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Husband just does not understand my point of view............

itshardbeingastepmum's picture

How to make your husband see that his perfect little prince is NOT a perfect little prince! I just do not understand what is so difficult to parent your child into the way of life by having boundaries, discapline etc. Why at 10 years old is it unreasonable to ask them to tidy the mess up in their room, am i being completely unreasonable?! Surely at 10 years old you are capable of doing this? My husband said he would take on the responsibility of doing it because he does not feel it's fair to ask him to do it?!  Come on!!! This has been happening for a long time now, hence the frustration and the untidy room is just the tip of the iceburg. Thing is, my husband doesnt do it! I have stopped doing it and I just close the door now because I simply cannot be bothered to argue. He tells him EVERY visit to tidy up after himself and he doesnt it, am I unreasonable for saying "are you not PO having to tell him the same thing over and over without getting PO about it yourself? The fact that he completely disrespects our house and house rules?"

Apparently I am in the wrong and I am being unreasonable thinking a 10 year old should be capable of this???

Help

 

Comments

beeeeeeth1376's picture

Had a similar discussion with my fiance about SD7. 

She kept telling little lies and directly disobeying simple commands. I sat my partner down and explained that this kind of behaviour wasn't okay and if we had children I would be going crazy if they did that. 

He eventually caught on that I wasn't messing around and being serious and he has started to move to listen when I'm asking her to do something in case she ignores it. 

It's taken nearly a year but we've eventually got there (I think) 

itshardbeingastepmum's picture

Are you comfortable telling her to do things etc?  I just feel like he will get upset if I say anything, he knows I am a lot stricter than his own Mother & because he's so flipping sensative and babyish I just dont know how comfortable I feel. I am always the bad guy, just because I put my foot down and will not allow BM to control our lfe and what we do, she has an opinion on EVERYTHING, DH's family put this kid on a pedastol, dont get me wrong they are equally amazing with our BD but she has alot of more about her, she's very independant, she knows what she wants, she is 2 going on 16 lol but she is just the best! Where as he behaves like a 2 year old, I just dont get it one bit!

tog redux's picture

He understands it, and he knows that it's not unreasonable to ask a 10-year-old to pick up his room, he's just afraid that if he's an actual parent to his son, his son won't want to come over anymore.  If you take over as the New Sheriff in Town, the son probably won't want to come over either. So if BM is the type to withhold SS, or allow him to refuse visitation because there are rules in your house, either one of you setting limits will cause problems.

I'm not saying that's a reason to allow SS to be feral, but that's probably what your husband fears. Instead of saying that, he tries to make it seem as if you are just unreasonable.  So do you push the rules and stoke your husband's fears, possibly causing SS to refuse to visit; or do you just let it go, close the kid's door and let DH be the parent - that's up to you.

itshardbeingastepmum's picture

BM is definitely the type to contact DH and say he's upset because one of us has told him off, for example, she doesnt discapline him at all, when he is naughty at home she rings DH in a rage and expects DH to tell him off for something he's done on her time, then SS gets upset, she demands he has to come over to ours, SS worried to then come and then she blaims it on us and doesn't send him?! Where is the logic in that! I'm just at such a loss to get through to DH that feeling guilty all the time, and too scared to parent him is not doing the SS any favours at all. He knows what I am saying is right but is so pig headed about SS that he wont admit it.

To be honest - I think we are fighting a losing battle nowadays...........

tog redux's picture

The sad part is that he's hurting his son the most with his lack of parenting. And that kind of selfishness would be hard for me to live with.

Lili B's picture

You've just hit the nail on the head of this same issue I've struggled with. SD14 & SS16 rule the house, talk back, have no life skills, no respect, etc. DH refuses to implement even the slightest boundaries and expectations (when they're here it's like his "best friends" are here so he lives to please them, except their the kinds of friends who treat others like crap, fully abusing/weaponizing his guilt). Just like you said, DH fears that any rules or expectations will make skids not want to visit anymore. (Totally irrational based on our situation.) So, we (adults) all walk on eggshells and I take the "back seat" in silence so he can ensure the kids happiness over all else. I knew it felt unfair, but it's only just occurring to me that it's totally selfish- not just to me but to the kids. They're absolutely going to fail to launch, because he would rather have them happy with him. And our relationship is on the brink, because he would rather have them happy w him. Immediate satisfaction? Probably. But hugely selfish and unfair to everyone involved in the long run. 

itshardbeingastepmum's picture

You're so right, unfortunately he doesn't see it that way,

ESMOD's picture

You have two different things going on here.. "how do you get them to see their child isn't perfect" and "The child doesn't have any responsibilities and isn't taught to clean up after themselves."

