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BM Confronts me for the first time after telling saying she does not want me involved....

lil_lady's picture

BM has always hated me I guess whats new lol. Anyways a little background:

I had been getting the kids up an ready for day care for a little bit because SO had some very early shifts and we didnt see the point in disturbing their sleep. This of course made for a hectic rushed morning for myself. SD6 told her mom I threw toast one morning, and BM lost it in an email saying she didnt appreciate my throwing things at her kids. SO investigated and it turned out SD6 said that I threw toast on her plate because we where in a hurry. I then spoke with SD6 about it and told her I was sorry that bothered her and if there was something like that in future just to let me know. I made it clear that it was not done because I was mad or upset.

A week later upon picking the kids up from daycare BM asked me how they where doing over text. BM knew damn well SO had been called in for a night and she chose to let me pick the skids up instead of taking them herself. Something I dont mind doing I LOVE my skids no problems with them at all. When BM txted me I emailed her back telling her I was only doing it because it was a trade day and I was going to be respecting SO's rules of communicating via email and only on trade days. I also took that opportunity to clarify some concerns BM brought up in her trade off email. SD6 had told BM that we had been talking alot about babies (I am expecting) and just having a lot of feeling conversations. BM did not want those conversations to happen and also felt we should not tell SD6 about my pregnancy right away. BM had just found out because they had been in court the day before and we where getting ready to announce it to family the following week.

Moving on I emailed back and addressed her concerns since they had to do with me and my conversations. I told her why we had discussed this all and why the feelings conversations and her children wher?and her children are none of my business....

Fast forward to dropping the skids off yesterday.... BM closes the house door addresses a concern she has with SO then looks at me and says "by the way you will never again throw toast at my kids" I looked at her and politely said "if you dont want me involved then dont bring me into it" she repeats herself and then SO tells her she did not throw toast at the kids. Then she keeps going... she looks at my tummy and says " and that thing... looks disgusted... I am not jelous I have been there done that and you can just enjoy" walks into her house and closes the door...

I AM LIVID who are you to write me off tell me you dont want me involved then verbally go after me? Not to mention continue to go after me after I have told you to stop! This just makes me want to send thoughts with every email she sends. Fine you want to speak at me I will speak right back AT you!

SO sent her a trade off email and explained what had happened with the toast. I am still upset I realize it is best to let him deal with it but at what point do you say NO! and stand up for yourself?

BTW that jelous comment was because BM wanted to tell her daughter about my child. After she ripped a strip off me for my polite email back I informed her that my children are none of her business and it sounded to me like she was trying to be part of something she was not part of and clearly jelous about.

lil_lady's picture

Moving on I emailed back and addressed her concerns since they had to do with me and my conversations. I told her why we had discussed this all and why the feelings conversations and her children wher doing well she responded with a long winded email that basically says she hates me and her children/divorce are none of my business....**

Sorry I dont know how to edit it.

lil_lady's picture

Thankyou!!! I really wanted to respond with if you don't want it to be my business maybe you should learn how to pay your own bills so SO can afford to support his kids in our home lol. I have payed for the last two beds for the skids we have bought because lawyer fees CS and alimony have ran him DRY... But again no desire to engage with this woman. I REALLY wanted to remind her who was raising and helping to support her children though.

lil_lady's picture

I know I am trying to ignore her this is something that I am super insulted by and almost hurt... I dont know about the what happens in our home thing.

As for exchanges my SO and I agreed that I would be there to portray a family atmosphere to both the kids and SO's Ex. I am more comfortable with it and to be frank I think the kids like it more. BM seems to be in denial that I am serious and here to stay, we find this is a good reminder. The kids like it so they can say goodbye to both parents and we do everything as a family.

