Confrontation at the drop off
My stomach is so upset by the stress caused by both SD and BM! My god is has been horrible ! Between the outburst yesterday from SD15 getting upset because we won't put DD5 on the top and allow her to sleep in the bottom bunk I am just done! Today took the cake and today DH said that's enough! We went to MiL house for her birthday party . BM was already texting DH early for a pick up time . He told BM that we may be done around and he would try to meet at 5pm but everyone was having a good time that it got later then we thought so he texted BM and told her that we would be running late because we were leaving MIL house later then we thought and we needed to go to our house and get SDs stuff . The mistake was that DH gave her a time and she holds it to him, doesn't matter the countless times BM has made DH wait. So she was already complaining about that and SD was complaining to DH most likely because BM was upset and texting SD . So on thre way to our house to get SDs stuff She was already complaining to DH on why we would be late to meet BM and she would not stop! DH explained that it was his moms birthday and since SD and BM DIDNT have any plans , he didn't see what the rush was and he is not living in their schedule . SD 15 would not stop and DH said " SD , I am your father and you need to listen to me and if I say that's it then that it" SD responded " well maybe I won't come over then" and DH said well it's your choice but when you are here you have to listen to me and follow the rules so if you done wanna come then don't. In which SD replied " ok well don't beg me to come over !" I tried sooooo hard to not respond ! Beg??!??!! Like the nerve of this brat omg . And she was still talking back and DH lost it and told her to Shut the F up, but he didn't yell it, it was just a response because he was annoyed . Finally she stopped but I guess she was texting BM about it because when we dropped her off BM got off the car and started to argue with DH and asked him why he told SD to shut the F up. When he told BM why he said that said got really upset and told him that she would take him to court ! lol literally over what ???? Him telling SD that ? He has never ever laid a hand on SD or even came close to it. You guys know how gentle he parents her but of course BM couldn't have anyone put their foot done to SD15. DH didn't say anything and got in the car. Then BM was texting DH how he should be grateful she raised an "amazing human being" and again how DH just needs to be present in SD life . lol so she means basically for DH to just put up with both their crap!!!! And she went to say that SD has told her how DH "speaks to her " and how DH puts her life in danger with his road rage LOL! Omg like this can't be real! And then she said how DH said willing sign away his rights and if he does not she will take him to court and how they both are done with him! I'm like thank you for doing us the damn favor and what does she expect the court to do?!? This is not the first time SD has lied to people about us! She once told BM parents that we forced her to watch out kids so no SD is not welcome in our home
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I'd take her at her word
She says she's not coming over? Good. 15 years old, the armpit of youth for girls.
If I were you guys, I'd limit contact with both to email or text and don't initiate the contact. Is she on a weekend visitation? Or 50/50? In other words, are you paying CS?
Both BM and SD have
Both BM and SD have threatened to not coming over ( well BM threatened to with home SD) before . But when BM needs a sitter she will forget all the horrible things she said to DH and say " are we meeting this weekend " DH will usually ask SD "are you coming this weekend " but he never ever begs! But this time DH said he will not and he will limit contact , BM is blocked but SD will remain on a " contact me if you want" basis . He gets her EOW and he pays monthly support. But they really act like we will be crying if SD doesn't come . Actually it will be a blessing to get our peace back . DH is concerned about the lies SD will try to tell tho but he knows there's no truth to them
So true!
15 years old, the armpit of youth for girls.
Not if parents raise them with enforced standards of behavior
Not if parents raise them with enforced standards of behavior and performance.
IMHO of course
Though I have never raised one myself.
sometimes fathers have to
sometimes fathers have to learn to drop the rope and not continuously fight over the child. BMs like this get their power by the struggle they set up in this situation. Dropping the rope gives everyone some peace and lets BM and SD feel like they've won, even though they haven't. But most importantly, the rope is not pulling on the child from two directions anymore.
And this age is horrible for both boys and girls, particularly those who have been aligned with one parent against another as so many in this group have been.
Agree. Ages 13-16 are hard
Agree. Ages 13-16 are hard even in the best of circumstances. Throw in a PASing BM and it's hell on earth.
