I'm not going to make it without blowing up...
I have bios so I get it. And mine are not perfect by any stretch. Kids will try to find ways to get things. The difference in my bios is that I call them on their bullshit right away. And skids are left to do whatever they want with no correction. They are with us for two weeks. The first week was great. They were good and independent and wonderful. Then MIL comes to town for a week to stay at our house and I'm wondering if I'll survive it.
Immediately, they begin begging for toys and gifts which she happily gives in to all their demands. She's a Disney-Grandma. She's not around (by choice) so she spends the money. I really wouldn't care except she does it in front of my bios who are left out which makes steam come out of my ears. They also hang all over her all the time begging for kisses and cuddles and lovies. They regress into toddlerhood right in front of my eyes! And she constantly says 'You're so pretty, you're so cute' after every single damn thing they do. If one kid says 'Can I have a glass of water' MIL Responds with "Of course because you are the cutest thing that ever lived" THROW UP IN MY MOUTH.
Meanwhile, she insists my bios call her Grandma and takes credit for them on social media, but in person, are they allowed to sit by her? No. Because 'Thats where (skids) should be sitting."
Yesterday, out loud skid7 says, 'Grandma, it was SO nice of you to give me and my sister 50 dollars each' in front of my bios. Their heads snap up and they are like "what? did you say something about $50?' and skid snapped "It's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"
This is the SAME kid that last week acted like a perfect angel. She helped out around the house. She was sweet and good natured. I can't believe this is the same child. And I realize I've been had again but these little actors and actresses.
You better believe I had enough yesterday and when we had dinner yesterday, I put her alone with skids at a table (one sitting on each of her legs the entire dinner) at their own damn table while DH and I shared a nice dinner with my bios.
She said 'I guess you are in control of this dinner so...' and I just said 'My house. My dinner.' and kept setting the table.
Later on in the night she sadly reflected that she feels like she barely knows me. I just turned on a heel and put my kids to bed. My one bio was very emotional and cried and wouldn't tell me why but I KNOW it's because the whole 2 weeks has been about skids.
I'm so bitter right now.
The glowing light is that DH isn't putting up with their shit either and he's been very supportive of me. He makes sure he's always next to me and ignores the demands of the kids and makes sure I'm taken care of while I stress out about a house full of people.
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I need to honestly. But
I need to honestly. But what's the best way to approach a Disney Grandma who is super emotional... she will cry her eyes out and say she never gets to see them. But she made that decision. Even if we are an 45 minutes away, we will see her every few months only. DH just wants a no conflict visit. We are spending some time alone with her later in the spring in her vacation home so maybe away from the kids and calm is the best way to approach it.
I don't agree with telling children then are beautiful and cute constantly. But they aren't my kids. DH should be having that conversation about spoiling them at every turn. We don't do that with our children which is why when it's just us - they are happy to go outside and play in the dirt. They call her 'Present Grandma' because they know what she's going to do for them.
Yes. Communication would be excellent but I haven't found the best way to approach her. When I've had issues in the past and spoken to her calmly, she breaks down and sobs.
Let her sob! Isn't that what
Let her sob! Isn't that what your bio is doing?!?!
The $50 is totally uncool. DH should take the $ and in front of his kids and the granny bat split it up to make a point that they should be treated equal.
I know this might make others pi$$ed but in the beginning, my mom treated my BD different and it really hurt my skids, especially when she would go on and on about how she loved ALL her grandkids. I get life is tough in step life but no kid should be made to feel less.
The skids get to learn natural consequences too. If they had not of shot off at the mouth to make the bios feel bad, then they would have received the $ and bios would have been none the wiser.
I agree. Skids from the
I agree. Skids from the moment my parents met them were seen as equals. If my kids get something - skids get the same. Including attention and love. You would not know that skids weren't blood related to my parents.
I know that it's impossible to feel the same way about sgkids as your biogk but you can sure fake it, right? We do it every day!
Dh just text me and
Dh just text me and apologized for the blantant favoritism. He said it really bothered him too and he was sorry it happened. I said 'Thank you for understanding and I'm not planning things for all of us anymore.'
If she doesn't actually want
If she doesn't actually want to be Grandma to your bios and do for them what she does for your steps, why does she insist on your bios calling her Grandma?
I absolutely love that you put her at a separate table with the steps.
I prefer that my SD's kids do NOT call me Grandma (or Me Maw or whatever the hell) but SD and DH want them to so I don't say antything. We don't see them often so it's not really an issue but I'm not going to be an ass and insist they call me something that I don't really feel or want to be. They can call me "that lady" for all I care.
I was ALL about keeping that
I was ALL about keeping that separation there insisting they call her by her first name but she came through the door arms open insisting the children call her by the same grandma pet name that the skids do. That way she can claim her large family and wonderful grandkids without any of the actual work. She's all about appearances.
I sort of see this both ways.
I sort of see this both ways. On the one hand, if someone made my kids feel excluded like that I'd probably bitch-slap them. SO not cool.
On the other hand, I'm a step-grandma. (Two of my SDs have kids.) I don't do stuff for the step-grandkids that I think I'd do for my own eventual bio-grandkids. I certainly don't do stuff for them that I do for my OWN bio kids! It's not an issue for us because I'm not seeing them all at the same time, so "favoritism" isn't obvious.
I guess... I don't blame Grandma for not feeling the same about your kids as she does her own bio-GK's, but I do think she should make an effort to have some balance there. Maybe she would choose to go sit next to her GK, but it's totally not right to shoo a child away from a seat because she wants someone else to sit there.
I agree that you should talk to her, but it sounds like that's going to be tough. Good luck!!
Thank you for your insight.
Thank you for your insight. I have no issues with her doing stuff for the her bio gkids. I just really have a problem with it being in front of my bio kids subjecting them to feelings of jealousy and unbalance. My husband and I have worked hard to treat all the kids like they are the same no matter our feelings. If she wanted to take gkids out and do some amazing things - that's fine - but do it AWAY from my home and not where my bios will see it.
MIL is taking her gkids for the entire night and I'm happy about it. Good riddance.
No, I get it. Sounds like
No, I get it. Sounds like she's over the top. I mean, I can't really fault a grandparent for doing more for their bio-GKs than step-GKs, since I sure as hell do more for my bio kids than my steps! Buuuuuut.... there's a balance there. I mean, if I'm taking my kids out for ice cream and the steps are there, I'm not going to deliberately leave them behind saying, "We're getting ice cream and you can't have any!" You know? Everyone who's in the house gets the same stuff. I suppose the difference is that I ALSO don't say to my bios, "You have to wait until DS18 is here before we can go get ice cream so she can be included!" Your MIL needs to learn that balance BIG TIME, I think.
This is the greatest advice.
This is the greatest advice. I will definitely talk to my kids and I will talk to DH about how to approach this with his mother when I'm not so angry like I am at the moment. Thank you for writing. I really love what you had to say.