I kind of agree with you on the what happens in your house thing. At the same time it is hard to tell a 6 year old to be quiet and not tell about things. I feel like if she has feelings she should be able to tell them to either parent. Not to mention BM has a tendency to be violent and I don't want SD to think she cant come to us and tell us what happens in BM's home. Family services is involved so secrets really would not be our friend at this point.

christinen's picture

Sometimes I feel the need to remind BM who is the wife and who is the trashy @$$ baby mama of the unplanned child. HOWEVER, I do not attend the pick ups or drop offs for the simple fact that I do not want or need the drama in my life! I used to get so worked up about things BM would say about me (I still have my moments but they are few and far between) and I always wanted to rub things in her face, but then I came to realize I was spending way too much of my time and energy on a woman that I despise! Every since I quit dealing with her, my life has been much less stressful! And you are pregnant! The last thing you need is baby mama drama and stress!

momagainfor4's picture

It seems to me that some ppl take pleasure in causing others pain and suffering. It's clear that she resents you in her kids life. The throwing the toast is just an excuse to be mad at you. As a parent, if my 6 year old told me someone threw toast at her, I'd say.... ok whatever. That sounds silly to me to get upset about. Besides I'd assume you just tossed it across to her plate rather threw it but then I'm a normal rational person.

Basically she's looking for shit to be mad about. It's clear that she is jealous of you and your pregnancy and all that it implies for her and her kids.

I don't think you should be hurt. I think you need to step back and let your SO handle interactions and communications with his kids mother. You are "trying to be nice" but really you are putting yourself in the middle. There is no reason for you to communicate with the bm at all. Stop it. I'm wondering how old you are? And maybe you're thinking that you are supposed to do all this stuff for your SO to make it one big happy family. You need to realize it will never be that way. You need to work with what you've got. Focus on yourself. Remove the things that don't serve a purpose. Talking to bm serves no purpose for you.

lil_lady's picture

I have no desire to talk with BM... he does deal with her. That is the thing she asked me about the kids and I responded. She wants me to answer her I will that is about it! I am just pissed she cant seem to leave me out of it! As for exchanges I go say goodbye to the kids dont say a word and stay back. Literally she had to yell at me to say what she wanted to say because I was to far away.

I am 27... Old enough to want not want drama and not search for it. I will not however bend over to the extent that I avoid acting like a family because of an insecure woman. She wants to make a scene she can go ahead. I guess it is just frustrating because I have never said anything to woman other then when she has asked me something.

Cadence's picture

The thing is that you DON'T have to respond to her even if she is asking you about the kids. It's not an emergency so she should be communicating with your DH.

Also, you now know that you can't win with her, so every time she wants to talk to you, it is safe to assume that you are being set up for some drama. You aren't powerless and she's not a reasonable person so the common sense solution to stop feeding the drama is to stop participating in it.

Your DH should be the one experiencing the stress of her crazy, not you. You didn't choose to procreate with BM; he did. BM of his kids = his problem.

PeanutandSons's picture

"She asked about the kids and I responded"

Ummmm, really? You are going to try and play innocent victim here? She asked how the skids were since you were picking them up. All you had to do was answer her.....kids are good, they had a great day at school. THATS IT. She did t need to hear about any of the other crap you sent her....that was totally unnecessary and escalated the entire situation.

As for the exchanges....again, no need to fein innocence. If you just wanted to say goodbye to the skids.....do it from home or do it from the car. There is NO need to go to BMS door other than because you want to get to her. You went to the door to aggitaye bm..... Your choice, but own it.

lil_lady's picture

I did not go to her door thats the point as I said she had to yell at me to say what she was going to say I am not going to hide in my car either. When she goes to the extent of screaming at me accross the yard though because I simply got out of my car and dont want to sit in it while a wait... no not cool. This was also 2 weeks after she told me to stay out of it and I have not said a word to her. She should have spoken with SO.

You guys do have a point about what I said though and I most definitely learned my lesson. The thing was I never in my right mind would have done that on my own. In the past BM asked me to talk to her when SD was telling me about her feelings. Her response was completely out of left field since BM has already gotten emails such as that and has responded out of concern for SD (she has been having a hard time lately and has been seeing a counselor).

MamaDuck's picture

Our BM called me once (this was when we were trying to get along for SD3 sake, but I realized she just wanted to 'use' me to try and control SO's parenting)

BM: SD said she hoped into bed with you this morning, I would appreciate it if you didn't let that happened.
Me: Oh, I've no idea, I was asleep, SO would have had a cuddle with her then got up.

[She continues, I think she was waiting for me to say "Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am, wont happen again ma'ma" but because I'm not saying that, she escalates the situation]

BM: Look, I'm just calling to say that I would appreciate it, if you never sleep in the same bad as SD!
Me: I haven't, and never will, I don't even like co-sleeping with my own kids.

