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PSA, sort of regarding Aspergers vs Narcissism

ITB2012's picture

I read this article and it's exactly my life:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-wom...

Seriously, even the birthday example is exactly my life. Even mother's day. DH texted BM happy mother's day and thought about texting DS to remind him to do something for me for mother's day but didn't...and told me as if that would make it seem like he had though about being a nice guy. (We have a specific deal where we help the kids handle special holidays for the other parent.)

 

But this article is very interesting and I see things happening in my life on both sides:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/narcissism-vs-aspergers-how-can-i-tell-...

 

Obviously I think I have a DH issue, not a skid issue. If DH is not around, the skids and I are fine with each other. I'd probably have a very decent relationship with them if it weren't for DH's attitude and "example." They are good kids. They are teen boys but really turning out to be nice young men...despite the tension between DH and I. I think they could have had a better experience but it has been soooo bumpy with DH. 

I also know a man my age with Aspergers and he's happily married for decades, they have a very solid relationship, and they even lead some marriage counseling sessions for their church. I wonder what they do right but I don't know them well enough to ask that personal of a question. But I'm getting desparate enough to ask.

Has anyone else ended up with a diagnosis of Aspergers for their DH? Mine actually went for an ADD assessment since OSS was diagnosed (I think OSS has mild Aspergers/or his parents didn't hold him to behavior) and the therapist said DH didn't have ADD and DH has held that against me all this time (I have a problem, he doesn't). DH "wasn't much trouble" growing up because he's one of six and the girls were more trouble than the boys so the boy behavior got ignored because it just wasn't as in-your-face. (Based on some comments from my SILs. I have not mentioned my frustrations to them, just asking childhood experience questions.) Also found out his mom was not entirely the nice lady she is now. Apparently she was quite the control freak.

Sorry, I'm all over the place. I just. Hm. What do "I just"? I just have run out of ideas of what to do.

Comments

Jcksjj's picture

What makes you think he is on the autism spectrum exactly? Or does he already have a diagnosis?

ITB2012's picture

When I met OSS and when my mom met him for the first time we both thought he was/is an Aspie. I work with a lot of Aspies. And DH agrees a nephew of his may be an Aspie. 

DH did pretty much the right social stuff while dating but it all got dumped when we go married. 

He has zero empathy.

He is exceedingly literal and does not get subtleties, puns, and many jokes.

He is very gullible. 

He is very into limited interests and describes them in detail yet leaves out explanations to help those who are not familiar.

If a situation does not affect him directly and he isn’t concerned then no one else should be either. 

He has left me behind, out of conversations (actually turned his back to me and I was “outside” the circle of people), failed to introduce me, tell me about events, etc.

He doesn’t have ticks but he does have many of the aspects that are attributed to Aspies. 

Jcksjj's picture

What do you mean by he did all the right social things at first and then dumped it all when we got married? That stands out alot to me as classic abuser behavior.

elkclan's picture

Mine, too. It's absolutely classic HFA behaviour. It is indeed also classic abuser behaviour. Not all relationships with folks on the spectrum become abusive, but look to stories of women who are married to guys with aspergers and many of them feel really abused. It is abuse. It's just that it's done from different motivations. 

In the beginning of a relationship, they do know how they're supposed to do  - often it comes from reading or movies - but it simply becomes too exhausting for them to maintain the pretense of having that level of interest in another human being. And they often 'love bomb' you sort of in the same way as a narcissist would, they just do it because they hyper-focus on you and you become their special interest rather than because they're deliberately trying to lure you in.  Heck we all, act on 'best behaviour' at the beginning of a relationship - it's just that there's a bigger gap for them. 

 

ITB2012's picture

But once he "got the girl" (where all movies end), he was done. He didn't have to do those things anymore. I also think that he will do for "others" anything to look like a nice guy. When I was the girlfriend I was "other" but upon becoming his wife I'm no longer an "other" and can be ignored.

