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A difference of opinion

JRI's picture

We were doing our quarterly financial discussion yesterday.  I reminded DH86 that when he passes,  I will no longer be able to subsidize SD62's shelter expense since it's coming from his Social Security which will stop.  I often tell him this, hoping he will discuss with her so she can begin to plan.  He doesn't usually respond.

Yesterday, he seemed to take it in and asked that I give her a little time to find something else which I agree to do.  The reason is she is the only one who loves him (not) and (get this) I will always be able to depend on her for help.  I'm usually super tactful about her  but I burst out laughing and said she's the last person I'd ever rely on, she's undependable, a grifter and I don't trust her.

He went into a long ramble about the many times she's helped him, only kid who loves him, etc.  I defended his sons but then realized it was useless.  I finally said, well we each have our opinions.  Things were a little cool afterwards but are ok now.

The reason I don't bring it up with her myself is that I don't feel like dealing with the tears and drama.  We did touch on this one time when she burst into tears and ran into the bathroom.  DH turned on me, said what if she kills herself now! (If only,).




BethAnne's picture

Perhaps your husband can set up his will with an "extra" amount to be paid to cover her rent for x number of months? Maybe even to be paid direct to her landlord if she'd likely spend it on something else? 

I just worry you're going to be the bad guy when it comes time to cut her off, whereas if she has the extra money from his estate and it is the lack of his social security that means you can no longer fund her then it isn't you being mean. 

JRI's picture

I dont care if I'm the bad guy.  At the first negative comment, I plan to say, "All I want to hear is thanks for housing me for x years". After that, I dont really care.  And, the rest of his family knows the situation.  If, after DH passes, any of his kids decide to circle the wsgons against me, too bad, sayonara, kids, see ya.

BethAnne's picture

Fair enough. I'm glad that you've got a plan and that you're not going to let her become your responsibility. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If SD's brothers know their sister has been draining their dad financially for decades, they may prove to be a surprise source of support for you. I certainly hope so.

Even if we hadn't disinherited both of my DH's adult daughters, OSD has received so much financial help from us over the years that it would be quite unfair to give them equal inheritences. IMO your SD burned through any bequest long ago.

Rags's picture

My SIL is a crook. She has stolen $10s of thousands from MIL and FIL, MIL's sister, and from BIL1 and BIL1.  She will not ask us because she knows we would shred her and bare her ass in front of the whole family for her shit.

She will experience extreme disappointment  when Aunt and MIL pass. as DW is the executrix for both of their estates and has the duty of care to protect the heirs and recover stolen assets for distribution.  DW was not happy about the prospect of having to sue or press charges against her sister so she requested that the Aunt and MIL stipulate in their Wills that SIL has already received her inherritance on the condition that the equal shares for the other heirs is equal or more than what SIL has stolen.  If what she has stolen is more than the shares of the non crook heirs, DW will have to recover those assets and ... SIL does not get shit for anything.

As I understand it anyway.

PetSpoiler's picture

My MIL constantly worried about my BIL like this.  I think she even mentioned to my husband a few times about looking after BIL if something happened to her. It's her constant enabling of him that partly put him in the position he was in.  He was an alcoholic, wouldn't eat anything, she was always trying to get him to eat, she did his laundry, managed his finances.  He was on disability due to his poor health from smoking and alcoholism.  He got arrested for DUI a few times, she'd bail him out, pay his fines. She got a loan from the bank to pay a huge fine once.  His alcoholism pretty much killed him.  He did sober up a couple of months before he passed away but it was too late.  The damage was already done.  MIL has outlived three children.  My husband is her only surviving child.  BIL died from health issues that he could have overcome if not for the drinking and smoking.  One SIL died from overdosing on pills.  My other SIL had what we think was an aneurysm, so she couldn't help it.  Two of her children should still be here with my husband and would be if not for their own poor choices.  She enabled the one SIL as well, but not as much as BIL.  

Your husband is doing his daughter no favors by enabling her and expecting you to enable her after he's gone. No doubt he will expect her brothers and children to do the same after you're gone.  When is she expected to stand on her own?  When is she responsible for her own actions?  Of course he was afraid she'd kill herself.  She's manipulated him for so long he's got himself thinking that everyone is responsible for her actions except for her, a grown woman with grown children of her own, who have children of their own.  