[again, I'm not telling her what she wants to hear, she wants me to tell her she is RIGHT, so she escalates it even further]

BM: I'm not happy with the sleeping situation going on there, SD shouldn't be under the same roof as your boys, who knows what they'll do to my little girl.
Me: You need to discuss this with SO.
BM: I see you can't be reasonable, so we will no longer talk. *CLICK*

I know how awful it can be when BM takes an 'innocent' action and spins it into some sort of 'abuse' accusation, it makes your head spin! And then to have your BM put you down like that! Gah! I'd be livid too! It sounds like you and your SO are on the same page though (took my SO a wee while to get on my page lol), keep doing what you guys are doing and try not to let her get to you too much, ignore as much as you can

lil_lady's picture

I admire your calm response... I regret not explaining what happened but I was sure this was going to lead to a raging fight with her in front of the house with the kids at the door.

I took it as her confirming it was a jelousy thing which made it not so bad having her put me down. That is what people do when the feel challenged she is just proving her insecurity.

MamaDuck's picture

Oh, it wasn't easy, nothing this awful woman dishes out is easy, in private I rant and rave about her but anything in person, I just keep in mind that she loves to twist things and I don't want to make things worse for SO, gosh, IF I could tell her exactly what was on my mind out would be an incredibly satisfying moment for me lol

That's true about jealousy, I bet you're glowing and its driving her crazy Blum 3

lil_lady's picture

OMG I daydream about those satisfying moments... and when I get angry I really truly want to do it... then I step back and remember how glorious it is to have had this much time without dealing with having to hear her talk to me ;)..

LOL funny I had NO makeup on and I thought I looked like crap... so you are more then likely right!

MamaDuck's picture

Yeeeeaaaaaahhhh, that's why a woman would put her body through nine months of pregnancy and 18+ years of financial and physical blah blah blah commitment... to upset the hubby's ex. LOL

Disneyfan's picture

THIS

Both women are doing things to piss off the other person. BM just won this round.

lil_lady's picture

Lol all BM did was prove she is pissed off. I dont see how she won especially when I walked away laughing at her actions. I could yell at her across my yard the next time she drops of the kids. Does that mean I would win? BM was screaming infront of her children causing a scene. If she wins I am curious as to how being that she certainly didnt maintain her composure.

Disneyfan's picture

Both of you need to grow up.

BM won because her words got to you. Maybe it's my age, but I only get livid about things that annoy me.

lil_lady's picture

touche and true... deep down I was annoyed...

After reading all that you guys have said I am really reconsidering if I have the right attitude at all! To be honest as harsh and as much as you guys come across as despising me lol. If 3 to 4 people are saying the exact same thing I cannot ignore that.

You are completely right about the emails something that I have already cut off and have already decided no matter what I wont be doing. Even if she finds a reason in the future to ask for them AGAIN. That being said... It really bothers me to not go as a family and drop the kids off together. We do everything else as a family and now I am just supposed to let go of that because of BM's insecurities? Part of me thinks stop being stubborn and just dont go the other part thinks no I am sick of BM getting everything she wants and everyone handing her a simple life. I should be able to live my life how I want and go where I please... thoughts?

lil_lady's picture

Exactly what I am doing at this very moment. I just hate tip toeing around because of BM and her feelings. I have done it for to long and I am sick of it frankly. And what about when the kids come here? Am I to rush off and hide in my room in my own home? Just seems ridiculous.

lil_lady's picture

Oh no she comes in our house almost every time. It is rediculous in my mind that I have to step back and sit in my car and yet she somehow has the right to come into my home every week.

lil_lady's picture

It is not my doing its my SO's doing I am not about to tell her to get out of my home, that will start an argument. That is SO's job.

lil_lady's picture

And I will do that but the impression I was getting was that you thought I should be the one telling BM to get out. I guess it is something I had not thought of doing to be honest. I thought we where taking the high road not doing anything about it. Not to mention it just seemed normal for BM to come in and drop off the kids. That was when we weren't having this problem with fighting. To be frank I have set bounderies and now that this drop of thing has become an issue i will be setting more. I do not appriciate you questioning my ability to be a mother. It is an insult and beyond rude.

