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Annual message: Prepare for Mother's Day

JRI's picture

Mothers Day is one of those potential emotional bomb fields for stepmoms, especially those with the stepkids living with them full time.   In the perfect world, we'd receive some flowers and a nice card with a few kind words.  Too often, nothing. I'm sure none of us are greedy for gifts, we just want some acknowledgment and thanks one day of the year for performing the difficult task of raising a child who isn't ours.

In order to take care of ourselves, we need to prepare in case things don't work out.  Get some food that you love for Sunday.  Buy yourself something you want.  Think of anything you can do that will make Mother's Day pleasant, even if your family let's you down.

For a few years, I felt sorry for myself, felt anger and jealousy toward the SKs who made sure BM had a good Mother's Day tho they didn't live with her and I was the one dealing with all their trauma.  When I started taking care of my own celebration, things went better.  And, as they got older, they started to respond appropriately.

So, Stepmoms, it's not too late.  Plan!  Go shopping!  Happy Mother's Day!


NotMeAnymore's picture

His BM had a meltdown last week because one of my SS20 (twins) doesn't even want to spend mother's day with her, I heard... he rather hang out with his frat friends... that's really sad... the other SS has work that day... then imagine what can I expect LOL... I'm cured for years regarding special dates like Mother's day, Xmas, B-day... my SS's could care less about giving me anything or acknowledging anything... they expect everything for them, but don't care about enyone else... thanks to Disney parenting by my SO and the BBM.

JRI's picture

Well, at least they aren't fawning over BM while neglecting you.  Bozo boys....

Lillywy00's picture

His BM had a meltdown last week because one of my SS20 (twins) doesn't even want to spend mother's day with her, I heard... he rather hang out with his frat friends... that's really sad.

I shouldn't laugh at this ..... but I did chuckle a bit 

Cover1W's picture

It's never just a "day" for the SDs, it's a full on weekend of BM, BM, BEST BM. They used to talk incessantly about their plans with BM. 



MorningMia's picture

Oh yea, Mother's Day in our world was like the second coming of Jesus splashed all over social media for all to see. I've since arranged things so that I don't see it or hear about the very suspect over-acknowledgement and bizarre worship. Meanwhile, SD sent DH a "family calendar" with "family" photos (read: not me) and birthdays listed throughout the year of everyone's but mine. That was a long time ago. DH threw it away. 

JRI's picture

I'm sure you felt like throwing up.

MorningMia's picture

I'm surprised I didn't. I think much of the behavior was done for my and DH's reaction, anyway--to emphasize where he/we stood--so I just stopped looking. 

floralsm's picture

Thanks JRI! Happy Mothers Day to you! I successfully convinced DH to text BM and come collect her children so my family won't have to deal with their rudeness on Sunday afternoon. Probably won't get a mention from them, but I'll be happily celebrating with DH, my mother and sister and my two little babies. Good riddance toxic skids, go to the pub and watch your haggered POs mother get drunk with her toxic mother. I'll be happily celebrating at home without them this year and I'm so happy. 

JRI's picture

They'll be gone for a day.  Our BM never managed to take them all for a day once she dumped them off.

JRI's picture

That's how I feel about grifter SD62.

Little Type Amy's picture

Pardon me for butting in Smile New poster, long time lurker here. Thats the only gift I really want ( and did receive actually for Mothers Day ..which is nothing new and I have no issue with it) after last weeks Blow Up and Situation  with SD29, ( my blog so far lends clarity not to hog the attention unlike SD does)  so I reallly want to be cautiously optimistic that I finally got my wish and her "threats" to stay far far away from me  actually Sticks for good this time,...praying on that 

JRI's picture

I hope you will post more.  This site helps us all.

