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OT- Parents: am I being a snot?

I love dogs's picture

DH and I picked out a crib, dresser, end table, and diaper changing rack that tops the dresser for the baby on our registry from Buybuy Baby. The crib converts into a toddler bed then a twin or full so our daughter will have it for at least 7-8 years, probably 10 until she needs a queen. If we didn't get it for the shower, we were going to buy it ourselves because we really like the design. It's painted gray with a pretty wood grain.

My mom lives out of state and pretty much buys us something every week and asked if she would mind if she got a similar but cheaper version on Amazon. I told her no because we really like the one we picked and baby girl will use it for a long time. The cheaper version is just plain wood with a different shade of gray.

Well, my best friend asked for my address last week and "it's a surprise". I gave it to her then she decided to tell me what the surprise is because "we don't need two". She ordered the crib that doesn't match the set we want but told me it matched. It got here a couple days ago and it definitely does not match.

We didn't take it out of the box. I went to lunch with her on Friday and she came inside after and wanted to look at it to make sure it wasn't scratched. I don't really want to buy the cheaper version on Amazon to match the crib and DH said we can just sell it and put that money toward the one we want since she didn't ask and bought something completely different from the registry. I think we should send it back and she can get her money back. She bought the cake and cupcakes for the shower which was almost $400 and I think that's plenty for a gift.

Comments

susanm's picture

If she is your best friend, she is going to be in your home again at some point and see that the crib she bought is gone.  And then it would be weird.  You should just be honest with her and tell her you truly appreciate her generosity and love and feel terrible but that you have already picked an entire set of nursery furniture that includes a crib.  You don't want to hurt her feelings and have any awkwardness but with the crib she so kindly bought, while you initially thought it would work, there is now a cascade effect of gifts from the registry that would have to all go back unless the one she gave is exchanged.  A good friend will laugh and tell you to of course exchange it and not to give it a second thought.  Does anyone sane really care what kind of crib someone else has?  This is your nursery and it is a big deal to you but only a crazy person would be that invested in what your nursery looks like!

Goodluck's picture

Totally agree with Susann above. The hardest thing is saying  the words. Better tell her asap.

 Strange she went ahead and bought this gift for you out of the blue. Is there there more to this your not sharing?

I love dogs's picture

The one on Amazon was half the price of the one on our registry. That's all I can think of other than she is a L&D nurse and said she "did her research" and has 3 kids of her own but there's nothing I see that the one we picked doesn't have.

Jlbfinch's picture

I have five kids.  My youngest are my 18 month old twins.  When I was a first time mom I wanted my daughter’s nursery to be perfect and I went into debt buying expensive furniture from Babies r Us I thought she would use for years and years (that didn’t happen).  By the time the twins rolled around I was happy with an IKEA crib I bought for $50 off of FB marketplace and another crib that my neighbor literally pulled out of someone’s trash and brought to me saying what a great find it was (she was right).  It’s likely that your friend with three kids of her own doesn’t quite remember the desire to have everything high quality, matching, and cute when it’s your first kid.  That doesn’t mean you should have to settle for the furniture you don’t like just to avoid hurting her feelings but I also wouldn’t sell it and keep the cash and hope she just never notices it’s not the crib she picked out.  If I were you I would just be honest and tell her that although you are so appreciative of her generosity you already have the crib covered so you’re sending hers back and she’ll be refunded.

I love dogs's picture

I feel like everyone is downplaying this being my first child, especially my own husband. Some of my more distant family even asked if I wanted a boy because we already have SD. Like, no! I have always wanted my own daughter and I was blessed enough to get her.

Step-girlfriend's picture

I agree that $400 in cake and cupcakes is plenty for a gift. I feel like the appropriate response would be similar to what you said above- Send it back and tell her that her gift is way too generous seeing as how she bought the cake and cupcakes, and you simply do not feel comfortable accepting it (anyone paying for an entire crib on their own is a very generous gift, IMO). You appreciate it so much, but it's just too much, and it sounds like the crib is going to be covered by others anyway. You have told the truth, feelings are spared, and you get the crib you want. Win-win!

I have a very particular style also, I can't even imagine anyone trying to buy furniture for me, because I'm 99.9% sure they would not get what I like. My SO's sister has this insanely comfortable white leather, traditional style sectional that she plans on getting rid of when she buys new. She has said we could have it, and my SO seems excited about the idea. I, on the other hand, am slightly terrified that this will come to fruition, and I will have to explain that while it's true it is really comfortable, a white leather sofa just is not my style whatsoever. Your Best friend sounds extremely generous, but sounds like she didn't quite realize sticking to the registry for furniture for your first baby was the better idea.

I love dogs's picture

Thank you for making me feel sane. Plenty of our furniture is secondhand but we just really want this to be special for our daughter, even if it seems excessive. My mom asked if she could buy the different brand/ cheaper one and I told her no and she respected that. My friend is more "take charge" if you will and now I feel like the bad guy.

marblefawn's picture

I'm all for lying in this case.

Tell her you already bought a crib and it's opened and setup and the packaging gone, so you can't return the one you bought. Of course, tell her how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness (*ahem*). Or tell her you bought an entire set so you can't return one piece of it. Then throw in the bit about being too generous.

Get what you want.

My best friend also oversteps me all the time. She makes up for it in so many other ways, but I feel bullied at times. I've learned to force what I want as much as she forces what she wants. It's my life and I'm tired of being marginalized out of it.

I love dogs's picture

She knows we don't have another one and even told me to take it off of my registry but I haven't and don't plan to until after the shower. We also plan to buy everything that wasn't purchased from the registry. I just feel like her pushiness is making me have to come off as ungrateful.