Please Leave Opinion on “Being Ignored”
SD has gotten to the point where she blatantly ignores me. I have been trying to handle this in a mature, calm manner. I’m working hard on not letting this upset &/or anger me.
While home, she avoids me at all cost and doesn’t communicate with me other than occasionally say “bye” when leaving. I handle the day-to-day operation of the home, including medical appts., school correspondence, etc. for the children. She recently sent me a text message (even though we LIVE in the same house and she sees me daily), asking me to sign a form allowing her to drive/park at school.
I am curious to hear how other SM’s out there would handle this situation. Would you respond to her text? Wait until she chose to verbally discuss this request (as a mature, almost 18 year old should be capable of) or just deny the request?
I don’t want to respond immaturely, yet I feel I have taken MORE than my share of disrespectful behavior from her. My current attitude is, if she feels I am not worthy of mutual respect and acknowledgement, then she can ride a bus and wait until she is 18 (5 months) and sign her own form and drive to school. Thoughts & comments are greatly appreciated.
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What is the reason for you
What is the reason for you handling all of her school stuff?
My response would be "ask your dad." I wouldnt disagree with what you said about she can wait 5 months either though.
my husband has a very
my husband has a very demanding job. i have always taken care of these type of tasks. when school started, she did verbally ask me to sign the form (u have to go online and login to an acct which my husband has never had/done for school). at that time, i has suspected for months, she had lost her license, although every time i asked her, she was as insistent she had them. i told her, when u can produce your license, then i can sign the form. needless to say, she could not. i did take her about a week later to get a duplicate, after i had the discussion (again for the 1000x) about “honesty.” i explained ppl misplace their license/id all the time and and had she been honest and told me when it first happened, i would have understood and gladly helped her replace them. Anyway, since then, she has continued to disrespect and if ire me. She had not verbally asked or mentioned the school parking pass until recently. And this was, of course, via text. I don’t want to seem petty or immature, but I am just over the whole silent treatment and feel a I have overlooked this long enough. I, nor my husband, would tolerate this behavior from her brother (thank goodness he doesn’t act this way as well). I have an older bio daughter, so I am well aware of “teenage behavior” & I believe with SGD, this is more than that. I do agree, my husband has let the situation go far too long, and with her being so close to 18, he is just riding out the storm for the next 5 months. It took awhile, but he FINALLY recognizes the triangulation and her pathological lying and manipulation. She has now been treating him pretty much the same way over the past year. I will most likely not respond to her text and wait to see if she verbally asks me. I’m sure she will since this is something that benefits her. I do not believe discussing her behavior with her will change it one bit.
Ask your dad
I would be concerned that a parent said no to this. Let them deal with it.
I do not do things for people
I do not do things for people who do not verbally communicate with me.
When she wants/needs something, she needs to SPEAK to you. Let her know that she must verbally communicate with you or it cannot be done. If she refuses, then her father needs to handle all of this for her. NOT you.
^^^^THIS^^^^
^^^^THIS^^^^
"When you are ready to speak
"When you are ready to speak to me a like a person who is caring for you, I will be happy to sign a parking form"
I agree. The issue is, based
I agree. The issue is, based on past experience,she will simply continue her present behavior of ignoring & avoidance, after she gets what she wants. I honestly wish I could simply not let it bother me, but it’s just so blatantly rude and disrespectful. I have had enough of it.
I would just tell her she
I would just tell her she needs to ask her mom or dad, that you don't have authority to sign for her. My SD ignores me as well, and I honestly don't really mind because she's a pathological liar/manipulator, and I really do prefer she just not talk to me over lying about some stupid thing. However, I don't stoop to ignoring her if she asks me something or deigns to actually greet me or ask me something. I might have to be "mean" and say no, if it affects me or my kids, but this shouldn't affect you, so I don't see how saying no is going to do anything other than create more tension in your relationship with her than there needs to be.
