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Trying hard to stay disengaged, the car saga continued

JRI's picture

The car saga continues.  SD60 ran into a deer recently and totaled her $14k car.  She had let the insurance lapse so is without wheels.  DH84  plans to buy her a small used car but there are a lot of hills to climb first.

The short-term plan is for OSS to lend SD a pickup truck til a car is found.  We originally gave it to him and he's restored it, kind of like "good ole Dad's truck", he has other vehicles.  But he needs it while another is in the shop so can't bring it til Wednesday.  During his convo with DH today, he gave DH some home truths about SD's drug use, poor judgement and personality flaws.  He doesnt want SD driving his vehicle with no insurance (wisely).  DH managed to listen to him with minimal comeback.  When he got off the phone, I said, "OSS, YSS, the other kids and I dont tell you these things to trash SD.  We tell you because we are concerned about you and you always wind up having to pay to bail her out".  He seemed to be able to hear this today.

 We discussed budget for the car (cash) and I told him I'd have an issue with any kind of payments.  I also told him that he also needs to figure in car registration cost and insurance.

He just got off the phone with SD.  They are going to the tow place today to retrieve some stuff.  DH also needs to hear personally what the next steps are (how/when/ how much SD will be paid for salvage, a title issue, etc).  He asked if I'd want to go, I said no, I didn't want to be more involved.  He begged me to go and frankly, isn't up to understanding transactions, neither is she.  So, we are leaving soon.  To be continued....


Kes's picture

It's good that DH heard the truth about SD60 - whether it will make any difference though - probably not. 

Birchclimber's picture

Oh, wow.  Stuck in the middle again, huh?  The things we do for love!!  I would do the same thing as you.  

At least he's being more receptive to the truth about SD after talking to SS.  Fingers crossed for you today!  Please keep us posted. 

Merry's picture

I'd do the same thing too, just to protect DH. And knowing the whole time that things will somehow still go sideways.

tog redux's picture

I think it's reasonable to engage in order to protect his finances, on a short-term basis. 

CLove's picture

Does SD NEEd a vehicle, or just WANT one? There is absolutely no rush. But yes, with his fuzziness Im glad that you are going with him - more for your sake JRI.

SD22 Feral Forger is looming there in the background. I just cannot see another 40 years of this, but you are a beacon of sensibility...


advice.only2's picture

I understand why you help your DH I really do, but man by helping him you are just perpetuating the enabling cycle and the fact that your DH really believes you will take care of his daughter once he passes is sad.  Were it me I would tell my DH I could no longer help him enable his daughter and they will have to muddle through alone.  

JRI's picture

Oh, believe me, I know I'm helping him enable her.  It's a question of him enabling her own his own (flashy newer car with car payments since she's into status) vs. a small used sedan paid in his available cash.

advice.only2's picture

I do agree with you and have always admired your ability to have such a clear perspective on step life.   I just haven't' reached that perspective yet lol, I would let my DH struggle and have a flashy new car get repoed, which is why I still have a long road of growing.  

caninelover's picture

Its great that he is getting similar perspectives from other people.  Though I doubt it will change his behavior.

I think it is good that you go to manage the transaction but it is also good that he knows you're doing it for him and not for SD.

Good luck and I hope this is all over soon.

CajunMom's picture

I'm fully disengaged so I know where you are but this will impact your home's finances. I'd be present and make sure she got the cheapest car on the lot. And I'd put it in her name so no legal liability on you if she chooses to drive without insurance again. And I'd be clear...conflict causing or not....this is the LAST vehicle.

And to think I'm going to be 60 in a few weeks. LOL


JRI's picture

We went to pick up SD,  I called when we got there but no answer.  So DH went to the door and eventually they came out and we left for the tow yard.  SD's phone wasn't working off and on so she spent the entire time messing with it or talking to people when she could get it to work.  She's mad to her daughter, C, who hasn't been answering and suggested to C's BF to call the police for a welfare check but I know why C isn't answering.

The title will be required to get the salvage $ and I had noticed that the previous lienholder had not released the lien (SD got a car title loan 2 yrs ago, the car was repo'ed and DH had to repay the loan).  I told her about this last week but she said, "Maybe they don't need it, let's try that first".  So, today we learned that yes, they do need a release.  But she was able to retrieve her personal items and tell the tow guy all her problems.  I called the finance company and got the release going.

DH suggested that we go car shopping.  SD first said no, she was tired and had a dr's call this afternoon but on second thought, decided to go, I said I'd go home.  We decided to have lunch, then DH would drop me off and they would go car shopping.  This morning, DH had called our neighbor,  a retired man who had been in that field.   Neighbor gave him the name of a contact at a local dealership.  

