Issues Between My Biological Son with Aspergers and My Partner
Hi - I'm new here and am looking for some support and feedback on my situation. I met my current partner/fiance in 2004 and we moved in together in 2005 when my two biological kids were 3 and 10 (both boys). My partner has two daughters but they didn't live with us full time. My younger son was then diagnosed with Aspergers in 2008 after struggling during his first years of school. From the beginning, my partner thought that my son didn't really have a disability, that he "would grow out of it." He feelings toward my kids ranged from tolerating them to being fairly harsh on them. He never hit them but would call them names when angry about something like saying they were lazy if they didn't help around the house.
Anyway, my older son is moved out now at age 23 and is independent. My younger son is in high school and has really struggled. His emotions are out of control and he suffers from depression, ocd, low self esteem, etc. His grades reflect that and he was failing all classes. My partner thinks it's all related to discipline...that my son just needs to buckle down and do the work and it's all his fault. I conceded that yes, part of it is discipline but that his emotional issues are getting in the way. fyi that my son sees a therapist and is on medication for depression and ocd.
Due to all of these issues, the school saw fit to move him to an alternative school for students on the autism spectrum and we agreed. He's at that school now. My son also confided in me that he's worried he's a "freak" and "retarded." He has really low self esteem. I told that to my partner to talk to him about it.
A few months ago my partner was angry with my son and what did he do but he yelled at him and called him a "freak" and a "retard." I was extremely upset that my partner would use my son's insecurities against him like that. I told my partner it's over between us. My partner then apologized and said he'd do better and it would never happen again so I gave him a chance. I didn't give him an ultimatum but told myself that if it happens again it would be over between us.
Last week it happened again but worse. My partner was extremely drunk, which he blames on work stress. While we were all preparing for dinner and milling about the kitchen, my partner must have accidently brushed up against my son. At the dinner table my son flatly stated to my partner..."you know, you brushed up against me and touched my privates." Now I agree that's a little strange to say...my son does act strangely at times but he wasn't accusing my partner of anything and there's no way my partner did that on purpose. Anyway, my partner got really angry and my son apologized and said he didn't mean anything about it. I thought that was the end of it but a little later after dinner my partner started banging on my son's bedroom door and telling him to get out of there and he was going to strangle him with his dick. He kept yelling over and over..."did they teach you that in the retard school?" With emphasis on "retard." Then he started punching the door with his fist until he literally broke holes in the door. My son and I were terrified. When he had the opportunity, my son ran out of his room, and out of the house. I ran after him and got him to get in my car. We went for a ride and then to a restaurant for awhile. We were both terrified to go back home. I told my partner that it's over for good and I started looking at the options for new living arrangements.
The next day my partner was crying and begging me to reconsider. He's a very proud man and this is unusual behavior from him to be sure. He said he'd quit drinking and would go to family counseling. That he'd try harder to understand my son, etc. It's been a few days since this has happened and again today he cried and said he doesn't want to break up, that he wants to try counseling, etc.
I feel like my first obligation is to my son and to give him an environment that's safe and happy. I also am tired of feeling like I'm a referee in the middle of them trying to keep the peace. So I'm 99% sure that we should end our relationship. However, we have a long history and have had many good times together and have built a life together. So 1% of me wonders if I should give him a chance to do what he says he wants to do??? I do think I love him but the situation has become unbearable. If I give him a chance, what does that say to my son??? My father thinks I should do a 90 day separation before breaking up. Any advice out there? Just so you know, there are no financial considerations. Each of us has a good job and can afford to be on our own.