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Disengage? ME? Really? No....I've been raising this boy. Not anymore.

Pecanflower's picture

The straw that broke the camel's back.

SS15 who will be 16 this coming week has the maturity of a 10 year old; the hormonal temperment of a teenager; and the difficulties that come with an Aspberger's Syndrome kiddo. He has spent this entire school year Fing around and is failing several subjects. I made it clear, that I am not paying for another year of private school (and the school he is going to is wonderful...he just doesn't give a flying flip and doesn't do a damn thing in class anymore) if this is his attitude.

His father, my DH, is furious with me. 

Bit of background if you haven't read my blogs before.

DH--disabled, stay at home dad. Also Aspberger's and MS. Writes books and creates board games. Does not make any money outside of his monthly disability check.

SS15 soon to be 16--Aspergers Syndrome. When he was younger had a psychotic break. His meds are now adjusted. Now much of his "acting out" is not Autism related but teenagers are asshats related. I can tell the difference. 

BM--waste of human DNA. Lives thousands of miles away. Goes in and out of homeless shelter situations or roommate situations. Is also on disability. Has never worked a day in her life. Is dating a man who is on the Sexual Offender registry. Only contact with her son is a phone call on high holidays and maybe a Christmas or Birthday present that has never arrived on time. (Average time of arrival is 2 months the 7 years I have been, SS15's step mom she has gotten 1 gift to him on time.  ONE)

Back to SS15 and DH. I have been hard on SS because I am trying to prepare him for life. DH told me I am ruining the boy's self esteem. He is out of school for the week. I told DH; that I wanted to teach him how to clean the entire house; top to bottom; in one day, like normal people do.  

DH told me. Normal people never do that. I've never heard of such a thing. (this is what it is like living with a disabled person who only has the energy to do one or two chores a day)

I may have been a little blunt when I said, "DH you are teaching SS15 to be a disabled adult...NOT a functional adult." 

He said, "I think I know how to raise my son."

You know what. You do. I've been doing all the discipling since we became a family. I've been paying for the private school. I've been worrying my ass off. But...I don't need the stress.

So I told him I am Disengaging. I'm out. Fine. Raise your own son.  And while you're at for his school yourself.  


And I am dug in.  I am going to be living in my office/craft room. 

I will be cordial and nice and polite to DH for SS15's sake.  I will still interact with and hang out with SS15; but as for discipline, school, molding him into an adult. NOT my circus anymore.



Eastfacingwindow's picture

sending you strength and positive vibes. It’s alright to stand your ground and choose you. Your sanity is important and you should not be sacrificed for this family. You can’t be a martyr. That would be a disservice and we would miss out on all that you have to offer the world. I decided to fully disengage too after being battered by my SD and her father. The world needs me for something else. At first I came in with a big heart and pioneer spirit that I would be a stepmom and basically have two more children under my care and heart but after months of being battered I give up.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey Pecan,

My beloved nephew, now 20 years old, suffers from Asperger’s, Tourette’s and OCD. Since he was a toddler, my sister got behind the lad, determined that he be the best that he could possibly be. He currently attends college in an elite course of computer programming and although he is only able to take a few programs a year, he is consistently at the top of his class.

It hasn’t been easy for my sister! Like most teenagers, my nephew was lazy and would spend his life gaming, were it allowed. Because my sister is strict and had high expectations, the computer games were only allowed after homework and chores were completed.

My nephew works part time, stacking shelves at a grocery store to pay for the computer games and other items that he enjoys. He was 16 when he started the job.

I can well understand, Pecan, how frustrated you must be feeling and why you are ready to wash your hands of the whole mess. However, I hate to think of how my nephew would have ended up if his mother had stopped advocating for him and pushing him to do his best. Please, Hon, don’t give up! Your SS has nobody in his corner except you.

Peanut575's picture

I’ll never understand these bio parents who give no authority to the SP yet expect them to foot the bill like this no big deal. A SF on here last week was saying the same thing about his DW. Zero authority yet he’s expected to pay her way and all the expenses & education for her children. It makes me boil on the inside. It is not your soul purpose in life to provide for his offspring. Yet that’s what is expected. Unreal!

I’m sorry you’re going through this & good for you for putting your foot down. And yes absolutely pull him from that school. If your DH isn’t willing to be a team with you, why should you be a team with him for the benefit of his son. 

Maybe disengaging will be the wake up your DH needs that his kid needs a boot up the @ss, and the only reason he’s living the life he is is because somebody (you) lead your life with the mentality that you need to work for what you have. MS, unless in final stages, is no excuse to do nothing (I know plenty of people with MS who still work & contribute to their life, albeit at an understandably slower pace), and his mentality that this is all his son can aim for is just sad. 

Sending lots of support your way!

Daisymazy2's picture

My 20 year old BS has aspergers.  He was held back 1 year in school (school's suggestion) and do to his birthday (starting late in school) he graduated high school this year.  He went to a private school for 8 through 12 grade.  

My BS's dad has MS and is "disabled" for about 15 years now.  He still can work and do some jobs but he always cried broke and disabled whenever the word child support was mentioned.

Back to my BS... I asked him one day what did he want to do after he graduated from high school.  He told me he wanted to be like  his dad.  He wanted to stay at home, sleep all day and play video games all night.  I told him NO, it isn't happening and that he is more than capable of working.  I have worried since I found out that he was an Aspie that he would never be able to live on his own once I am no longer around.  At that time, I decided that my biggest goal will be to make sure he can survive on his own.  I informed my son that we are on a 5 year plan.  At the end of 5 years, he will be living on his own and paying his own bills without getting disability checks.  I was going to work with him over the next 5 years to accomplish this goal.

My son has completed a life skills class away from home. He is now working on training to find a job.  The Workforce and Rehabiliation Center has helped him a lot.  He is about an hour and half away from home.  He stays there while he is doing his training.  

Today, I visited him.  He was doing his own laundry.  He had already washed and dried the laundry.  He was folding it when I got there.  I started helping him.  He looked at me and said, "Mom, I got this."  I was SO proud of him.  He has to keep his room clean for room inspections.  He already knew how to do laundry and was expected to keep his room clean while he was with me.  He can go to the store and buy his own supplies by himself.  He is learning how to take the city bus.  He doesn't have a drivers license yet.  His anxiety is horrible.  This program is helping him over come his anxiety without meds.  

I am no longer worried that he will not be able to survive without me.  He is thriving and it is so exciting to watch.  He will never be a dr or lawyer but he WILL be able to find a nice paying job and survive on his own.  

When I was 4 years old,my dad died in a freak work accident.  When I was 24 years old, my mom died of cancer.  I was married with a child at that time.  At 34 years old, I was going through divorce.  I was a stay at home mom who only worked from time to time when we needed extra money. I lived over 800 miles away from any family.   It was hard for me to get back on my feet with 3 kids to support.  The first 2 years, my X paid child support after that he was "disabled".  I do not want my child to struggle like that.  I want him to be able to support himself now.  I can't understand parents who do not wish for their kids to strive and make it on their own.  I know that not all kids with Aspergers can but a lot of these kids can.


Harry's picture

Kids with Aspbergera can excell, with proper guidance and help from parents  

this is not the case with your SS, and DH does not see it,  He will never see it, This kid is going to be a lost 

stop paying for private school, send him tp public school and let SO deal with his own Kid.

MORE  you. must have an plan in place on what’s going to happen to this kid after school,  he not going to be able to live on his own,  Do you want this kid in your home for the rest of your life ?