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Gifts from my mom

JustMe20's picture

Submitted by JustMe20 on Fri, 06/26/2020 - 12:56pm

I have to explain a little first. I have a 10 year old step daughter and a daughter on the way. Bio mom has one kid older than my SD and two younger ones with her long time boyfriend. The bf has 3 other kids that are not bio moms.  We have full custody of my SD. She almost never stays at her moms because is chaotic and she hates it. We don't blame her too many bad ass kids not enough space.

My husband does make her go visit. She's never forced to stay. It doesn't cause problems. Yet anyway. But we have completely different lifestyles. There's no other way to say it, she's better than them. Smarter, well behaved, and so shy. So there won't be any forcing. 

Now to my mom. She has a lot of money and is a shopaholic. She still buys me Xmas gifts like I'm a kid. All of her grandkids get a lot from her. She treats my SD just like her own grands. My mom just gifted all her grands iPads. No joking, 7 in total! And there wasn't a reason. I asked if she was dying. 
Fast forward to a day ago where I get this Facebook message from Bio saying her kids feel so bad that don't have nice things like their sister. Shoes, clothes, toys, and electronics. She says she knows it's not my problem but it "effects" her kids. And it would be nice if we thought of them. That pissed me off. Don't get me wrong I see the difference in the way they dress and what they have. But there's nothing I can do! I don't feel we owe them anything. Even if I feel bad for them. I didnt even respond or tell my husband yet. She also said my SD won't share. I dont blame her. They destroy everything. She doesn't take much with her but when we dropped her off she had it in the car and they must've seen it because they asked her about it. 
 

I almost went off. But she didn't come at me in a rude way. I know my husband is going to be mad. The one little girl is sweet and runs up to me to say hi! She's sweet. Maybe I'll give that One her hand me downs? Should I? I feel like they'll expect stuff after that. Would any of you? 
 

 

 

Comments

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Fri, 06/26/2020 - 1:03pm

And you can support BM.  Just B.S,  that how life is. Some of us have more money then others. No body told BM to have more kids then she can afford.  No body told BM to have a poor BF. Or a poor mother.  She did that   That not your problem or worries.  Just do not let SD take any of the good thing to BM. Because you will never get them back

Ursula's picture

Submitted by Ursula on Fri, 06/26/2020 - 1:10pm

BM really has some nerve sending you a message like that.  Even if she wasn't rude, it was greedy and entitled.  If BM wants her kids to have nicer things, she better get a better paying job or a second job.  

Don't allow SD to take things over there any more and you can explain nicely to her that she can't take those things over there any more because the other kids are jealous of what she has.  

Save SDs old clothes for your new daughter.  

EveryoneLies's picture

Submitted by EveryoneLies on Fri, 06/26/2020 - 1:25pm

Oh Wow the nerves!

Perhpas BM could use this opportunity to teach her kids that life is not fair and they can work hard to earn the things they way. I never understand the entitlement from some people.

The_Upgrade's picture

Submitted by The_Upgrade on Sun, 06/28/2020 - 12:36am

I can understand where this BM is coming from. She probably could've phrased it better but I do empathise a bit. It's fine to say that BM should've known better then to have more kids than she can afford but the kids are too young to understand that. In their little world there is another sibling that occasionally visits, flashing all the toys they could never even imagine. This sibling doesn't share them (because they damage things) and then breezes off again. They don't know where she goes but it must be to a really nice place filled with nice things that they'll never have. It must burn to see your kids witnessing that and to know you can never provide for your children to the same degree. 

My family were refugees and I grew up dirt poor. And yet thinking about my childhood when I was a child I didn't realise how poor we really were. Life was just life. It was only as I grew up and was exposed to more people and saw what they had that it really sunk in. I didn't have what my classmates had. Your SD is awakening that revelation in her half siblings. Yes, BM should teach her kids that every family is different like my mum taught me. But it's  trickier in your case because your SD is their family as well so the kids would naturally question why is she is better off than other family members. 

It's a tough lesson for these kids to learn that life's not fair and equal. You and your mum are in no way obligated to provide for them to match with SD. I agree in that path leads to dysfunction. But perhaps to lessen the sting to the other half siblings your SD could refrain from bringing over the truly extravagant belongings and only bring over stuff she's willing to share so they look forward to her visits and don't grow up resenting her. Otherwise there's no point to her visiting that side of the family if every visit just twists the knife further. They will have zero relationship by the time they're adults. 

fakemommy's picture

Submitted by fakemommy on Mon, 06/29/2020 - 9:47am

I would not respond. I also would not let SD bring nice things over there anymore. I would absolutely not but her kids things, but maybe help SD gift them items for birthdays or Christmas (moreso to teach SD the importance of giving).

It sucks, but we're in a similar situation here. BM just thrift shops a lot and she does okay. We're not as flashy as we could be, but the difference is still real.