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Damned if I do, damned if I don't...

JerseyGirl1970's picture

Long time reader, first time poster...

    My 20 year old SD absolutely hates me, hates that her father has remarried and does everything in her power to interject drama into our marriage. 

   Her parents have been divorced almost 15 years now and although her mother's affair had ended that relationship and she moved on and got remarried several years before I had even met my husband, but the way that she treats me, you'd think that I tore it apart with  my bare hands. I'm at my wits end and have disengaged completely a few years back but her attempts to divide and conquer never seem to end.

   She's  currently away at college and living with her boyfriend a short distance from the campus. My husband pays her tuition, car insurance and gives her cash whenever she asks. She's playing house like an adult but bears none of the financial responsibility that should come along with making adult choices. I say nothing in that regard. Not my money, not my problem...

   Every single time she's home from school, she gives my husband another one of her guilt trip ultimatums, like she feels that he chose me over her and that she feels uncomfortable around me and that his house no longer feels like her home. We have  been together for 8 years and married almost 4 and although I used to put forth an effort in trying to have a relationship with her when she was younger, I wised up since then and don't do anything for a person who harbors such animosity towards me. 

  In July, as she was preparing to move upstate to play house with her boyfriend, my husband invited her over to dinner, in hopes that we would be able to put the past behind us and move forward without any further issues. Not sure what he was thinking because first thing, she came into the kitchen where I was cooking to let me know that she felt that her father chose me over her and that she felt that I replaced her in her father's life . I let her know that a father's love is completely different and she needed to understand that she wasn't her father's partner but his daughter and if she was feeling that way, maybe she needed to see a therapist to deal with her emotional incest issues. 

  She stormed out and told her father that she was leaving but sat in the driveway crying for 3 hours in her car while my husband was trying to convince her to come back inside. He had come in a few times during those 3 hours, telling me that I was right and agreeing that their relationship was probably too close and then going back outside and coddling her. The next day, he was completely different towards me, telling me that he wanted a divorce so that his daughter would be part of his life...

  I was completely over 8 years of being the other woman in my own marriage and having his adult child call the shots and agreed to not contest the divorce and go away quietly for the sum of 20k so I could  replace the material things that I had to give up when I gave up my house and furniture to move into his house that he had for 25 years. I made arrangements for my sister to come up from down south and get me so that I could start a new chapter of life closer to my family. 

  3 days before I was scheduled to leave, he had a change of heart and asked me to stay and work on our marriage. He felt that while our relationship was good, he struggled with the fact that his daughter and I didn't get along. He asked me to try to establish some sort of truce with her via emailing back and forth to find some sort of common ground and maybe she would be able to see the good  qualities that I possess that made him fall in love with me in the first place. I was skeptical at best that it would change anything  but reluctantly agreed.

  I sent the first email, kept it short and let her know that because it meant so much to her father, that I was willing to try and move beyond the past. She agreed in 2 words.

  The second email occurred right after we got back from a weekend  at the beach in August.. My husband had her come to check on his dog and while she was here, she took the opportunity of nobody being there to go through the closets in her old bedroom and in our master bedroom, judging from the doors left ajar when we returned. Because of her past history of having sticky fingers and helping herself to my things, everything of mine was locked up in a spare bedroom and not accessible to her and everything salvageable that she abandoned from her old room was packed in boxes in the locked shed outside so she came away disappointed. She texted her father and asked if I threw everything  away that she left behind, so when we returned, I emailed  her to let her know that her useable stuff was boxed up and I would be happy to get it out for her whever she was ready to take it away and also because of the amount of opened food left in her room when she moved to her mothers house at age 17, we had to clean it up due to having mice and ants. (Totally true and I sent pictures that I took at the time because I had a feeling that  it would eventually come up...) She replied with 2 words : Ok. Thanks...