SMof2Girls's picture

DH just needs to be proactive and walk outside to collect/drop off the kids. No reason she even gets the opportunity to approach your front door. I get that it's awkward, but DH needs to handle it. If he doesn't know it's important to you, it's your responsibility to make it clear that this is unacceptable.

christinen's picture

No. No. No. The BM does not need to be allowed in your home. If DH ever let BM in my home, I would SNAP. There is no reason for that AT ALL.

realitycheckmom's picture

Atually before she got pregnant she posting all about how she couldn't wait to get pregnant and rub it in the BM's face. She made a post wanting to know how all our BMs reacted and she gleefully was replying how she hoped her BM would be upset too. Of course at this time her BM was still married to the guy she is sleeping with so ya take that all for what it is worth. She wanted this drama, she has it and she is thrilled. What a lunatic! }:)

lil_lady's picture

Yes I got pregnant for the sole purpose to piss BM off... you need to make damn well sure that your accusations are true before posting.

lil_lady's picture

Really because I would love to see you quote the place I said that I was trying to have a baby for six months to piss off BM.

"actually before she got pregnant she posting all about how she couldn't wait to get pregnant and rub it in the BM's face"

A. I never said anything before I was pregnant thanks for trying though.

B. I have never said anything about rubbing it in BM's face. I was interested in seeing how exactly she would fly off the handle because I knew it would be a complete gongshow given her past.

Like I have said you seem to think you know alot about my situation. You should, however, educate yourself if you intend on attacking someones personal credibility.

lil_lady's picture

Its blunt but good, BM had been previously asking me to communicate with her about her daughters well being. I, however will not being doing that anymore if one minute she is receptive and the next she is bitting my head off!

Disneyfan's picture

It really sounds like both of you are trying to annoy one another. You by going to each exchange and her by saying nasty things.

Why in the world were you even at her door??? If you MUST go to the exchanges, stay in the car.

realitycheckmom's picture

Because the BM is still married to the guy that knocked her up so she is "pissing" on her territory. She was posting earlier about how she couldn't wait to get pregnant and tell BM. Who does that? Who does that and then comes back here for sympathy when the BM gets upset and lashes out the very way that this person was hoping for? ATTENTION WHORE much?

Disneyfan's picture

SMDH

He's still married to one woman but is expecting a child with another. SICK SICK SICK

realitycheckmom's picture

Now she is claiming they are divorced but within the last few weeks they were still married and supposedly BM was holding the works up. They have not settled custody. If I remember correctly they are still squabbling with temporary orders. What a load of shit.

lil_lady's picture

You dont remember correctly so maybe you should clarify your understanding. There is a CO they are divorced... SO is moving and taking BM to court again.

realitycheckmom's picture

I just found out I am

Submitted by lil_lady on Tue, 07/16/2013 - 9:53pm.

I just found out I am pregnant... I am very curious/happy for the day I get to tell EVERYONE and witness some good old fashioned BM fireworks I will most like pop some popcorn and wait. Hell I will eat popcorn for 5 days! She doesn't seem to be over BF (he ended it) everytime she breaks it off with a guy she starts trying to communicate with him for stupid reasons... I think it should be a good one.
http://www.steptalk.org/node/161269?page=1

lil_lady's picture

Clearly says I AM PREGNANT and not I was trying to get pregnant for the simple reason that I could shove it in BM's face. Yet another situation where you do not know what you where talking about. And yes I was curious about what BM was going to do and say because she is a nut show! And yes I get a little bit upset when I back off completely from BM and she still hunts me out and screams across her yard to yell at me because I am standing on public property by my car. This was after I sent BM a typical email that she has asked for in the past which because she had a stick up her ass that day she responded to negatively...

realitycheckmom's picture

No no it is common sense and sadly the younger generation is lacking in it. Sad

It is aslo a lack of morals and ethics. She obviously was never taught do unto others and you wish they would do to you (and not treat them how they treat you)

lil_lady's picture

ok instead of sitting there saying what I have done wrong can you clarify what I could do differently because frankly... no I see no problem with going to a trade off getting the kids out of the car hugging them and staying back... I dont hide in my home and not go places because BM is insecure about me having a relationship with her kids.

lil_lady's picture

I go to trade offs because we do things as family and that doesnt change because BM gets upset. If he was dropping them off at day care I would go. My life does not come to a halt and my actions dont change because she cant handle it. I dont go and hand the kids to her I dont go to her front door... I dont even look at her or speak to her. I do what I would normally do in any other situation. Like I said BM does not negate what my normal actions are. And no I dont see the point in hiding in my vehicle like a scared little girl.