Children can only be expected to do or behave as they have been taught.. it's not the kid's fault that their parents have not taught them to do things. YOu think that a child that age should be capable.. but that really only applies if that child has been brought up with slowly increasing levels of expectations.. it would be like me expecting you to speak fluent russian when you have never gone over the basics of that language and had years of increasing learning.

So.. the other issue is does your husband want what is best for his child.  Obviuosly, it's important for parents to teach their kids life skills.. like making a bed.. running a vacuum cleaner.. tidying up.. because they will need to do this for themselves as adults.  

There is also the  matter of hygiene and cleanliness.. if the room is fetid with dirty laundry and food dishes/remnants.. that is a health issue.  And... while you can close the door on a messy room.. one that is rotten is a different matter.

Maybe you and your husband need to have a small talk about why it frustrates you that he doesn't seem to be teaching his child like you were raised.  That you think it is hurting the child to not learn to be more responsible.  You aren't expecting the kid to scrub the bathroom with a toothbrush.. but making their bed every morning and putting laundry in the hamper and clean clothes back in their own drawers.. putting a toy away when they are done.. those are simple expectations and you don't understand why he objects to the thought of his kid performing any of those tasks... no different than expecting he will wipe his own hiney and brush his teeth twice a day.

It may be that as a NCP he feels he doesn't want to "fight" his kid while he is visiting.. but certainly, he can be doing these things in cooperation with his kid.. for a while he may need dad to help him.. show him and participate in the habits.. then he may become more self sufficient.  In the AM.. "Ok buddy... let's make that bed up.. and help him do it".  When laundry is done.. bring the pile in and hand things to the boy and direct him to hang up.. or put in drawers.. helping along the way.  etc.. 

 

itshardbeingastepmum's picture

Dont get me wrong there isn't food or pots being left, it's just clothes strawn from the wardrobe onto floor, he gets things out to look at them and just leaves them all over the floor, leaves a wet towel on the floor in his room after showering, despite DH telling him to hang it up when hes done. It's not really through my DH not telling him, he isnt a) consistent in telling him and b) doesnt get cross that he has to remind him repeatidly, every visit to do these things.  I am not running a boot camp or anything but surely, as you've stated, we show these kids the life skills to go on to be respectable members of the community, to hold down a jobb/education, run their own home, meet a partner one day, surely treating him like a big baby is just making this worse, he does not act like a 10 year old lad at all.

The other battle I am facing is that my DH was brought up in the same manner, Mummy and his two older sisters did EVERYTHING for him, spoiled him rotten and now they are all doing it to SS.

I was brought up completely different, alot more children in the house and therefore we had to have rules and rosta's and things to help tidy up, empty the dishwasher, put clothes away etc etc, at the time you think, this is strict! But I have never been more thankful for it. My Dad is a very successful man and he got there pure and simple through hard work, he always said "you want something in life, no one is ever gonna hand it you on a plate, you have to get out there and get it yourself" very true

justmakingthebest's picture

Have you asked him if his son will still be cute when he is incapable of making his bed when he is 20? What about not knowing how to load a dishwasher before he leaves for college? How well do you think his dorm roommate will take to a nasty slob? What about a nice young woman one day?

We have to teach our kids these things while they are young. We teach and we have expectations of our kids. Then once they are 18(ish) we release them into the real world and hope that we have given them the skills they need to be productive members of society. So they can marry and have their own family one day and make us grandparents. That they will be self sufficient and we can move to the friendship stage of parenting. 

However, if we don't act like responsible parents and teach them these skills now, all we will have is a failure to launch kid living in our basement forever. That is NOT ok. 

itshardbeingastepmum's picture

Exactly! I agree with every single word. Its like banging your head against a brick wall..........

Maganamitre04's picture

I have SS9 going on 10 this month. My DH his feral child is a prince too. At this point, I stopped doing it. I stopped talking to the child and completely disengaged. But, when I want something done I do ask SS to clean his room and I let him know if he doesn't do it I'll take his play station away. I don't care if he tells his father. This is my house he is to respect it. It is not unfair to want or expect a 10 year old to do the simplest and yet most common task in their life! You aren't asking the child to clean the whole house. It's simple shit and DH doesn't want to parent his kid. He will allow this child to do whatever to please him. I would have a conversation with him. He is scared he will actually have to act like a dad and put a little vase in his voice to get his kid to do something simple. 

itshardbeingastepmum's picture

He's petrified to actually tell him because he just has a guilt that is there constantly, which I have told him he needs to get past and accept that he doesnt live with us and comes part of the time. What good is being married to someone else, going onto have another child but feeling guilty all the time about the other one, he sees him more than regularly enough to be able to parent him but for some reason the little prince on his pedastol cannot be told what to do, i am already dreading his next visit this week Sad