At the fast food place, SD tried to reschedule the nurse practitioner call but Google couldn't put her thru.  I dialed it on my phone and she got on.  DH is so proud of all we accomplished today (??) and thanked me repeatedly but I told him she is so very confused.  The Drs office put her on hold and she was on hold at the restaurant and all the way home.  She had asked to borrow some gloves so when we got home, I said, "I'm going to get the gloves but when I come out, I'll need my phone".  DH sensed that I was aggravated so they came in and he said they'd wait til the call was over.  SD said, can't I take it with me?  I said, no I need MY phone.  She started to raise her voice and said, I need MY phone, too.  Luckily, the nurse came on then and she finished up and went outside.

I told DH that she will need 3 things when we go for registration.  My experience with her recently is she needs to be told things early and repeatedly so I told him, remind her she will need 1) both license plates, 2) personal property tax receipt and 3) proof of insurance.  He said, you tell her so I went out and did.  More fumbling thru the bag of retrieved stuff, finally we have both license plates.  She "thinks" she has the tax receipt at home (doubtful) and can't call about insurance til we know what the car will be.  She had hinted at being put on ours and DH said no, even if it were possible.

Oh, and one more thing, we owe $150 for the tow.  I suggested this be paid from the salvage $ but got a dirty look.

I am so tired of dealing with her today.  It's like pushing a big rock up a hill.


paul_in_utah's picture

Your SD is an entitled idiot.  Same with my SOD (Significant Other Daughter).  As an example, when she was having trouble adjusting the shower head to a different setting, she started hammering on it with a full bottle of shampoo.  And almost broke the shower head off the wall.  Because this was the most ligical idea that came into her mind.

JRI's picture

I'm laughing but it's not funny.  I can see my SD doing something like this.  Dont tell me, let me guess, it was ultimately your fault that the shower head would not adjust.

paul_in_utah's picture

At that point in time, she wasn't acknowleging my existence.  I actually get along with SOD ok now.  Our relationship has improved, and I would have absolutely no problem helping her and her child **IF** I was getting more for her mother, my SO.  The attention-rationing has been really painful.  Especially the part about taking on a stupid second job as an excuse to avoid coming to visit me.  I figure she is getting her back blown out by some other guy, I'm working to get proof.  She has cheated on me before, so that is definitely her MO.

JRI's picture

It will be interesting to see what happens when baby comes.

CLove's picture

To give yourself a "good reason" to get her out of your life. AND shes a cheater. 

It sounds like you are bringing things to their natural conclusions.

paul_in_utah's picture

I really think she thinks she untouchable.  She says things that show she believes I care about her way more than I do.  If I go through with Operation Radioactive Slag, she will be FUCKED.  She can't afford to support 2 households.  She will either

1.  have to move in with with SOD, but that would also require living with the baby, TPP (Trailer Park Prince, the baby-daddy, who she hates), as well as the huge dog that SO is deathly allergic to, or

2.  hope her mom lets her move into the spare rooms in her trailer.  This would be cramped as fuck, and she would go crazy being under her mother's thumb.

JRI's picture

That's a shame but when you aren't making an effort to get along with your SO who is supporting you, oh well, that's what happens.  Option 3 would be working full time to support herself like millions of people do.

Rags's picture

Ummm. YOU do not owe shit for the tow. SD does.

Time to let this POS rot.

If you SS loans her the truck his dad gave him, he is sadly exhibiting some of same idiocy that your DH has committed to for so long

Good luck.

Birchclimber's picture

JRI, respect to you for going on this afternoon journey with them and managing to keep your cool through it all.  I would have lost it when your SD didn't want to return YOUR phone because she was on hold. That's just bonkers. 

But the burning question is: did they manage to get a car??

JRI's picture

They went to 2 local dealerships and at the last one, found 2 suitable cars.  They are going back tomorrow and will settle on one, probably.  The finance company has the lien release ready, too.  In DH's mind, we will spend all day tomorrow and however many days it takes running around taking care of this. Because, you know, we want SD to be happy.   But I have a visit to Mom planned for tomorrow afternoon and have Dr appts Monday and Tuesday afternoons.  In short. I'm not stopping my life to solve her problems.  If we can fit her stuff in, fine, otherwise it will have to wait.

One good thing about DH.  He spent years negotiating a variety of issues and I (think) I can trust him to get a decent deal.  Then, go to the bank, on to the insurance issue,  pick up the release and take it to the tow place, make sure she has her tax receipt, then go for registration.  I'm positive each step will be excrutiating, just like its been so far.

CLove's picture

was excruciating!

She is beyond enabled. Well, I see that happening with SD15 now. Its sad because it takes nothing to enable someone to be independent. Its WORK to enable these creatures to be so dependent. But then, if they were idnependent they might go off and leave...and live happy lives..

Birchclimber's picture

Well, I'm just glad to read that you are putting your commitments and obligations ahead of hers and only squeezing her errands in if it works with your schedule.  Good for you.  Fingers crossed that you will get some respite from her drama, at least for a little while, after this episode clears itself.