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My Husband and His Children

Horsey Mom's picture

There isnt a day that passes that I dont think about the situation with my husband and his children. I have lots of thoughts that consume me in what I believe needs to be said to them. I want to contact them but believe it could make things worse. So for now I will keep this blog.

It is not a new situation. My husband and I have known each other for 17 years. And there is a history that isn't all good.

He has three sons and one daughter. They are 25, 23, 20 and 12. He divorced the mother of his children twice. They divorced and he had regular visitation with them then. He went back to the marriage because it was the right thing to do for the sake of the family. The fourth child was born in the second marriage.

What has prompted this is the rejection he is currently experiencing in his attempt to communicate with them now. Each child's relationship has their own history. But he seems to be in a no-win situation. He is the bad guy for not making resolution with kids and then is treated with utter disrespect when he makes attempts.

The mother of children has kept youngest son unavailable for visitation. Her explanation is that she believes she has done so in the best interest of her child. I am sure everyone else is told that the father is the parent who has walked away from the children. Years ago, she told me I would never have her children...as a result she has spent all these years keeping the children from their father. Unfortunately it seems the children have taken the same attitude, the relationship with their father is not worth the effort.

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Horsey Mom's picture

I don't think she nor the children have expected him to return. I do believe that she didn't think he would have stayed with me all these years. Why? I dont know.

We began dating during his first separation and after his divorce. He "left" me to return to his family. When the second marriage failed, he returned to me. Hence I was the "other woman" She was very angry and has never relented.

While attending his daughter's graduation two years ago, she asked him why he was still with me. He said he told her because we have a good life together. No doubt she was not happy with his response. It has been since about that time that visitation with the youngest went to zero. But I attributed that to he was the last child at home and therefore the only control and leverage with the father.

In this past year, new stages of life have taken place and I believe that it has rekindled the rage she has within. She has seen me attend her son's wedding, we both attended the baby shower, she has seen pictures of the father and me with the new grandbaby, and found out indirectly that we also married this year.

No doubt the children are aware of her hurt feelings and continue to take sides.

So while I do have compassion for her hurt within, I strongly believe these issues should be separated from the relationships of the father and his children.

Horsey Mom's picture

Thanks Skidsmimi! actually that is my nickname too...Mimi...

He does have the one son that has a relationship with him. Husband is self-employed so his SS23 has worked with him for the last 8+ years. This has fostered their relationship. I will be Mimi to the new grandbaby girl. We are thankful that we are being included in this new joy. Though some of it is filtered as not to "hurt" BM's feelings...

Some days I wonder if there are any hard feelings of the other 3 about the one relationship. In reality it would appear he does more for one son. But we can't do for someone who isnt there.

Horsey Mom's picture

Another question...Child Support has been for two children. SD20 and SS12. It ends upon graduation from high school. SD20 graduated and is in her second year away at college. We pay half of tuition and boarding.

Upon SD graduating we never reduced the CS. The CO amount wasnt to reduce by half, it only amounted to a reduction of $400/month. We are still paying full amount of CS. Mixed feelings as to whether this amount is worth starting a financial battle. If he were to reduce the amount, I believe she would go ballistic. But is it fair that he goes above said CO and BM has never encouraged nor abides with the visitation with SS12?

Money has been an issue at one time or another but it is that other thing he definitely doesn't want to use as leverage.

Do I keep quiet about this too?

Horsey Mom's picture

Do we or don't we?

Every year since the 2002 separation/divorce, my husband has given gifts to SD20 for Valentines Day, Easter, Birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Birthday and Christmas are ok in my mind right now...but I am thinking that I will not be sending gifts this year for Valentines Day or Easter. In past it has been flowers, candy, or cookies, even jewelry one year. My issue is that there has never been any acknowledgement or thanks given for these gifts. Some where left at door of BM's home, a couple of times delivered to BM home, and a couple sent to dormitory where SD20 now resides. We can only assume she received these gifts. They aren't lavish gifts but a token of the holiday and expression that SD is thought of.

SS12 has been given similar gifts but less is expected of him because of his age and control of his environment.

Since the last two years have gotten progressively worse in communication and/or lack of relationship with SD20, I am ready to stop with these gifts outside of birthday and Christmas.

Do we continue to make the effort of these endearments? And I say we because I order and/or shop for gifts and generally, ask if we will be giving a gift on these holidays.

Is this petty or understandable?