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Pork that broke the camels back

IslandGal's picture

The pork that broke the camels back.

SO and I have ended. He is moving out on 17th June. It took a while of us breaking up..making up..breaking up..until, finally, we broke up for good. My Mum told me that relationships are like a rubber band. It stretches when stressed, but goes back to normal when things calm down. However, when you stretch it to the point it breaks..that signals the end. Something like the straw that broke the camels back..however, in my case, it was the pork that did it.

As with most step-families, SO and I fight over finances. I help him out whenever I am able to, for example, paying 50% of lawyer fees when we went to discuss the passports issue. I have also supported him and tried to be there when he needs me. He is very good with finances and keeps up to date with is payments and bills etc.

For those who remember, SO and BM had a fight regarding skids passports. BM went to court and won her case and SO ended up owing BM $6g for her court costs etc, to be paid by June 30, 2017. SO refused consent for passports as he believed BM would send SD to our home country once she got their passports. This didn’t hold up in court, but SO’s fears were justified, when BM did exactly that, and sent SD overseas to live with BM’s parents. I advised SO to go to court to fight this and to fight for the amount owing to BM. SO was worried he wouldn’t be able to afford court or lawyer fees and convinced himself that not only would he lose, he would end up owing BM even more money. So, he didn’t go. Instead, he took out a loan to pay her the money.

Along with this loan, he took out an additional amount to pay for “holidays, furniture and personal items i.e. clothing”. The additional amount was $5,000 or $6,000 (can’t recall exactly). Now, back in 2015, SO met with my 3 Sons, and told them he wanted to marry me, and was saving for a ring. I only found out when he screamed this at me, during an argument we were having. I had no idea as my Son’s hadn’t told me anything.

Loan was approved and SO brought himself an iPAD including the cover and keyboard costing approx. $1,500.00. He also brought some personal items for SS15. He loaned me $100 – which I paid back to him. I also wondered if he was planning to ask me to marry him, and buy me a ring. I discussed this with him and told him it would be better for us to keep living together for now as we were having a lot of arguments and weren’t stable. I suggested we wait a few years to see how we go, and he agreed.

A few nights later, my eldest son called him to say he had some free pork (belly & chops) and as SO LOVES pork, BS offered it to him. All SO had to do was pick it up (10 min drive) from my sisters home (whom BS currently lives with). SO was very happy and said “cool!!”. This was Thursday. On Friday, we went to pay for his iPAD, which would be available from a different suburb (current one was out of stock), later that day. On Saturday, I drove him to pick it up and we spent about 2 hours walking around shops looking for shoes for SO. After 5-6 shops, I was HANGING for a cigs. I’m out of smokes and there was no smoke shop in this centre, so I was dying.

On the drive back to our suburb, I mention to SO that we needed to go pick up the pork. SO, for some reason, was irritable and was already snarky with me..whining about the way I chose to drove back to our suburb. I let that go. Then he said “oh. The pork. Do I have to pay for it?”..then before I could answer..he goes on “because I just spent a LOT of money and won’t be able to afford it”. I got tense and said “BS34 didn’t ask you for money, did he? He told you it was free..all you have to do is pick it up from my sisters house”. SO, then said “oh..well then SHE would probably want me to pay for it being there for 2 days”. I tell him to stop being an idiot and acting like an ungrateful twit. Honestly, why couldn’t the man just appreciate the fact that he just got about 3kgs of pork for free?!!!

Then, I mention that I just needed to stop at the shops to buy some cigs on the way. That set him of again. So we had it out. I stopped the car, told him to go home and walked into the shopping centre. After thinking about it, I realised he did this on purpose. He started a fight because he wanted to go home and just play with his iPAD. This wasn’t about the pork! He just didn’t want to do our house shopping with me, didn’t want to go and pick up the pork and just wanted to go straight home. He also was aware that on Sunday, we were to go and pack up my Moms room as she is moving out. So, he pretty much sulked all weekend, stayed in his room and played on his iPAD. I moved my things out into the lounge. I would’ve booted him out of our room, but he is a diabetic and needs the fridge which is in there.

By Monday, I had thought about things and went to read my diary. I realised this is a pattern with him and it is ongoing. I realised that this would never end. After all the dramas his ex brought into our relationship and all the dramas with his daughter..this would be my life if I stayed. I thought about the next 2 years…then 5..then 10..and almost had a heart attack. I realised I just couldn’t do this anymore.

I could put up with anything..but his snarkiness, pettiness gas lighting, mood swings..on top of the dramas..just wasn’t worth it. The fact that this would be my future, scared the crap out of me. The dramas would continue when skids have kids..BM would forever be in our lives and SO would be moody and irritable, taking all his frustrations, bitterness and resentment out on me.

So, on Thursday, I ended it. Told him I wanted my freedom and I didn’t want to continue in the relationship. The first thing he said was “is it because of the pork? Do you want me to ring BS and your sis and apologise?” He fought me. He tried to get me to change my mind. He tried to convince me that he would do/be better. Thing is thanks to my diary, it’s something he’s been promising for years now. It’ll never change. Ever.

He has now accepted it and will be moving out in the next few weeks. We have sorted out our furniture and bills and hopefully, we can do this smoothly.