 The holidays are  approaching quickly and I mentioned to my husband that I was willing to sit out the holidays just so I don't have to deal with the inevitable drama that she always seems to create and he told me that he wanted us both there and why don't I send her an email with an updated  picture of my pug that and wish her a Happy Halloween. I refused since she doesn't seem very interested in any sort of dialogue from me judging from the very sparse replies to the 2 emails from me and no emails that she initiated herself. I told him that email works both ways and I'm just not going to  kiss her ass and reach out again, because I really don't  care if she likes me or not. I tried and she's clearly not interested and I'm just not going to force myself on her. If she was interested in a truce, she would actually initiate some of the contact herself . I didn't break it by myself and without any effort from her, it won't fix itself, either.

  I'm back on the shit list again because I told him how I feel, that I dread the holidays and her drama and that I want no part of any of it. I would prefer to entertain my children and pug at home while he keeps up traditions and appearances at the in-laws house without me.

  He acts like I'm the problem but trying to coexist peacefully with her throughout the years has gotten me nowhere but being villianized and I'm no longer open to trying.

Advice?

 

Comments

grace8205's picture

Sorry I dont really have any advice for you.

It will never change by the sounds of it. I can't believe that he asked for a divorce and "3 days before I was scheduled to leave, he had a change of heart and asked me to stay and work on our marriage. He felt that while our relationship was good, he struggled with the fact that his daughter and I didn't get along."

If my DH threatened divorce and things were in motion I would not stop it I would have already resigned myself that it was over. You can't unring that bell. 

StepMamaBear6's picture

I think it was Dr Phil (who I don't watch, but someone repeated it to me) who said, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

That is a question you should ask yourself.  Does it cost you anything to send her an email of your dog and a Happy Halloween note?  If she doesn't respond with more than "thanks," you can say to your hubby, "Sweetheart, I tried.  She has made no effort and I see the holidays being filled with drama.  Wouldn't you like to enjoy your holidays rather than mediate a dispute your daughter has with me -- because I have none with her -- or do you want me to be with you so bad during the holidays that you are willing to forego peace and tranquility during the "peace on earth, goodwill to men" time of year?j  I love you.  I CHOOSE you.  And I can help you NOT have to choose between your daughter and I during the holidays by sitting this one out.  It doesn't mean I don't love you.  It doesn't mean I don't WISH we could all celebrate together.  It really is a gift to you on my part."

I ALWAYS try to take the road that makes me look the best.  If it also happens to pull out the ugly in my DH's kids, well then, that's all on them.  But he can't be unhappy with me if I try and it is rejected.  And it doesn't hurt you to be rejected by his kid.  For it to hurt you, you'd have to care about having a relationship with her.  Once you don't care, that is the moment you gain the upper hand and you have peace.

justmakingthebest's picture

Can I just say that you are my hero?

"I let her know that a father's love is completely different and she needed to understand that she wasn't her father's partner but his daughter and if she was feeling that way, maybe she needed to see a therapist to deal with her emotional incest issues."  --- AHHHHMAAZZING!!

 

I think you have done all you can do. You gave your DH terms to walk away. He seems like he doesn't want to pay that while he is paying for his kid to play grown up. Keep reminding him that communication is a 2 way street. You will be happy to corepsond with her the next time she emails you. DH can keep bouncing back and forth in exhaustion over the BS.

As for the holiday's... maybe you can plan a trip to see your family for Thanksgiving- invite DH but if he doesn't want to go, go yourself. For Christmas, rent a cabin somewhere snowy and secluded and have lots of fireplace naughty time. Skip presents- take a trip! 

 

tog redux's picture

My advice is to re-pack those bags (don't forget the pug), call your sister, and move down south.  He wants to have his cake and eat it, too.  He wants YOU to repair the nonexistent relationship with his daughter (that she refuses to have), because he's too spineless to tell his daughter that while he loves her very much, you are his wife, that isn't going to change, and the coddling is over. Get on board or get out of the way, daughter.

You've tried. You aren't the problem. HE IS.  That isn't going to change. Don't give him a second chance to propose divorce (because that's coming).

Siemprematahari's picture

I truly feel for you because you have tried to come to some sort of common ground with this spoiled 20 year old and you can't seem to get anywhere. Your H wants you to keep emailing her not realizing that his daughter wants no parts of you. She needs therapy and your H needs to get his head out the sand and deal with the facts. From the looks of it he has never addressed her and your position in the family as his wife for fear of losing her. He's playing both ends and destroying you both in the process.