JRI's picture

Your MIL's situation with your BIL rings so many bells.  DH has definitely enabled her.  Her health is not good, either, and I think shes developing dementia, like him.

I had to laugh when he said I could rely on her.  I never ask her for help but 3 times in the past 5 years, I've expected it.  When my sister died, I thought she'd show up at the wake but no, ok.  A couple days after, we needed help clearing out my sister's room at her nursing home.  We asked her, no show though she's unemployed and has no obligations.  Side note, my OSS and his wife showed up, my DIL using her lunch hour to help!  Then we had that night when we had car trouble and were stranded along a highway, DHi6 and me79.  Even tho he had alerted her that we might need help on our way home, when he called repeatedly, no answer.  So, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions and overlooking her wondrrful wualities,  but my brain is screaming, DON'T RELY ON HER.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Of course you can't rely on her. She will never "stand on her own", her true disability is how she's been enabled her whole life. The stories you tell (going to the ER for her first menstrual period, dad paying to have tattoos removed, continued legal troubles into her 60s, and having her dad pay the monthly expenses the state doesn't cover plus money for "gifts and dog food" which are really alcohol and cigs, etc.) SD can't come back from that. She will always be a burden who causes drama and refuses to care for herself. You might need to make your own plan for how you will handle things when your DH goes. I think SD needs a nursing home, and if she's on disability and welfare, the taxpayers will cover it. When DH does go (not before, you don't want to tip SD off and give her a chance to worm her way into getting the will changed), you may need to have a serious meeting with SD's kids. Hash out a plan. That plan might involve helping SD in a limited way, or you might just cut her off and call adult protective services if she can't or won't take care of herself utilizing her government benefits. Idk. But your DH is even more delusional in his old age than he was in his young age, it sounds like. And he has always been pretty bad. 

Merry's picture

I'm with you, JRI. She can cry and beg and plead all she wants. She can try threats and guilt. The end result is the same--the handout stops. And the more dramatic it gets, the stronger your resolve. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Do you think your DH has maybe lost some of his mental faculties? If so, it may be pointless to try and have an honest, serious discussion with him. You may need to tell him what he wants to hear, then make your own plan. 

JRI's picture

That's exactly what I'm doing, making my own plans.  I bring it up to him sometimes out of honesty but also hoping he will make her fully aware so I don't have to deal with her "shock" drama.  The best I could hope for is her starting to think about Plan B now and not going into the shock-tears-drama when he passes.  I could possibly see her talking YSS into taking over our role. He's a very successful salesman tho I have my doubts about his financial management skills.  He's already helping support 2 adult daughters and has another teenager at home so has his own plate full.  But SD and he have always been close co-conspirators.

BethAnne's picture

My mil is the kind, generous version of your sd. She really is a lovely person but unable to manage money and never really supported herself. Her last surviving parent, her mother, recently passed and now mil is going to be moving across the country to our city. My husband and I plan on helping to support her with her housing. We know that there may be more support  that is needed along the way, but we are trying to set things up so that she is relatively self sufficent... My husband was with her recently and said how little she knows about how stuff works or how much things cost. It's sad that in her early 60's she would severely struggle to survive on her own. Luckily we're in a position to be able to help. 

JRI - someone will pick up where your husband leaves off, if it is her son, then great. You have given so much of yourself to your husbands family over the years that deserve to be free of any responsibility towards them. Do what you want for who you want. 

JRI's picture

If your MIL is a kind, caring person, you won't mind helping.  That's the crux, the type of person.  Good luck.

hereiam's picture

 I bring it up to him sometimes out of honesty but also hoping he will make her fully aware so I don't have to deal with her "shock" drama.

She will still go through the "shock" drama and play the victim. Your husband has done her no favors, enabling her all of these years.

You're going to need a restraining order when your DH passes!

