Introduction and college rant
Hi everyone,
I’m new and have been reading for a few days now but here is a quick summary of my present situation: We live in the very liberal state of NY, which has recently offered free college to all. SD 17stb18 lives in another state with her mom and stepdad. BM doesn’t work and stepdad makes a modest wage which barely keeps their heads above water so long as they are smart with their money (and by smart I mean they apply for every benefit known to make and move from house after skipping out on rent and getting evicted). They could have a stable life but BM refuses to work, as she has her entire life.
Anyway my husband and I both work full time at modest jobs and make less than the required family income of $100k needed to apply for free college. SD (who is very unmotivated to do much of anything besides talk about boys, blow her money on ridiculously expensive clothes, shoes, makeup and Starbucks coffee and Snapchat all day while laying in bed) want to move in with us to take advantage of the free tuition.
My concerns with this are:
1. After she moves in we will never see a penny from BM even though DH faithfully paid his CS in time for 18 years.
2. We are selling our house and moving nearly an hr away from any college. We can’t afford room and board which is not covered and she would have to drive. I am NOT putting her on our insurance as she is space and we could lose everything if sued. She also isn’t used to driving in the snow we get here all freaking winter.
3. She would have to go to school full time (as required by the free tuition program) and work enough to cover the cost of a car, gas and insurance. SD, like her mom, has an aversion to work.
4. SD has unrealistic expectations about her abilities. She is failing her HS math class and thinks she’s going to be a doctor someday. If she does not stay on track to graduate the tuition costs can be converted from free to a 10 year loan and she would be kicked out of the program.
5. SD always needs someone to hold her hand and I do not have the time to do all the legwork researching her options, classes, parking, fees and figuring out how she’s going to pay for all of it while she lays in bed all day.
6. I do not want to deal with all the extra cooking, dishes and laundry. Not to mention the house will be dirtied faster and I don’t need to be woken up by her coming home at 3am.
7. She irritates me and is a know-nothing but thinks she knows-it-all mini me of her lazy mom.
8. She would have to live here for a while year first BEFORE starting college in order to “reestablish residency”!!!
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Comments
If her mom is CP and that
If her mom is CP and that poor, SD would probably get more assistance to go to school if she stayed living with BM. Not that I think tax dollars should be spent on someone who is unmotivated, but the truth is that Pell grants may cover more (tuition plus board) than just the tuition offered through NY.
The first step would be for
The first step would be for BM to agree to pay CS until 22 (since there would be a one year lag). DH should put that out there, and if there is any resistance at all, then no. Just no. The kid can move to NYS, get her own apartment and a just b to cover expenses and establish residency on her own.
get BM to agree IN WRITING in
get BM to agree IN WRITING in a revised CO that she is to pay CS to (whenever SD graduates from college)--similar to Chef's crappy CO...age 24? 25? 35? 58? Watch how fast the idea of SD moving in will go down in flames!!
I am sure there is still the
I am sure there is still the matter of being accepted by a school. I agree with the above that a pell grant in the end may cover more than the Community College rate she is likely to be eligible for.
I might insist that she take some college courses NOW while she is in school (many schools have a program that allows this for cheap or free). If she CAN do the work, perhaps you go the Pell Grant route for a year while she transitions and lives with you. Then, she may be able to transfer to a 4 year school when she becomes eligible for the NYS benefit.
Also, I would agree that getting Mom to pay CS to cover a share of the other related costs would be important. (though sounds like that is less than likely). But at least perhaps dad would be off the hook on paying BM.
In addition to the important
In addition to the important points that you ticked off including that she would have to live with you for a year to establish residency (YUCK!) she would also have maintain a certain GPA AND she would have to live and work in NY for the amount of time that she receives free tuition.
If she is already lazy and not doing well in HS, this is an absolutely ridiculous plan of action! Is your DH suggesting this is a great idea?? or who's hair-brained idea is this??
Your SD sounds not much different than my SD20. She was failing multiple classes and was not going to graduate, so my husbands Aunt who lives in another state offered to take her in. the ONLY reason SD graduated from HS was because Aunt was on her constantly, hired her private tutors etc. SD decided to go to college for all the wrong reasons... she wanted to tag along with her BF. She has student loans up the wazoo (thankfully DH did NOT cosign for them!) because she wanted to go to BF college. Well her and BF broke up 2 months ago and guess who suddenly wants to move back to our state and has no clue what she wants to do with her life?? She's 1/2 way through her sophomore year and suddenly instead of wanting to be a speech therapist, she wants to be a correction office (prison).. oh wait!!! that was last week! As of yesterday on her FB she wants to go to radiology school. LMAO.
thankfully in my case, my DH knows SD is just going to flit from one nonsensical idea to another and has NEVER offered to financially back her stupid decisions and has told her that she is an adult and will have to figure it out and is NOT moving in with us.
I think that all of your
I think that all of your concerns are valid and there is just no way I could get on board with this.
My SD26 is the same way, needs/wants someone else to do all of the work for her and even then, she does not follow through. Nope. I learned a long time ago not to waste my energy or resources trying to help that girl. She is lazy and has no motivation and nothing has changed that. Not even having 2 kids to raise.
Just say no. If she really wants to go to college, she will figure out a way without moving in with you. I wonder if this is coming from her or BM? I know BM over here put my SD up to a lot, if she thought it would benefit her (BM). Still does, actually.
My SD19 is the same way. She
My SD19 is the same way. She was "pity passed" here in NYS and baaarrreely graduated HS. Skipping, discipline issues, and failure to do any classwork/homework because the BM never ever wanted her itty bitty (gigantic) baby to do anything that wasn't fun, FUN, FUN !
She's being pushed through remedial HS courses at community classes and failing out so that the BM (the Girhippo) can continue riding the CS Gravy Train. The Girhippo quit her job as LOL CPS Supervisor to work as a waitress in a casino, thus artificially lowering her income for the "free" college as StepDaddyBigBucks makes a good wage.
She moves in with you for one
She moves in with you for one year. Since she has graduated high school, she should work full-time. Since she is not in school, she should pay at least a token rent. I would also require an amount deposited into savings every paycheck. When she goes to school, she will have her savings, plus her parents should help with living expenses as long as she is enrolled full-time and in good academic standing. That way she can live in the dorms because commuting an hour each way is just a bad idea.