Why are we always to blame?
Just got off the phone with my husband. We are trying to "negotiate" custody with BM regarding SD14. Trying to avoid the expense of going to court.
Husband said lawyer told him that we would probably lose if we went to court because of: 1) SD's age (at 14 they take what you want into consideration and SD wants to live with BM) and 2) SD's relationship with me (I am the bad guy, if it wasn't for me everything at our house would be great!). That drives me crazy.
SD treats me like crap, the same way she treats other adults in her life. Problem is, I don't think that's right. Like last night, SD used my blowdryer without asking (even though she has her own and she's supposed to ask before she uses my stuff). Then, not 30 minutes later, when I wanted to watch TV in MY OWN living room, she got mad and threw the phone, then mouthed off at me. HELLO!? I pay the mortgage, I bought the TV...
When husband and I went to counseling, counselor said and husband agreed that I am in a no-win situation. But still, because of me SD wants to go live with her mom.
NOT YOU
Your D has a hand in it, he should let her know that this is a HOME too and that you are an important part of that home.
If she wants to act like a baby then she will be treated that way, AND it could be a ploy on the SD to get you out of her dad's life so she can have him all to herself! what better way to make a guilty dad feel even guiliter..go live with mom.
it is a tough position..But you are NOT TO BLAME!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Thank your lucky stars
Thank your lucky stars that SD doesnt live with you and DH, the blame game is even worse, and the likelyhood of her accepting her role in YOUR home is almost nill. My SD had been living with us and we were the "cause" of all of her problems, according to her. SD 14 just moved in with BM last week and the atmosphere in our home with my BK and SS has such a different feel without her. Its almost as though we All were held hostage by SDs attitude and behavior, now it is a much happier environment. Dont blame yourself or allow DH to blame you, this will only make you the doormat for what sounds like a selfish teen.
She DOES live with us
We have her every week and some weekends. If she moves to BM's, husband only stipulates that she spend one weekend a month during the school year and one week a month during the summer with us. That would be heaven!
Tantrums allowed???
How does DH behave when SD has these little attitudes and tantrums??
He needs to be firm with SD and tell her that she is the child and the two of you are the adults in the house and that behavior is NOT ALLOWED. Children should respect their elders...PERIOD!! Especially when they're being well taken care of.
TOUGH LOVE, I say. Too many excuses are made for a lot of reasons these days, but children of divorce should not be allowed to use their situation as a crutch for their bad behavior.
I'm lucky enough that DH of mine does not allow any amount of disrespect in our house and neither do I.
"I prefer my life STRESS FREE...When you're STRESSIN'...You're STRESSIN' me"
My husband says it's my fault
Because I am the adult. That's it. SD14 isn't held to any standard of behavior because she's only a child. I have to put up with her disrespect because he is willing to. I don't think so!
Wrong!
Do not be sucked in by 'you are the adult' - you are, that is why you are holding them to a standard they need!
My SD did this this past summer and we had a big falling out, me, her and her mom. It was terrible and we didn't speak or hear from them for 2+ months. I wrote her mom an e-mail where I outlined every place she had failed SD, from not making her study and do homework, to allowing her to have boys over at 15, to not punishing her because she can't afford to lose her child support money, to encouraging her to treat her dad bad. It was brutal.
But do you know when we finally did speak again, they had taken every thing we had said to heart, although they will never admit it. I wanted SD to be confirmed in the church, well she is being baptized today. She is involved in a church youth group now, instead of hanging out with thugs. Her grades are a lot better, she got a job-!!!, and is always respectful to her dad now. She doesn't talk to me as much as she did, but she knows I care about her now, really care, not blow smoke up. Sometimes you have to HOLD THE LINE of acceptable behavior. Even if the parents don't!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
we're to blame
because the birth parents don't want to take responsibility for their childrens shortcomings that THEY caused...I get it all the time...me and my daughter are to blame because "golden child" is a spoiled brat...from the day this kid was born he's been fed nothing but junk food and had permission to do whatever he's wanted to...my child hasn't so while we're residing in the same house OUR rules apply...it's not my fault they were both lazy parents...they've turned their own child into a monster...don't take it personally..they'll figure it out in time that it's their own fault
wow that sounds out of hand
I understand about the whole "golden child". My fiances little girl is 2 years old. She is really bossy. At first my fiance didnt hold her accountable for anything that she did or didnt do in the home, but yet my 2 year old was. I put a stop to that. I think you and your hubby need to sit down and talk about the "rules" of the home. Starting with respect. Just because she lives there or comes to visit or he is worried she may run off to live with BM doesnt give her the right to act this way. I do not care how old she is. Okay so she is 14, so that means at 19 years old she will treat you even worse. She has to understand that there are rules to follow in the home regardless who sets them and regardless if she has rules at her BM house. My fiances 2 year old HAS to pick up after herself just like my 2 year old HAS to do it. Why do the step kids think that we can't hold them accountable for there actions.(btw SD is only 2 and i mean she has to clean up her toys and stuff like that, not real chores like the older kids, I am no mean step mama, just a fair one)
"Still waiting to get my life back"
Misunderstood
Sorry, I missunderstood where SD lived. Have you guys finalized the visitation in court? Without knowing all the details of the situation, maybe its best that you and DH let her go to BM? At least for your sanity and for your marriage. The BM in our situation is unstable to say the least, but SD wasnt going to be happy until she had her way and at 14 she was not going to control MY home. I have been the EOW mom to my now 21y BD and she pulled the same crap with both myself and the Ex, which put a strain on life. Looking back, we should not have tolerated BD behavior and attitude,which is why Im so strict about the rules and behavior in our home now. I have a new DH who essentially knows that I love him, want the best for our family,but will not put up with SH*T in my life. If your DH can pull his head out of the sand,(or you pry it out), he should realize the impact this has on your marriage and on SDs future. In my current situation, DH and BM let the skids run and do whatever they had wanted, which led to entitlement issues and grown up behaviors and attitudes. When we blended our family,(14SD, 13SS, 13BD, 11BS),the skids had alot of new rules and boy that didnt set well at all, but I had to consider my BD and BS and made sure DH knew that before he came along my kids were held accountable for their behavior and now so was his. So...yeah, Im the evil stepmom, who doesnt tolerate the princess attitude, sneaking out, drinking, and generally HUGE disrespectful attitude in our home. The straw was BM telling SD she didnt have to listen to me, because "I wasnt her mother". I told DH that set us up for alot of future problems on respect in our home, and SD had already assaulted me( called the police and shes on probation), and basically DH grew some balls. DH told SD she had to respect me, SD said this wasnt her family, DH said pack your stuff and that day took her to BM. Im not heartless, this kids mom is messed up, but at 14 SD has a fully developed sense of what is right and wrong and at this age it is almost impossible to change who they are becoming. I just know that parents cannot be a doormat to their children (skids or bkids) and after all WE ARE THE ADULTS! Good luck and hope to hear back.
Try to show DH
One other thing that helped my situation, was to show my DH that this wasnt all about what I wanted, it was about SDs future. DH at first tried to pull the "I just want you to get along with my daughter" and "I dont know why you two have a pesonality clash" thing , essentially puting it all on me. I turned it around and basically said "What kind of adult do you want her to be", boy that was a lightbulb moment, it took the emphasis off of my liking her and getting along to what kind of behavior and attitude was being expected from SD. I mean really, what kind of person do you get from entitlement and SH**ty attitude. Maybe that can help you.
This was very wise thing to say
I will save it for my bag of tricks too - thanks!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
stepmom is equivant to...
Scapegoat ! We are always going to be blamed ! We are Stepwithches
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!