I don’t ignore her when/if
I don’t ignore her when/if she offers greetings, etc. Honestly, I try to be cordial and respect the fact she stays to herself, regardless of it being due to hating & avoiding me. I don’t go out of my way to strike up conversations with her any longer, as she won’t engage much when I do. The way I feel is, you can’t MAKE someone love, like or even respect you BUT, you can expect & demand they TREAT you (and others) with respectful behavior. This is my issue. I think if she eventually does verbally ask about the parking pass, I will take the advise most posted and tell her I am no longer taking responsibility for those things and she will have to request her GF do it. If he doesn’t/won’t, then she can wait until she turns 18 and get a parking pass when she doesn’t need parent permission.
Sort of a general minimum
Verbal discourse, such as "hello", "goodbye", etc, are to be expected of people that live under the same roof, between each other. It is to be required, actually. I would not respond, via text. You should respond to her text via verbal. Either, "ask your father", or "would you like to discuss this". However you mention disrespect (she is grand sd, right?) and disengagement, therefore if you wish to continue disengagment, first line is "ask your father". Dont let her treat you like that, rewarding with a response is allowing that.
Let your DH deal with his disrespectful kiddo.
I would go and tell her
I would go and tell her “regarding your text you need to ask your mom or dad.” As for her ghosting you in the house, call her out on it.
Your SGD has made it quite
Your SGD has made it quite clear (regardless whether or not she is correct or in error) that her grandfather is the one who should be over-seeing her.
So let GPa take over. Your husband has put way too much of raising this child into your hands. The girl should be considering herself very lucky she has had you since she was in danger of foster care at age five and GPa and you agreed to take custody and raise her and her brother. You mentioned age 12 is the age she went rebellious against you. Frankly, lots of girls go rather nuts as they enter their teens ... even bioparents own children being raised by the bioparent can become impossibly obnoxious.
You, not being the actual parent (nor truly , as the SGD said to you "not related") are getting it attitude twice as hard.
Talk to your husband. Inform him you have five months left before the girl ages out and you are done dealing with her disrespectful snotty behavior. You've done it all these years for him and she can now treat him like dirt instead of you.
If she needs a form signed, GPa can sign it. An appointment scheduled. GPa can make it and take her if necessary.
All three of the kids have done this at some point
as teens, even my bio. I resorted to texting him just because I didn't want to have to put up with the teen-tude.
Personally, while they are being non-humans during those teens years, I preferred that they didn't talk to me. If they did and were impolite, they knew I'd go off on them.
The ones that are turning into humans now are much more pleasant and speak politely.
Ghost her. You will both be
Ghost her. You will both be happier with no contact. This isn’t a 5 year old child.
My ss is 21 and back from uni every few weeks for the weekends
usually thursdays to sundays. He has not had a conversation with me since i married his dad. Hubby knows it and has given up telling ss to acknowledge me and my 2 toddlers (his half siblings).
he reiterates to daddy that we are strangers, it’s uncomfortable for him to muster a simple hello, that he is incapable of affection to his 2 siblings when all hubby said was it really hurt him that ss never acknowledges them. He just pretends we don’t exist and rolls his eyes.
hubby knows exactly how i feel and i want nothing to do with him. When he came home a few months ago hubby told him say hi to your stepmum, he said he said hi as he opened the front door meaning he said hi to the wall....
i lost the urge to care or give a shit anymore. End of the day, his effed up behaviour is the result of 2 failed parents not parenting their kids properly.
my inlaws see the big difference in my 2 toddlers, heck my 3.5 yr old is obsessed with thanking everyone for anything, even people gettig off the public bus she will say “thankyou bye”, so anytime hubby makes excuses i remind him the patheticness of his eldest 3 and what my 2 toddlers have gained in life skills way beyond skids age...
If I am being blatantly
If I am being blatantly ignored after years of doing for her I'd be done with it and direct her to her father. You stated H works long hours but that shouldn't leave him off the hook from addressing and parenting his child. She doesn't get to ignore you and when she needs something she "texts" you. Tell your H about the request and let him know that anything that pertains to her he will now take ownership of it.
If she can't have the decency to at least be cordial than she doesn't needs your assistance for anything.