Yup and I think DH has
Yup and I think DH has finally dropped that rope but he will never sign his rights away like BM keeps asking . I don't even know why she keeps insisting on it .
Che k up on this for your
Che k up on this for your state but ... it's my understanding that you cannot sign your rights away unless there is someone who wants to step in and,adopt your child. Also, she doesn't have a leg to stand on if she thinks she can have DH stripped of his rights. She's delusional.
Right but that won't stop her
Right but that won't stop her from lying . I'll check our states guidelines
I am sorry you are going
I am sorry you are going through this, I totally understand and have been there. Although BM didn't yell at DH in person she often coldly and passive aggressively told him the same things.
And OSDthen13 had a FIT one evening, just over DH putting his foot down about something he totally disagreed with (he was absolutely right), she would not drop it, and she threatened DH one last time with, "I don't want to come here anymore!" And he said, "That's fine, go."
Maybe not the best thing, as she didn't come back. But we also figured out she had ALREADY transported most of her things to BMs a bit at a time, so she was already planning something. And blamed DH. Because he was their scapegoat.
Give them what they want.
Give them what they want.
Yup DH did exactly that, but
Yup DH did exactly that, but I just hope that BM is bluffing about the court thing
Only communicate through text
Only communicate through text or email so that there's a record.
Coming up next
I wouldn't be terribly surprised if BM calls CPS on you guys for saying the F word to Precious royalty SD. That usually is the next step they call CPS to further accelerate the PAS. PASout is well underway.
Oh SD15 is "amazing" alright. But not in the sense BM thinks it is.
Omg that is my fear, we have
Omg that is my fear, we have other children so if this happens she can really really turn our house upside down
Wow SD has been PASd pretty
Wow SD has been PASd pretty bad by her mom. This reminds me of when my husband and I moved k together with all 5 of our kids. My kids did fine and thrived. His came only every other weekend.
When they came it was chaos. We always tried to make them feel at home here. They shared a room and decorated it. My husband bought them a bunk bed. It was not cheap.
Then my SD threw a tantrum that the mattress was bad and "MUST" be replaced and was super rude instead of simply asking for a new one. My husband put her in her place and told her to be thankful and that she can't talk to him in that rude way and there is a way to treat people. It became obvious they were being alienated against our house.
They even used their moms vegatarianism against us here. There were problems every single weekend until our final blowout and now my husband sees them in their moms town only. We haven't addressed if they ever want to come here again and they haven't asked... So far..
I feel for you. I feel like SD likely has jealousy that things are well at your house when she's not there and that she doesn't get more spoiling or straight attention. Then likely her mom encourages her to complain and praises her for that.
Her behavior is not ok and must be shut down. I know the bio parents sometimes think they'll let their kid get away with more crap cause they don't want issues on their little parenting time they have. However disrespect can't be tolerated.
You probably won't see her for a while... However in the meantime you can come up with some household boundaries for your own sanity. What you will and won't tolerate.
After her long text to DH ,
After her long text to DH , she is no longer welcome here . SD basically blames me as to why things are this way between him and SD and DH and BM . She basically praised herself on what a good person she is and just went to town on how we are rasing our children
I can see why she's not
I can see why she's not allowed over any longer. I wouldn't feel safe having her over in those circumstances and after how she's behaved over there. She's not welcome because of her actions.
That's about the age that my
That's about the age that my SD stopped coming over for her visitations. Teenage girl and a bitch of a BM, is a bad combination and there is no winning. You coudln't pay me enough to do those years over, again.
My DH and SD were very close at one time, and SD was normally a well behaved kid. BM was intent on sabotaging their relationship and she did a pretty good job.
My SD is now 33 and realizes what a selfish, manipulating, bullying, unhappy woman her mother is but there is no getting those years back and the father/daughter relationship will never be the same.
What I don't get with these types of BMS, is what is the end game? What is the benefit of insuring that their kids have a crappy reltionship with their father?
I think they feel like they
I think they feel like they want to get even with their ex or dominate and show them who is boss, however their actions only hurt their own child and that's the sad part. They raise rude and entitled kids. I always wonder why they don't want to raise happy, healthy well rounded kids. Why they encourage kids to act out just for their own selfish reasons. Have they really "won"?
