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Feeling a little bad

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Wed, 01/12/2011 - 9:00am

So...for over a year I've been on here complaining about my step son. How he lacks empathy, is weird, has no feelings or emotions for anyone, eats compulsively and pee's himself.

About 6 months ago or so... Rags..I believe told me that it sounded like my SS might have Aspergers... so I read about it, researched it, seemed to fit the bill, but stuck it in my back pocket as I knew that if I told my DH that he'd freak out..

Well news just in .. DH and BM finally had their final reports done from the psychologist yesterday... he does have Aspergers... which means..none of these things that he does are his fault. He doesn't even recognize that what he's doing is wrong really. He is rude and socially awkward, and has no interests of any type...and well he is basically text book Aspergers.

So..because I've been on here complaining about him... I'm feeling a little bad. Sure I still had those feelings, thought he was just a bad kid, but know that there is a name for what he has I realize he's not bad at all. I'm feeling relieved about this diagnosis because now it gives us something to work with, and the ability to recognize why he's doing certain things.

I will be honest as this is a step forum... where we often air our grievences... I'm worried about what this means..and how hard I'm going to have to work now.. and well the irony of it all is that my own son has OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The two of these kids never get a long..and as result, my son has been living at his Dad's most of the time... but now it's so clear why they wouldn't get a long.. and well the irony is.. all of this turmoil has nothing to do really with being a blended family we've just got two kids who have issues. My son was diagnosed when he was 7, and is now 14 so actually gets along pretty well with his OCD and anxiety. We went through many years of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and it seems to have worked.

The other ironic thing is that when my son was diagnosed my DH hardly gave me any support... thought it wasn't a very big deal..and now that his son is diagnosed with something he's beside himself with grief. I think he's thinking back ..and even muttered last night that he wasn't there for me.

We will see how the year goes... more challenges..but armed with information I'm sure we'll be able to start new things.

I will still be on here to bitch and read..as life is life..but wanted to share this with everyone.

Comments

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Wed, 01/12/2011 - 9:43am

Thanks Foxie...but don't get me wrong... we're not going to cut him slack for rude behaviour.. we just need to figure out new ways to teach him what is socially acceptable.

We probably have not handled this appropriately in the past, and need to give him more fact based reasons as to why his behaviour is unacceptable.

He will still be treated as a normal kid. Doing anything else would be detrimental to his development. The only reason I feel bad is because I thought he was the Devils spawn, and now I'm seeing things more clearly.

ambrosiastorm's picture

Submitted by ambrosiastorm on Wed, 01/12/2011 - 9:52am

I agree with Foxie on this. My SO's son (18) has Asperger's. With the right support, knowledge and communication -- the stress can be managed and he can learn positive, social adept behavior and responses. It's not a crutch unless it's trained to be utilized as one.

His therapist has tried to teach him and his parents about learned traits and developing positive patterns. As he has gotten older, he has become more headstrong and his therapist is now visiting new ideas and other tricks to try to keep him on the positive. It is a daily battle, but consistency and positive focus is key. Thoughts and good vibes are with you. Smile

bruisedpeach's picture

Submitted by bruisedpeach on Wed, 01/12/2011 - 9:53am

My SS11 just got diagnosed as well.
Me and SO have suspected it for ages, his teacher confirmed his own suspicions early last year..but BM JUST got onboard with this..and she seems most excited about the fact she gets more state help £££. vile bitch.
anyway..SS11 is not rude or anything. he has the anxiety, lacks social skills (ie has no friends), food issues, still wets the bed, gets obsessive with his interests etc. hes actually quite creative as well which is rare in aspies. he starts big school in September and god help him to be honest.
We arent convinced BM is gonna man up to this task actually and really feel that he might be better off with us fulltime.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Wed, 01/12/2011 - 11:35am

Asperger's is a spectrum disorder, which most people don't seem to understand. It is not a one size fits all thing. With that in mind, it will be really difficult for you to get good advice on a forum like this where people don't KNOW your SS and where he stands on the "spectrum", especially because if he's on the lower end of the spectrum it really will seem to others that he's "normal" until he does something innappropriate, socially awkward, or "rude". You are right, this isn't an excuse to act like it but you will need to learn different ways of dealing with it rather than what normal parents would do with a normal-functioning child.

My advice to you, coming from someone who's known 3 kids with Asperger's and autism and I'm also an educator, is to learn as much as possible. Research and ask questions to your providers any time you are having difficulty. Go to the library and get some books. There's a TON of support out there! The more you learn about it the more comfortable you and your H will be -- and that will help your H to become proactive rather than reacting and "grieving" (which is totally normal).

On that same token, try not to get overwhelmed. Focus on a few things that you can change in your household and try them out. One thing that has helped kids I've known are "visual schedules" or "visual rules". Print off pictures of the rules of your household and review them weekly, if discipline is a problem. And try very hard to keep a schedule or some consistency with him. He needs order more than anything now.

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Wed, 01/12/2011 - 11:51am

Thank You!

I bought two great books last night... one is quite a simple one and the other is by a Tony Atwood that has a lot of detail in it. I think I know my SS pretty well (who knows? Lol but I'm hoping some of the techniques I've looked at today will be helpful.. I guess we will see.. it will be a challenge, but in my opinion its now all about helping him to function in the world, and teaching him what the Neurologically typical people like myself think is normal... I don't plan on telling him he's not normal..his normal is very different than my normal.. but a facts based approach on why it's best sometimes to act like everyone elses normal might be helpful to him as he grows!

Thanks to everyone for responding!