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Thank you, Steptalk

JRI's picture

I want to thank Steptalk for giving me insights into my dynamic with SD60 and practical suggestions.  She's a bipolar person who has always caused chaos in the entire family's life.  My DH84 loves his only daughter and has always enabled her. .She's been on disability for 7 years and has both physical and mental issues.

Over the past 6 months, we've seen increasingly erratic behavior, all made worse by an accident where she totaled her uninsured car.   We are noticing a pattern where she has upsets monthly, toward the end of the month. These feature emergencies of all types, usually involving a hospital or urgent care visit.

She was here today after the most recent hospital visit to go with DH to the car dealer and Walmart.  She stayed for awhile afterwards and in that time: her bird has died and she cant find it and the smell is terrible, her tire light is on, her back pain is terrible, gas prices might keep her from going anywhere, none of her neighbors will answer the door, her phone isnt working, none of her kids will come and help her, the car dealer isnt following up, she sees the heart doctor Monday, etc.  That was just 15 minutes of it.  After she left, DH84 sat there stunned.  He also mentioned her dental, phone and numerous medical issues.

Steptalk has helped me in two big ways.  First of all, I realize now that my role is as DH84's support, I'm not in a mom position.  Back in the day, when she moved in here at 15, counseling helped me assume a mom role but it's not appropriate now and doesn't work.  But I can help by listening to DH, offering suggestions (many from ST),  and setting boundaries he can't set.  In this episode, I referred the kids' questions to DH, didnt make decisions, drive anywhere or offer unsolicited opinions.  

The other big thing you StepTalkers have done is make me realize that at some point, SD won't be able to live alone and may need alternate housing.  Today, DH and I talked about her deteriorating condition and we agreed no family member will take her in (theft, lying, drug use).  For the first time, I mentioned a group home and he agreed.  It wont happen right away but its on the table now.

 It's hard to watch a family member go downhill like this.  But I'm glad I've got Steptalk and all your wise advice.  Thank you, sincerely.

Comments

CastleJJ's picture

While I understand it isnt an immediate concern, if SD60 won't agree to a group home, you aren't going to be able to just place her there. You would have to have SD deemed incompetent and obtain guardianship to force placement on her. If that isn't possible or if guardianship is denied, you may have to let things for SD unravel on their own. If the situation is bad enough, APS would likely get involved via SD's doctor or another mandated reporter, and then she may be forced to get some help, but until then, you and DH may be powerless. 

Based on what I have read of your blogs, it almost sounds like SD has borderline personality disorder. I had a client at work that sounds incredibly similar to SD. I work with 55 and older individuals through a Medicaid program, helping them obtain in-home support services like daily care, meal delivery, transportation, etc. You could always refer SD to a Medicaid Waiver program in your state (if she has Medicaid) and see what services they can provide to help SD remain semi-indepenent. 

JRI's picture

Thanks for your expert info, I appreciate your input.  I know we can't force her into it, actually, I know she would resist with all her power right now.  But, I see the situation unraveling, its only a matter of time til the neigjbors complain to management. Or, until she has another accident, I won't ride with her, or, many other things which I could easily see happening.   So, yes, wr will have to watch it deteriorate more.  Hard to watch.

CastleJJ's picture

It is incredibly hard to watch. I hope SD can get whatever help she needs. 

Rags's picture

Though a different sitaution, my GM was in a beautiful facility the last years of her life. She thrived.  It was basicly a controlled access cruise ship in a parking lot.  Entry and exit required a door code. Residents did not have the code.  Many were alzheimers, dimentia, or other residents requiring care, and strict oversight.  

They took my GMs medicare and SSI income, we covered the delta from her assets though it was not all that mouch more than her medicare and SSI.  It was truly a beautiful place and my GM was extremely happy there. She had her own small apartment with a "kitchenette".  Which was a sink, a small refriderator, and a microwave. The microwave could be disabled. There was a "restaurant" in the lobby of the facility that was usually a very active social experience for the residents and visiting family.  If a resident did not want to go to the "restaurant"  their meals were delivered to their apartment.

Your SD may have a nice life in a similar place with professional oversight and care that minimizes her ability to make stupid decisons. It may give you and her dad some peace of mind.  My main concern in that case would be the other residents who could be ready victims for her usual crap.

JRI's picture

Thanks.  Something like that, with her own space, might be more acceptable.  When I think "group home", I'm seeing a communal living space which would be difficult for her.  On one level, I think she knows something else is needed.  A few months ago, during one if her episodrs, she said, "I wish I could go someplace where they'd make sure I eat and sleep".  Sigh, its going to be a long journey.....

justmakingthebest's picture

My heart goes out to you. I know that I will face hardships with my SS21 (Autistic) and dealing with his care for the rest of our lives but I think your struggle is more intense. 