That's what I mean, in the
That's what I mean, in the end, what have they really gained? Nothing.
It is sad when a parent puts
It is sad when a parent puts their own vendetta against their ex and new spouse over the benefit of their child having two loving bio parents.
I mean, SD does have some valid reason to be resentful of her situation at dad's... there are not a whole lot of teen girls that would be overjoyed with sharing a home with 3 tiny kids.. and being forced to share with a 5yo. Yes, I get that dad is probably in the best house he can afford, but there are few teen girls (especially) that would want to tolerate the set up at dad's house.. and it likely feels to her as if she is pushed out and replaced by the "new kids".. dad has a "new family" and it doesn't include her.
And.. yes, I totally get she refuses to come.. and that narrative is highly supported by her mother.. so there is almost no winning.. the girl probably does have a right to feel the way she does and to not want to come to be in tight quarters with little kids where she doesn't feel very important.... but her father also has to be fair and try to be good to all his kids.. and is probably just doing the best that he can... and all he can do is try to continue to keep lines of communication open with his daughter while holding boundaries in place that are necessary to keep the peace in his own home.
Using profanity was not right, obviously, but I get he was just at his wits end with her incessent whining... so he was trying to convey some weight. In the future, he probably needs to try to keep his cool a bit more.. even in the face of frustrations like that.
It may be that overnight visits with her are just not something that will be in the cards unless he really wants to fight for it.. and it doesn't seem that he wants to do that... he has allowed her to skip at will.. reversing that trend is likely going to be impossible.
What I would suggest is that he try to keep communications open with her in ways that she uses.. cell phone app.. whatsapp, text.. snapchat... whatever her app of preference is.. he needs to try to send out a contact to her daily.. a question about her day.. just telling her he loves her and is thinking about her.. I'm not talking about him spending hours in this way.. just a message every day.. that isn't necessarily making demands she come over.. but just showing interest in her/her life.. whether she comes or not.
As far as any visits that do happen in the home.. obv.. there is littlle he can do about the room situation.. and no, the 5 yo doesn't take the top bunk. If it truly is just a few days a year.. perhaps letting the 5 yo bunk with another sibling isn't too disruptive.. but I wouldn't be up for SD displacing all her posessions for three days a year haha.
I think ideally, he should try to see SD on his own.. outside the home.. once or twice a month.. he takes a day to spend with her.. yes, I get there are other kids.. but they would have him the other 28 days or so.. so it's not unfair to see him taking a couple days to devote towards his other child.. yeah.. ideally she would blend into the current family dynamic... but there are too many cards stacked against that..
In the end, perhaps she will realize as an adult that it's not as easy as she thinks it should be as a self absorbed teen. Just like my OSD is realizing that it wasn't that easy to stay with someone abhorrent "for the kids" and is now going to struggle on her own lower salary. As a teen and young adult, she held a lot of resentment over her situation and at her parents.. only now, do I think it is dawning on her that her parents did the best they could.. and tried to love her through it all.. as imperfect as we all are.
"You coudln't pay me enough
"You coudln't pay me enough to do those years over, again." I feel this in my soul.
In our case BM was too lazy and entitled to bother with exercising her custodial time. She sent SD's to us to babysit all the while sh*t talking us. It was the worst combination. We would be so lucky to have had Step-Diablas stay at BM's. They were sent to our home 2-4 weekdays and EVERY weekend and holiday by BM. She needed her "alone time."
SD wrote DH a long long
SD wrote DH a long long letter basically about how horrible we are and how DH is stuck with me because we have 3 kids together and how negatively it affects her . And praising what a good person she is and why can't I do more for her like provide things here at the house for her!!!!!!!! Why is that even my place ??? I have gone out and bought her shampoos and stuff but then she never comes! She expects these things to be here for her. It was completely and utter BS!!!! I can't even believe it, I am so upset I feel sick like throwing up!
