My husband doesn’t have a score card. There is no 1st or 2nd in his book… the kids and I are on equal and all encompassing ground in his heart and I believe that’s how it should be. I will say that he makes sure to let everyone involved (BM, skids, in-laws) know that our relationship comes first and he won’t take any shit as far as that’s concerned.

I HATE when people start assigning metals in relationships…
The skids get the gold wile poor step mum settles for the lowly silver….
(or bronze in some sad cases) just sad.

I have been accused of being jealous of SD15 by my DH too, I have to agree with you what I am feeling is not jealousy at all. It is resentment, not towards SD but towards DH. It usually comes up in our house when I have any kind of issue with anything she is doing. I tend to believe that that is his way of putting it back on me so he doesn't have to address the issue. Not saying that is what is going on in your home though.

And when I told him that I am not buying it and that I know that this trip is not for us but its for her he brought it down to the Jealousy issue.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ok, I gotta ask. Why would you do this??!! I may have reacted the same way. What would he have to do to prove to you that you are number one. It kind of sounds like he can't do anything good or you will say it is for her. Not picking, jsut trying to see the reason behind you telling him that.

Maybe he doesn't, as you say, put you first because his 5yr old daughter should come first. She is a child who needs the guidance of her parents and she may act out, but she is a child. You are the adult, and like or not, his daughter is not going anywhere any time soon. I completlely understand your feeling of resentment, which I think is almost normal, especially if you have no children of your own. You will never be able to come between his relationship with his daughter, so instead, why don't you try to make the best of it and "join" the relationship. For instance, who cares if his intentions for the vacation were mainly for his daughter, it's not as if he said you couldn't go. If you "pick your battles" you may get more accomplished than you'd think. Also, if he sees that you are not nitpicking his intentions for instance, he may see that you are making an effort and things may change for the better.

Here is what I would do

Realize that SD is not the person you should be angry or frustrated with. She is a 5 YO spoiled princess because that is how her parents treat her. Allow 1 on 1 time between DH and SD. You go get a mani/pedi, drinks with friends whatever makes you happy. Plan 1 on 1 time with SD and start making SM/SD traditions. I use to take SD to the Nutcracker every Xmas season. When DH was traveling I would invite SD over for a GNI - girls' night in - we use to have a great time!
And don't forget to plan 1 on 1 time between you and DH - no kids allowed. If you show DH that you respect his relationship with SD and that you are building a relationship with SD - the boy will be happy. Finally, you must tell DH straight out that you and he are the adults/parents and that partnership is the foundation for the family. Again, if DH knows that you respect his relationship with SD and that you are building one with her - he should be more open and listen to you when you tell him what your needs are.

When traveling with small children on an airplane we are instructed that in an emergency we should place our oxygen mask on first before assisting our children. This same strategy should apply when raising them. It's not jealousy... it is the right thing to do.

All children, and particularly those that come from broken homes, need to see healthful adult relationships.

What's the point of marriage?

Okay, I don't understand why everyone is jumping in the band wagon of the SK should come first. I totally disagree with that. My marriage to my DH should come first so that the sk will learn what a healthy relationship is all about. Why does a new partner need to feel excluded from time, or activities that their DH or DW has with their children. That just gives a child the impression that they are above the SM or SF in their biological parents life and that is not right. Our children are going to grow up and move away and if we do not make our marriages the #1 top priority, when they do leave we will have nothing. Not only will our children be gone but by that time we will have so much resentment towards our partners for feeling left out and ignored for the majority of our marriages because their children had to come first. Total BS, their needs may come above ours when it comes to food, shelter, and clothing but their emotional needs are no more important than ours as their spouses.

Well said C8C12.

I think I understand how you feel. I don't have young stepkids, but my DH will still occasionally make commitment and plans (skid related or not) without asking me and it makes me crazy. In fact we were talking about it at lunch today and DH says he tries his best not to take me for granted or make commitments without asking me first, but sure enough not half an hour later he did it again. Damn.

You might be feeling excluded from the decisions he makes. I mean, if this was a weekend getaway for the two of you, why would you not be involved in selecting the location? If he wanted to take his daughter to this place, why would he not just say that's what he'd like to do and hoped that you would come with them? I think you're mad because he was trying to manipulate you into doing what HE wanted to do. That's not what a partner does.

Sounds exactly what we SM's hear -- jealous of stepkids defensive dribble from DH. All smoke and mirrors to throw us off track from the real issue: Disney Dad. Forget about the dotting husband they want to be Disney Dad first & whenever possible.

Actions speak louder than words.

