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DH flip-flopped, I am upset: What to do?!

StepUltimate's picture

So I commited Crimes Against Disengagement today and asked DH about when SS is moving out, because so far today, SS slept in past 9:30, and brought our new movie to his friends house to watch it, then return so DH can take him driving. In my car. That's not even why I'm pissed!

I am angry because DH says, "I want to help MY SON" but has no answers on HOW THE EFF is it "helping" an 18 year old whose ONLY requirement for continuing to live here is to be enrolled in community college and pay own gas & insurance. Semester begins next week and SS18 has no license, no car insurance, and has not enrolled. Therefore, as I reported discussing with DH last week, DH needs to kick him out. But now?

DH came at me today with "I WANT TO HELP MY SON. HE NEEDS MORE TIME." Total flip-flop from last week. Also tried to accuse me of several things (being too rigid, making everything about me, thet I just want SS gone... the usual from what I read on ST), but none of it stuck. I stayed calm, told the truth, asked WHAT POSSIBLE benefit has come or WILL come from continuing to enable SS to skate & just party his $$ (SS has a p/t job) away with no responsibilities or accountability for anything, including driving & education?

I am already offended at DH being SILENT on SS's lack of contributing around the house (every 2-3 weeks when SS randomly empties the dishwasher wow, is that supposed to be sn impressive contribution?) since high school ended over two months ago. SS comes & goes as he pleases, often gone for days at a time, his room is a smelly nightmare (last cleaned 2 years ago by me & DH during SS's vacation to visit his cousins... that was my idea & tickets purchased by me). 

DH actually just returned (silent treatment) after like 10 minutes... guess the "driving practice" was just another opportunity to drive SS to his friend's house. Way to get chumped again, DH. How about you blame me for that too?!

I am upset that DH flipped, and told him it's a 180 from his position last week, when our discussions encouraged me so much (I posted on the Teen or Adult Skids forum, forget which). Today I told him I'd overridden all my instincts and boundaries to step back & trust DH to keep his word, but IT'S APPARENTLY NOT ENOUGH because now SS18 "needs more time" and DH needs to "HELP MY SON" but to me, that's code for SH*T NOT GONNA CHANGE" and I am NOT down with that!

<<Aside, my apologies for the all-caps. My soul is screaming in frustration, and I need to write it here so I don't lose my cool with DH. He's been baiting me with the vloomy silent "nothing's wrong." treatment. I've known he's been depressed for weeks about the evident path SS has chosen, but now wants to go back on terms we agreed to, put in writing, and published on SS's door back in December 2017: The timeline and sequence of the Launch Plan...

Eff the paranoia and need for anynonimity for a moment: I get paid nicely to do editing, layout, graphics, photography, web, social media, recruiting, business development, and competitive pursuits for a very successful firm and have done this for over a decade. I try to stay humble but have to report that my graphic timeline with goals - each goal had 3 bullets of specific tasks needed to successfully reach those goals. Graduation, Driving, Military, and Phone. It is my InfoGraphic masterpiece, prophetic & accountability-documentstion, with kick-ass icons & color palette. >>

I hate it that I have come against my husband. I do not want an undisciplined and uncorrected young man with zero responsibilities being enabled to continue to do nothing here. I love SS18. It is appeasing him, not helping him, lo offer him another 6 months of this lazy, entitled lifestyle.

I'm angry my DH lets SS disrespect him, me, our home... just because SS is charming doesn't nean he's not w lazy, manipulative young man who refuses to take BABY-STEPS (like in what about Bob) toward adulting.

Don't do a 180 and then blame me for having trouble trusting you.

I need to tell DH "You're gonna break me if you don't keep your word" but grabbed my phone to type it out here, instead. Just then, DH walked into the room and said, "I'm not gonna break my word." Then sat down next to me and detailed his concerns about SS living with BM. I asked what makes DH think SS would spend anymore time over @ BM's house than the less-than-24-hours-per-week he's spent here since graduation? No answers. I further pointed out that SS18 is tall, confident & independent with an attitude and a mouth, so does DH really see 5-foot-nothing BM gonna terrif6 little billy into a cowering bundle of tears? Hell no, he'd do exactly what he does here & bail after delivering some kind of victimitis-infused Last words.



Don't keep asking to not talk about it but then follow me to the room I went into to get away from you so I could write about it since you don't want to talk to your wife about it! (OMG he literally xame out here to the garage to tell me I don't have to sit out here in the heat and can come watch the new Avengers movie with him). 



thinkthrice's picture

Backslide.  Know it well!!!   


Lady.Tremaine's picture

Possibly not letting DH use your car? Just be honest you aren't comfortable with an uninsured driver using it? 

hereiam's picture

Your husband has himself to blame for being in this predicament. His son is 18 but is obviously not mature enough to do what he needs to do on his own, so it was your husband's responsibility to make sure SS did what he needed to do. Some kids are naturally responsible, some are not and have to be prodded. Your husband is failing his son.

SS may be 18 and legally an adult but he still lives under your roof and your husband has allowed him to f^ck off all summer. If he didn't want to kick his son out, he should have made sure that he would not have a reason to. Obviously, SS cannot be left to his own devices, he needs his ass kicked along the way.

Your husband has not done that, so I have no sympathy for the, "I WANT TO HELP MY SON". If he wanted to help him, he would have. SS would have his driver's license and he would be enrolled in school. If he was so concerned about SS living with BM, he would have made sure that SS did what he needed to do to stay in your home.

Consequences. Both of them need to feel them. In real life, 6 more months is not always an option. You do what you need to do... or else.

