And back to being the last to know
DH used to be horrible about telling me anything going on with him, the skids, anything. There were times when neighbors would make small talk about something DH had told them that "we" (DH and I) were doing but their question about "our" plan was the first I had heard about it. Yes, including that I was watching the skids or had to drive someone somewhere or that we'd modify a trip to accommodate the skids/BM.
I had to lose my shit several times and finally just not be home when it was my time to accommodate the thing he told me nothing about but I had found out through others before he finally got a clue.
But it appears he has lost that clue. We were visiting with friends yesterday and DH told them about something and it was the first I'd heard about it. As soon as there was a private moment I let him know he is taking me for granted again. Since it's happened once in front of me, I'm guessing there's other stuff I don't know. It's like seeing a mouse in your house: if there's one there's probably more.
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Sounds like your DH needs a
Sounds like your DH needs a swift kick in the arse to dislodge his head!!
DH does not surprise me with
DH does not surprise me with "let's do stuff" things so I was already suspicious when he said he just got out the stuff for us *and* that that particular skid helped.
So your H is lying to you and taking advantage. You're good because every time he did this I'd call him out on it in front of anyone that's there. You talk to him in private and he seems to conveniently forget but I bet if you addressed it with whoever is there he'd think twice. That nonsense doesn't bode well with me. Trust and believe you need to make a big deal so he snaps out of doing that BS.
My husband would tell me he wasn’t lying to my face when i
Asked are skids coming to said events, will our trip to said event revolve around detouring to pick up their lazy arses and they as usual not be on time as I won’t go if any of the above is yes.
Hubby promised and assured that it was no and we have our own plans. Literally 30mins later sd23 messaged hubby saying she was gonna go to event sooner (meaning daddy picks her and sd14 up), they have a car and can drive. Hubby said ok i’ll pick you up.
i knew something was fishy as history showed hubby cowtowed to them everytime and me and my kids expected to tolerate shit... i made it very clear i would not go if any skid would be there and especially if we had to detour to pick them up as its too long for 2 toddlers to sit in a car. Hubby justifies this as not lying but rather i didn’t Mention
i told him when your wife is specific and barely 30 mins later what she said she wants to avoid you know is happening and you intentionally hide it from her and not tell her and force her to be put in a situation she doesn’t want to be in then you are lying and you are not respecting my boundaries
you want me to lose my shit in front of family with your kids as usual they will be inappropriate with out kids and out of line but everyone will see me as the baddy and not you
The problem with the example
The problem with the example you gave isn't that you're the last to know or that he failed to tell you something (although you are and he did). The problem is that he blatantly lied to you. The former is annoying, unfair and needs to be discussed. The latter is completely unacceptable and will break down the trust in your marriage very quickly.
Agreed
This time it’s the deceit more than the lack of consideration/communication.
ITB2012~ It has to be ALL the
ITB2012~ It has to be ALL the above. He does this time and time again when will he get it through his thick head to STOP disregarding you?...................
He Knows
how you really feel about the skids and his "arrangements" so he's hoping to use the old adage:
"It's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission"
You are giving me flashbacks. Chef would do this.all.the.time! Staging conversations so that the blow of having his ferals around or doing something with said ferals would, in his mind, be "lightened."
Anything BUT parent!!! The one time I lost my shit about Chef not telling me what was going on and unilaterally agreeing to having the ferals over to suit the Girhippo's whim caused him to literally sweat bullets (he often said he was trying to "please everyone") Umm you CAN'T please everyone. You SHOULD be pleasing the woman who is supporting your ass while you support your previously enjoyed family.
The Girhippo got so infuriated that he asked me first and then said "no" we can't take the ferals at the last minute to suit the Gir, she then resorted to calling him when she KNEW I was at work in hopes he'd cave and continue to unilaterally decide the schedule again.
I would NOT do ANYTHING that wasn't ok'ed by you in the first place.