You are right in disengaging and I would never email or talk to her again not even for my H. It's like he's ok with you continuously getting abused by this bully and that's not right. He's not being supporting or sticking by you and that's a problem. He's upset because you don't want to be a glutton for punishment so what does that say about your H and his committment to you?

Let him be pissed off and you know what you can remind him that the offer of you leaving with 20k is still on the table because this is abuse and manipulation at its finest. Something has to give darling and its not you.

 

Survivingstephell's picture

Why is he making YOU do all the work? Why isn’t SD required to do any work to fix this?  You can’t fix anything when you have nothing to fix.  DH’s inability to recognized the message SD keeps giving is the root of all this strife.  SD made it clear she saw you as the interloper. DH should have set her straight then but didn’t.   Stop trying to fit into his fantasy.  

If he wants this fixed then dump it on him to fix with SD. This is not your responsibility. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your DH came in the house, said you were right about SD's behavior, but then said he wanted a divorce so he could have his DD in his life? 

I would have just given him what he wanted. 

That would have been it for me. Good riddance to any man who is so spineless he lets his poorly behaved daughter manipulate him to do what she wants. He doesn't deserve a wife.

Then he begged you to take him back as long as YOU tried to have a relationship with his piece of crap daughter? 

What exactly are you getting out of this?

I could never respect him again. Ever.

Ispofacto's picture

My kids tried some of this stoopid sh!t briefly when DH and I got together.  I say "briefly" because I shut that crap down, and fast.  Adult kids will test boundaries and they need to be given healhy limits.  Now my 3 adult kids love DH, and everyone gets along.  Because I expected nothing less.

Your SD has poor boundaries and no limits, and her daddeeee is coddling her.  Your joint marital assest are going to supporting this ungrateful, entitled princess.  The onus is not on you to make the spoilt little chit like you.  Shame on your "D"H for allowing her to steal your things, create drama in your home, break into your house when you were away, invade your privacy, cause you emotional turmoil, and then play the victim.  She has some serious mental issues.

You deserve better.

 

 

ndc's picture

Honestly, I'd go back to the previously negotiated divorce agreement and move on.  You're in a no-win situation and he already let you know pretty clearly who his priority is, and it isn't you.

Dovina's picture

With the above posters. Take him up on his divorce offer. Let him cater, snivel, and work on a relationship with the rude, entitled princess all by himself. I echo in the statement he does not deserve a wife. Remember a wife should always be second to none. 

He has set his mini wife up for failure by letting her think she controls daddys life. That means a lifetime of this nonsense. 

 

Meezer's picture

How does your SD treat her BM's husband? Does she pull all this with her  too? 

notarelative's picture

Daughter is wrong. Daughter isn’t wrong. He wants a divorce, but when he realizes you will actually give him one, he doesn’t want it. 

If you want to stay with mister whiplash, make counseling part of the condition of staying.

 Before you tell him that you are reinstating the previous divorce agreement, see a lawyer and be sure you are getting a fair settlement. Don’t let your desire to get away from his attachment to SD blind you to fairness for yourself. It may be fair. It may not be fair. 

 

JerseyGirl1970's picture

  Her drama will never end and he will never ever demand respect for me nor will he allow me to demand it for myself from her. 

  I guess deep down, I kind of already knew the answer but wanted to be sure that others were able to see things from my perspective and it wasn't just me being difficult.

  The saddest thing is that my husband really is a good guy but he has no balls at all when it comes to her and standing up for our marriage. I have his back but he doesn't have mine. Not sure how I ended up here because it wasn't the destination that I had planned...

  I'm going to sit out the holidays with his family and be selfish and at peace with my pug baby and whichever of my children that don't have to work. 

 Thank you for listening.

 

Healyourslf's picture

DH has continually asked you to tow the emotional line. You are wise to let him have the rope. It's all he needs to hang himself. You are not selfish for wanting peace of mind, you're absolutely sane and value yourself. More power to you.