She is throwing a little
She is throwing a little hissy fit and you know you have done your best to make her stays comfortable. She is trying to turn her dad against you. My step son did actions like this. Telling him how dare he choose my rules over his feelings. Etc. Trying to get my husband to turn away from me and be apologetic to him as if it were a competition and that my husband must leave me or something... After my husbands son acted like a petulant child over here. My husband saw right through it. My husband tried to establish rules about them coming back and they rebelled against that idea so that was that. He sees them outside the home. Since it's so obvious that she harbors those terrible feelings toward you it doesn't make sense for her to come over. She's made that bed she can lie in it (, pun intended)
SD may have some justified
SD may have some justified feelings about the situation at her dad's (it is tight quarters.. she doesn't have space of her own etc.. ) it doesn't excuse poor behavior.. for that reason dad should be seeing her outside the home because it's not right to inflict her negative attitude on everyone else.
In time, she may come to realise.. life isn't fair.. parents do the best they can.. etc.. but right now, she isn't seeing that perspective.. she is just seeing it from her own self absorbed POV that her mother pushes as well.
If SD
was forced to sleep in the unfinished attic while the rest of the kids had a beautifully appointed bedroom with private bath she would have justification for her feelings. But living in a house where space is tight and having to share a bedroom - even if she was actually coming for her EOWO visitation - is not justification for her feelings. Her wants are not as important as the needs of the other children and the family as a whole.
As for spending time with her dad away from the home that's all well and good as long as it doesn't break the bank and the activities aren't designed to feed into SD's and BM's little princess fantasy.
I am not saying she has to be
I am not saying she has to be treated like a queen with her own room given their circumstances.
I am saying that a teen girl would not be overjoyed with sharing a room with a 5 year old. Visiting in a home that is centered around lives of little kids. etc..
Her feelings are justified..
She is entitled to her feelings about a situation.. the fact that it can't be helped is a completely different issue.
I am not saying that the room is not "adequate shelter".. but it is not a situation that most teens would enjoy or look forward to spending much time in.
That doesn't mean that her dad and SM are obligated to do anything different if there are no better options.. and yes.. obv the full time kids need more stable space than the occasional resident... but she is her father's daughter.. and she has not been alotted much space in his home.. due to tight quarters.. but again.. that's not a situation that SD caused.. so she has a right to have some amount of dislike about the situation.. as unavoidable as it may be.
And.. as her father's daughter.. her feelings should matter... in relative terms in his home.. but, due to circumstances.. there is no possibility of every child having their own room in the home.. and the adults have alocated the rooms as best they could..
It's just unfortunate that her mother also pushes it as part of the "your dad doesn't care" narrative.
And.. remember.. we are talking about self absorbed teens that have never paid a bill in their life.. they can't be expected to have the emotional maturity or experience to understand the situation.. she just sees it through her own lens.
again.. not saying that OP or her DH are wrong for the room set up.. but they also should try to see it from the girl's pov.. and perhaps just going to visits outside the home might be better for everyone going forward.. not "banning" SD.. but she doesn't enjoy the visits.. and it becomes disruptive for everyone..
Yea I told SD that his visits
Yea I told SD that his visits need to be outside the home since whatever we do is not good enough for her . She Will not be happy until we kick DD out the room and SD has the room for herself and all her belongings . She also said how we didn't put any thought in her Christmas gift as we did the only children. Again she did spend any time with us for the holidays nor did she want to. DH gave her $100 and I got her a gift card. I guess she was jealous because we got the girls a doll house and I got my BS13 a portable ping pong table? Again never grateful. My dad always gave me $100 for Christmas and I love it because I could get whatever I wanted . Also SD went on to say that I spend a lot of money on a new dog yet can't even buy her a toothbrush lol like wtf is that . Um hell no icsm a grown ass women and I can spend whatever the heck I want on myself
The problem
is that if this was an intact family with children of multiple ages the older child would not be considered justified in being upset about it. In fact, it would be just the opposite. To see SD as justified in her feelings is to give her special status.
This is one of the inherent problems with steplife - if we see COD as damaged and treat them accordingly we are creating the monsters. If we focus on "how hard" it must be for them to have to share space with their half siblings we're part of the problem. It supports the us vs them dynamic that is unhealthy.