I love dogs's picture

Great response. I just can't get on board with these "kidults" nowadays. 18 and no license? Can't sign himself up for community college? Come on..

elkclan's picture

I thought my life was OVER when I couldn't go the testing office on the very day I turned 16. I didn't want to spend a single day without a driving license. 

My SO is alredy worried that my son 11 won't want to get his license at a reasonable age. I think he's right. My son refused to learn to tie his shoes until OSS taught him, has refused to learn to ride a bike (SSs will be teaching him this week because they want to go on family bike rides). But the car thing is a worry. Especially a worry in that we live in a global city where you can function without a car.  SO is also worried that BS will want to attend university in this city (many great unis here) and my ex is still trying to influence BS to attend uni where my SO teaches - which I dread!!! I can see BS choosing that uni and it's a great uni, so it's not an issue that way, but he'd be popping round SO's office for stuff, etc which is not the point, and living at home. Which is not the point of going off to university. 

fairyo's picture

Oh my I am so sorry you have these two useless individuals in your life. To me they seem enmeshed and you seem heroic in your efforts to show yourself as the supporter of them both.

DH does not see his son as an adult and never will- to him he is the child and DH loses his parent status if he allows him to grow up. I've been there and in the end instead of being broken by it I left and my life is transformed. 

Your final comments remind me of how TheX was on the day I left- he had admitted his kids would always come first, refused  to say if he still had any feelings for me, and told me for the third time that he was planning to leave me. He then went out shopping, came back and asked what I wanted for dinner??? I will never understand these men or their rdiculous ways and have nothing but admiration for you for sticking at it- but I don't think it will get better. Sorry.

StepUltimate's picture

I was crying yesterday when I posted that, and kept writing even though I had changed rooms (DH kept following me, even to the garage). It all came out of me, sadness at SS not doing what he needs to & DH being the guilty daddee frozen in fear of losing bis baby to BM's evil control. I pointed out (as it was happening!) that DH gets to say things like "SS is not going to do the right thing" because he wants go "help my son," but when I day the same exact thing about SS not doing the right thing... it's an "attack" on SS. 

I resent BM for how much she's wounded DH & SS in the past, and resent how her evil b.s. continues to haunt our family. DH is an amazing man who loves his son, and I told DH it's so hard for me to watch SS disrespect DH because it makes me lose respect for SS (for being disrespectful) and lose respect for my DH (for falling for it and/or not correcting with a consequence or anything). 

I saw the two of us in the same house 6 years ago when DH told me the whole saga of BM and how he needed to rescue SS by going for primary custody. At the time, DH waa weeks away from homelessness (DH's then-trade was brutalized in the economic downturn) and I overrode my instincts and told him he could move in & study for the 1st certification exam in the profession DH now enjoys and thrives in (he's studying for his 4th-level certification now and enjoying the pay he's currently at with his 3rd-level certification, so I'm very proud of DH for his initial and ongoing success with the career-change!). I helped with everything and was by my DH's side in multiple court hearings for custody and, down the road, child support. 

I could see DH's pain and it's amazing how his Sympathy for SS18 is all about guilt and continued fear of BM. Toward the end of our initial convo yesterday before I gave up and started blogging on ST, all DH could repeat was the I WANT TO HELP MY SON, without being able to qualify what's so helpful about enabling SS to run his own show with zero accountability (given the results, which is where we are now) or how it would be "helping" to continue to enable the current party. DH then brought up, "What if BM refuses to let SS live with her?" and I pointed out that while she could, A) SS would just stay with the friends he's already staying with most of the time, Dirol my suspicion is BM is playing the long game & gonna try to manipulate SS out of his CS $$ because she HATES being forced to pay to the extent that she's evading CS with a cash-under-the-table job. DH asked me, Don't you think I've thought of that? and I had to tell him No, I have no idea what you're thinking about SS because over a year ago you cut me off as a co-parent & stopped requiring SS follow the rules we'd issued as a team but you as a Guilty Dad decided were stupid when it came time for Guilty Daddee to enforce them and SS played victim. How he'd let SS triangulate ME into the bad guy & SS the Perpetual Victim Who Must Be Coddled & Enabled so he doesn't run back to BM crying. So No, unsure if DH thought of BM playing the long game, but I've looked at SS & her communicating regularly via phone & text these days but SS does not call or text me, so why should his stuff occupy our house when SS is hardly ever here, doesn't talk to me unless we're in the same room, but chats it up with the BM on the regular? DH had no answer for that because it's true. 

DH also told me SS doesn't think I love him. I knew that's just b.s. and told DH he can't have it both ways: I'm either the most loving, kind, "more of a mom than BM will ever be" SM who has done years of good things for SS and loves him like a son (including being willing to tough-love him out of this house since SS hasn't even tried to meet the requirements), -OR- I'm cold-hearted for not wanting to continue the current enabling if SS. My track record is irrefutable and I have met or exceeded all commitments as a StepMom; in no way do I deserve to be gasslighted into allowing SS to continue his post-high school partying during the Fall 2018 semester instead of taking classes. I pointed out SS has had since May 23 to register for Fall 2018 classes, and said I'm betting SS isn't aware that Spring 2019 class registration begins in September (next month). I challenged DH if he really sees SS doing anything different if not forced to, and pointed out how the last time went for DH when he tried to "force" SS into doing something necessary to graduate high school. That time, SS spent 45 minutes debating DH, then bailed & never did the required thing (beyond getting a teacher to lie and sign off on a form that SS completed the required tasks).