I’m getting excited about being free. I’m starting to feel a whole lot better and I know I’ve made the right decision.

I’ll be back to update.. Peace…and..freedom 


notsobad's picture

Good for you. It's sad when a relationship ends but you've come to the realization that this one wasn't working. That's a good thing.

I had very much the same experience when I left exH.

He'd joined a cult and I'd been putting up with tons of crap. We had a fight on Mother's Day of all days. I sat there thinking exactly as you did that this was my life now, that we would be having this same fight over and over and over. I knew I couldn't do it anymore and called a lawyer the following Monday.

It was hard but the best thing I've ever done.

Monchichi's picture

While it was the pork, it wasn't really the pork's fault. Pork technically cannot be to blame as it's so delicious. On a more serious note, I am glad you found peace and resolve to end it. Your STB ex SO is not ready to be in an adult relationship.

I hope for peace and a pleasant separation. You are doing the right thing from what I've read of your blogs.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I have followed your story for the last couple of years and am glad you are finally ending it. Just looking over your blogs tells the story. Wishing you all the happiness in the world.

IslandGal's picture

Thank you darl..def a that im happy to step away from.

Acratopotes's picture

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :?

sending you Hugs girl and well let us know when we are celebrating your freedom..... you are allot braver then me...
but I'm getting there

soon ST will be single ex SM site }:) }:)

IslandGal's picture

Thank you Acra..hang in there girl..your SO has some good qualities..and he loves you..I laughed when I read future single SM site..hahahaa!

IslandGal's picture

Very true!! I really do hope he leaves without dramas..if he causes any, my boys will be here to frog march him out.

ctnmom's picture

He doesn't care about you OR his dd. he only cares about himself. Please don't get sucked back in by him again. Best of luck, and God bless.

IslandGal's picture

Nailed it!! Hes in full on victim mode..whining to his sis..oh well, at least I dont have to listen to his negative crap anymore.

zerostepdrama's picture

Ha! Kind of like the potato salad that broke the camel's back in my case...


Good luck!

IslandGal's picture

Thank you Granny. Love how you also escaped. Each day I breaghe a little easier.

I cannot wait for him to go. Im going to run around the house with sage to cleanse it of his dark energy..yayyy!!

Aniki's picture

IslandGal, I know it's not easy, but I'm glad you reached your pork epiphany. Definitely sounds like your thinking is in the right place. Run with that excitement and freedom!!! Biggrin

IslandGal's picture

Pork epiphany..waahahahahaaaa!!!

Rags's picture

As difficult as the end of a relationship can be... congratulations on the beginning of this new phase of your life adventure.

Take care of you.

CLove's picture

Great job to you! I know it was a "tough row to hoe" for a very long time. I sometimes go back and read my posts on here from a few months ago and see the patterns.

These people are stuck in their patterns. Once you start imagining a better life, and seeing their old, useless, pain-inducing ways of living life, it all starts to become clear. We get muddled in our emotions.

DH sounds very childish and manipulative. SO, for a long time now, has been telling me that things will be different once Winona turned 18 and graduated. They are the same. She still is a slob with no respect, still is mean to her sister. Still no help, same rotten attitude, still no repercussions or expectations. SO still gets defensive when Winona is mentioned and questions are asked.

Winona lost her room at her mother's house the other day (because she trashed it) and so now she is with us full-time. Thankfully she is realizing she needs a JOB, and a LICENSE, and is doing things here and there to accomplish that. Plus I haven't seen her for 2 days because she was either asleep when I left, or with her cousin, staying overnight. I no longer care. It sounds like you are beyond caring as well. Numbed out by all the whipping-post action.

Everything. Still the same, no changes. Same with your DH. The only thing that is changing is US.
Great going, Sister Island!

IslandGal's picture

He sure is childish and immature. Funny how we dont see it til the love goggles fall off.

Nope..I dont care anymore. Stay strong..winona sounds so much like sd16..thank the lord I no longer have to be a part of their toxic shit anymore.

DaizyDuke's picture

Ugh, but I think you are doing the right thing. If you are getting into rows about things as silly as free pork and stopping for some cigarettes, then you are most likely at the irreparable point.

Can I ask how old your DH is??? If you have a 34 year old son, I'm guessing DH is in his 50's? Why would he be so enamored with a damn I Pad??? Like just threw his marriage out the proverbial window because he got persnickety with you because he couldn't wait to play on his IPad???

IslandGal's picture

I have definitely made the right decision. The relief is incredible.

He is 47 yrs old. We have no bios. Im 52. He is a huge slob..just wants to play on his gadgets or zone out in front of the tv. Man child indeed.

somethingwicked's picture

That's amazing!
You need to call your BS and THANK him for the pork that broke the camel's back.
And the diary ,too, gave you that running line of insight.
I am happy for you. I am feeling your freedom from the words that you wrote.

Many hugs and congratulations to you ,Island Gal.

(your handle always makes me recall that Elton John tune from the "Yellow Brick Road" album although it's "Island Girl.")

You always gave the impression of being a free spirit and now you truly are free of all that emotional baggage, gas lighting BS and ballast.
Fly high!