Actually, even in an intact
Actually, even in an intact family, it's likely that a 15 year old would not be overly thrilled about having to share with a 5 year old.
And, it's not an intact family we are dealing with here. SD is much older and has been raised by her mother to see her father's new kids as "other".. She has been damaged by the way she was raised.. but her father has also been a bit slack in how he has been there for her.. there were some prior cases where he wasn't even there.. doing other things (photography assignments I believe).. on the days she was supposed to be there. I get that in an "in tact" family.. kids may have to deal with parents that work a lot.. but when you are talking a kid who doesn't benefit from the day to day contact.. and the few times she does go, he can't make time for her? you can see how the dynamic could be set up in her mind.
Again, I am not excusing her being rude, disrespectful etc.. but I do think she has some right to be resentful of the situation.. because her father is unable to provide a better set up other than her having to squeeze in with a 5 year old.
I mean, come on... were you forced to room with a little kid as a teenager? it wouldn't have bothered you to have to be in what you would have considered very "baby" environment as a teen.. when you are "all grown up"?
I sympathise with this girl to the extent that their situation is not ideal.. and not conducive to her wanting to visit.. but there are other factors at work here.. like her mom and MIL and SIL pushing the narrative that agrees with her "feelings"
But, I also sympathise with OP because dealing with a petulant teen girl that is not grateful for what she has been given.. when it probably has been a stretch to provide it.. it's tough..
That's why I say, hopefully if dad and daughter are able to maintain a relationship.. even if it doesn't involve overnights.. perhaps at some point, she will hopefully see that they did what they could do under not the best of circumstances.
Just no.
"she has some right to be resentful of the situation.. because her father is unable to provide a better set up other than her having to squeeze in with a 5 year old."
Sorry, but this is slightly crazy. A kid has the right to be resentful because her father doesn't make enough money to support her in the lifestyle which she believes she deserves??
I know, the kid has to sleep
I know, the kid has to sleep on the top bunk. That is not a huge deal. She only visits a couple times a year. So at this point what is the matter with that setup? Not everyone has enough money to have a home where everyone gets their own room. Also there's no way I would put a 5 year old on the top bunk. Kids have been sharing rooms for centuries this is not a new thing. SD is spoiled and entitled. She should be happy to see her family and enjoy family time together and instead she focuses only on negatives. She didn't get big enough presents. She has to share a room.
@yesterdays you are
@yesterdays you are absolutely right ! SD comes maybe a handful of times a year.... and yes I guess $100 was not good enough for her lol
It's not crazy.. it's
It's not crazy.. it's actually pretty normal for teens to be resentful of situations that they don't see as fair. Everyone here is trying to come at it from the specific perspective of an adult.. a stepparent..
And.. I think it's "ok" for her to feel resentful.. I don't think it's ok for her to act out
Because, Ideally she would have a more personal space than a top bunk in a room with a 5 year old. Her dad is doing the best he can... but for a teen girl? it's not a great space.. even it if's all they had.. and I'm not saying that they need to clear out the master for her.. but they are not providing what most teens would consider a satisfactory space.. and that.. plus the BM narrative and probably just because she is a teen who prefers to stay in her own normal environment.. she doesn't want to visit as often.. and at 15, they don't need to push that part of it.. especially since it is disruptive to the other family.
But, yeah.. in a nutshell... she would probably be considered in the minority of her peers who would be forced to share a bedroom with a much younger sibling.. it's not like we are talking the "norm" here with her.. she IS being asked to accept less than she would otherwise have in most other homes...
And I get that she has her own room at mom's.. hence part of the reason why she is so reluctant to visit.. (not all.. but I am sure it's a factor for her)
This may
be the case for families with one or two kids but it isn't necessarily true for families who choose to have more kids.
And I think that's the crux of the issue here. If you think parents shouldn't have more kids than they can adequately provide for, and your standard for that is a separate bedroom for every child because that's what everyone else has in today's world, then you're going to see SD not having her own room as a problem that could have been avoided. If her dad just hadn't had more children than he could "afford" it would have been better for SD. And so dad is responsible for SD's resentment.