Little Type Amy's picture

I definitely intend to! It was difficult at first , trying to process all the craziness and the emotional aspect to it. And not meaning to be a creeper, but  my almost 30 SD so far is on track to be like yours about another 30 something years from now. Not that the writing wasnt on the wall a crystal ball! I know you've been through it. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

I may or may not get a weak text message BUT the day is FULL of wonderful activities with friends in similar situations. I could care less after years of pinning for some acknowledgement of taking care of everything, financing their lives, and doing the things the BM didn't do. I will be having a blast and swimming in the sunshine - phone will be on mute. :D 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

The karma bus is coming soon. They cried to daddy about my happy social media posts, so I blocked them. 

JRI's picture

Sounds like youve been thru it all, too.  Have a great day!

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Oh yeah @MorningMia - this day is for US to celebrate ourselves. I hope you've got a little umbrella on your drink too. 

CajunMom's picture

Thanks for the "heads up" post, JRI! As so many of us have "been there, done that," it helps to SEE the truth in words so we can prepare our hearts.

Me? I finally am past that "hurt." In fact, I do NOT want any recognition from DHs kids on Mother's Day. I don't want anyone to think I had anything to do with their raising. That's on their BM and DH. LOL

CajunMom's picture

and for the record, it took me near 15 years to be able to say what I say now. Not an easy task, especially for the sweet young SMs coming into this mess. Thanks for pointing that out. Hugs!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

So many of us have literally "stepped in" due to the serious lacking of a craptastic BM. Kudos to us!!! 

TBH, it used to bother me that there was no acknowledgement for all I did. Then I realized this was one more example of "Opinions Only Matter If You Let Them. We know we went above and beyond so any opinion claiming otherwise and lack of acknowledgement can kiss my backside! *give_rose*

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Thanks, JRI! I am very fortunate because 10 years ago, I was fighting to save my marriage. DH was a Disney Dad, BioHo was a nightmare, and the skids were all pitas. *crazy*

Lillywy00's picture

Thankfully I don't have to deal with Disneyland Dad treating me like the lowest rank on the totem pole by catering to his d0mestic t3rrorists and layaway plan pr0stitute on what IMO opinion should be a day for stepmothers, new wives, etc to be catered to primarily as well. 

2 mothers days ago, the skids invaded my territory,  demanded my now ex spend our household money on their beastly breeders Mother's Day gifts, then left with me cleaning up after them because DisneyDad is too pu$$ified to rightfully ask them to clean after themselves


This year I'm declaring a peaceful, abundant, and productive Mother's Day where I'm only cleaning after myself 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Happy Mother's Day to all the stepmoms. May your day be free of rude skids.

My 3 adult kids are coming over today to spend time with me. xoxoxo

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and those who mother others. ((hugs))

RockyRoads's picture

We will have the SKs early in the morning to have breakfast with my MIL(who no one wants to be around) and we will take the SKs back to their moms. The kids won't do anything for me as they don't even do anything for their own dad on Father's Day.SO will get me a card and I think he bought me new running shoes. He does it like it is from our fur babies and he also says it is because of what I have to put up with from this kids, etc. 

Cover1W's picture

Father's day with YSD involves a half-assed homemade card usually (although sometimes she spends time on it but not always). Then I arrange everything for DH.

I'll never forget that one Father's Day morning where YSDthen10 and OSDthen12 did this big breakfast spread and I walked in to everyone eating, absolutely no place setting for me. I said, "Oh that must be nice." Then left the house.

JRI's picture

I bet they really cleaned up, too.  Lol.

JRI's picture

I'm pretty sure we all gave it our best shot.

Elea's picture

BM loved to pawn the step-diablas off on us on all the major holidays and school breaks Xmas, T-giving, Spring break etc ...

Mother's Day was the only day that I was more or less guaranteed that she'd show up and keep the SK's so that she could take all the credit. On the positive side, that meant a blissful day of no diabla drama for me!

Diablas don't have the common courtesy to even say "Happy Mother's Day." I don't expect them to think of me as their Mother. They have a "Mother" but I am a Mother and it wouldn't kill them to just be polite and acknowledge the day the same way one would acknowledge the day for any woman that is a Mother.