JRI's picture

No joke, I might need a restraining order.  I've already noted the make of her car and license number.  When he dies, I plan to alert the police in case they see her car near here.  She is one to steal everything she can get her hands on if she gets in here.  When her stepdad died, that's what his brother did, probably expected the same thing. He also barred her from the funeral but I wont bar her from DH's.  I plan to visit a lawyer, too, want her eviction to be legal and for all to know I have a lawyer on hand.

Not that I'm concerned, or anything.....

advice.only2's picture

Once he's gone he's not going to know if you cut her off, even if he does whst is he going to do from beyond?  Honestly you have to take care of you and you didn't birth this problem. 

thinkthrice's picture

Often dote on their ne'er do well children while ignoring their good children.

Lillywy00's picture

I think it would be extremely selfish and disrespectful of your DH to expect you to financially support his kid after he dies. 

If he wanted to enable his overgrown elderly kid posthumously that's his job to figure out. 

Both of them are in deep denial and if they don't figure it out soon then that on them. 

Can't remember if you are the one whose overgrown step kid was exhibiting 304 behavior by enticing men with "world famous" bologna sandwiches but ..... she gone have a whole lot of sandwiches to start making to find some other elderly man to mooch off of. 

Unless you have a surplus and want to give to

her .....otherwise that is not your problem, not your obligation

Harry's picture

She runs around untreated.  What do you expect.  Your DH is dysfunctional.  Let's take a Step back fir a minute.  If DH is worried about his DD.  He wood go out get a lawer and set things up. So when he passes everything is set up ready to go.   No he's not doing that . He wants you to take care of it.  Did he say ?   JR. hears $5,0000. Give it to SD to help her out for a few months or did he say ?  JR go find some money somewhere. And help SD stay out from living in her car for a few months  ? 
'GUEST what SD is on her own..

JRI's picture

All good ideas but he seems to be beyond that kind of planning now.  He's hoping for the best outcome and I don't think he can face the idea of SD62 on her own.

thinkthrice's picture

You didn't have a mouthful of beverage:

"The reason is she is the only one who loves him and I will always be able to depend on her for help."

halo1998's picture

nope you will not continue to support SD.  We have a similar situation with BIL....H's brother...aka the meth head.  My MIL/FIL (who himself is an active alchoholic) BIL..they pay his rent, food, utilities, etc.  Poor poor BIL is disabled don't you know and in so much pain.    Reality..BIL has fried his brain on meth/crack/alchohol, lost all his teeth and had both ankles broken cause he owed money to his suppliers.  BIL has also lost all his teeth due to the meth use...but according to MIL ...its just bad genetics.   MIL always tries to get H to feel sorry for BIL.  BIL is so bad he steals money from his own son and DIL.  H and I recently made the decision that we would no longer host MIL/FIL/BIL for holidays since I was sick of them taking advantage of my good graces (H would have cut them off years ago) and the fact that BIL will come into our house and insult H repeatedly.  H would try to play nice, but when he told BIL to knock it the eff off...MIL told H to be nice to BIL...boohoo BIL life is so tragic.

Uhm..NO...Halo found some boundaries and NOPE I will not put up with that crap in my house any more.

When MIL/FIL go I hope my SIL take in BIL...cause WE WILL NOT  and we will not give any money for his care.   All of BIL's heath issues are all his own nope don't feel sorry for him and nope I will not support his lying drugging @ss.

So I applaud you for seeing the truth of SD and setting up your boundaries now.

JRI's picture

The sad part about these toxic people is that their bad influence poisons other relationships, like yours with your MIL and FIL.  Sadly, it's happened here.  DH86 was incensed that his GD, M, objected when SD62 appeared at her brother's job asking for money and causing a scene.  He hung up on her.  

I try to kerp a relationship with M, never mention her mom, just try to keep communication open.  So, she sent me pictures of her 2 little kids, 3 and 1, enjoying Easter.  I showed them to DH86 who had no interest and said he was still mad at M.  The thing is, DH86 is extraordinarily good with little kids, even strange kids sitting in their Mom's shopping carts at Walmart.  It's such a pity his own great-grandkids dont get to experience this cuz their mom had the guts to call out SD's poor behavior.

He just can't stand to hear a negative word about poor, sick victim SD62.