But I don’t really care
if he does things with his kids or even if they are over. I care about knowing so I can also plan. And I care about being told the truth. I hate that it seems as though he’s lied to me. He’s gonna say he didn’t because he’s phrased it all in a way he can come out clean.
Like whoever it was on here that had the shit bday or anniversary because her DH stopped the stuff they were gonna do together and just happened to clean the pool conveniently and not at all in any way suspiciously because the skid wanted to swim. It’s pretty obvious and they think they are so smooth.
I care about knowing so I can also plan
I would stop planning EVERYTHNG with him. Sadly you have to start disengaging from him as well. They think they are "couching" the truth when they do this. Start getting friends to go out with instead as long as he keeps not telling you what is going on AND deliberately misleading you through acts of omission.
My husband did this and it amped up late last year
he would make executive arrangements with skids that involves me and my kids when i had disengaged, when he knew it wasn’t fair to me or our kids, that it was and were unreasonable expectations and often he was messaging back and forth with skids for weeks but me he’d blindside me the day before supposed outing do i’d be guilted into going.
yup theres nothing like being in the middle of sex and hubby says “i’m meeting the kids (sd23, ss20 & sd14), wanna come? They miss you and the kids”, this after them being dead silent for weeks and months at a time...
how do you think i felt at that moment? Like seriously there was no other time to bring this up. So i made it very clear to hubby that being in a marriage and when there are situations or events that involve or require my and our toddlers time or affected our family time together, hubby has to diacuss it first and this doesn’t mean he makes the executive decision first then ask me hoping i’ll agree.
I told him if he ever pulled this shit again that i would not participate in family events and his sisters would be all over him knowing its to do with the skid issues.
My 4 sils actually confronted me last month about the skids, they know i refuse to attend any events all skids especially sd’s will be at so next time when me and our toddlers aren’t there but skids are, you know not to believe your brother lying sayin me and kids aren’t feeling well.
hubby took me for granted and thought i would never do it but he shit his pants the 1st time i did this. The thought of his 4 sisters drilling him about how ridiculous he is being with not addressing skid issues and how he allows me to be treated, they’ve lost respect for him and they are concerned how much in denial he is.
OP, you need to ramp up
OP, you need to ramp up training and consequences for your SO. Don't be malicious or get angry, just implement a zero tolerance policy for his nonsense. No notice? Well then, no wife. And rain h@llfire down on him being a LIAR and a DECEIVER. Make him more afraid of pissing off his wife than his kids or ex.
Do not cooperate with any plans he leaves you out of. That means if he brings skids over and there's no groceries, oh well, because you're not going shopping OR cooking. No rides, no accompanying him anywhere without proper notice, no accepting crap to any degree. Deliver the lesson, over and over, and make things uncomfortable by removing yourself from the equation. At the same time, use positive reinforcement when he does show consideration.
Being too nice, too helpful, or too compliant rarely works to a stepparent's advantage. The challenge is to find that sweet spot where we're tough enough to garner respect and love while maintaining healthy boundaries.
I don’t
go out of my way for skids coming over. Years ago I stopped cooking and doing their laundry because of conflicts (crappy eating habits and underwear). So that doesn’t phase him.
I’ve stayed back from trips for other stuff. But it doesn’t seem to stick or make a bigger impression. Even with what the therapist suggested I feel like I’m training a twelve year old. Foolish me, I married an adult I expected would be an adult, not the little brother of his own skids chasing them down hoping they will play with him and ignoring “the mom” I. The house because I’m just harshing his mellow.
Like you said its like training a bloody kid
you stop doing laundry, cooking and only do your housework thinking he’ll get the message. I did this late last year.
We live in the country so its really difficult to go to the shops for stuff and we always did grocery shopping on the weekends (me hubby and our toddlers) it was great family time where we’d have lunch out.
suddenly 5 years plus absent sd23 & 14 re-enter hubbys life lecturing him about cs, hubby has never missed it once, they claimed they wanted a relationship despite alienating him 100% and disappeared completely no address or phone number because bio mum pressured them into it, basically she kidnapped them.
