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Magically no curfew

ITB2012's picture

After being so against my DS having no curfew when he turned 18 (this last fall), and adamantly stating that OSS will continue to have a curfew, magically the last few weekends OSS has been out much, much later than DS has ever been. (I know the times because I can see it on our family locator app. Times/location history comes up as you open it.)

When I didn't come home at my curfew there was hell to pay. There were negotiations as I aged of later and later curfews, but I didn't get to just ignore the rule and no one pretended like we had all telepathically decided it was okay.

DH has said nothing to OSS. I don't care that OSS is out, I'm just tired of the hypocrisy. DS mustn't be allowed to handle his own night when it's proactively implemented (and aren't I a terrible and permissive parent), but OSS can when he just passively stops adhering to his established curfew.


Siemprematahari's picture

Have you brought it to your H's attention? Sometimes you have to call people out on their sh!t.

ITB2012's picture

The breaking of curfew did come up. I also mentioned the hypocrisy but he doesn't see it because there are so many more reasons it (pick any "it") is okay for OSS (or YSS) than for DS. It seems like once they don't follow a rule he just shrugs and says there's nothing he can do. It's a good thing they are good kids or this could be much, much worse.


beebeel's picture

Umm...when they take control and move out. 

Most 18 years olds are still in high school. My SS19 has a curfew because I don't need him waking up the dogs and thus the rest of the household in the middle of the night. He can live without a curfew at any time if he wishes. 

Merry's picture

Right. Sometimes a curfew is less about the person who is out and more about the household he/she comes home to, doesn’t matter the age. Adults get to move out if they don’t like the house rules  

My loser nephew lived with my Mom for a while while “going to college” (read: smoking dope and drinking beer). My Mom would wake up at 3 am and worry about him if he wasn’t home. (I encouraged her to toss his sorry ass out but she wouldn’t do it, so they lived in their own dysfunction.)

Wilhelm's picture

Ah! I am in Australia. Kids leave school at 17 here. Most will have a job from 15 at the same time as completing high school. Then most have no option but to leave home to go to university and work part time or just work full time.

We don’t really have the college option like you do in America.

ITB2012's picture

I think the kids, all of them, are more capable and responsible and should be expected and allowed to be more capable and responsible than the other parents seem to want (DH, BM, and my XH when it comes to DS). I think all of them could have had more control earlier than 18.

OSS probably should have had his curfew lifted at the beginning of the school year (hm, I think I did that with DS, not just when he turned 18). OSS has had a job and gotten to that responsibly for a year now. I don't think any of them are out partying or doing illegal things and are overall better kids than we parents were at their ages.

I just don't like the hypocrisy and the head-in-the-sand method. Pay enough attention to your children to know when it's time to change/remove the rules. I have had discussions with DS as to why a rule is changing and when it's loosening or going away, I think it means more that he was recognized as being responsible enough to handle it rather than he just keeps getting away with something.

Monkeysee's picture

I've never understood situations where the SP is so hard on a skid, but so lax on the BK's, then attacks the spouse when the double standard is mentioned.  I really just don't get it.

So your H throws a fit or sticks his head in the sand when you mention it.. why do you allow him to dictate the terms for your son when he allows his own to get away with whatever they want? I say, let him throw a fit/stick his head in the sand. If he's not going to give you authority over his children, he has no right to authority over yours.

I have a very simple phrase when someone crosses a line with me. All I say is 'I'm not having this'.

It's amazing how effective it is.  It works when my SS's are throwing temper tantrums, and it works with my DH when he's having a fit as well.  It very clearly states that I'm not willing to tolerate that particular behaviour, with no room for negotiation.

So your H throws a fit etc when you mention the discrepency in treatment. All you need to say is 'I'm not having this DH. You parent your kids and I'll parent mine. End of discussion'. It creates a very clear boundary, which is up to you to maintain. He can only cross the boundaries and have the double standards for the kids if you allow him to.  If he wants to let his kids run hell mell all over the place, that's his choice. But he gets no say in whether your son does the same if that's the case.

Just my two cents.