Advice on ways to help fund college without giving $$ directly
So now that the kids are back in school there will start being the need/desire to help them with some funds. Yes there are college funds. But there are things those funds are not allowed to cover, plus we said we'd help. And yet DH has said he would prefer not to give OSS directly given what he knows about OSSs recent habits (and I also prefer not to but am thankful DH said it first).
What are some ways we could help fund some of the extras for OSS without it being cash or used as barter for weed?
I was thinking of gift cards to restaurants near him but that seems like it could be traded. Anything I think of could be used to barter and I have no idea what wouldn't be used short of telling OSS to get a loan and perhaps if it's his own money he'll have to pay back which could possibly get him to think twice about what he purchases. I'm thinking DH may have to just upfront tell him that the offer of help is off the table and if that's the case then DH really hates to say no and confront them (not me, it's okay to say no and confront me, even about other people's crap) and so he/we will be funding OSSs habit.
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Here's the thing - money is
Here's the thing - money is fungible. Any $ you give him is $ he doesn't have to spend and can therefore use to buy drugs or go out partying. Even if you pay something directly to the landlord or the bookstore, it means OSS has extra cash - the money he would otherwise have had to pay for the rent, books, food, groceries, etc. that you provide. Gift cards can be sold or bartered. Maybe this isn't the time for financial help.
Yup
There's where I'm leaning: no extra funds based on the new information.
Where DH may start to feel bad: We also told DS we would help him and if we are giving him help then DH may want to be "fair."
And here's my however-statement to DH if we hit that: we aren't worried about DS the way we (he) is worried about OSS, DS helped all summer with odd jobs, helped cook, was generally helpful, and also spent time with us. OSS has a troubling habit, barely helped with anything even when an offer to pay him was presented, wasn't here so there was no cooking or helpful tasks, and couldn't even be bothered to contact DH on Father's Day much less spend time here (I'd say about five hours over the summer and I think that's generous).
At this point OSS is barely an acquintance and is fast becoming a stranger, and you'd probably think twice about just handing over large sums of cash to someone you barely know.
I don't like that 'fair' bull
I don't like that 'fair' bull crap. My kids went to college, finished on time, got good grades, got scholarships, lived frugally in crappy apartments and I paid half their rent and gave them some spending money here and there. They took out loans for part of their expenses and are now paying back on their own.. SD is starting her 3rd college in 4 years. She is starting her 4th year of college and is still a freshman. She signed a lease for a luxury apartment for $950 a month (my kids lived with roomates and paid $350/mo). She didn't consult with DH before she made any decisions and now she can't get a loan with her poor credit and BM tried to cosign, what a joke. BM couldn't get a candy bar on credit. SD ran up credit cards the day she turned 18 and now she is paying for it, literally her loans are 12% interest. I believe it is fair. She was given the opportunity to do as my kids did and live responsibly, now she is 21 and DH is cutting her off for the most part. He will help her but won't cosign for any more loans or pay her tuition. He's wasted at least $20,000 on her. I spent less than that on my kids going to college and BS26 got a master's degree so 10 years of college between my 2 kids. I hope your DH understands the meaning of fair.
I agree...giving an equal
I agree...giving an equal amount of money is not "fair" if one kid is going to squander it and another will actually make good use of it. It's a false equivalency. Maybe parents should demand that kids be "fair" in how they use the money they are given (i.e. they use it for college expenses and not to buy weed).
I agree because almost
I agree because almost anything can be traded if it has value.. you could literally deliver groceries and he could trade that off for "bad stuff". I had a coworker who I overheard having constant calls with his daughter (clearly adrug addict married to another one).. and he was asking for reciepts for the medical supplies for her sick bunny etc.. I mean.. even if you ask for reciepts.. they can easily go back and return what they just bought... so that isn't even foolproof.
Now, I do think if you have concerns that the kid is going to blow scads of money on illicit behavior.. that you might be unhappy funding it. Obviously, it is up to your husband (and you) whether he subsidizes the kid.. or whether he makes him stand on his own feet... get a job and fund his own circus.
I think the idea of the kid going to get some lump sum loan is dumb.. for a variety of reasons... the "law of abundance" will likely have him blow through the pile immediately..and still not have money to make it through the semester/year.
But.. if your husband and you feel you still want to provide some minimal level of support... I would suggest some small weekly stipend. Enough to cover some basic food/needs.. but if he blows it.. it isn't going to take him too far. 50 bucks a week.. maybe.. i
Does OSS know you guys have
Does OSS know you guys have this concern about his drug use?
Yes but not from DH
I don't remember if I posted this or not but DS called me to ask if DH really thinks OSS is a drug dealer. OSS called DS all incensed about DHs assumptions that OSS is abusing drugs and dealing them.
Where would OSS get an idea like that if DH is such a wuss when it comes to parenting and conflict? Yup, you guessed it. NMB (Not My Babies) told OSS.
Just shaking my head with the two of them (DH and BM). They really have no idea how to use finesse and tact to deal with a situation, and I don't know what logic tells them to throw each other under the bus (and I don't know how they don't see it as that).
Anyway, that's not what DH said. He told NMB that he was concerned if OSS has enough to sell a little/give some away (which DH heard with his own ears) that means he has plenty and if he's heavily into it will that lead to him becoming a dealer. DH also knows from the other kids that OSS is considered the "expert" when it comes to weed.