Whether it's intentionally abusive or not, it still hurts.

elkclan's picture

Exactly it really doesn't matter what they intend - when it comes down to it's abuse. I was in an abusive relationship whether he meant it or not. The effect on me - abuse. I even had PTSD. 

Kes's picture

Thanks for posting the link to the article.  My first husband, was diagnosed with Asperger's in his 40s, we had already been together 20 yrs.   I just knew he was difficult, touchy, didn't like my friends coming to the house, and was nasty to me on my birthday (a whole section dedicated to this in the article).  

I think it's very likely indeed that your DH has Asperger's - but how much value it is to you, to know that, is debateable.  Ultimately, I couldn't stay with my ExH any longer - he was so mean to me a lot of the time, I had a complete breakdown in the end, and was hospitalised, before making the decision to end our marriage. 

I have been with my current DH for 16 yrs and (aside from BM and SD stress) we have been very happy together.  I am just so glad I made the break.  You need to do what's best for you - best wishes to you. 

elkclan's picture

I think the 2nd article is wrong about AS behaviours. There's a myth in asperger world that people on the spectrum are basically nice but clueless. This just isn't true. SOME people with AS are nice but clueless, but some people with AS also grew up in dysfunctional or maladaptive families, some of them have other personality disorders and some of them just aren't really all that nice and they have no basic empathy to check that behaviour. People with AS absolutely CAN be manipulative - it may be a bit clumsy - but they absolutely will try to change your behaviour to get you to do what they want. Their wants become needs and their needs are paramount. The biggest differences (to me) are the ways that they interact in large and medium size groups and how much attention they draw to their self. My ex never once cried and moaned about how I didn't pay enough attention to him or how he was a martyr. Sure, he was plenty able to say areas that he was hard done by - but it wasn't about soothing some inner need for attention. Not that he didn't like attention in some regards - everyone does - but it wasn't excessive in that sense. He did get upset if I wouldn't hang on every word of his monologues - but the subject matter was the thing not him - if that makes any sense. That didn't mean everything wasn't about him. Of course it was. Because he couldn't think any other way.

My mother is narc. As Alice Roosevelt said about Teddy. "My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding and the baby at every christening." She has literally come away from funerals of people she was only distantly related to complaining that she didn't get enough attention. My ex would be overwhelmed at public events sometimes and go into shutdown afterwards, but he 'knew his place'. 

I was also with my ex for almost 20 years and he became very, very mean to me as well as all the just plain forgetful/ inconsiderate/ absent stuff as he concentrated more and more on his special interests. Growing up with a narc mother which yes did leave me with some narc behaviours (not sure about the mirror neuron thing, it may just be learned behaviour) that I had to unlearn. But most importantly I learned that my needs didn't matter. 

Although I didn't end up in a hospital I did have a break down. Living with him destroyed me mentally and physically and I am still recovering. I knew at one point that if I tried to stay 10 more years (my son was Dirol I would be dead - either because my body broke down or by my own hand. 

My ex has not found a new partner. I tell him I hope he does, but I really wouldn't wish him on anyone. Maybe he could do ok with another aspie. I dread to think how he would handle a step situation. He would be a HORRIBLE stepfather. Not only that but he would not understand my son's emotional needs either. For example, I told him that I wanted to have a family conference with my 8 yr old son to tell him we were splitting up - I wanted to 'be there' for my son. Immediately after he walked my son to school and just blurted it out because the thought came in his head and he didn't think about the impact on BS. Just told him and then left my son at school. When I protested he said "BS was fine." Ughhh. 

elkclan's picture

OP - my ex refused to do anything for me for mother's day - at all. Not even when my son was an infant. He said "You're not my mother." My birthdays - omg - worst day of the calendar for me. He would do nothing. I mean nothing. Even if I spelled out exactly what I wanted. Then he would treat me like crap because I mentioned I was disappointed which triggered his guilt. He would lash out at me. 

My new guy... a million miles from that. He makes a fuss. He gets my son to do stuff for me. Last year I had my best birthday ever. It was low key but lovely. I got lots of crap presents from all the kids. I felt loved.