Lobsterfied
My wife works on Saturdays and so I'm home with my step-son... cleaning the yard, the kitchen, the bedroom... I am. He's of course locked in his room only to venture out to heat up some wings then to hurriedly make his way back to his room to do what 12, almost 13 year old boys do in their room.
We're about to go out for a really nice dinner that my company is paying for and he of course decides now he would like to go over to his cousins house to play video games. I very gently explain to him that we are about to go out to eat and he says, "well, can't you pick me up over there?"
I tell him, "Were going somewhere really nice so you'll need to have time to take a shower and put on some nice clothes. So think about it for a few minutes while I change." I venture off into my bedroom to change and there's a knock on the door; "{Journey}, I texted my mom and she said I could over to {cousins} house and then you can pick me up when you leave".
I say".....Ok....." and he goes to his cousins, just a jump and hop from our house.
I text my lovely wife explaining to her that he hasn't left his room all day and has had plenty of time to go to his cousins...
Haven't heard back from her.
This happens a lot. The kid gets on my nerves sometimes for sure, but its his mom, my wife, who is the problem. Me? I'm just sitting here looking pretty and trying decide if Red Lobster would be just as good minus two people.
Eh, no worries. I'm sure it will all be great in 40 or 50 years.
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Eh, just got into a big hoo
Eh, just got into a big hoo haw with her bout it and a bunch of other crap. Starts with "I don't understand why your mad, so? he wanted to go to his cousins we can pick him up" and ends with "if I want to be touched I can find someone to touch me" which of course exploded my brain and I said something about her saying that kind of thing to me, her husband and then about moving out or her moving and then changing it to I'm staying but I'm gonna act like a father and her saying No your not!
Now she's out driving around somewhere and I am sitting here once again with my foot in my mouth. Still ticked off but unsure what the hell just happened. See? I piss people off by the boat loads. It ain't just ya'll.
Thing is, its not even that he wanted to go to his cousins just when we were gonna go out, its that he texts her and she doesn't even blink an eye before texting him an affirmative back without the thought even crossing her mind that maybe she might want to talk to me about it first.
And now we have all this crap out there...and no telling where its going from here. I'm sure we'll get it worked out. We'll go back to our normal denials and let it fester again until it all shoots out like a white head.
I dunno. Sometime I think I should just move back to Alaska and just work those 36 hour shifts again. I'll sleep in the bunk house and just send her the money.
Alright. I'm shutting up now. I need a cigarette.
The problem is, and its why
The problem is, and its why I have an issue with this whole "disengaging" philosophy, is that I consider him my son. I've felt that disengaging would do more harm than good. My wife loved that about me. Until it came to where we disagree on what steps to take in his life. She grew up with no male figures in her life. A grandmother, mother and two sisters is all she had growing up and she has no understanding of how to raise a boy.
Her biggest concern for him is that his feelings don't get hurt. Whereas I see him having the potential to be and do anything he wants in the world if he can just get past the teen years unscathed and with a few guidelines in place. He does what he wants and that's not good for him as he grows into a man. He will expect the world to move out of his way instead of trying to earn his way in life and work for the things he wants.
She doesn't want him to even ever leave the house when he gets older or get married. She already gets jealous if he has "girlfriends".
I love my wife and I love my son. And I feel, as just a simple step-dad, that I have to choose one or the other.
I'm kinda of to the point now where I will have to just disengage completely if I want to save my marriage. And it will break my heart to sit by and watch him grow into a self-serving mama's boy with no work ethic and no boundaries to make decisions by.