My DH brings me breakfast in bed and flowers. My BK's are super sweet. It's nice.

I feel for SM's that don't get any acknowledgement. SM's should join together to do something special for other SM's on Mother's Day. SM's deserve acknowledgement and are people too!


PetSpoiler's picture

My SS, aka Lying Ingrate, claimed that he thought of me as his real mother.  That I was there for him where BM was not.  Sweet, right?  If only his actions matched his words I would have believed him.  Five years ago, it was pretty obvious that he was in fact lying.  I understand that he is not obligated to me in any way, so it's not that I feel entitled to anything.  But five years ago, I get a text saying Happy Mothers Day from him.  That's it.  A text.  Couldn't even spring for a card.  Yet he and his She-Devil wife drove right past my house to pick MIL up to meet up with DH's flying monkey older nephew and his wife to celebrate Mother's Day with MIL.  A month later he wants to take all of us out for Fathers Day.  This was only the second time he'd done anything for Fathers Day.  The year before, his wife's father had passed away.  I'm convinced that that is the only reason he acknowledged DH at all.  Her father had died in May.  

She-Devil was pregnant and all through the pregnancy and after she had the baby, he was bombarding dh with texts and videos.  But yet he thought of me as his mother and wanted me to play grandma.  No pictures, no texts, no videos. Had he no knowledge of group texts?  If he had been sending us both videos, etc, I would have believed him.  If he was making any effort with me whatsoever I would have believed him a tiny bit.  I helped raise him.  His mother dumped him on our doorstep because she didn't want him living with her anymore.  I didn't have to do anything for him.  I could have left.  I could have stuck around but told my husband, you wanted him here, he's your problem, you deal with anything concerning him.  But I didn't.  

This Mothers Day will be spent with my husband and our two kids, and maybe a little snuggling with Princess Popcorn the guinea pig, who is having surgery this coming Tuesday.  Maybe a phone call to my mother.  We'll see her in a few weeks. My daughter will probably have to work tomorrow.  I will spend it in peace knowing that I don't have to suck it up and deal with the Lying Ingrate and the She-Devil.  They are out of our lives hopefully for good.  If my husband chooses to ever speak to them, he will have to see them somewhere away from our home.  I doubt that he ever will because I won't be involved.  

JRI's picture

When you mentioned them bombarding DH with pictures but not you, it made me think of my YSS, father of 3 girls.  They lived out of town so I didn't expect much interaction with the kids or pictures.  I had some from their young days displayed, they were about 5 and 3 at the time of the pictures.  As the girls aged, I didn't get any til I asked DIL if schools still took pictures at which time I received some of them at ages 11 and 9 which I used to replace the others.

Flash forward to the death of BM's husband when OSS was in charge of readying their house for sale.  He asked if he could temporarily store some sentimental items that SD and her daughters would want.  Included were deep box after box of professional- grade photos of the girls at all ages, they were about 20 and 18 then.

So much for granddaughter pictures for us.

SMto2's picture

My SGDs are 11 and 9 and we've never received a single school picture. In fact, the only professional photos I have of them is from one Easter probably when they were 6 and 4 (before I finally gave in and gave up) where I bought them outfits and arranged and paid for a photo session with a professional photographer, took them, and purchased my own pics. I'm guessing  both BM and SDIL's mom get school pics every year. This just piles on to why, these days, I refer to them as "DH's granddaughters." Perhaps someday I'll have my own grandchildren to love and spoil, but this is not them, and I'm so glad I no longer have any illusions otherwise. 

AgedOut's picture

This Mother's Day will be spent on my couch with my books and my controller. And I'm perfectly fine w/ that. The Mr is going to go to a flea market and normally I'd go too but I've had to use my hip a lot the past two days and I'm not pushing my luck. I have replacement surgery in early July and I'd like to remain mobile-ish until then. My kids, both married will probably call and the younger might drop by but the older has some kind of bug up his tushy so I''ll let him get over it. I might hear from my SS and that will be nice but I came into his life at age 7 and we are friendly but he should celebrate his mom and his soon to be MIL. I'm mellowing I guess, if none of the three call, that's okay too. 