I think that's where the difference in our perspective lies. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with limiting your family so that every child has their own room, by any means, just that parents who choose differently are not wrong, either, and shouldn't be judged negatively because of it. Nor are their children "deprived" because of it.
I'm not necessarily judging
I'm not necessarily judging them negatively, but I also can see it from the perspective of a teen girl.
To an extent, I do believe that people should have children that they can afford...and while it doesn't necessarily mean separate rooms for each child (imho), the rooms should be adequate for the age and number of kids.
I shared a room with my brother (im female).. until I was 12. But, we were only 18 months apart and were raised this way basically as far as either of us can remember really. In tact family.. in the military.. so most of the housing wasn't even provided directly by my parents. Once I was 12, we each did have our own room. With kids very close in age there is more comraderie.. playmate status etc.. I do think a 10 year age difference is probably a struggle esp now since she is a teen.
Shoot, my father's dad was quite wealthy and all his sons shared a room growing up until they were shipped off to boarding school when their dad remarried. I get that in many circumstances it is not a problem.. but I do see a teen girl not being thrilled sharing with a 5 yo.. they are just at completely different stages in their lives.
And... honestly.. I think a lot of kids resent things about their childhood.. I never got a pony (military made it impossible.. didn't stop me from sorely wanting one and feeling a bit cheated that I couldn't have one like I saw other kids have) They didn't get things they wanted.. had to work to buy a car when other kids got one given.. didn't get to go to disney (I never did)..
As an adult, we can put those things in better perspective but as kids there definitely are things that kids can and do feel resentful about... they don't have a full picture (and don't necessarily need to have the full reasons).. they don't pay the bills...they don't realize the balance issues.. all they know is that they have in their mind "a sucky top bunk".
And.. it's not the OP's place to make things "right" for her SD.. it's her father.. it's his responsibility to manage expectations.. to manage behaviors.. to ensure she has adequate.. whatever.. at his home.. it's not OP's.. and she shouldn't internalize any blame when it may fall short of what the girl would like or thinks she should have.(or MIL or BM)
What she is going through is part of the growing up part of life.. understanding that sometimes things may not seem fair.. sometimes we don't get what we want.. but we learn to accept realities with grace.. she isn't at that point yet.. but maybe someday she will figure out that life isn't as easy for her parents either.
It just seems that outside visitation would suit this situation better... because it doesn't make sense at this point for them to somehow move to a bigger home.. I think at this point.. the pattern is pretty set anyway.. the girl is not likely to visit many more times in any case... even if they did move to a bigger home. Dad's job is to convey that he still is her father and wants a relationship.. but that he won't force her to do the overnights since she doesn't feel her space is adequate.
I’m working on controlling
my need to get the last word in so I'll just say but...but...but...
Nah I am also going to
Nah I am also going to disagree with you. "She is being asked to accept less then she would other wise have in most other homes " lol you are kidding... my son has shared a room with his younger brother for YEARS! Does he cause issues about it? Nope, does he stress me about it nope! Should he have his own space, For sure but unlike SD, my BS13 has been taught that you can't always get everything you want in life and something as trivial as his own room when their are SOME kids that don't even have a home is NOT something he is gonna make a big deal about . Princess SD had to accept less ... haha if it were up to SD she would wear SKIMs everyday and have her own room, bathroom, vanity set up, lululemon closet full of cloths. Sometimes SD needs to humble her self and like someone else has mention. She is here to spend time with and not on her bed which she has also complained about that we don't " include her more " when she literally have said " SD please make sure you come on your weekends because we are planning more family trips and we want you there " nah that's not she wants. She wants us to beg for her attention. Just how DH has to "beg" her to come
Agreed
Agreed
BINGO!
BINGO! To what the comment above said! She is special status because she is not part of a intact family unit .
I don't think that she is
I don't think that she is special because of it.. but we do have to recognize that steplife is not the same.. there will be different struggles.. and it's more complicated.. for everyone.