My ONLY suggestion would be to have a lawyer consult done now. Figure out if a guardianship would be possible, they are harder to get now that Brittany Spears has been released and so much was brought out from her abuse in hers. 

ETA: That bit about Brittany Spears came from our lawyer when we were thinking about the guardianship again for my SS21. I also wanted to add that social security doesn't pay for proper care in nursing homes. The ones that disability pays for are like living in squaller. Anything decent is going to cost 8K/mo at least. Make sure that your husband doesn't attempt to go down the road with wiping out your retirment for SD's care. 

JRI's picture

Every fiber of my body does not want to go down the guardianship path altho I know it might be necessary.  It would mean more and more involvement with her and I'd hate that.  Sigh...

Rags's picture

if possible.

The parents of one of my childhood BFFs went that route.  To protect their assets they had him made a ward of the state when he was in his mid to late 20s.  His main Dx is Schizophrenia.  The parents built a granny apartment onto their home where he  lives when he is not institutionalized.  His "job" is to keep their property (lawn care) and clean their pool.

Stepdrama2020's picture

I follow your blogs and wowza, you are one strong lady. I am in awe of you. Many wouldve jumped ship, but not you. A lifetime of navigating the step world with calm and class.

My respect

JRI's picture

I appreciaye your kind words.

caninelover's picture

Sometimes having a plan helps us cope.  I'm glad the idea of a home is out there with DH.  Stay strong!

CajunMom's picture

But being prepared is the best thing. "The neighbors won't answer the door." How sad to know people don't want to talk with you. And worse, not realizing it's her own behaviors causing that. So glad your DH was immediately receptive to the suggestion of a group home/facility. From what you've said, this is going to happen sooner than later. I'd begin looking into places. As someone else said, it's a process and can take time. Best to you, JRI. Tough road.

JRI's picture

As she sat there yesterday, her face looked so sad as she recited her woes.  She had tears in her eyes and was 2 seconds away from a crying jag when DH said, "Dont start crying".  She has had 2 good husbands, 3 nice kids, 2 caring brothers and she has *hit on every single one of us.  Nobody will take her calls.  Why?  Without exception, every call is to ask for something, to manipulate someone or to stir up trouble.  She sees herself as a generous victim and truly doesn't understand the consequences of her lifelong behavior.

Noway2b1's picture

The process will be easier to get the ball rolling. I do wonder if the various visits are to get pain meds/prescription drugs. The timing is suspect. Do you think having DH have a real conversation with her about "consequences " yea I know so weird for an 84 year old dad to have to have that chat, but sometimes people like this DO need a reality check of straighten up or THIS IS where you will end up. Especially the victim kind. When reality slaps them in the face that things cannot and will not go on as they have, they then find it in themselves to reach deep and moderate. Or at the very least not go so far off the rails.
 

Perhaps she needs a conversation about stabilizing medication to help her. They've come a long way from "lithium" days and can be very beneficial. I'll message you the name of one that's helped members of my family. 

JRI's picture

Knowing DH, at some point he will say something like, "If you don't straighten out, you'll soon be out of this place and in to a group home".  That, alone, might be enough to shape her up for a little while but I just dont think shes capable of living normaly now.  I think she's too far gone.

Ispofacto's picture

This is going to sound cynical, I know, but...

It seems like she blows her check during the first part of the month, then she needs sympathy to get more.  Her behavior sounds incredibly manipulative.

This is how Satan is, and since she doesn't get anything from anyone anymore, it seems like she's finally learning to budget her measly income each month.

This is a direct result of the coddling and enabling.  Late stage sociopathy.

 

JRI's picture

This is exactly what is happening.  I've thought about it a lot and she could manage if she really watched it.  But, she's got good ole Guilty Dad here.  Just today, he and I were discussing this and he started in with "She was the oldest and the divorce hit her hardest...:"   I said, don't start this COD, she's 60 years old.  But, she always knows she can hit up Guilty Dad.

justmakingthebest's picture

Bad

Still playing the poor child of divorce card 50 years after the fact is BEYOND pathetic! 

Noway2b1's picture

It's likely she could stay where she is but just have the oversight you and I discussed before. This would include her finances being carefully monitored as well and a portion given each week. She may even qualify for a voucher for the rent she is currently paying you and DH. That's the hardest part is finding a landlord that accepts them and well you're already providing subsidized housing. Of course there are hoops that need to be gone through but sometimes there's even funding for the landlord to fix items that will help them provide the housing. 

JRI's picture

I was thinking about your FF last night, how your DH said that if she moved in, she'd get better and have the strength to go back to her bad habits.  I couldsee SD going into a home, getting better then rebelling trying to get back to her own bad habits.  She's down to 96 lb now.

CLove's picture

Havent heard anything about her moving back (SD15/16 is at hr mothers) and its been Golden Peacefulness.

Thats exactly what would and will happen. Never ending drama always.