helped him realize even more how bad her lying has gotten. Until he found that phone, this house was just full of tension for 4 days cause I knew she had that phone and where she got it from and her story was that I'm crazy and making it all up. Well I got my evidence and proved that I was not the crazy one and made him be the one to catch her in her lies this time. It really opened his eyes.

I guess my point is if ur man won't listen to you about the issues with his daughter then it's only going to get worse and she'll dig her own hole and he'll have no choice but to open his eyes and realize that there really is a problem. When that happens u make sure he knows that this is exactly what you were trying to prevent but he wouldn't hear you out or help you help her. 

Siemprematahari's picture

You shouldn't be alone with this sneaky and conniving child. How the heck is she putting her hands on you and you are still placing yourself in the position of being around her. She better thank her lucky stars you didn't snatch her @ss up.

The only way to approach him is to be straight up and honest. Let him feel defensive but you still have to tell him how you feel so he can have the opportunity to fix it. Things will not change unless you open your mouth and he takes action. This little Princess is a problem and if he doesn't nip this soon, just imagine how fun it will be when she's a teenager....You're in for a ride.

Ispofacto's picture

Necropost

Submitted by k1783 on Fri, 08/17/2007 - 7:50am