And.. it's totally possible
And.. it's totally possible to acknowledge that there may be some validity to her feelings of resentment, while simultaneously accepting that the situation is the best that can be done... and that her dad can tell her that disappointment doesn't excuse poor behavior.
It's also reasonable to ask her father to continue visitation activities outside the home to avoid high level disruption.. not that she is being banned from the home.. but clearly she doesn't enjoy being there.. so maybe a few visits a month outside the home would be better on the whole for everyone?
We had Spawn come to live
We had Spawn come to live with us fulltime when she was 10, at that point she had to share a room with BD because we couldn’t financially afford to go purchase a new house just so that Spawn could have her own bedroom. We went the bunkbed route with Spawn whining and complaining about having to sleep on the top bunk, so we ended up separating the beds and making one half of the room Spawns and the other half BD’s. In reality BD was hardly ever in the room since she was still a toddler and spent most of her time with me. Spawn complained so much that Meth Mouth even called CPS on us to see if there was a way she could force us to give Spawn the room to herself. This was an issue the whole time Spawn lived with us, always complaining and whining about having to share a room. You know who never complained? BD, you know why? Because she wasn’t being raised to be entitled to think that she deserved a room all to herself when we couldn’t afford it.
Exactly.
And I'd be willing to bet Spawn was already a whiner and complainer and would have been even with the "injustice" of having to share a room.
Pretty much, she wanted to be
Pretty much, she wanted to be an only child with three other siblings.
Exactly! Kiddos to BD!
Exactly! Kiddos to BD!
You are right, and you,
You are right, and you, yourself, should absolutely ignore that letter. Of course, you will never respond to it. It's picking the little things apart and there's no mollifying her. OSD complained to DH once about how it felt like (SMs) house, and why couldn't HE be calling ALL the shots. And HER of course. With me, in the end, having no say. DH told me that, even if we could pretend it was all him, EFF NO. I laughed, really. She's a kid! She doesn't get to tell us how things work in our home.
Your DH should meet with her outside the home only at this point. And ask her hard questions. He cannot get into a back and forth with her, answering nitpicky questions that you both know the answer to will never solve the issue. Stick to big ones and to your boundaries: These are the dates in the CO you are to be with me (DH). If you refuse to come, I will not track you down and beg. If you do come, you are to follow our behavior expecations in our home. If you need something, or a ride somewhere, you must ask politely and reasonably - and if I have (DH) questions, you will answer them forthrightly. And I I (DH) say no, that's the end of it; reminder of expectations.
Likely she will not agree, then it's on her. And again, I agree so much with others here, write it all down. Do as much in emails or texts that can be saved as possible. Keep your tempers in line with her (I agree the F word was needed, but with your SD you need to to keep it in check) and refuse to argue. Use your phone to record her rants if you need as well, with DH responding reasonably, etc., etc. They are going to war with your household but that's a two way street. You can't have war with the other side waiving a white flag (symbolically).
Yes SD whole text was crap!
Yes SD whole text was crap! It just solidifies her jealous of my and the children DH and I share. She even brought up some incident from years and years ago when one time she ate one of my protein cookies while I was pregnant and I told DH if SD could ask before she ate it and SD said that I got mad and how everything in the pantry should be for everyone and how she likes cookies to and blah blah ! I was like omg! She said that she is afraid of upsetting me which is why she keeps to herself lol I have never ever said one mean thing to SD, I have only treated her with kind ness. I even had a talk with her and told her that if she ever needed anything she can ask me , I am very open and understanding. Just ugh
You have
a little brat on your hands here.
I would consider you/your DH
I would consider you/your DH (on speaker together) call MIL and SIL ASAP... or schedule a sit down meeting with the both of them... face to face... so they clearly hear what you have to say.
I would inform them of the boundary with BM and kindly ask that they support you by not going around DH to talk with BM. They can talk to SD all they want- but kindly ask that they not communicate to BM due to the toxic nature of the relationship. I would explain in simple terms what happend so as to thwart BM and SD's ability to split and manipulate DH's own family against you.
Who are they supporting- BM or DH? Because they can't support DH if they're supporting BM at the same time... I would explain SD is no longer having regular visitations at your house (her choice) and that DH and SD will coordinate visits outside of the home (and no- not at their homes) and that you kindly ask that they not involve themselves as it is none of their business.