Then they continued this manipulative tactic of cutting off contact for months and boy did they love it hubby everyday messaging like his world revolved around them. They had time for bio mum and stepdad but not for hubby. So i asked hubby what is the purpose of messaging everyday sending them pics of our kids, asking if they had dinner when clearly they don’t want to contact you and are playing with your feelings.
we would have urgent things like vaccinations that hubby would always be at to pay the dr fees etc (i was living overseas) and foreigners getting bank accts are extremely difficult. Anyways hubby is too busy with work activities but its always next weekend. Suddenly day before sd’s or ss message him saying they’re free to meet up the next day (saturday) automatically hubby is free.
So groceries ran low because hubby who was the one who always restocked the fridge for our home with our 2 toddlers aged 2.5 &1.5, were running low on food. At this point i found out one supermarket did home deliveries in our area, so every few weeks i online ordered groceries for me and our kids.
me and kids had dinner early, hubby came home late from work with no dinner, he was stressed and knew i was angry and upset. Here he is on a weekend our from 11am till 8pm with his 3 kids with ex playing taxi and sitting basically in silence while they go on and on about bio mum snd stepdad, they did nothing productive as a family. There was never “hey hun i know you’re always busy with the kids would you like me to buy lunch or dinner while we’re at the restaurant?” Nope he came home and often i was just exhausted
so i put my foot down and said this isn’t ok tossing us to the side, actually allowing your 3 elder kids to play 1 big fake happy family like we don’t exist and you enable and encourage it. Reality was hubby wanted to spend those weekends with all of us but none of these kids wanted to come to our home, they actually wanted daddy to treat them to 5 star restaurants
it wasn’t until i refused to go to these meets that he really saw what had been happening all along. He told them very clearly that he hoped they treat me with basic kindness and respect as they are only shooting themselves in the foot as hubby was appointing me executor of his estate and if they’re arseholes, nobody will feel sorry for them or want to help them.
The 2nd visit he told these kids that they would come to our home in future as these visits in shopping malls etc are unnecessary when they are perfectly capable of coming to our home. Its been almost 11 months since that and no visit. Sd’s i haven’t seen in about a year now. They are dead silent with hubby.
Believe me the men know but they are so used to shutting it out to avoid drama with a hostile woman, except it doesn’t occur to them that we are hostile because of all this crazy shit.
I am happy with my disengagement and next week i will be flying to my country with my 2 toddlers to finish my degree and will do the fly back and forth thibg with hubby as our kids will school in my country, hubby always wanted it that way as they have better opportunities
believe me next week felt like ages months ago. I am glad i will be back in my country and feel at home that hubby won’t be easily able to make these executive decisions and expect i go along.
I remember when my son was 3.5 months and still breastfed that hubby made an executive decision for a friend of his to stay in my childhood home during our yearly trip overseas to visit my dad, he also during this trip made an executive decision to invite his friends and wives (10 people) to a dinner i would cater whilst he played golf.
I was livid that day and he got so many nasty messages. I was trying to breastfeed a 3 month old, deal with a 1.5 year old and supposedly expected to cater a dinner.
i called him a selfish effin prick and he needed to get his arse home as here is no way i can do all this unless i starve my newborn and toddler and i should never ever be put in this situation. Hubby continued playing golf after all that and said he would care for the kids the following day. Pretty sure he got a eff you (because he deserved it!!) and i also said some amazing husband he is (which he knows was a sarcastic comment), i had no mood to eat or entertain. Hubby knew it and was sk tense.
I told him never again will he invite a friend to stay in my family home and expect i cater to his friends dietary requirements. I’m an effin mum with a newborn and toddler, he eats what i cook or he csn pay for a hotel..,
You need to find his pressure
You need to find his pressure points and apply pain until he gets it.