That being said you are right about emailing her. I need to separate myself I was trying to be helpful I honestly did not do it to bug her or poke. I can see where it would be seen like that but its obviously not how this works.

lil_lady's picture

I guess that isnt something I brought up so I can see where you guys points of views are with it. BM had asked that we be civil and act civil so that does not happen aka be able to say hello with a smile and not make it awkward. Now I am flying blind because of BM's recent complete personality change in this all. I guess I am used to her flying off the handle then still wanting to have a civil trade off where we all act like friends. It is interesting that she is sticking to her guns that she finally does really hate me though.

Good point though if BM wants to make it that way then I guess I should just stay in the car.

realitycheckmom's picture

Why bother, you will come up with a million and one excuses and just keep provoking BM and then whining to us about it.

You wanted fireworks and you got them. Now you want sympathy and attention from the people here.

This guy was married to this woman until last month. You were trying to get pregnant and were pregnant before the divorce was final. That says a lot about both your characters and why BM is so upset.

You insist on going to drop offs because you are a family. Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that those are HER kids and NOT yours? They are her family and you are just acting like they are now yours. Why don't you try thinking about how you would feel if your boyfriend did this shit to you and some woman was playing mommy to your kid. Would you not be pissed? Before you go all righteous about how you two are going to be together forever take a long hard look at the fact he said the same things to his now exwife and she thought the same thing as you. You could be the exwife and BM one day too. You could get a SM to your baby that is even more of a bitch than you are being.

lil_lady's picture

You are right Echo it was a HUGE mistake... something BM asked me to start doing a VERY long time ago and something we have done with no problems. I wont be doing it again.

She did tell us she had full intentions of being the one to tell SD.

I am not complaining about her little fit about my pregnancy... I am complaining that she would go as far as to loose her mind over a normal email that was sent and then after she was told to stop speaking to me continue to scream at me across her property. Making a scene in front of her children.

lil_lady's picture

You know you would think that but the woman literally kept going SO said something and she continues screaming at me. I suppose I could have turned and gotten in my car but I honestly think that would have pissed her off even more causing her to come to my car. So I just stood there and listened then got in the car and we left.

Jsmom's picture

You should not be having any communication with your BM. NONE...This is what leads to problems. Block her and let him deal with her...Life got easier when DH went to Email only. He even stopped texting, since that was harder to make copies of for court, just in case...

Stay out of this with her and your life will be easier.

lil_lady's picture

We are at email only thats the other reason that her response is completely unneeded. And I will be letting DH handle it. In the past BM had asked me to tell her if SD confided in me. She said she felt as her mother she wanted to hear it from me and deserved to do so. Well if that is her reaction on a bad day she can hear it from SO...

If I dont go now she wins and thinks she is the boss. I do what I want to do on my own free will and am prepared to deal with her attitude I thought what she did was lunatic and I put a post up to say that.

Sweet T's picture

I personally wouldn't go to hand offs if I didn't have to our communicate if not necessary. Don't look at it as her winning but as why subject your self to crazy.

I used to attend all the kids stuff...cuz I thought that I should be there to support them, ( I have been with their father 8 years 7 married) I stopped in the last couple and only attend some stuff...It is awesome to not have to deal with BM or people who are judgy. DH hates it but too bad Smile

Drac0's picture

Shameless self promotion: Sounds like you could benefit from my Sun Tzu blogs!

In short: You are in a very important transition in your life; your pregnancy. Engaging in a battle with a crazy BM will only distract you from what is most important right now. Not only that, but you will find yourself even more vulnerable to this crazy woman's antics should you continue to engage her. Don't engage with her on her terms because you will only set yourself up for even more frustrations. No good will come out of it. Concentrate on enjoying the prospect of your ever growing family....

... and throwing toast with precision and accuracy! Wink

lil_lady's picture

I dont know where everyone gets this he is still married their divorce was finally finalized a month ago and it was drawn out for a couple years... you cannot just get divorced in Canada. You have to wait a year just to file and if one person makes it difficult it could take years!