JRI's picture

Sounds like a relaxing day.  Best wishes on your hip surgery.

Hastings's picture

SS13 has never acknowledged me on Mother's Day and I'm totally fine with that. I'm not his mother. Never wanted to be. These days, he pretty much ignores my existence, which suits me just fine.

What's interesting, but nice, is that the person who does acknowledge me on Mother's Day is my MIL. She sends me a card and a generous check. I've told her it's not necessary, but she says she knows my situation can't always be easy and she wants me to know she appreciates that and the good example I set for SS (whether he follows it or not). (She loves SS, but she's fully aware he's a brat. We only see her a couple of times a year, though, so any influence she could have is limited.)

My MIL has her issues, but, over all, I lucked out.

JRI's picture

What a great MIL!

SMto2's picture

Great reminder and ideas, JRI. Mother's Day can be so triggering for SMs. After 25 years of being a SM, I know my SSs 30 and 28 will do absolutely nothing for me, and I won't hear from them, so there's no expectation. In the early days with DH before we had bios, even though we were only EOW with SSs, it truly hurt to be ignored on Mother's Day, since for many years, I dropped everything for SSs and treated them like my own at every visitation. It was clearly DH's fault for not recognizing me back then on their behalf. However, BM was so high-conflict and territorial of SSs I think he was afraid. After my bios with DH came along, I never had to worry about that and don't care about SSs on Mother's Day. I just add that to the reasons they are not major considerations in my life.

I hope the SMs on here with SKs full time who are not BMs and won't be recognized take your advice and take some time for themselves tomorrow anyway. They deserve it!

JRI's picture

It's a tough day for the newbie SMs.

StepUltimate's picture

I have no bio's and I divorced my xH and associated xSS (now 24), so no more stephell Mothers Day issues for me, thank God!

I'm driving 1.5 hours to my hometown tomorrow to take my mom to lunch - asked her earlier this week to select whatever restaurant she'd like. After that I'm visiting friends I grew up with at their parents house in my hometown; that couple has been telling me "We love you StepUltimate; you're always welcome here" since we were teens. Really grateful.

Rags's picture

For us, this has been a long distance and even international thing for decades.  We do a call to each of the moms.  SS called his mom, we talked from our Rental Car after breakfast with my brother and his family. We were at my nephew's (bro's youngest) University graduation. A fun 4 days.

A good nearly 2hr talk with SS though much of it was discussing SS's unfolding medical issues. We are hopeful that this does not end  his military career and if it does, it gets him full medical retirement.  I'll update in a blog on that.

DW called my MIL and we had a good talk with her and with DW's Aunt. They are the prototypical widow sisters navigating the first phase of their retirement years together.  No cats. But... you get the picture.

We called my mom while we were touring around Boulder in the 6ish hours before heading to the airport. Mom is a rockstar mom and gramma. All 4 of her GSpawn had already called her... before either of her own sons had. Yep, she used that to full "give us a ration of shit" advantage.  She was big time teasing, but, there was an underlying message of course.


HMD ladies. Regardless of what flavor of mom that you are. You are important.  Thank you for what you do.

Give rose

CLove's picture

Husband left early in the am with Barnical Buddy to go buy a new-to-him used car. I spent most of the day in jammies. Fed the critters, fed myself, tried some strawberries, did some transplanting, watered the new backyard lawn I have been coaxing along.

And then finished the re-watch of sex and the city seasons. Was tired and depressed. Called mom and she didnt want to do anything sunday so she made plans for tuesday (tonight) at a local favorite restaurant.

Husband, before leaving, gave me ca$h to go do what I wanted while he was gone.

Hope everyones weekend was wonderful.