It could also be that OSS toon what NMB said and did his own extrapolation like he did with some other things. He's become a sullen and angry looking kid lately and I'm wondering if I'm seeing that correctly and that attitude is clouding what he hears.
OK, just wondered, because it
OK, just wondered, because it seems you need to put your cards on the table and let him know the concerns and why he won't be getting the support you had originally promised.
If he needs food, send him a
If he needs food, send him a care package or purchase him stuff via Instacart to be delivered to his apartment.
If he needs other things, tell him to make a reasonable wish list online for you to purchase from. Or just sent him things that you know a kid his age would need.
Anything you buy him should be spaced out, though. If you want to buy him shelf-stable groceries, have them sent weekly or in small quantities. Pick a bunch of little things to pay for at different times.
If you keep it to small items that aren't worth selling or trading (can you barter for pot with canned ravioli?) then he won't starve but also won't have enough to scrape together at any one time to buy his substance of choice (or binge on his substance of choice, more accurately).
But, I'm also the person who wouldn't fund his schooling if he were using any drug, alcohol included, to the point that he wasn't getting great grades and able to pay his own way as much as any normal college student can. I'm not a teetotaler. I was known to go to the occasional gathering and play a rousing game of beer pong. But I also knew I had a job and homework, so parties had to fit around those responsibilities, not the other way around.
My parents also made it clear that funding for school was dependent on my getting through in 4 years and having good grades AND having my own job. They were there to help "in case" and after I had exhausted my own loans and scholarships.
My parents paid for my car
My parents paid for my car insurance and my cell phone bill while I was in college. I paid my cell in high school but they agreed to help me with whatever they could while I was attending college. I took out student loans. I lived on campus all 4 years, 2 in dorms and 2 in on campus apartments. I could have lived at home as it was close but wanted the whole experience. I did laundry on the weekends at home, my mom would sometimes even pick it and drop it off, (yes spoiled I know but I appreciated it and it was on her way to and from work).
When I went to grad school they let me live at home rent free and I never had to pay bills to them. That was their way of helping me out over the year. They just assisted with the small things so it would add up to much more debt. I had to get a new car while I was in grad school becuase my other was totaled I paid that bill and the car insurance in full.
I would agree with a gas card if he has a car. I would say if he has an account with school to buy meals on campus maybe put some money in there. Again he can barter not saying he can't. You could make a direct payment to the school for his tuition. Not sure if he has loans or grants or anything like that.
Best of luck. Not every kid deserves to be treated the same. Some deserve it some do not. We have made it clear to DS11 even now that he needs to work hard and figure things out if he wants college in his future. We are not paying for it. We are also not allowing others to pay any of his tuition (the in-laws) either. He will have to figure it out. What he does not know and I never plan on telling him is that if he completes all his schooling we will help him pay off the loans and allow the in-laws to contribute as well. (I know they set up a fund already). I want a gurantee he finishes before just giving him money.
Is the school's meal plan not
Is the school's meal plan not an option? that might be worth exploring.. many schools have different levels.. so even one meal a day... or X per week.
You could also send care packages that would include staples like deoderant.. razors , shampoo, body wash too. USPS has "if it fits it ships" boxes that might be worthwhile weekly or biweekly boxes of a few essentials.. and maybe some treats he likes.. candy.. beef jerky etc...
You could have him send you the book list and you could purchase those directly.. maybe even online cheaper than the college bookstore.
Refillable debit card that dad could put a bit of money on each week... 50 bucks.. would cover a tank of gas and money for a cold drink at the gas station etc....
One thing to remember though is that no matter how hard you and your DH try... you are not going to be able to control him. It's like the wife who constantly monitors her husband's social media/cell phone whearabouts etc... if someone wants to cheat.. do drugs.. whatever.. they will find a way to do it. They have to be comitted to not doing it.. and as the wife... parent.. you need to decide what you are going to do regarding the trust to their word.
I mean, you could require him to go take weekly drug tests to recieve continued support. But, there are ways to game those tests. There is the matter of performance in school though.. and perhaps tying support to that would be most effective. He must attend class regularly, maintain a passing (or better whatever you set) grade and work a part time job to contribute as well.
I know you and his dad may be concerned about his drug use... is it just weed? or is it something more? Lots of kids experiment with a little week/alcohol when they are in college. I understand not wanting to underwrite his drug use... but it may be difficult to 100% stop that from happening.
and.. yes.. I think that parents and families should be equitable in support for their kids.. but that is a two way street.. kids get the support they are deserving of. The drug addict kid needs support.. but not necessarily the same kind that the successful straight A no addiction kid. If his dad has made drug use of any kind.. even weed a condition of getting support.. then if the kid continues to do that.. they are going into it with eyes wide open that support will stop if they are caught..
I don’t think for a second
That he couldn't find a way to turn what we do into a way to get weed. That's why I was asking, in case I had actually missed a way. But it would be helpful to not make it the easiet way. I don't think he's an addict. Based on what Dah heard and what he's been told by others it appears it's a regular use situation and not occasional.
A meal plan would at least
A meal plan would at least guarantee a semi-metered access to food..
Otherwise... I guess I would not give him too much rope to hang himself with at a time.
Sometimes kids need to make their own way/bed and sleep in it. If dad feels some financial support will be well spent on helping his son be successful at school and getting his degree.. I guess he needs to make the decision on that merit.