That being said frankly I dont like sitting in the car. I see it as hiding like I am scared of something I'm not scared of her. I also dont sit in cars if I am waiting I get out and stand enjoy the fresh air. That is just me I do not walk up to her door look at her or say anything I just wait back. If it was winter I would most likely wait in the car.

lil_lady's picture

Yep your right step aside... I didnt even think of that thankyou for the reality check! I might just discuss with SO that I wont go period but if I do my ass will permanently be planted in my car seat.

QueenBeau's picture

I use to feel the same way as you & went to every drop off.

But BM raises my blood pressure. Even on her "nice days' I just dislike her because I know it won't last. I don't like to see her or talk to her.

It just dawned on me one day - she's DH's problem! I dont' have to see or talk to her. She is blocked from calling/texting my phone and I don't go to drop offs anymore. They are an hour and 1/2 away, (3 hours round trip) so if DH ever needs me to go because he is sleepy I will, sure. But I'll be staying in the car. I always did before anyway, BM would just come by to talk asking SD to tell me to roll down the window.

I didn't like going. It made me uncomfortable on good days & on her "I'm a bitch" days it made my BP go through the roof. So I stopped & I blocked her. Now she's all sad & confused at why I hate her. Idc. Lol. She hates the silence & not knowing what's going on with me more than she could ever hate anything I could say to her.

QueenBeau's picture

YES! I am such a kind helpful person to anyone who is kind to me! I wouldn't mind at all. I was giving BM tips on SD's hair (SD's hair is very curly like mine, BM's isn't) and everything. Finally got it growing & looking good. Butr she just kept acting a damn fool every few weeks & I couldn't take that mess. So now she gets nothing at all, no contact, no nothing from me.

lil_lady's picture

So i was thinking about it... thinking about alot of things obvioiusly lol you see my first post and these lasts posts completely different attitude. I want to thank you ladies for that by the way!

I guess the problem here is we did have a civil relationship and I was doing extra because of that. All of the sudden BM has turned a 180 and no clue where its come from. She has done this before but then come the next trade of day she is fine and expects us all to be friends. In the past I have just ignored it no need to cause more drama and bring up that 2 days ago she was complete B$%TCH and now we are apparently friends.

Anyways I just realized she has had this turn since she found out I am expecting. HOLY fire works I got, did I ever. I thought she was going to have a hissy fit do something stupid then calm down. Seriously this has been a whirlwind at the end of the day I am just happy I have some people who have done this and can tell me when I am seriously f&cking up. Thank you for the reality check ladies and yes I will be sitting in the car from now on.

lil_lady's picture

SO and I will be having a discussion about her coming into our home... It wont be happening again.

lil_lady's picture

You would think 2 minutes but for some reason BM finds a need to have extensive conversation even though SO has made it clear he wants email communication and that is it.

I have never texted BM not once. BM asked me to email her about her how her daughter was doing so stupidly I did it worked a couple times but I guess the last time she had a bad day. Like I said before HUGE mistake... not sure if you saw it but I did respond to your previous post.

I guess I am being stubborn about getting out of the car. The reason being I feel I shouldn't have to change how I act because the almighty queen is present. If I was dropping them off at daycare I would get out and give them a hug and bring them in with SO. I hate the thought of bending over so this woman can get yet another thing that she wants.

I do however think that I am a mom now and you ladies are right I need to take care of my child... I will tell you I could feel my BP go up! In the car I stay I guess.

QueenBeau's picture

YEs please do. I mean you'll have to stop going soon anyway, unless you plan on bringing your newborn to the drop offs!! & I would never let BM have the satisfaction of seeing any of my beautiful children.

lil_lady's picture

On that note my SD has somehow magically come up with the idea that BM might want to come see the baby in the hospital.... Now SD is a very loving girl who might have thought this up on her own. I am not sure we are waiting to see where it goes. Given recent events I am not prepared to entertain this idea AT ALL!

QueenBeau's picture

Even without recent events why would you? You will be recovering from child birth, there are people in my own family that I love that I wouldn't want to see! I'll be damned if I see BM.

lil_lady's picture

Honestly I have no desire to see BM the only reasoning in my mind would be that SD really wanted it to happen and far be it from me to disappoint her when she doesn't understand that we despise each other. SD should not be caught up in the middle then again BM just proved her inability to keep her calm I dont need that in a hospital!