Holy good graces! Are you
Holy good graces! Are you somehow married to my BF? Just kidding, Journey. I don't know how long you've been with your wife & her skids (and how long you've been "putting up" with scenarios like this), so I'm not sure how to help with your specific situation. I can tell you mine and maybe you will relate. My BF & I share 50/50 joint physical custody of his kids (SD15 & SS12) with BM (his ex wife). You have literally described a typical conversation/situation that happens with us - all. the. time!!! What is scary is that there are WOMEN out there that have the same response as MEN (my BM, anyway)...the old "oh just let them do whatever the hell they want" (not the exact language, but you get my drift). For example, SD15 will say "can you take me to Julie's (her friend's) house now?" (while BF is not home to take her himself, of course) - and I'll be in the middle of something or actually have my own plans - SINCE IT'S MY ONLY DAY OFF - and I'll nicely tell her I can't & why. I'm also thinking in my head "perfect time for her to STUDY SINCE SHE JUST FAILED 2 CLASSES THIS QUARTER!!" So she'll just walk away and text or call BF & he'll say yes to her, then BF will call me and say "can you just take her to Julie's for me?". I USED TO SAY NO OR DISAGREE and say to BF "but she just failed 2 classes, shouldn't she be studying instead of having yet ANOTHER sleepover at Julie's?" and he just says "that's OK, she can go. If you can't take her over there, just tell her to either get a ride from Julie's mom or ask her to ask BM to pick her up & bring her over there...it's only 5 minutes away.". WE USED TO get into arguments over things like this...for the first 2-3 years of our relationship, anyway. I got smart from years 3-6 and just DISENGAGED, because for some odd reason, many parents feel the need to "guilt parent" after a divorce and just let their kids do whatever their pretty little heads want to do, NO MATTER WHAT. So now I either WON'T stay home to "watch" the skids if he's not home, or I just do whatever is most convenient for ME & MY SCHEDULE for that particular day (meaning, if I happen to be home and can do something they ask me to do, I'm happy to help...if not, or I'm busy, I don't). It's that simple!! YOU ARE ONLY TREATED THE WAY YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED!! So go enjoy your lobster dinner!! Don't even waste one minute letting SS control your plans, or even worse, get you in a bad mood - it's NOT WORTH IT!! When in doubt, just drop the skid off at his BF's house or something (is that possible in your situation? I guess I should've asked that sooner...). Sorry for how long my post is - I got a little carried away! It's nice to hear a male point of view in all of this, by the way. I hope I've helped. Good luck, Journey!
Journey it sounds to me,
Journey it sounds to me, that your wife doesn't want you to fill the shoes of 'father' You saying your gonna act like a father and her saying oh no your not. This is a BIG red flag to me. Stop your expectations of this kid. Its obvious your wife doesn't want you to call the shots cohesively with her. What she says is law to this kid and you can't change that without resentment on her part.
I know you want to have an active role with this child but if your wife is not supporting you , you can't. She will fight you tooth and nail and be defensive about her son.
Next time he wants to go to his cousins, its fine!, Tell your wife, stepson wants to go to cousins, ok, he stays at cousins , and you guys go out to REd lobster Alone!!!! Dotn include him. He was given the chance at a specific time to get ready, since he chose to go to cousins, that is his choice. You got upset because he wasnt' getting ready to come as a family? Dont. Leave him out and go with your wife. When he wants to come , he'll come. Teenage boys dont do the family thing...its not cool. Take advantage of alone time and let him go to cousins. Nothign wrong there.
It sounds to me there are also other underlying issues at hand with your relationship that you haven't said here. Every situation is very detailed..sooo...not sure you like the advice i gave you.
The advice is fine. Thank
The advice is fine. Thank you.
Life is too short to let
Life is too short to let teens ruin your evening. Let him go wherever, smelly, while you actually ENJOY your dinner, even if it is by yourself-!
I LOVE Red Lobster-!! and would eat and have eaten, in any restaurant, by myself if that is the only way you can do it-!!
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"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers
The cell phone would either
The cell phone would either be missing and or broken and there is zero way I would provide transportation.
Journey - you are So honest.
Journey - you are So honest. Stepaside has a great advice,as well as many others. I wish I could give you advice but I'm looking and searching myself. This stepparenthood is a whole other deal, I thought no one knew or felt what I was going through. Personally,. I would have been SO happy if SS would decide to go ANYWHERE other than with us! }:)