** and if they say they're
** and if they say they're supporting SD- then you tell them the only way to do that is THROUGH DH (not around him) buy support his lead. Enough with the games.
This is the next step for
This is the next step for sure
This will never end well
You can see it. SD is delusional, BF must provide for her , not you, you are not her mother. You must put her in her place a 15 yo. Not a rent paying adult. Besides two adult women can't live together. It's a control thing. Who controls the home ?
Second DH and his ex should be texting no phone calls. Texts should be saved.
'you will have a Witten record of BM crazyness with changing times days, And if CPS is called. SD will actually be ban from your home. You don't want her affecting your other kids. DH can see her at McDonald for a happy meal.
Yes you are exactly right ,
Yes you are exactly right , she wants to control my home and her long text to DH was basically saying there where no issues until I came into the picture , funny BM says the same . So yes that tells me all I needed to know . I became a threat just for being in DH life and having other children . SD indicated in her text that I some how " trapped" by having more Children and now he is stuck with me! This is also something that BM has told DH but yea DH never talks to BM over the phone so we have all the text saved
I sort of feel like BM sent
I sort of feel like BM sent SD on this visit for the purpose of causing this type of drama. She doesn't visit for what, almost a year, then suddenly she decodes to come. Something tells me BM has been "priming" her with things to be upset about and timing it for right before she sends her. Then when SD does get upset, BM pounces.
Yes it was like that really
Yes it was like that really really strange. Even DH was like what is up with her, why is she acting like this
People learn from pain. BM and SD need to learn.
Lock them in a box of very tight boundaries, they comply to the letter of the CO or SD sees mommy getting her ass bared in court with never ending contempt motions.
Lather, rinse, repeat until they either learn some manners or the CO expires and BM and SD can rot in the cesspool of theri shallow and polluted gene pool as failed adults together.
Get on with living your best lives in spite of them.
Yea DH replied to her text
Yea DH replied to her text novel addressing everything she said and basically holding her accountable for her lying and for her creating all this drama. He also told her that she will not be welcome back at our house because he will Not jeopardize our peace and she basically just blamed him again for everything. Taking zero accountability for her lying ! Like is she that delusional to think she had not part in creating all this drama??! She is the one who texted BM telling her that DH was mean and lying about putting her life in danger! She just said how he can do better and more of how crappy he is and how she basically wants to be heard and singled out .
god lord just go away SD !!!!DH told her he would not reply after that anymore to her . She still carried on
I’m really glad
he's standing up for himself. And I hope he doesn't slip back into coaxing her to see him. That just feeds the monster.
So many skids of all ages become bullies because they know people are trying to please them and so let them get away with murder. They love that feeling of power.
And if this power gets taken away, that's when all hell breaks loose. I saw this with my husband's adult daughter. When he finally called her on her behavior she was completely livid and was basically out to destroy him. She was scary. But her father really was responsible for this after a lifetime of giving her attention when she sulked, which happened long before I came into the picture, even extending back to her childhood. She's a classic bully.
Yeah, DH met up with OSD one
Yeah, DH met up with OSD one time after a period of no contact. It was a sh*t show. She told him he "never tries contacting her" and he then SHOWED her the list of emails and texts he had been sending and she just changed the subject rather than acknowledging she ignored him. OSD does no wrong, and neither does "the best mom in the world, she's just amazing" BM.
I sort of feel like BM sent
I sort of feel like BM sent SD on this visit for the purpose of causing this type of drama.
This is exactly what happened in my situation. Obviously, SD went along with it and played her part but I know that BM was behind it.
So, BM got what she wanted, to destroy SD's relationship with her father. But in the end, she has also caused problems with her own relationship with SD, as SD now knows that her mother is batshit crazy and that she causes damage to everyone that she comes into contact with.
Unfortunately, SD's life is less than ideal because of BM's parenting but at some point, SD could have made different choices. It just sucks for the fathers who get hurt and have to sit back and watch what's happening with their kids, without being able to do anything about it.