I would show DH that I was confident enough in the marriage and my role in it. I would step back and allow him 1 on 1 time with his daughter. I would also work on my relationship with his daugther....baby steps if necessary. Find a girl movie that you could both enjoy. I introduced my SD to the Anne of Green Gables series - she LOVED it. We would pop popcorn and watch it together. I love to cook so SD and I would cook dinner together and have a family dinner with DH. You could also suggest a family night/day with a hike, movie, board game etc.

And be sure to set up a date night with DH too.

Great example - If my skids are away, DH doesn't do his grocery shopping that week. Because food/drinks aren't important for DH & I, just them? Same for trips -- if skids aren't interested than he doesn't see need to go anywhere. And school attendance? Don't get me started... Even when he first came home from surgery last winter he perked up the 1st day & started waiting on them when it should have been the other way around & driving them before he was supposed to drive. Made me sick.

I don't know if your DH is like mine, but when trying to talk about something that he is very touchy about, it is like trying to put out a forest fire with a glass of water. It doesn't work. My DH and I also have very different ways of communication and he likes to play the blame game or the one up game. I have found that before I go into a conversation with my DH in regards to SD and issues that I have with him and I, writting a letter for him to read a day before usually helps. I include a lot of I words. I then give it a day to set in. This way I can explain myself without having to defend myself and my feelings. It also gives him a day to cool down and enter into a conversation without all the emotion. We got this idea from our time in counselling. It is getting to the point that we don't always have to do this anymore. It still helps when there is a major problem, but for the little things we have learned to communicate more effectively.

Yes, I do suggest that Dh and his daughter spend time alone together

He may complain at first but if you also spend time together as a family and you spend time with his daughter and you spend time alone with DH - it should balance out.

You could try explaining to DH what you are attempting to do. But if he is like my DH - the eyes glaze over and the ears close when I try to talk "relationship". Maybe you need to do the family thing first, go on a hike, movie whatever then thry the 1 on 1.

You don't see many DH's on this sight saying things the other way around. I am one of these DH's who is resented for adoring his children. You say resented but it is a very fine line between resentment and JEALOUSY of a child.IS it the competition for his attention or time or should they disregard the cild they previously had prior to your relationship. A child who probably was more than content with not having to share their parents attention let alone share iot with someone who might try and make DH feel guilty for loving someone other than you( their child). As I said I am one of these DH's who is resented and have been for more than a year now and if I am in the position where I'm made to feel as if I have to chose between 1 I have a moral and ethical obligation to as a father and 1 I have a choice to be with or not to, it would be a very tough and cruel decision to be asked to make, and very dissapointing result. I do need to ask how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Chong, the question isn't about choosing one over the other. It's wonderful that you adore your children, and I assume you also adore your wife. The problem for many stepmoms is that we are sometimes invisible and inconsequential when the stepkids are around. We expect to be equal partners in our marriage, but frequently decisions are made without us for the sole purpose of accommodating the stepkids. And frequently those decisions are based on guilt. We get tired of being ignored when the stepkids are around.

As an example, my DH and I both have adult children, and I really struggled the first couple years of our marriage when DH would jump at any chance to accommodate his kids, including spending money we didn't have so that he wouldn't have to tell his kids "no". One real big eye opener for him was when I came home from a doctor visit with news that I might have cancer. I was very upset as you might imagine, but one of his kids called on the phone and he interrupted our conversation to take the call. I hear them laughing and having a good old time while I'm left alone, scared, and now resentful feeling like a casual conversation with his kids is more important than a life and death conversation with me.

We worked through it and he had no idea that he was being so cold toward me until I pointed it out. I know the man loves me but there have been many times like this when his actions indicated that he loves me when it's convenient and his kids aren't around, and I couldn't accept that. (He no longer allows his kids to control what he does and doesn't do, well, pretty much.)

So that's what this is about. Stepmoms want to be wives and partners. We want to support our husbands' relationships and time with their kids,we really do. But sometimes it feels like we're the ones doing all the giving, and all we get back is resentment.

I was told very early on that my BF daugther would always come first...I accept that and I deal with it. It may not be a situation that is ideal but I love my BF. He is good to me but he does not put me first in his life. As she is getting older and isn't around as much....I think he sees that there is a great big world out there besides catering to a spoiled, demanding child. BF is totally consumed with trying to make her happy....the other day he actually said that he realized that there is no pleasing her no matter what. Because she isn't clung to him 24-7 as much I think he sees the picture a bit more clearly than before. Baby steps indeed but progress. Hang in there....your love will pull you through.