Continued involvement in this triagulation will just exacerbate the issues. Their enmeshment is not your doing or your responsibility. It is up to your DH to create boundaries and stand by YOU.  He can't do this because it means breaking away from SD and apparently she's his lifeline. Your marriage's fortitude is not predicated on DH being "a really good guy" - this is a character rationalization that does not support his poor choice-making and vacillating behavior.  

I met my SD24 when she was 19. After years of showing kindness, being accommodating and loving, her behavior only became worse.  Any act of concern or kindness resulted with intensified manipulation and malice because she saw these actions as a weakness, not a strength. SD's ultimate goal was to make DH "choose" and she was overconfident in her manipulations. She got her wish, albeit it backfired.

When I came to that "stay or go" crossroad, I knew I wanted a marriage that made me a priority.  I gave my DH the ultimatum. The one and only reason that I stayed is that DH proved that he has the backbone and ability to CHANGE.  Once I gave him the ultimatum, he shut down SD's behavior, disengaged because she showed no desire to change, and put the responsibility fully on her shoulders - financially, emotionally and everything in between. In your case, SD was the one to give DH the ultimatum and this is proof of the pudding that the enmeshment runs deep. AND, he has given the woman-wannabe the power of decision-making..."telling me that he wanted a divorce so that his daughter would be part of his life..."  As long as SD pulls the strings and DH enables, no relationship he has or will have will weather SD's control. 

These hateful, manipulative SD's who are developmentally arrested in "princess" mode have layers of issues that will not resolve quickly or may never resolve, particularly if their daddy's continue to enable. It's unfortunate that your DH can't/won't untangle the unhealthy dysfunction.  The issues start and end with him.  Don't waste your time and energy on who/what you cannot change.  Change yourself.

You 100% deserve to be in a relationship that honors you and puts you FIRST.   "High five" to you for putting yourself first...do what is necessary to make YOU happy and create peace of mind for your future.

 

 

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

I wish this had a "LOVE" button! You nailed it!!

If I were OP, I would trash the hubby and spoil that adorable pug.

marblefawn's picture

Yes, sit out the holidays so you can enjoy them.

If you aren't ready to chuck the marriage, tell him you insist on marriage counseling.

We had/have the same situation with my SD. It was awful. But counseling helped. It didn't fix SD, and it didn't make my husband stand up to SD, but it helped some day-to-day aspects of dealing with SD. And when I finally disengaged, my husband didn't say a word against it. He can't after a counselor told him he was allowing SD to wreck our marriage.

If you think you could manage the marriage if you disengage from SD, give counseling a try. It won't fix your SD, but it might make your husband see it's OK to be happy with you and let SD find her own happiness.

Harry's picture

Is your DH. He is not addressing his DD. And putting her before you.  That the problem you must solve 

Kes's picture

Welcome to the site, JerseyGirl!  My situation was kind of similar to yours - I have 2 adult kids now in their 30s who are respectful of, and have a good relationship with my DH;  and 2 younger SDs in their early 20s who have ALWAYS hated me, due to the BM Pas'ing them from the ages of 5 and 7.  

DH wanted me to get along with his daughters, and put some pressure on me to do so - but in the end he saw that I was not able to overcome the prejudice against me and now I think feels some guilt that he repeatedly threw me under the bus for the sake of appeasing his entitled snowflakes.  

Your DH sounds quite a bit more extreme than mine was and unable to see that there is little you can do in the face of such hostility and dysfunction.  I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation - it sounds very uncomfortable.  

Jojo42's picture

JerseyGirl,

Hello.  I am somewhat knew here so forgive me if I don't know all your details from previous posts.

As I was reading your post I just kept seeing in my mind, "my 20 year old SD".  As being a somehwat newer member, I am just blown away by how many posts are about stepparents dealing with young adult step children.  I thought they grew up and had their own lives to lead as adults??? It's very disconcerting.

I feel your frustration.  The answer for what your next step should be will probably come to you in a moment, like an epiphany, and you'll know what to do, probably when you've really had enough.  I also suppose it wouldn't hurt to have to take an extended stay with your sister for some reason other than your situation with your husband and SD, just to get away from the situation and see it from a different angle. 

I wish you the best.